Sunday, December 13, 2015

Punched In The Guts By Google Maps!

What are the things we learn?  Are they relevant in the end?

This does not represent a return to casual blogging goodness.  I'll get back into it someday.  Things have just changed.  I don't have the time that I used to, and I don't have the capacity.  It would be great.  I have plenty of things I'd like to say.  Hopefully in time I'll remember, and I'll be able to get those words out to all of you.

Thanks for sticking with us (well me) during the hiatus.  It's not like I've been sitting on my ass the whole time.

I remember the first fight I was ever in, it was over in no time.  I was like 9, and the other kid was like 11 or 12 and he was a behemoth.  Just some gigantic motherfucker.  I can't remember what happened, I think I was talking to his sister or something (who was about my age - no flirting or anything, I wasn't even into girls at that age), and he got amped up and just totally punched me in the stomach.  Hard.  It hurt like hell and I was down for the count.  One punch, over.  I cried like a bitch, of course.  Then I realised nobody was going to help me after that.  I found out he was a black belt in karate.  So why did he feel the need to punch out a kid smaller and younger than him?  So weird.  I wonder what happened to him?

For all everyone talks about how much worse our life is with technology, I think it actually makes our life easier.  Well more convenient anyway.  We can live without it, sure, but it should be up to people to make a choice.  Remember that 10km walk I did with no directions?  I just kept line of sight to the city and I gradually made it home.  Just look out for landmarks and keep your eyes open.  Not all that difficult.  I made it.  It was an odyssey of sorts.  But imagine if I'd had Google Maps?!  I wouldn't have gotten lost, I would have been able to listen to music as I was given GPS style directions.  Wow.  What a world!

What a world?


Until the next unguaranteeable time!

Joaquin out.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

First Day Last Day

It's been a long time coming.  Can I make the most of the 90 minutes I have left?  Sometimes it just happens without a reason.  At least I knew my time was coming.  Where does life go from here on out?  Do things change?  I'm not scared.  I'm not afraid of things I've already experienced.  The sauce isn't worth the squeeze.  The squeeze isn't worth the juice, and other stupid things.  Other people are going through the exact same thing.  I'm not bothered. 

It's been a while since I've blogged, but that's because I've had so many things on.  Work, changing jobs, study.  Just general exhaustion.  I just want to sleep and never wake up, ever.  But in good news, the other has gone back to Bangers town for a little while this month.  I've encouraged him to blog, but with the internet over there being so slow, who knows if it's even a remote possibility.  We'll see!

Somedays you just want to hope that plans fall through and you can just go home and relax.  Some people are just too intimidating.  I've got nothing.  Like literally nothing!  There's nothing you can do in that kind of situation. 

Who knows?

I wonder.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, February 05, 2015

You Can't Build Momentum

You just get bottlenecked and nothing will ever eventuate.  But I have to go and try my best.  The wheels are in motion, but not enough of them to give me what I need. 

Yeah, I think it was you.  It would make sense.  Fuck it, I'm going to leave work early today.  I've done enough today.  I don't want to see anyone.  I don't want to go anywhere.  Just let me be nothing.  This is all an accident.  A sick accident.  I shouldn't be here.  There's been a major mistake.

I've slipped through the cracks, and here I am.  My existence was an accident.  It's a hard thing to come to grips with.  But here I am.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

All Bent Out Of Shape

Am I morphing into some weird gunky substance?  Sorry to return to the dream diary state of things, but I had some absolute doozies last night.  A house party or housesitting where I had a gun pulled on me, only to talk down the person and make friends with them!  Then I was hanging out with a friend from High School who I haven't seen since that time, and his brother was skydiving with some other people.  We saw them, and their chutes failed and they all crashed into the ground.  We took a truck to go and help, and despite some major injuries, they were all alive.  Then I woke up at like 5am and I could not go back to sleep.  I need to try and sleep earlier and get some semblance of fitness together.  I'm not altogether healed, but I hope it's enough to allow me to get moving again.  I'd like to be awake and motivated for my day.

