Evaporating In The Struggle

Looking back on these past few posts and realising that I have failed miserably to be free of you. Maybe I just love you too goddamned much. Not like you will ever know anyway. You're starting your new life, which should make it easier to forget me. Then in time, maybe I can forget you too. We shall see what happens. I write about you almost everyday. I was glad you couldn't see me yesterday, because I would not know what to say. Perhaps I only love you because I hate myself. Maybe I deserve better? Maybe you're the best? God I miss you so much. Sensual love, we are so intense. Like a fuse that's already been lit.


I went three days without playing guitar across the weekend and resumed yesterday, and I was absolutely awful. Somethings things are a bit odd with instruments like that. I've had days where I've played poorly, and then not played the next day, and then come back and played flawlessly. I wonder why that's the case? It's not really
explained by anything (at least that I can come up with).

Certain songs remind me of certain places. Hanson - Mmmbop reminds me of the southside of town. Why? Because I remember in the mid 90's, Songland Records would have constant ads on repeat about how they had the Hanson CD, which had apparently sold out everywhere else. Hole - Celebrity Skin reminds me of the middle of town, next to the dam, because I remember going there in a heavy storm once to see them open the dam gates. It was wonderful. All Saints - Pure Shores reminds me of the beaches in Langkawi, the private ones where hardly anyone was and we were free to enjoy the water for as long as we liked.

Really must get back into the jamming goodness with the other! It has been far too long since some riotous melodies have penetrated our souls. It's simply amazing that we can just play and fantastic stuff just comes out, from nowhere.

But what I aim for these days are lyrics, and they are hard to come by.

Stuck in day dreams, I just want to be home on the couch watching movies.

The thing about the extreme Northside of town is that it is far away from the city and there is no infrastructure to support mass transit of people from the northside, which is growing at ridiculous proportions, as well as infrastructure to support the suburbs as a district unto themselves (i.e. like a Belconnen or a Woden or Tuggeranong). I believe that in the future this will lead to an increase in crime on the northside and potentially in the city, as the isolation felt by the youth will become apparent. Not such a great thing that I will probably be moving that side in the near future, but hey, I can always just buy a shotgun and a sniper rifle - good for CQB and the long range good times!

Dreary rain at the moment. I used to enjoy it when I was in Sydney, but not so much here. Am I missing Sydney? Well all the good people left work, so I'm sure I wouldn't like it anymore. I haven't read my posts from that period in a long time, but I do remember that they were quite depressing. But surely it can't be as bad as things are now?

Destination Unknown by Alex Gaudino is a brilliant song. It explains my state of mind at the moment. I think I remember being at the other's place and just listening to the song and loving it.

I need something more. I want something else - to get me through this.

Joaquin out.

Hoping The Phone Doesn't Ring

In a way, some part of me hopes that I don't see you again. That we can always remain cordial acquaintances, because I'm not sure if I can be your friend. The thought of you with someone else is enough to stop my heart beating in its tracks. It also bothers me that you work 4 days a week. Are you back here on the weekends? The thought of you being in the same city as me, even unknowingly, and without contact makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I mean, what do you do? Do you think of me like you used to? Or has the tyranny of distance tempered your feelings for me? There's a lot more meditation to be done on this. I'm going crazy. It's just this growing sense of injustice and pure bitter outrage about how things have ended up. It simply should not have been this way. Story of my fucking life. Oh I'll get to the bottom of this, you better fucking believe it. Just sick to the pit of my stomach. I can't do this, I don't want to go on like this.


My teeth hurt from all the grinding from the stress. But I'm just looking forward to writing and continuing on. I'd really like a new computer! That way I can play some good Shogun 2 Total War, and hopefully enjoy the full benefits of ADSL2+ when or if I buy a house. Because I live in the city, somehow my exchange is marked regional, as
opposed to metropolitan, and as a result, only expensive, second rate ISPs (i.e. Telstra, haha) operate ADSL2+ from there. I'm with Internode, who provide an excellent service, but I am paying a substantial amount for a line speed that is somewhere between Cable and ADSL2+.

Joyce Or Beckett?

Very existentialist sort of mood this morning. Questioning my own purpose here.

I do consider myself a moral absolutist. I tend to have strong opinions about things, and it is rare that I would change my mind on anything - even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But that's not to say that I can't have my mind changed. It has happened on more than one occasion!

So I've been thinking, does anarchy only exist in ordered/structured societies? So let's think about it, if everyone was an anarchist, wouldn't that become the dominant paradigm, and therefore, democracy or communism or any other ordered system would technically become the new anarchy? How very post-modern! In a natural world, anarchy may reign supreme, but it could never be identified as such without an ordered system. Without a point of reference, it is nothing really.

