Welcome to the Panic Brigade - Rule #1, Don't Think Twice

So, she's:

nicer than me (check)
friendlier than me (check)
more sociable than me (check)
more likeable than me (check)
better looking than me (obviously)!
younger than me (by a LOT)!
different to anyone I've ever met (check)

But goddamn, she's smarter than me??! Now that, THAT is just the ultimate kick in the teeth! So yes, maybe I was doing a spot of google/facebook stalking (so sue me, they shouldn't have taught us investigative journalism in uni) - and goddamn, a UAI that almost matches the dux from my college, all these academic awards and honours. I can't get over it. Like gah??! Que??! Shite, seriously, is there any more punishment that I can take in relation to this? I'm already not sleeping and not eating properly. It's only a matter of time before I wind up in hospital! But I never would have guessed. The thought had never crossed my mind. But it's there, in black and white, reputable websites and everything.

Shit! Ahhh! Did I mention previously that this was obsession? I just don't get it. This has called into question EVERYTHING. Did I think I had it all figured out before? Someone once told me that you don't really know a goddamn thing till you're 30. Anything before the is just like some stupid 18 year old thinking they know all and then being schooled over the next few years.

She has the brightest future available to her. The question is, is it going to be one without me in it? Who knows, the world is a rapidly changing place. Where is my life headed? I don't know, looks like the long road to nowhere.

"Things get so crazy, crazy" - Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty "Push". Too true.

I'm counting down the days here.

So YES, like I said, I updated the patented JRL (Joaquin Rate List)! You can find it at: http://dropc.blogspot.com/2004/12/great-fun-to-be-around-you.html

Haha see, it did happen eventually!!

Is blogging cathartic for me? I have no idea. I just keep doing it cause I have to. I will also aim to get the other to start blogging again.

Have a nice day folks! This could be the last one for 2008, but you know me, I'm bound to have more pointless stuff to say soon!

Oops!

Have you ever called someone the wrong name while in the middle of an intimate situation? I'm about to. That's what this obsession is doing to me.

It's not good, especially when you see it happening BEFORE hand.

Ahh, where is this all going? Maybe it's just a passing phase.

Yes, I know I know, the JRL update will come soon, settle down!

Have a nice day folks!

I could keep it all inside...

Maybe things would be better off that way.

I have been trying incredibly hard to get up early to get more done, but it's just not happening.

As a result, I am getting less done, and the days are just passing me by, not good!

I'm also having the strangest dreams. Last night I was flying around my home town (no plane, all under my all power thank you very much) - listening to a dance remix of Motor Ace's Carry On. Yeah, don't ask!

There's no hyacinths in December, so I had to settle for roses. Then again, I don't know if she would have known what they signify anyway. The whole background and legend behind those are so apt. I guess I did die on the way to impress her, and now I'm paying the price and I have to keep my mouth shut till I can get out of there. Now I'm going stir crazy, stir fucking crazy!!

Ahhh, my favourite part of the day is the split second after my alarm goes off and I'm trying to get my bearings. I don't know where I am, who I am, what I have to do, what my obligations are. It's the best.

Until the next one, have a nice day folks! Woo, we're creeping up (slowly) to 500 posts! Should be good!

You might have to take care of that someday soon

Yes I know that.

I can't sleep anymore. I'm just thinking about her!!!!!!!!!!! Oh god, this is awful, I can't think straight. I had so much planned for these holidays, but it's all being wasted by walking around here in just a full on daze. I don't know what I'm doing.

So did I ever mean it when I say those three words? I bloody well hope so. Then again I thought I knew who I was. Maybe I don't know a goddamn thing.

Coming clean isn't going to be easy. But I do need a shower. How apt.

Been playing guitar like a fiend lately, it feels good.

Hmm maybe the truth comes out when I'm out of there. We'll see what happens!

Till then, have a nice day folks!

Can we do anything that we want?

So it's near end of year. I have completed the blog introspective! It took me two and a half days, and it was honestly insane. I have changed so much over the past 4 years that I can't even recognise my earlier posts. That's kind of scary. How have I changed? I don't know, I just know I'm not the same person.

I should also take this opportunity to apologise to Blogger! I have ranted and raved previously about how crap it is, but they have worked hard and addressed all the issues that I used to have. I now find it to be a great, easy to use system.

Ahh holidays. I'm looking forward to no shaving, slacking, movies, tv shows, games (it was also going to be no showering, but that wouldn't fly if I wanted to continue to exercise in public).

Yes, so this year has been lacklustre blog wise, but you have to understand that this time is all about transition for the other and I. New challenges, and the crushing nature of reality on our former heady spirits.

Now that work is over for a while, I know that it'll be a good time for me to try to get her out of my head. However, I know that I will miss her incredibly, and that I will have to see her again shortly. She is amazing, and now she knows it, let's see what happens. This shouldn't be happening!! I'm in my mid 20's, she's still a teenager! But there is just something there, something I can't explain.

I've found that previously my posts made a lot more sense, now I guess that things are WAY more cryptic. Reading back I can't even decipher what the hell I was saying before. I guess lack of time stops me from telling the whole story.

