You Again?!

It's frustrating trying to sleep and feel refreshed for the next day if all I can dream of is you.

I'd love to be able to move at the speed of light. I want to look into the future, I want to bend reality and shift my perceptions.

Daylight is truly frightening. You need to stop learning everything from the tv and movies. But then again, what if they're spot on? Oh the countless things we can gain.

Remembering the old times, before things became a muddled mess. Redress and regroup.

I should play more chess titans! I don't know why I don't, considering I now have a computer with Aero on it, so I can play it. I missed it quite a bit on my old computer, when I couldn't run Aero on XP.

I've been reading up on Windows 8, because I will most likely get it when it's about to be replaced (haha!), and I was shocked to discover that they are removing DVD playback functionality from windows media player, due to the cost of licensing the appropriate codecs. Well stuff you, Microsoft! This is why I use VLC Media Player. Plays MORE stuff too! Oh shit!! Just read that they removed chess titans from windows 8! Fuck youuuu Microsoft! It was your best on-board game!

That's enough bitching for one day.

Joaquin out.

My Word Salad Is Quite Fruity

What a stupid mistake to make. I just wasn't thinking. Too focused on being an idiot and this is the result. You reap what you sow, I guess. But the question is, do I rely on the stupidity of others?

What sort of mindset is this? I don't even know how to define it.

Well I woke up this morning, which was a shame. Feeling all unhealthy and unhappy.

Only 11:15am? Goddamn.

My brain is fried, I cannot take this shit any more. How many things can you flag?

None of this stuff makes any sense. Maybe I'm overthinking things. I'm enjoying The Smiths quite thoroughly at the moment.

If I could, I'd like to cry myself to sleep.

What is it that makes men addicted to power? What is it about power that corrupts all?

It's all just too utterly frustrating. A moment's peace please. Just to myself.

Ah problems. Problems and solutions.

"Life is very long when you're lonely."

Where's your head at? Cause I sure as fuck don't know where mine is at.

Joaquin out.

It Shouldn't Hurt This Much

No, it really shouldn't.  Woke up this morning with the taste of blood in my mouth from grinding my teeth all night while I slept.  I don't want to wake up like that, with my throat all sore from swallowing in so much of it.  I'm stressing too much for no goddamn good reason.  My back is hurting like it's never hurt before.  I'm getting older.  It's not cool, this shouldn't be happening.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Returned to work today to find that everything is busy as hell.  Seems like hardly anything happens if I'm not here to see it through.

My nails are starting to get long again, so I'm overdue for a trim, so I can start playing fantastically again.

I shouldn't dream.  Neither should you.  Because I can make you.  You were there.  I was happy.  You were still angry, but I was ok with that.  For some reason, there was a really fantastic bar in my dream, and even though I don't drink, I still sat down and had a good time.

Finally managed to catch up on the blog intro/retrospective, so I'm up to 2005 at the moment.  Great, only 7 more years to go, haha!  Wow, at 8 years, this blog has been one of the few constants in my life.  How sad.

What's up with all these cats?  Crazy cat ladies, something strange is going on in this city.

Joaquin out.

I Would Like To Stop Time

Because I'm edging ever closer to 30.  It's my birthday on Friday, and once again I'm reminded of my own mortality.

I enjoy learning new skills.  Not just learning how to play guitar and ride a motorbike, but just whatever else I can do, which I could not do before.  I guess I'm a quick learner.

It may be a cliche, but it's true, as you get older, your body changes.  My metabolism has definitely changed, and it doesn't take a lot for me to put on weight anymore.  That's despite the fact I'm now lighter than I can ever remember being, but that's just because I've lost my appetite in general.

These attention whores, sheesh.

I guess today would make sense if I could actually get things done.  But I should always keep my eye open.

Anyway, I'll keep it here for now.  Should be able to blog in detail tomorrow when I'm back at work.

Guess I'm just on the lookout for news these days.

Anyhow, that's it for now folks.

Take care of yourselves.

Joaquin out.

Bitter Resentment

Bitter, bitter resentment.  Tastes like ice cream.

I've lost track of my teeth. 

I'm just so despondent.  I need to get out of here.

I need out.  I want out.

Joaquin out.

You Should Hit Reload

Why do I even bother??