My work computer is a pain.  It's slow, and the GPU fails every hour or so when I've got more than 2 tabs open.  Sorry, but in order to work I need to multitask!  Work computers, outside of IT are never good.  I wonder why companies don't really make the investment in better processing power.  I'm excited for the Raspberry Pi!  A cheap processor with power that can operate the new Windows?  That's excellent.  I can't wait.  I think I've pretty much stopped doing all I can with crazy graphics processing.  I just need to have something that can run a browser and a word processor and handle external media.  Done and done.  Save some money, and get things done!  Not bad overall.  Or maybe I'll just get an Intel NUC.  Who knows.  There's a massive price differential, so we'll see.

Ok, I've got things to do, so I'll get on to that.  Most people are afraid to be themselves.  Why is that?  It's refreshing when you meet someone who is true to who they are, warts and all. 

Last night was a bit of a fail, and I'm sorry for that post.  But I got absolutely nothing done.  I wonder why.  I need to stop blowing so much time on nothing.

Well hey, at least I get to leave early today.  Only 2 and a half hours to go.  And now it's down to under an hour.  I have been scarily productive today.  It's almost worrying.  I'm sure tomorrow will be a return to old form.  I just have to sleep early and get going.  Hope my legs hold up under the pressure. 

Here's to it!

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

The Defiance Of No Way!

I think I have pretty much given up.  I'm done.  I can't do this.  What's worse, is that I don't even know what this is.  I don't even know what I'm giving up on.  All I know is that I can't do it.  Doesn't matter what it is, I just don't want to deal.  No, I can't even.  I don't feel well.  Tuesdays are two hundred times worse than Mondays.  You can at least live in denial on Monday, but the body responds on Tuesday, and you pay the price for it.  I'd like to get back into binge watching tv.  That would help my current frame of mind.  Got things to do.  I'm getting through it! 

3.5 hours.  This can't be right.

And I'm not.

Joaquin out.

Monday, February 02, 2015

Fortune Favours The Few

Not even the brave.  Not even the cowardly.  It is random and strange in appearance.  What a tiring weekend.  I didn't even do anything worthwhile.  BUT I did manage to replace my cooked hard drive.  All is well.  All was backed up and easily able to be restored.  Got some good guitaring in, it's nice to be able to play again.  So productive, if not entirely restful.  All I want to do when I get home today is sleep.

Gosh, where did January go?  I thought I'd get more out of it in terms of relaxation, but it has been nothing like that.  It just went by so quickly.  Probably not helped by all my late nights.  I should make a more concerted effort to watch more things.  My external hard drive is actually running out of space.  That's not good news at all. 

Why has yahoo changed its layout?  It was a good source for American news and politics, and the cookies were good in that it tailored content based on previous clicks.  But now I can't access comics, and stories are basically packed all over each other.  Most news sites have gone to horrible layouts.  I guess it is all about trying to become more 'buzzfeed' like in trying to clickbait people, and passing off opinion and self help articles as news.

It's been a while since any major political system in the West has had an inspiring leader don't you think?  It's more about lying to the public, breaking promises, staying in power and populist notions of selfishness and fear. 

I look at my task list and realise I have nothing to do.  Great.

I think that she knows.  Not that it bothers me.  Why am I impatient?  It's just another day.  But it's not a complete thing.  Argh, now it's all just getting a little bit too difficult.  This weekend, next weekend all mean the same thing.  Maybe both worlds can collide and it can turn out better than last time.

Just being here was a true test of mental strength.  I was so tired, I didn't want to come in.  But I'm here, I'm here damn it.  My pens are all dry, how am I supposed to write?  That's okay, I have my trusty keyboard, and I can blog.  That's the best.

The other is going to be overseas in Bangers for pretty much all of Feb.  It'll be my goal to get him to blog while he's gone.  It'll be like old times, hopefully. 

Now we get down to business.  With 4 hours left on this clock!!  Having blazing fast internet at home has ruined me for internet anywhere else.  Hahaha, I know, first world problems, right.  Maybe I will attempt to take it easy this week.  Or at least today.  I have no idea what's going on with me.  Now I'm looking forward to meetings because at least it will help pass the time until I'm done. 

This is really stagnation.  I can't figure out what's going on.  There's something that makes me all incredibly uncomfortable with everything. 

I'm done.  Yeah, I think I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Reign Of The Non-Apologists

This one is all about a new name.  I've never known anyone by that name before.  Or at least been close to them. 