I think one thing I really need to learn how to do is look forward to the bigger picture. Think long-term strategy and what not.

Do I have anything to say? Not really.

Everything is boring. I'm bored with life. What's going on? No, I don't want to talk.

Blogging is going at a pretty terrific pace at the moment, with almost an average of a post a day since the new year. As stated before, I've been pretty keen on the stats page in the dashboard, but it doesn't tell you how many visits your blog has had in total. Because if I just access dropc.blogspot.com, I'd assume that this doesn't count as a pageview? Regardless, we have about 5k pageviews so far, which is
pretty good. Hope you've all learned something from the chaos that comes out of our minds.

Joaquin out

I Will When I Have The Time

And right now, that's all you need to know.

There's a lot of investigative work to be done...

Joaquin out.

They Don't Want To Know Me

Absolute weirdest dream last night. I'm not convinced that I did meet the devil in my dream, in some sort of grotesque Exorcist type strangeness. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night, and I am incredibly tired today.

At least Good Game is back on tv! I was worried when they stopped putting the shows up in WMV format, but MP4 format plays on the tv, so I'm a happy little camper.

Made a shocking faux pas today where I inadvertently implied that a female friend was fat (right to her face)! What's worse is that I didn't even realise what I had said until she noted how offended she was. Yikes! Totally not my intention, but I apologised, but who knows how that one will pan out.

Feeling kind of violent lately, I don't know why. I was in the lift with some guy and all I could think about was jumping him and knocking him out. How very odd.

Let's talk about sexual politics! Bettina Arndt recently released an essay (yes, I'm still miffed that anyone would write essays outside of an assessable environment) regarding women who dress provocatively for attention. Arndt states that women do have a right to dress as they please, but they should not kick up a fuss when they attract attention from everyone. Essentially, the essay states that some women will
dress provocatively to attract attention from men - but only the right kind of alpha men. If attention is given by your typical Beta male, then a fuss will be created by said female. However, the article also went on to say that Betas know that they do not have a chance with said woman and tend to act quite aggressively and will leer and get grabby. This is very interesting behaviour being exhibited. Speaking
from personal experience, if a woman is dressed rather skimpily, I will look (yes I can't help it), but only for a second and then look away! But apparently when alphas are presented with the same behaviour, they are apparently invited to do so and further flirting can occur. How very interesting! I don't consider myself an alpha
male, not in the slightest sense. But what is interesting is that women will spurn advances from other men and call them inappropriate, but it is not as if women can just be "on show" for alphas. The rest of us are here too - not that I would be the kind to leer at our physically touch a woman wearing seductive clothes. But the idea is, of course we are looking at you! As Les Femme Anomaly said, women have a right to wear what they want, but if you wear something skimpy, don't be surprised if guys are going to look at you, but it's another thing to be harassed. Amen.

I guess I'm still reeling from High School and College rejection where the bad boys reigned supreme with the women, and going through my late teens to 20's and going on 30, I have to say that on the whole, alphas do get the girls. But they don't stay with them. So essentially, men on the whole are hardwired to desire women that they can't have. Then women on the whole are hardwired to desire men who can be with any
other woman. Ah the tragedy of man - God, how you make fools of us all.

This weekend will be devoted to more house hunting - oh fun fun fun!

Hmm let's get in some MW3 MP though, I could really do with shooting a few people.

Should also really start getting into a bit more guitar action. Something new, something original. That's what I want.

Is it just me, or is Liam Neeson in everything these days? The guy's wife died not that long ago, yet his output is still massive, I just don't get it. Take some time off and grieve, man!

I liked how Dave's Subaru Impreza RS had bucket seats. He would drive slowly, but going around corners, I loved the feeling of being planted to the seat.

Joaquin out.

Calling A 30 Year Old Woman Cute

A Pen, Some Paper & A Good View: that's what I could do with. I'm feeling uncharacteristically creative - too bad I'm stuck at work!

I've gotta have a consumer tirade here. Uncle Toby's Muesli Bars (I only eat the choc chip soft ones), as well as their Plus range of cereals are normally quite good. However, over the past few months, I think they have changed their recipes and started adding additional things to the recipe, or substituted ingredients, because they now taste horrible! What's worse is that they haven't informed their consumers, so you are still paying the original price but getting inferior goods. Shame on you Uncle Tobys. On top of that, my wife likes to eat Carman's Kitchen style muesli bars. They have done the same thing! I thought they would have had some ethics being a smaller company driven by providing top level goods, but it seems they are
also driven by profit and screwing the customer over. Go back to the original recipes!! Stop putting these new oats or seeds in there!!