Looking at horrendous selfies. What is the outcome? What are you hoping to achieve?

This is the sort of crap you crave.

I'm glad I'm not that sort of person.

These problems have to be dealt with. Tomorrow will be too late and I will be too far away goddamn it.

What's the difference? 40 minutes or 3 hours. Motherfuck. Complete bullshit.

I'm having my time wasted into my own death and boredom here.

Ring the bells. The queen is dead.

Has the world changed or have I changed?

Joaquin out.

Trapped

Losing and lost.

Stuck somewhere I don't want to be, when I could be doing other things that would make me happy.

It's dusty and cold and I am sick.

Running marathons to get what I want.

Who would have thought it would be so close?  Not me, for certain.

How can I be in a situation where I can only be proven right at a particular time of the day? Shouldn't I have the goddamn benefit of having the facts right at any given time? Ah I guess there is one way to find out, and It ain't pretty! Hahaha.

Ok that's it for now.

Joaquin out.

My White Whale

Call me Ahab.

People with blogs shouldn't have long, complicated URLs.

Hmmmmm. I don't know what I need to know.

Joaquin out.

Yargh!

Well shit. I suppose I can just be pissed off and feel ineffectual for the rest of this weekend.

I knew there was more!! Why didn't I comprehend it last time??! Now it throws everything into doubt. I'm still living on law of averages and probability.

Somewhere I can hear Darth Mauls less than rousing speech.

Absolute travesty I am. Piss poor.

Fuck.

Joaquin out.

How Could I Be So Fucking Stupid?

Oh that's right, I'm me.

Shit! How could I be so forgetful??

Ahh wrong place!! Goddamn it!!! Fuck. Arghhhhh.

Can't do this.

Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before

But odds are that you have not.  Heading off again, so doubtful if I can blog in detail over the weekend, but I'll try to hit up blogger+ on my phone, but again they might just be random spatterings of nothing in particular.

I've got no idea what's going on anymore.  Had some shocking news the other day and I'm utterly reeling from it.  I guess life is just utterly unpredictable.

One Days Grace, let's see what happens.  Making myself look bad so that others may look good.

Deadly chameleon, changing colours to suit the audience.

Multitasking at work is always a bit of fun.  Are there brighter sides to life?

Perhaps I should compose the next blog post in just rhyming couplets. Hahaha surely there's a song in there!

Hmmm I just want to get home and play guitar.  What does today bring, I am clueless.  Utterly clueless.

Oh lordy, who am I talking to?

Who knows.

Joaquin out.

You Should Know Of What You Speak

There's always something for everyone when the sample group is large enough.

Struggling to get through this week, I don't know what it is. Yesterday I had the epiphany (while I was in the toilet, no less) that as I get older, I will have less time for anything outside of work. It just seems like a fact of life, and that's not good.

This is killing me. I'm wasting my time, my potential, my talent, my effort. It's taking away part of my soul. I think I'm losing my sharpness, or my edge. I'm really concerned that I've lost my ability to focus and/or concentrate for decent periods of time. Do I have adult onset ADHD? That's a scary thought, though I could definitely do with some ritalin.

"I've seen sunny times that I thought would never end...but I always thought I'd see you again" - sums it up perfectly.

I cannot be beautiful. Do I need to take a second look at my dreams? Does everybody?

The girl next door blows her nose so loudly, it's like a cross between a trumpet and a harmonica.

Does anybody get what they expected out of this life? Children shouldn't learn these lessons at a young age. I think expectations on kids these days is exhorbitant, how can they function in the world if they are driven to be things that they don't care to be?

I still haven't caught up on my blog intro/retrospective, which sucks but this directly relates to my second major point above.

Dewey has a poor grip on reality?! Haha, I thought he just had an active imagination.

My knees are well and truly butchered, I wonder what's going on with them. Hope it's not an early sign of osteoporosis or some form of crippling arthritis.

What's a life of meaning supposed to consist of? Perhaps I dodged a bullet but I do not know, as the gun has not been fired.

What more can I say? Do I expect too much?

For the love of god, it's only 11:30! I have nothing to do! At least it's now 1pm! Haha you can see how long it takes me to compose stuff on here. At least I had some work to do in the interim.

When I move, I stand still and the world moves for me. Oh lordy, the mistakes from when I was happy? Perhaps I was unfocused.