I feel uncomfortable with everything.  I woke up this morning freezing and I felt that life did not agree with me.  Well I don't agree with life.  Why do I need to get up?  Why do I need to be here?  Why do I need to do anything?  There's no point second-guessing.  I should just know that I'm wrong from the get-go.  But at least my waiting period is done!  I can finally talk, and I'm happy to.  It's just what I need, actually!  It has been far too long. 

The tiredness has crept back in and all I want to do is sleep.  I can't focus.  I can't concentrate on anything at all.  Even if it's the stuff I like doing!  That's not a good sign.  I would just like to feel ok.  Is that too much to ask? 

Nothing grandiose to say, no meaning to be drawn from anything.  It is all chaos.  We only try to get meaning from things because we are all scared and lost.  Desperate for some sort of explanation so we reach out and cling to anything that surrounds us.  That doesn't make it truth.  Not objectively, anyway.  It only becomes our truth because we make it.  I'm not going to ask, because I don't want to know what the answer is.  I've aged ridiculously over the past few years.  Stress has gotten the better of me I think.  It's not like I had strength anyway.  I want to just pass out where I am.  I'm not cut out for this. 

Nobody wants to apologise for anything.  At least not anymore.  It used to be a show of being mature, being the bigger person.  But now it's all about pride, and not showing any weakness, and generally, society has suffered as a result.  I've been getting back in to and their articles.  I first got into it during University as I was introduced by a tutor there.  It's really changed!  It is now very aggressively left wing, but using a very tabloid-y approach to stories.  I think the journalism itself is still strong, but the way it clickbaits people is really a bit on the nose.  But I'll keep reading!

I hope I haven't set a new precedent, that wouldn't be good for me.  But it would be my own fault, I guess!  As per usual.  Keep calm and carry on, I say.

I'm really fed up with the hypocrisy of so called 'developed' nations.  Australia has one of the worst human rights records in the world.  Just look at the treatment of the indigenous population.  Look at how we treat refugees.  Look at how we treat ourselves.  We have handed the government so much power to do anything with information about us.  We do it so willingly, and those who dare to question it are branded traitors, or get accused of having something to hide.  But places like this are always quick to point out human rights violations in places like China and North Korea, and claim to be superior as a result.  It's all just for political gain.  It's just for you to hate someone else and regard them as inferior.  It's all just grose hypocrisy.  We really need to re-think all forms of government, because none of them appear to work.  The political economy is a flawed game.

I really hate to beat on like a broken record, but something is really not right with the weather.  This has to be the mildest summer we've ever had.  I'm even wearing a jumper today, and it's late January!  That's not right.  Something is wrong with the entire system.  And of course, we ignore the problem and get riled about about silly things such as people being persecuted.

You know what's messed up?  There's always a big deal when Australians get caught overseas with drugs.  It's almost always in a country which has mandatory execution laws for drugs over a certain amount.  This happens all the time, because people think that they can get away with it.  But anyway, inevitably when people are caught, they are sentenced to death, and the country gets upset and says only uncivilised nations kill people.  It all wreaks of ethnocentrism.  Here, drugs are a massive problem, because of the way the black market operates, and how offenders are allowed to continue their operations once they're released back into the community.  Generally, Australians were upset over death sentences for the Bali 9 ringleaders Myuran Sukkumaran and Andrew Chan, as well as to Van Nguyen in Singapore.  They asked for clemency, staged demonstrations and what not, only for them to fall on deaf ears.  But in all of this, they forget that they could save the lives of others.  Refugees who come and are not criminals, who have committed no crime are always sent back to their nations to face further persecution, or are left to languish in brutal prison regimes in detention processing centres.  They could save the lives of these people, but they don't.  They want the best for their citizens, no matter how much they've messed up, but they won't give a second thought to the lives of the innocent.  I'm reminded of the Barrabas story in the Bible, when the Romans offered the citizens the choice between Jesus and Barrabas. 

Just a few more hours.  I can't even wait.  Well shit, it looks like my afternoon is sorted for me.  Not so much fun.  Just pointless busy work.  It's only 2pm?!  It feels like 4pm!  Ahhhhh!!!  Still 3.5 hours more of this shit to go!!!  I'm not going to ask for anything.  It needs to be offered.  Maybe everything has changed and it will never go back to the way it was.  And I guess that's ok.  I guess I shouldn't have been expecting so much. 

Well hey, at least I had a few good thoughts this week.  I got some work done too.  I got some guitar in.  What more could you want? 