I wonder why we had a tendency to break things during sex - almost all of it yours. You took it as a sign of the intensity and destructive nature of our relationship. Glasses, vases, photo frames, even the windscreen of the car. That being said, it was enjoyable, and totally indicative of the passion and self involved nature we had. I'm telling all of you - if you haven't had sex like that, then I'm afraid you haven't been wildly in love.

I saw Jimmy M today. I have not seen him since that magical first night I spent with you. That night when I realised I could easily fall in love with you. We were at that bar that I have never been to, and we were wildly drunk and whispering in each other's ear and getting closer and closer throughout the evening. He was on the other side of the room with his friends and looked over at us and he gave me a look of envy and nodded his head. I probably should have bought him a drink. I wonder what he thought today when he saw me? I bet he was reminded of you and what must have become of you after that evening. Only you and I, and a select few others know the answer to that.


Noticed that Napoleon Total War and Shogun 2 Total War have gone on sale in stores. Now I have to say that the new gunpowder related elements in Empire and Napoleon (at least in the demo I played) are against the general idea of the Total War series. It makes things too easy. This is a shame, since I still need to finish Medieval 2 Total War's expansion packs and hit up Empire Total War. But I really want to play Shogun 2 - which apparently is the best in the series. That's saying something, because Rome Total War is one of my favourite games of all time. But I also need a new comp to show off the goodness. Ahh GTA5, I can't wait for you! Let's troll Los Santos!! Though I will admit that I'm a bit sad that San Fierro won't feature, I loved that place. In fact that's where I base myself out of - well there and the desert so I can access my Harrier Jet.

More tomorrow!

Joaquin out.

Something For Payola In Jackson County

Uncharacteristically busy day today! Luckily, I still found the time to blog...

Further to my previous post about buying a house, it is just astonishing to see what ridiculous fees and payments banks will levy against you when buying property! Loan establishment fee? So you want my business, and I'm handing you money, but for the sheer privilege of dealing with you, I have to pay you even more?! Goddamn, that is ridiculous! Then mortgage insurance! The house is your bloody collateral, why do you require even more money? All just greedy profit makers really.

What saddens me about this is that no right minded person can ever really own anything. Prices for cars (and houses) have jumped exponentially, but salaries haven't exactly caught up to them. Therefore, everyone has to apply for a loan to buy these things, so in order to live decently, you are automatically subscribed to a life of debt. How fucked up is that? Nobody is really free if we have banks consistently in our pockets just to live our lives? If people work hard and save, they will still never be able to own a home in cash straight away. That is reserved for your top tier bastards, like CEOs and Politicians and what not. If you're reading this, please rise up and fight this system.

I'm on a recruitment panel at the moment, and it just depresses the hell out of me. There are so many inexperienced and inadequate people applying for roles!! Not just that, they all have law degrees. How can such stupid people get degrees in such a field? Oh my god, Law has become the new Arts degree! Someone have mercy on our souls, this is just too terrible. Law degrees are a dime a dozen and it means
nothing now. These people are all pathetic.

You want a snapshot on the state of humanity? Look out on to any busy road. People cross the street in areas not designated as crossings. That's not the issue - watch the cars. If someone crosses the street, even if a car is far back, it will always speed up to scare the pedestrian into crossing quicker. So this is what's become of us now.


She would always say that she was afraid that something bad would happen to her soul because of what we were doing. That always threw me in some way. Was she rotting from the inside? But what's more important is that I am starting to feel the same way about things. She is my drug. We would talk about it and I would try to appease
her, but I always felt that somehow it was all falling on deaf ears. But she's gone now, and I hope that her soul can be renewed and purged of my influence.


Is it just me, or are girls afraid to orgasm? Bear with me for a minute here, every time I have been intimate with a woman, a whole negotiation and support network procedure has to be established before they can be convinced it's ok to have an orgasm. On several occasions, girls have just freaked out and had to stop continuing. Why can't they just lose themselves in it and seek pleasure? Women -
interesting things they are!

Here's a thought - democracy killed evolution. In nature, alphas reign supreme, and are followed due to fear and admiration. In a fully democratic society, doesn't resentment weigh in as a factor and therefore, alphas cannot rule? If this is the case and betas and omegas are reigning supreme, then surely we as a species have
fundamentally changed?

Food for thought, really!

Joaquin out.