You know what I think the problem is with the decline in popularity and quality of the simpsons? It's the writers. The best writers from their golden era (the 90s) have all left. Not just that, they're all quite old now, most of them in their 50s. They've lost sense of counter culture and have moved away from who they used to be. I guess they grew up. Happened with Oasis and Suede. They lost their fire. They mellowed out. Things changed, and it wasn't as good as it used to be.

England is a weird place. There's the still outdated references to class everywhere you go. I don't see how you can profess to be a democratic society, when the House of Lords still exists and titles can pass through generations. It just boggles the mind.

Fuck it. You know. Just fuck it. I've had enough for today.

Joaquin out.

Making The Motorcycle Mistake

The foundations are crumbling. Another night of no sleep. It's just too damn difficult. I need to go through a whole exercise of relaxation to even get to the first stage of clearing my head before I can think about sleeping. This is killing me. I need to get back on valium. Yet I am forever exhausted, and I am struggling to stay awake at my desk.

Gah, I wish I had something to say! Or that I could do something productive in my down time, but there's nothing. I want to read my blog, but I probably shouldn't access that from my work computer. If only I could remote into my home computer. What I did discover yesterday was that a girl I knew when I was younger has her own blog. She's followed an interesting path, to say the least. The blog post on threesomes was quite disconcerting, but have a read and make up your own mind. exploringtheworldinheels.blogspot.com - I just have to keep in mind that people grow up, and they become adults and get into adult things. I mean I'm almost 30, the world moves on, with or without me.

I need to get my ass moving on other things. Things are compounded by having to be at work. God, just grant me time. I think I'm just lacking discipline, which is sorely needed.

I hope I'm not stumbling ass over backwards into atheism, because that would not be a good outcome. But maybe I'm just trying to discount my own existence from the universal framework.

What do you decree for today? Let me redress things. Things are not fair.

You know, when they first developed the mouse and keyboard combination for first person shooters, I was violently against it, because I lacked the coordination to aim properly and also move. Keep in mind that I had been a long time adherent to the standard keyboard setup used in games like Wolfenstein and Doom, where you're not aiming in 3 dimensions. But I got used to it, and I definitely favour it over the old school aiming method, haha but then again, comparing something like Modern Warfare 3 to Wolfenstein is a bit of a laugh.

What am I looking for? Complex melodies. That's what I'd like to be able to write. Counterpoint and gorgeous harmonisation.

I enjoy Matchbox 20 because they were a soundtrack for my overseas trip in 1999.

My legs are dying from all this return to gyming. I don't know what's going on, maybe I've lost too much muscle mass from not eating. I don't feel like eating, in fact I rarely ever feel hungry anymore. I don't know what's up with that.

This isn't tv, this isn't the movies. This is real life!

What is this life? Youth is lost, and we are forever marching forward unto death and the great unknown. There are too many lines to cross. All I want is forgiveness. To move on and to be friends. Why is it so much hard work to accomplish? Don't say those words, because they're lies. It was not the best of both worlds. What does it take to forgive?

Lines that shouldn't be crossed, but until it is attained, how can I possibly sleep? How can I possibly function? I want answers.

Life, why is it turning into a mundane exercise of routine and boredom? This is not how things should be.

What are the chances of that?  Let's find out.

Joaquin out.

I'm Not Looking, But I Can Still See Who You Are

All wrapped up in lies.

This is going to sound awful and incredibly first world problemy (white whine I can hear you back in the background), but I think all this doing nothing and being bored at work is starting to burn me out. I need a vacation. Just weeks and weeks of sitting at home and doing nothing. That's what I could do with.

Is all information relevant? Well I guess, but it's dependent on what you do with it. I think I've had this discussion just before, so I won't dwell on it too much.

Had a hell of a time trying to get to sleep last night. Probably too much caffeine in my system, but I've worked that out by going to the gym this morning. Of course, I am now half asleep at my desk. It's
just thinking too much and the anxiety which is keeping me up.

Love it when things go right. It makes me feel good. Hmmm, I do wonder though. With the good comes the bad. And I tend to get battered by the bad more so than I used to.