I'll cram it all into my mouth thank you.  Yes, I saw you.  I saw it happen.  You can't deny it.  But why would you lie?  To save face?  I will get to the bottom of it.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Crushed Beyond All Doubt

I've gotta get a move on.  There's things happening out there and I need to be a part of it.  But the question is, do I want to?  I could just sleep it off and let it all get away from me.  Had to take a day off yesterday because I was hurting.  For some reason my leg has been killing me for the past few days, and I don't know why.  Yesterday it was unbearable and I couldn't take the pain so I just stayed in bed for most of the day.  I think my preferred sleeping period would be getting to bed at 3-4am, and sleeping right through to 1pm.  That would be perfect if I could do that everyday.  But then there's work, life, obligations.  It's all a great pain isn't it?  Pain, pain, pain.  And they say pain is a phantom of the mind.  But it's always there.  And there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm concerned about going too far, getting too deep into the water.  It's going to drown me.  I've almost drowned before, and the experience was not pleasant.  But this is entirely different.  Is this a situation where the second option is actually really wanted?  That would be the best.  But all good things must come to an end at some point.  Can I not enjoy things as they are for now?  So long as I don't dig myself deeper.  Exercising patience can be a real bitch sometimes.  I don't enjoy the way it makes me feel. And I'm concerned about what it does to other people.  I think about it more than I should.  In fact, it's my only overarching thought that haunts me from morning until night.  Sometimes I can't even sleep, just like last night.  I speak too soon!  I wonder if these feelings and thoughts are reciprocal?  And yet I'm here stuck thinking about the weather.  Just how different life may have been.  I'm the victim of my own choices.  Why?  Because I didn't think about what was at stake.  I wonder what it all could have turned out like?  I don't want to wait, but I have to.  There is a key difference. 

It strikes me as very weird that my life is so caught up in the goings on of a University I did not even attend until I had already become a post-graduate.  It's really strange.  Maybe everything fell into place as it should.  Then why am I left feeling so confused?  I can second guess myself.  That's ok.  I will become my own pariah in this search for truth. 

Crappenfest!  Still have 3 hours until I'm done.  What I'm amazed by was how much I got done while home yesterday.  90 minutes to go!  Ahhh, not going fast enough. 

Growth is a ridiculous thing.  The world is finite.  We can keep growing as a general population, but there's just shit that does not make sense at all.  Take businesses.  Just say you have an idea to sell napkins.  Napkins are made out of paper (mostly), right?  You sell your idea with the idea to expand market share and what not, and gradually have everyone using your products.  But is such a thing possible?  There will be other napkin makers.  At some point, you will reach saturation point, and your product can't grow anymore.  The business can't grow.  So what does that do your stock?  There has to be a point at which the stock would stop growing.  Unless the system is built on permanent cycles where things dip and grow to recover what was lost.  So what's the point?  Not everything can be napkins.  Trees are going to stop growing eventually.  Get what I mean?  There has to be a limit to these things.

I'll call it here.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Who Is That Girl?

I have referenced the same song multiple times in the past few posts!  I guess because it's the first song I listen to when I load up my muzak at work.  It's a good song anyway.  Ok, I've had some time off, and now back at work I realise why I hate everything, and I'm reminded of just how tired I am.  I just need so much more time off to just relax and devote more time to not caring.  It's actually an incredibly tiring and involving activity - this apathy!  I got in some serious guitar time yesterday.  I'm impressed with how much I was able to do.  I think I'm due for a nail cutting though.  Should help with some of the more intricate pieces.

So the worst has finally happened, and my hard drive has finally packed it in.  My own fault really.  I should have changed it as soon as I noticed it was having problems.  But that's Western Digital for you!  These stupid Green 2TB hard drives!  All my time in owning computers and it's this one that is the first to pack it in!  I can't believe it.  So it looks like I've got my weekend all sorted.  Annoying!  I just want to sleep it all away.

Crap, and I don't think I have anything to say.  Why does it always work out this way?  So much going on in some facets, and now I am starved for ideas on here.  Just who is this person?  I really hate where things are going.  It would have been much easier if it was just like the rest.  But it's not, it's all entirely different!  And it scares me, because it is nothing but uncertainty.  That is the only certainty, and that definitely bothers me.  Outclassed, outmatched, outboxed at every opportunity.  It has been a real eye-opener of an experience.  How does someone like that even exist?  Okay, I may have let you have the last word yesterday, but I'm sure I'll have it today.  Does it go to show that you were thinking of me?  The same way that I think about you.  Not bloody likely, I'm afraid.  It can't be possible.  Not for me.  At least not in this circumstance. 