This may be the last post of 2008, so if so, happy new year. But if not, I shall post soon! Yes yes, I know you're all hanging out for JRL update, it shall be with you soon! Have a nice day folks!

Is it time to start blaming you?

Cause I don't know what time it really is!

Sometimes when I see things like this happening, my dread is well founded. Today was no exception. Too many revelations. Too many meanings being changed on the choice of a few select words.

But when it all pans out the way you expected it to, there is some relief. If it went another way, well then...it just wouldn't happen! Hahah!

I guess it's up to me to have the last laugh now. All I have to do is just find the right joke.

I think I may begin my blog introspective and post before the year is out. OH! I almost forgot, I will also update the JRL as soon as humanly possible! Have a nice day folks.

Conformity Ain't Originality!

No sir, it ain't.

Dread, like THE big feeling of something negative is impending, and it edges itself closer to you. This unknown sense that something is about to happen, and you know it's going to be bad. You need to adjust accordingly, but if you underreact you get hurt, and if you overreact, you look like an idiot.

Dread and fear now hand in hand. Dominating my mind. Paralysing me. Am I in control here? It sure doesn't seem like it. I need to be saved here. I wish it was anxiety, I know what that feels like, I can get over it, it's tough but it's not crippling. This is beyond anything I have known before.

So when did I even have this duality? I don't even remember, I'm sure I pinpointed it somewhere in a past post but now it escapes me. I've always spoken to myself (on the inside) as far back as I can remember, but now there's the same voice with differing opinions. Is it a conscience? Is it just me playing games with myself?

The last time I felt this sort of sick dread, I KNOW I posted about it, so you can go and find out for yourselves. I told my friend one time that this dread is akin to facing a mortal wound. What is this wound for? I enjoined no battle.

The next few days should be interesting. Have a nice day folks.

"I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed, I'm lost but I'm hopeful"

Oh shit!!!!! I didn't think her name would be coming back so soon. But I open my mail and there it is. Is this a sign??

Some guidance please, God?

Lucky I don't use twitter, or else I'd have 30 million thoughts a day.

"Did we squander the chance? In the rush of the race, the reasons we chase are lost in romance. And still we try..."

At times like this I'm reminded of Kaki King's Doing The Wrong Thing. Thoughts of her just running through my head, I can't concentrate. This is turning into an unhealthy obsession.

I'm sure I had plenty to say, but as usual, I cannot remember. I need to return to having physical blognotes, so I can write down thoughts as they come to me, no matter where I am!

I think I'm going to watch some movies this weekend, that'll be a nice way to relax, and hopefully get her out of my mind. Ahhh! The softest skin I've ever touched, stunning in every way, turning heads wherever she goes.

Ahhhhh dichotomy. Good vs bad. Are we at our very core bad? And we must fight to be as good as possible? Or are we neutral and we must decide as every case arises?

Temptation is obsession and vice versa. Hmm, I will just aim to relax today.

So I probably have the emotional age of someone who is 16. I probably didn't develop emotionally well and now it's all coming back sevenfold in this adult world. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I just want it all. I can just always rely on my ever trusty friend apathy to guide me through this, hand in hand.

Karnivool's cover of Sleeping Satellite by Tasmin Archer is FANTASTIC. I have to say, one of the best covers I have ever heard in my life.

It's overcast today, I wish it was raining. I love it when I'm walking and it's overcast and then I get home and it starts raining.

That is all. Have a nice day folks!

So let it be what it'll be (pre-empting the buzzer...)

So what has the time between my last post and this post brought me? Just a sea of violent thoughts. Just random, extreme violent thoughts. Everyone, everywhere, I don't even know why. It's just like some sick curiosity (what would happen if...)!

So what else is news? Not much to tell you the truth. I had one of the best dreams I've ever had in my life, and what's good is that I woke up just after I came out of that sleep cycle, so I remembered it very well and I can still remember it well now, and it was just the best.

In a lot of my dreams I'm in houses I've never been to (or even seen). I'm not a specialist when it comes to architecture, but I can appreciate a good building like art.
In this dream I went to a beautiful house, which was probably impossible from an engineering and physics standpoint, but damn it was just supreme.

I wonder if in death we can revisit our dreams. That would be the best. Some of mine have been fascinating but utterly confusing. I would like to go back to see if I could understand them better. That would be an alright death indeed.

I'm all about the nostalgia now. Case in point? I was walking home from work and I got caught in the draught of some woman who was wearing this perfume that reminded me of my childhood. I don't know why! I can't even remember what the smell was anymore (I made a mental note, but that didn't last obviously). I guess the nostalgia is probably due to the fact that I've realised my life has just turned to shit. I remember some anecdote somewhere where some guy was making an analogy between life and a dung beetle. Just endlessly pushing a pile of shit uphill. That's it's sole purpose.

I guess this period has also been characterised by extreme bouts of low self confidence. I remember one day I just felt like giving up (not LITERALLY), but just staying in bed and not giving a damn, but of course I just went into auto-pilot and just acted out the whole day. It was weird, like I had no faith or confidence in my abilities, or anything that I usually trust in myself - the things that make me ME.