Well now I'm just fucking perplexed by what's occurring. Why would the actions turn out this way, yet there is still no action? It's Monday, I want answers. But I guess the ball is in my court now. What really pisses me off is that I have to keep going back to the place where I don't want to go. When I would visit with Rossco when I was younger, I knew it was bad news, but yet I'm always forced to go back, against my will. Like I'm running on fucking auto-pilot or something.

Oh god, Friday week I will be getting older and older. Just heading face first into a life that is increasingly lacking in pleasure and devoid of any meaning. Can I really eke this out?? Ahh, I hope I'm not still considered young, because this is just horrendous. Existence is torture!! Could any of this really be allayed? What do the coming weeks bring?? Intrigue, no doubt.

I wanted to talk about the past today, and I had a good point to make, but I cannot recall what the hell I wanted to raise, so let's consider it a wasted point - and you can consider this sentence a waste of a few seconds of your life, haha! That's right, they belong to me!

I've fallen by the wayside in terms of catching up on the blog intro/retrospective. I'm still trapped in December 2004. I'll get a move on that soon though.

It's also a great thing when you become aware of something well before the time comes so that you aren't caught off-guard. But everything has its own complications.

I'm just sitting here and waiting for the clock to wind down so I can go the hell home.

Social media is just bullshit. Nobody I know uses it anymore. Facebook is crap. Twitter is getting boring, and Tumblr is unoriginal. As I've stated many a time, the blog is really the only thing that gives me enjoyment. It doesn't even really feel like a chore, I just wish I had more stuff to write about, because other times I'm juts bursting at the seams, but when I'm actually writing, my sadness starts to cripple me and nothing really makes sense.

Hmm, that's a bit extreme, isn't it?

Who knows.

Surely it's too much of a coincidence to merely write it off? The facts seem to fit. I guess this is how assumptions can become truth.

Yes I'm angry, yes I'm upset.

Joaquin out.

How Dare You?

To lie like that.

The simple nerve of it all.  I don't understand it.

I'll forever be chasing the truth.

I'm just so angry and upset.

Pointless, fruitless days.

One more day, it all could have been so right.

Right and wrong, I need time.

I want to be alone.

I'll be 28 soon.

My life has turned to shit.

I'm unhappy, yes.

Joaquin out.

The truth will be mine.

Or maybe I should come to terms with the possibility that it may never be mine.  But I doubt that will ever happen.

What Is The Value Of Dreams?

Priceless. Though, I am starting to think that they are irrelevant, in that they have no meaning. It is just the brain unwinding and acting illogically while it's only running essential processes to keep you alive. But one thing I do find interesting is that the people you see in your dreams, whether you realise it or not, are all people you have actually seen in real life.
Your subconscious recreates them for you while you sleep. Isn't that so cool? I would love to know where all the people in my dreams are from. But I guess that is something I will never know.

Why does respite only come when I am not thinking of respite? That's no respite at all.

Strength of faith and mind to get through this.

What's the value of information? Like its one thing to know something, but what is its relative value? You would think that knowing who won the 1994 football world cup would be pointless, but what would you do on the off chance some drunken idiot holds you at gunpoint demanding to know the answer?

Knowing things is good. Especially that which you did not know before. But again, without relevance or the ability to act, you really are back to square one, and I ask, what's the point in that?

I'll let you in on a secret, I find the little tapping noises on my keypad for the phone very soothing. I really dislike typing on my phone on silent profile as a result. I'm sure I'm the only person in the world who likes that noise.

Perhaps I know more than I should, about everything. How did things pan out like this?

I'll let you in on another secret. I'm sick of this life. I can't live like this anymore. I really don't want to wake up tomorrow. I've lost all motivation to accomplish or achieve anything.

This is siege mentality. Trying to smash the fortress. The fortress of which comprises not just the physical but the metaphysical and the spiritual. Is it even possible? I guess time and isolation would get me what I want. Like some ersatz Morrissey. Please. I want this. I need this. It's all I have.

Don't fall in love. Just don't do it. You can pretend to, you can say the words. But hold back. Never let it take you over. Don't let it consume you. Never give it your all. Its not worth it. It's not worth your life. It's not worth what it can cost you. Cause it's everything. Live superficially. You stand to lose less.