It was recently Australia Day here.  It brings up a lot of issues.  It's a celebration day of the arrival of the first fleet in Australia.  But it also signifies the explicit genocide and massacre of the indigenous population, and the theft of their land.  It's also an excuse for crazed conservative types to put on Australian flags as capes, get drunk, and chase after some 'foreign' looking people, because they can't possibly be as Australian as you.  In fact, they're not even Australian, they're just different, and therefore deserving of your misplaced aggression.  Australians love it because it is a public holiday, but they refuse to acknowledge the fact that Australia has a black history.  They want to discount the shared suffering of a bunch of people, and you will see stupid comments like the Prime Minister saying that there was nothing here before white colonisation, this is despite the High Court admitted that the country was not empty.  Until these things are rectified, you will never have peace. 

Left wing Australia Day: complain about the inherent racism of the holiday, then support a radio music show that features an overwhelmingly white bunch of artists.  Irony, engage!

Damn, it's only 10am and I've already checked out.  When can this day end so I can go home?  The only certainty is the impermanence of life.  None of this is being regulated!

And that's it!  I'm done.  I have nothing.  I'm sorry.  This is a waste of a post, it's a waste of a life.  Only got myself to blame.  There is only me to resent.  Maybe I can work today.  Cause I'm dysfunctional. 

At least it's Tuesday?  But it feels like a Wednesday.  That doesn't bode well for the rest of the week.  But hey, at least I'll get paid this week.  That makes this monotony a bit easier to take.  Only a bit. 

I read this great speech by Steven Spielberg at a Holocaust memorial thing in Poland.  He said that what we experience as children has a profound effect on us as adults, and I think that is very true.  These seemingly insignificant things can shape our whole identity.  That is because of who we are as children.  Without other external information to counter it, our beliefs and mindsets solidify quite quickly.  And that's important, because even later on, as adults, with more information and more education, it becomes almost impossible to change your views on something you picked up as a child.  Humans are weird creatures.  If animals could learn how we could, it would be interesting to see how this would impact who we are.  And how we are.

This body is really falling apart.  It's all just downhill from here.  I guess pain becomes something I will have to live with everyday.  Great, physical and emotional too!  Together at last! 

This is going to be one of those years!  It's super-Australian based ethnocentrism for 2015.  This year will mark the centenary anniversary of the ANZAC Gallipoli landing.  This is something that is central to the Australian-founding concept.  It is all about mateship and sacrifice and all these grand ideas that Australians love to spout off about, but don't actually practice when it comes to things like multiculturalism or accepting refugees and so on.  Of course it is all about warfare.  People aren't concerned about the idea of being in a foreign country and invading it.  People don't care that there were brutal prisoner of war murders and massacres of innocent people (on both sides).  So much stock is placed in the idea, this myth, that to question it is to draw upon the greatest of scorn from all groups.  You should be able to question everything, and point out facts.  People like to look the other way whenever it suits them.

There's no such thing as the Australian experience.  There is no Australian way of life.  To think that way is incredibly stupid.  There's no shared experience.  Everyone is different.  We are all individuals.  There could be a human experience, but all you could say is that there is birth, life, and death.  That's it.  No two experiences will be exactly the same, nor should they be.