Crisis here. She's incredibly beautiful. Like one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. Her body, it's like a perfect hourglass. But the best part is her personality. She's so friendly, so affable. Always smiling and laughing. I've never known anyone like her. I enjoy talking to her so much. That and staring at her like a slack jawed-yokel too, of course! The whole point and joy of youth just exhudes from her. That could be because she's almost 6 years younger than me! I'm not that old either, so that age gap is pretty big. She's just...wonderful!

This should tide you over until the next one! And yes, the patented Joaquin's Rate List (JRL) will be updated soon!! Have a nice one folks.

"It hates me like you hate me"

When I get up in the mornings to exercise, I notice that there are no sounds coming from the corridors and other rooms on my level. When I come home from work, everyone is already home. Am I working such crazy hours that this has turned into my life? When do these people go to work? I leave for work relatively late in the morning, so I'm just wondering what the hell these people do, and where they do it. Oh well, it's not like I associate with them anyway.

I like being where I am. I'm so divorced from the outside world (well most of the time). I can't hear traffic or people on the street (not like my last place). I can't even tell when it's raining!

11:11, and so it goes...

I realised today that I had never spoken to her before, or been within 1 metre of her. So when the time came I was pleasantly surprised, and scared witless. She's incredibly beautiful and everything that I find wonderful. This is very dangerous.

Got plenty to do this weekend, so that's it for now. Have a nice day folks.

Hit me with your best shot...come on

I'm actually sort of amazed by the variety of songs that Pat Benatar has, and the range of her voice. I've never noticed that before, but oh well!


What is there to report? Not a lot really. Just blerghtacular.

I really hate it when people jump to unshakeable conclusions despite having no concrete facts. All just tenuous guesses. Ahh!

I'm playing a lot of counterstrike, it's very cathartic. Mmmm more shooting please!

Enough for now. Till I have something of some substance to say. Have a nice day folks!

When anxiety attacks! To decode perhaps...

Yes yes, before you go on, the update to the patented Joaquin Rate List (JRL) is coming soon, I promise! I just have to get around to it, then everything will be right with the world again.

I watched Jurassic Park last weekend. I love that movie, I'd forgotten how good it was. It's such a nostalgic trip back in time to my youth, and I was lost in fantasy again, not crappy crappy reality. In fact, when I was younger and all caught up in the Jurassic Park hype, I wanted to be a paleontologist. Haha I wonder how that would have turned out? Now look at me!

In fact, those were good times, I remember watch Jurassic Park 2 at a friend's place. The place was gigantic and somewhere in the basement was his brother's computer with all these pirated DVD's and VCD's, and we stumbled across that and just watched it in the dark, and I enjoyed it (crappy movie), but the whole ambience was something that doesn't happen anymore really.

I can't do anything, I have no concentration, no energy, no zest for life. I can't do anything at home, it's just pointless I might as well be homeless, as long as I have a mattress to stay warm and sleep, I'm pretty much doing the same sort of thing.

So I've seen the sights and taken a trip that I hadn't done in 10 years, and it was awesome, even despite being in the lap of decadence. I'll need to do it again sometime, maybe when I have some time to spare.

I also saw something incredibly odd! It was this ball of orange over the city, like BRIGHT orange, just flying around. It was too bright to be a plane (and too slow), but it was too fast to be an animal. I tried to catch it on my camera phone but it didn't come out at ALL in the dark, so now I'll have to try and take my actual camera to see if I can catch it next time, so people don't call me a creepy UFO person! What do I think it was? I have no bloody idea, but I'd like to know.

Anxious? I don't really get the attacks anymore. Not since university was over, anyway. But now I'm starting to develop "word salad". I just keep trying to say stuff but I speak in gibberish, or nonsensical sentences that I KNOW don't make sense as I'm saying it. Where the hell did that come from?! Could I please make it at least 12 fucking months without a psychological problem?! Is that too much to ask?

I was going to try to watch a movie, but I'm about to pass the fuck out. I guess I'll sleep and watch a lot of movies early tomorrow. Have a nice day folks!

Missing legato on the uptake

Which wasn't all that hot to begin with.

So where was I? Well nowhere really, since I just started for today!

My building is odd. Apparently there's this whole other side of the building that I was totally unaware of. Not only that, but it's meant to be the "rich" side. Apartments are bigger and there's meant to be more views. However for some queer reason they don't have a 6th floor?! How is that even possible??! Is it just an empty void?! Didn't know snobs could be snobbier!

In another development, I'm also getting up earlier, and my sleep time has fluctuated, as a result, I keep passing the hell out at about 8ish for like 30 mins to an hour. This is soooooo bad for wanting to get stuff done in the evening, and for trying to get to sleep on time cause I just dont' feel tired then! I must fight to turn this around.

But new eps of Hustle at 9:30, so I must do what I can. Have a nice day folks!

"I've got a bad feeling about this..."

And it was well founded!

Like yesterday, the signs were ominous and I knew that things were going to be bad this week.

Off to a flying start already. I just know it's going to go down further and further from here.

11:11 struck me like a ton of bricks.

Let's see what happens from here, shall we?

One for December.

Have a nice day folks!