The thought struck me earlier today that I have no real friends. Nobody I could really confide in and trust. I have people I can talk to about superficial stuff, but not real things that true friendships are meant for. And once again, I have got to rely on myself. And yet, I don't even have the hate to get me through. To see me through to the success of another day. To keep me grounded and driven.

This time. Next time.

Clued up messes of facts. I need a shower. All this pointlessness is making me feel dirty.

There is a light that has gone out. It's where my soul used to be. I don't need or want for anything anymore. It's all just negative space.

That's it for now.

Joaquin out.

Who Do You Need To Know?

To get things done? I don't want what I don't need.

This should be an interesting weekend to say the least. Foregoing that which I want to do, to do that which must be done.

What's obligation? Is it worth the paper it's written on when you have nothing to show for it?

Things are just...strange. I don't want to be here. There are other places I have to be. Other things I should be doing.

Am I denying my own existence through my subconscious self?

How many times can I fucking repeat myself here? In my own mind? Questions with no goddamn answers.

I'm just going to read up on hedge funds and music theory for the rest of the afternoon if you don't mind!

This all feels surreal. What objectives need to be accomplished? How can I, when I'm so unfocused?

Or maybe I'm withdrawn and I'm not actively engaging with the world anymore. Things happen, and I'm just an unobservant witness to it all.

Dealing with the loss of who I am.

None of these sentences make sense in isolation. I mean I'm just going back over them right now, and they are totally all over the place.

What are you guys witnessing? What are the readers of this blog witnessing?

My descent into madness? Or just musings of a bored idiot?

Uhhh, what the hell was I thinking? It's all just a big mistake, I shouldn't even be here.

Whatever.

Joaquin out.

Impossible Failings

This life is a mystery to me. Is this what occurs when people start losing faith? Maybe it's just a crisis of faith that will be temporary, I hope so at least. What's up with all these questions? I need more details, I need more information. There's just too much in the world that I don't know. It's not being helped by being bored and unsatisfied with work. I mean is this it? 40 or so more years of this?? That's a recipe for brain rot and soul scouring right there. There are just a million other things that I could be doing right now. But would those things satisfy me? Is that all there is? What else is there?

What if there is no God? All concepts of the divine and what not are just products of the collective human mind. That's just incredibly disturbing. How could we all be so wrong? I really really hope we aren't wrong.

The guitaring is coming along very nicely. I've almost learned the entire back catalogue of tracks that the other and I have come up with, which I think is quite impressive, considering that it's almost 50+ songs and ideas. Just need to put some finishing touches on stuff and I should have some complete songs. I've even branched out and learned the other's songs, which are absolutely great!

What a weird day that day was. Somewhere I didn't want to be, no doubt. I hope I didn't do any damage to my system.

That's all there is.

Joaquin out.

Recovering Painful Memories

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. That was an interesting film, though, ironically I can't really recall most of the story.

Having looked at my blognotes from yesterday which were still on my logged in computer, I realised it was mostly about skivving, which I've already blogged about, haha!

I have a confession to make: I haven't seen The Dark Knight Rises! I know, it's embarrassing, but I will get around to it at some point.

Spent most of my day cleaning my desk. They are paying me too much for what I do. Being bored at work is not fun. Well it could be better if I could find other things to keep me occupied. Maybe music theory, but I need an instrument with me in order to learn that stuff properly.

Inception deception, what is the meaning of this fairy tale? Enduring legacies brought on from the past, why can't we look to the future?

Do you know who you are? This is not a zero sum game. It's all about what you can see. It's about results. And I have nothing to show for it.

But that's it for now.

Joaquin out.

Being A Skive

Haha, I would have stuff to post today, but I skivved off work early to come home and be slack.  Feels good!     Never done it before.  My blog notes are semi typed up back at work, so not a lot to say, I'm afraid!

More vague statements?  Fun was had!

Anyway, more guitaring to do.  I've found my capo so I'm happy!  More bloggings to come tomorrow.

Joaquin out.

Slim pickings today!

Hi Joe!

Well I don't know any Joe's so this is just a random title, as per usual.

In case I didn't get the message across before, I was out of town this weekend, so had nothing to blog about, not that I usually do anyway!

Just having the worst luck trying to sleep properly. It's all broken and anxious, I cannot sleep. I CAN'T GET NO SLEEP. Not quite insomnia because I can sleep a little, just the quality is horrible, and I feel much worse in the mornings than I did before sleep.