This brings me back to warfare and hero worship of monsters.  It is no secret that I am a pacifist.  I think people rush off to wars at the drop of a hat these days, without ever really thinking about the consequences.  But they probably just want the short term boost in popularity.  But the fact is this: you can't just drum up a bunch of racist, nationalist pride to get someone to go overseas and kill someone for you.  You need to strip away their humanity, foster something disgusting and subhuman in them that was probably always there, and give them a gun, a licence to kill, and little recourse for their actions, unless you can cover it up.  This brings me to American Sniper.  I haven't seen the film (but I will), but I've read the synopsis, and I'm familiar with the story of Chris Kyle and his autobiography.  The film has inspired a renewed sense of nationalism and hatred for all kinds of foreigners.  Clint Eastwood has struck paydirt here.  He may be a conservative that didn't support the war, but he has made something that will deliberately polarise the audience, but will still get bums in seats so that they can make up their own mind.  Racist conservatives will see justification, and a new jesus-type hero in Chris Kyle, to rally the nation to its cause.  Left wingers will see an anti-war film, and the effect of PTSD on soldiers, and an immersive character study from Bradley Cooper (who has gone from strength to strength as an actor).  Chris Kyle's book is the unfiltered, more personal view of his account of the war, and it shows just how warped he was.  He joined the military after 9/11, hoping to kill terrorists.  Yet the majority of his book and the film is dedicated to the Iraq War.  A war that was cooked up by the Americans to deflect attention away from failures in Afghanistan, and tried to draw a really laughable link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein and weapons of mass destruction as a linchpin.  If he had these weapons, don't you think he would have used them?  Anyway, Kyle had this unshakeable belief that everything he was doing was right, and killing everyone was a good thing, because they were all 'uncivilised savages'.  I'm sorry, but there goes your humanity, buddy.  I don't care if you came back to help other veterans.  You're all the same.  Some may have gone with good intentions, and got messed up by what they saw and what they had to do over there, but Kyle seemed to have that 'serial killer' like thing going on in his mind, and the army was the appropriate outlet for someone like that to thrive and be a hero, and kill countless people as a State sponsored murderer. 

Chris Kyle was killed as he was attempting to rehabilitate a fellow veteran, at a gun range in his home state.  Here comes the crazed myth now.  They are now painting his killer as a psychopathic murderer, when he was just in the same position as Kyle, but didn't enjoy his job with the same blood-thirsty glee.  If Kyle had flipped out and killed his wife and kids, I'm sure they would find some way to justify it, or to explain that he was suffering from PTSD.  But someone killing this 'hero'?  Of course the other person was a vile villain who deserves to die!  Such rampant hypocrisy.  I'm not that bothered that he's dead.

What really bugs me about work, no matter where you are, managers have a hard time letting go of work.  If there's something that's annoying and crappy, they will totally delegate that in no time, and wash their hands of all responsibility.  But when it comes to good, new tasks, they will always keep that for themselves.  There's extreme micro-management and craziness. 

I'm just...I'm really just trying to get a grip on life.  I'm about 30 now.  But I don't feel like I've lived 30 years.  Sometimes I feel like I've lived too long.  But the other issue is that no matter how long I feel like I've been alive, it seems that everything can be compressed into just the past year or so.  That doesn't seem right at all.  And to think we could all just be bits of binary data.  If only the matrix were real.  But if it was, how come some people get to live so well, and others don't?  Why not keep everyone happy in delusional fakery?  Even our robot slave masters didn't believe in equality!!  Hahahaha.  Crazy.

Oh man, still 3.5 hours to go today.  I don't know if I can hang on.  Damn, this post suddenly got better, out of nowhere!  Haha, I wasn't even attempting it. 

It dawned on me a while back that I am the Earl of Lemongrab.  Sigh, 2 hours.

Better call it here.

Joaquin out.

Friday, January 23, 2015

The Letter For Today Is "M".

Rated M for mature audiences only.  It's not the proper first letter.  I'm trying to be a little different.  It's all a little bit strange.  Is it just awkward flirting?  Am I just crazy?  Or is that how things are?  It is all just strange and new to me.  Slowly but surely, I'm able to play guitar again.  Just need to work up a bit of coordination and then work on the speed.  Never the other way around, or it will mess you up.

I get the feeling that this is the last time I'm going to be doing anything.  It's not even a case of "oh my god" but more a case of "let's get this over with".  I'm tired of waiting.  I slept lateish last night, and again I couldn't sleep until my alarm went off.  I was up about 45 minutes before and couldn't get back to sleep.  Not so great with all the stuff I need to do today.  I just know it can't be good.  Oh well.  I could do with the rest, no matter what form. 

Well hey, at least I'm leaving early today.  That sure beats having to hang around for 4 hours!  But It's just 3 hours thank you very much. 

