My arms are shrinking!!

Ahhh! Lack of sleep, it's the worst!!!!! But it's helping me out that I am in the process of writing a song about it. Unfortunately that stopped as I have now hit a terrible wall of writer's block. Nothing is flowing properly. I think I'm just going to write some absolute genius lines that are good on their own and tie them together for a non-sensical narrative.

Went to a friend's place today. It was good fun, played some Need For Speed Underground 2 and some Half-Life 2. You don't know how therapeutic shooting life-like characters can be!

I'll keep this short as I am going to put up a short story I wrote in 2002 about my ex who I had just broken up. Hope you enjoy folks. Don't worry, intellectual stuff coming REALLY soon.


"The Last Goodbye" (Or Happiness..?).

The tears you cause me stream down my cheeks. Your new lies won't work, I'm immune to the disease known as you. I say "I loved you" and you reply the exact same way. The rage...can't fight it anymore. You'll pay for what you did. I put my hands around your neck, and look in your eyes. Blue, the prettiest blue I had ever seen in my life. Blue wasn't a favourite of mine, that is, until I saw it in you. Your eyes are wide open now, you're trying to say something but the words aren't coming out. Maybe they are, I don't really care what you say anymore. Your feet, they're leaving the ground, I didn't know I was this strong. Or maybe it's because you're so small. Back in the happier times, times so long ago, you and I would just stand there holding each other. Your small body was a perfect fit in my arms. I used to say your beauty was so radiant that it would outshine us all, but now it all seems trapped in those eyes of yours. Your body, it's struggling now. You're getting higher and higher. Is it the lack of oxygen to your brain? You want me to let go? The same way you let me go? No, this is much easier, this is the preferred way I would have rather had you go about things. You never listened, even when I tried to help you, you never listened. Even now as you struggle, you are not listening. Your feet, they're dangling over the edge now.

Look down, there are cars and concrete and tarmac at the bottom. Do you remember when we used to say that together we could do anything? Together we could fly, soar above it all and grow to become bigger then what life had us down for, do you remember that? No, I'm sure you don't. You chucked it away, like a piece of rubbish, like it was worth nothing. Your nails, digging into my left arm, what the hell are you doing? Pain? You try to stop me physically with pain? Let me tell you something, pain is nothing, thanks to you, pain is no longer something I fear. It is now something I crave like a drug. My blood, on your fingers. Do you remember those tough times we both went through? When we thought we couldn't take it anymore and we agreed to spill each others blood and just leave it all behind? Bounded by something that goes beyond this life? Beyond our bodies? It was a lie wasn't it? Fine, I'll just use my right hand. My eyes, still gazing into yours. Your eyes, they're as beautiful as ever. It seems like they are shining, or is that just the reflection of light in the tears you cry? Guilt??! HA! I know Guilt, we're good bedfellows Guilt and I.

You accused me so many times of not caring for you. I showed you but still no matter how hard I tried you always made me pay. The guilt you made me feel was like dying a thousand deaths and having Hell creep up into my bedroom as I lay awake all night being tormented by the demons you gave birth to in my head. Your mouth, it's moving. If I were still human, if I were still sane, this could have been the point where I stopped and changed things around. But you, YOU did this to me. You made me what I am today and I would just like to say thank you. I pull my pinkie finger back, your eyes grow wider. My ring finger is now letting go, you brought this on yourself. My middle finger now. You and your fucking lies, wrapped up in the beautiful package of your body, your mind, your soul. There were times I thought we shared the same soul but how wrong, how wrong I was. Only my thumb and index finger hold you now. A lot more secure then the puppet strings you manipulated me with for 2 years. But now, finally, the 2 years that I lost to you, the feelings inside that I had for you, they're all gone, gone. Wow, I must be pretty strong if I can hold you with two fingers. Yeah, I guess I would have to be strong to do what I'm doing. I separate my fingers, slowly. You hold on to me but you are weak. It has been such an ordeal. I feel your soft skin against mine and for a moment I've lost myself to you again. But no, my spirit, my strength, my soul, every goddamn fibre of my being wants this.

My hands are open now. Your body, falling through the sky. Wait, for a second it looks as if you're flying. Flying just like you always said we would some day. Your scream fills my ears. To me it sounds like a wonderful orchestra. To me it seems like you're falling for an eternity but I bet for you it would have passed in an instant. Your eyes never leave mine the whole way down. They seem to ask "why?", you know damn well why. You had your chance and you didn't take it and now you'll regret it for...not very long. Your bones, they break and shatter. Crack, rip and pop. You've landed. The crystal clear tears you cried are now mixed with a lovely crimson tide that has washed over most of your good looks. Your wonderful straight, long brown hair is now matted and twisted. Your eyes, they still move. You're still breathing. You always were a strong girl, you were much stronger then I was. You taught me things about myself that I could never learn from anywhere or from anyone else. I come closer. You're looking at me...no you're looking past me. You never cease to amaze me. You're a miracle. We shared the same birth but we shall not share the same death. Your lips, against mine. For the last time I taste you but yet this time it's different. Your blood is all I can taste. You don't have to worry though, I enjoy the taste. Your breaths are now few and far between. I brush aside a strand of your hair from your eyes. I want to see your face and take a mental image for later. What you once were and what you've now become (or even what you've ceased to be). My fingers, on your eyelids. I shut them gently, you were a sweet girl, you were precious I always handled you with a gentle touch. Your face, it's all twisted and mangled now. It doesn't matter to me though. You'd always be beautiful to me, no matter what. Your eyes, they aren't open. Your body, it's not moving. YOU, have died for what YOU have done.

The dark red that forms an ocean underneath you, it reminds me of your blue eyes and how I just wished I could drown in them. The red also reminds me of that brutal stop sign near your house that I never followed and you said would wind up one day getting me killed. Maybe it shall happen some day, but if so, then so be it. It was probably a sin for us to be together, to enjoy the emotions that we had, to make ourselves better then just being you and I. Or perhaps that is what made it so wonderful, you and I. Those people that turned you against me, don't worry, I'll make them pay. I'll make them all pay, even if they had nothing to with us. They'll feel my rage. The rage...you...and...I...created. Maybe we were both too young, too immature, too foolish to realise that life would crush us as if we were nothing. As if we were never here. That's why we have to make our mark on people, and make it so strong that they'll never forget who we are....