I don't understand people who vote or lean to the conservative side of things. I've commented on this before, it makes no sense. Conservative values holds back society. The best features of humanity are apparent when we progress, when we experiment. Conservative politics is an arena for the paranoid, hate filled and downright stains on the community. Which makes me surprised when I read about educated people who have had a life long interest in conservatism. Whenever conservative governments get into power, I always think to myself "Oh looks like society is too scared to move forward for now".

It really makes me uncomfortable when people talk to me and start touching their face. I always wonder whether they are trying to point out whether I have something on my face, are they doing it on a subconscious level, or are they just itchy? If there's something on my face, let me know! Just tell me! Or if you have something on your face, take care of it before you talk to me!

Anyway, that's it for now.

Joaquin out.

Skeptical At The Best Of Times

True believer at the worst of times.

What is going on? There are far too many questions for this sort of day.

I have to admit, I'm finding this all very intriguing.

But time is not on my side. Most things aren't on my side. Hell, I'm not even on my own side. What the hell can you do in those situations?

I need some good sleep. I don't want to go back to work next week.

Sleep the time away.

Had a scarily productive day at home, I think I could function as a househusband.

So what is the best remedy for all this mess? I suppose I should stop asking so many questions in the first place.

Oh my god, it is fucking freezing. For those of you who don't believe in global warming, come to our state, cause its almost November, it's meant to be warm, and yet today it snowed. That's right, it fucking snowed. Don't tell me that shit is normal.

The most annoying clock ever in this room. It moves so loudly. Always a stark reminder of time passing me by.

Not just that, it's passing you by, too. All of us.

This life has turned out nothing like I'd planned. In fact, I haven't planned anything about my life at all. I guess I reap those rewards now. Time to get a grip.

This reality is waning. Let's find another one.

Some other plane of existence that is streets ahead of this one.

I'll call this one a day.

Joaquin out.

Sleepless in Sierra Nevada

And it's awfully desolate out here.

At least it's my last day of the working week, despite it being only Wednesday. Looking forward to slacking in general. Daylight savings has hit me hard, and I can't wake up in the morning anymore.

My fingers are all scratched and messed up.

So close, but as always, still yet so far. How very annoying.

Going back to a point I raised yesterday, the internet and the lack of it doesn't really create too much of a problem for me. The only real loss is the lack of being able to post on this blog, but outside that, everything else is meaningless. I just think about my time prior to the internet and that I still managed to function without it. Don't need to e-mail. Don't need to youtube. I can just play guitar or watch tv. It's only slightly healthier, as I can at least be creative.

What is the best anyone can do?

Life just seems disappointing, doesn't it? What is it anyway? My Biology teacher used to say that life is just a way of keeping meat warm. How morbid. But I guess he's right, especially as I dip ever further into relative determinism.

Shit! I have not been reading the old posts for a while, I need to really catch up. I don't even remember where I left off. Might have to read back last month's just to be sure of where I'm up to.

Can adults overcome cynicism? I guess they need to overcome other things on the path to getting there. But therein lies the rub, right?

Well here goes.

Joaquin out.

Things Left Unsaid

Are a waste of time. Been getting into survival mode of Modern Warfare 3. It's so good. I like the overall panic feel of it all, especially when you're surrounded and you need to buy ammo or support. Have also been getting back into guitar with my own Johnny Marr-esque riff.

Good to have the net back, but I have to tell you, this time without the net for the past 2 weeks has been good. I don't miss anything. Just feel like crying, and I don't even know why.

They must be said. I have to speak.

Very short week for me this week. Monday was off for a public holiday, and I have Thurs and Fri off because I'm awesome. I'm just going to veg out damn it. I'm sick of work. I'm sick of the monotony of it all.

I could do with adventure.

I could do with a lot of things.

Sigh, oh well. At least it's one more day of work after this.

Looking forward to guitar tonight! And some tv, and just generally being slack.

That's it for now.  Joaquin out.

Yes I'm Still Here

Yes I still exist.

Just surviving without the internet without the past 2 weeks.

It was quite enlightening and joyful.

I can live without this technology.  So can you.

It's all meaningless.

So more to come, now that I'm back in the swing of things.

Joaquin out.