People are just weird.  I've noticed that people drive so erratically and dangerously almost all the time.  I live in a relatively empty city of 380,000.  We have good roads and wide lanes.  But people speed all the time, they dive in and out of traffic, run red lights, don't stop at stop signs, tailgate and so on.  It's like we are slowly edging towards third world anarchy.  I've been to places like that.  You can't get on the road there, it's complete and utter chaos.  People don't follow rules, they just drive, and somehow make it to their destination.  People are just animals, laws unto themselves.  When you're on the road, you're not just taking a risk with yourself, but with other people on the road too.  So I don't get why people feel the need to drive like idiots.  Do they not know what the consequences are?

Do you think humans are really clued in to the animalistic nature of their origins?  Does that explain our violence?  Does that explain our crazy need to have sex all the time?  You have the best chance of survival through safety in numbers of course.  To prove your point and make sure you can't be challenged for resources, you turn to violence as a result.  But animals realise things in packs, or at least some of them do.  Do you think group behaviour in humans in large spaces can determine whether something bad is going to happen?  Is there some sort of shared awareness?  We're not even a hive mind.  How is that even possible?  Maybe it radiates like a wave?  Can it only be determined once something bad has happened and one person reacts to it?  Is it much use then?  Reminds me of the plot of person of interest. 

I should have been paying attention at that stage.  It was all important information!  I'm not warm.  That's my problem.  I wonder how pacing in the real world is different to it being artificial?  My back is killing me.  I wonder what teh hell is going on.  It never hurts like this.  Not so good when I need to sit down for 3 hours to drive. 

This is just a nothing post isn't it?  I'm sorry!  I've just got nothing to say.  I don't even think I have anything on my mind.

But crap, I still have just under 2 hours to go before I'm out of here, so I better make this count. 

Marriage is an interesting concept don't you think?  I can understand its pagan origins and what not, but isn't it weird how it still pervades all modern day secular behaviour?  It does hark back to religious overtones, and a time when women did not hold a lot of power in society.  Marriage ensured they were protected, even if they were treated like property.  But divorce laws ensure that women were protected after separation, in the event of anything going wrong.  But things have changed, most definitely in the last century or so.  Women are working, and aren't treated as chattels anymore.  So why are there divorce laws that reward women for separation when they have sufficient earning capacity?  If a guy earns 50 thousand, and a women earns 25 thousand (which could happen, because there is a disgusting disparity in earning), how come she's suddenly entitled to half of what he has earned and paid the majority for over the life of their relationship?  She can still earn.  It's an inherently unfair power relationship before the law.  You get a lot of cases where guys get mistresses and then try to kill their wives to try a new life.  Why is that?  Why can't he just talk to his wife and say that he has found someone else?  It's because of divorce laws!  Wooo controversial!  I'm trying to get all freakonomics on you.  If he had nothing material to lose, maybe he would have communicated with her and her life could have been saved?  It's interesting food for thought.

I'm done for today. 

Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

So Many Pretty Ages

It's a strange experience being me.  If I was given the choice, I never would have picked anything in my life.  It's all a bit...stale.  Have you ever eaten stale bread, after it's been stale for just a day?  It's just not quite...right.  That is my life.  If I had a perfect analogy for it, that would be it!  The stale bread!  Haha, oh that's so sick.  Why can't it be Friday already?  I just want to not do anything.  Ever.  I give up.  Can I make that election now?  I raise my hands up and surrender.  Life has taken me as a prisoner.  As I've said many times, I never chose any of this.  Any of it.  It was all just thrust upon me.

The longer I'm alive, the more I search for meaning or relevance in this life.  And I think the true tragedy is that it's all subjective.  You can't possibly have any objective truth, because that's the nature of being human, and us existing as individuals.  Why would Shinji choose that life?  Instrumentality makes much more sense to me, and I hope it does for you too.

Why do we go about life in the way we do?  Everything is a fight or a struggle to survive.  I mean away from the cushy comfort of how most of us live, life is tough for the vast majority of people.  The issue is that we are not exposed to them until they become a threat to our resources.  We have become selfish and self-serving as a result.  We don't deserve what we have, because we live so well at the expense of others.  But nobody really considers that.  Especially not those who live so well.  It's all about acquiring more, and never being happy with what we have.  And I suppose that's mankind's greatest test.  We can't consider the big questions.  Why?  Because there are no answers.  There's only the illusion of the answer we think to be correct.  If we all realised that, we wouldn't go on living, because nothing could be done to fix it.  There's no truth, no righteousness, no justice. 

I shouldn't be concerned about wasting my time.  We are all going to die anyway.  So anything and everything is a waste.

Don't let me have the last word.  It makes me edgy.  Life got a little more interesting, if not a little more complicated a few weeks ago.  I'm doing my best to ensure history doesn't repeat itself.  It would spit in the face of everything I've experienced.  But I also question why I'd bother growing or learning, if there is nothing to show for it?  Shouldn't I just do what I want?  Well, no, because the outcome of that would be bad for everyone.  Was I a bad omen?  For most people I've encountered probably.  This is ridiculously different.  I just feel outdone at every corner.  It's refreshing.  I think I'll just enjoy myself.  Don't get too caught up in things, cause it's making me feel like I'm stupid and inadequate.  Well I guess that's what I am.  It's so difficult to be truthful.  I ask myself, are they smart enough to read between the lines of what I'm saying?  Or did I deliberately make it too difficult to deciper the things I only alluded to?  Nothing lasts forever.  I'm aware of that.  Time will come for all of us.  I come in every morning and shudder to think about how I'm going to pass 10.5 hours.  But I do.  Not through any tenacity on my behalf, but because time will come.  Whether it's fast or slow.  Whether I'm having fun or not, it will just come.  Things change.  We change.  Except me.  All that's really happening is that I'm getting older and edging closer to death.  I shouldn't even have been on this side of life anyway!  This is all just a big mistake.  Only one thing is keeping me going at this point, and it's something that will go away eventually.  So why bother putting any effort into this?  I hope it's not because I think it's something else.  That mistake has already been made.

Not entirely sure if I can blog tomorrow, but I'll try my best.  In fact, the whole weekend may be taken up, but I'll see.  It would be nice to write, but it would be even better to play guitar and see what new stuff I can make. 

You hear some strange news every now and then.  I try to live like a hermit because there's no point getting wrapped up in other people's drama.  But I've come to hear some really weird things.  I recall in High School McAlistair was head over heels with Lex.  They seemed to be cut from the same cloth - regular charlie church's.  I remember it well, because we were on the bus to go home, and I called out to him to get on so that he wouldn't get left behind, but he was talking to her.  He got on and he was really pissed off because obviously he did not want to come!  I had no idea.  Anyway, as they got older, they grew apart.  She married some weird guy, very young (as most religious types tend to do).  I was told by a very reliable source that she was engaging in an affair.  Okay wow.  That's a shock.  I haven't seen her in 8 or so years, but it still shocked me.  There goes my entire perception of this person.  The more you know, eh?

An old friend announced the news she was looking to adopt because she was infertile.  I remember back in college that she was highly desired because of her outstanding natural beauty.  She also became a super religious type over time, and moved overseas to get married.  Then came news of all this stuff.  It's interesting, because I'm always reminded of the term 'bad things happen to good people'.  Well bad things also happen to bad people.  Good things happen to good people.  Good things happen to bad people.  There is no element of causality or of consequence.  It's all random chaos, and dumb luck. 

There is colour out there, I'm just not seeing it, or taking it all in.  I'd rather keep it all here.  It doesn't need to be anywhere else.  I'm slightly disappointed that I didn't hit 200 posts last year.  I'm sorry.  Things just kind of petered out and I couldn't keep up the momentum that needs to be kept up for that kind of output.  But that's ok, I think I got some good stuff down.  Who knows when I'll be able to read over all these posts again?  It won't be for some time, and I'll need a lot of time off to get it done!  Let's just see how this year pans out.  I might just need a month to just sleep.  Maybe I'm not regulating my mood properly.  Need to be more active.

I remember an old story from college, where Lizzy was helping me deal with girlfriend issues.  She told me to ignore her for a few days, and that's what I did.  It was scarily effective, she came crawling back.  Oh my god.  Why did that even work?  It makes me ill every time I think about it.  Why would something like that work?  I've even employed it to accidental effect later in life.  Isn't that messed up?  4.5 hours to go!  Seriously?  Well just like I said, it's going to happen no matter how slow it goes.  Is there some respite in that?  I wonder!  I have no more stories or anecdotes to share with you this day.  And that's a shame, cause I don't know what to do with the rest of my day.

I'm feeling so tired again.  I need time off.  When's the last time you realised you would be doing something?  Do you even recognise it?  Was that the last time you'd ever drink coffee?  Was that the last time you would take the stairs?  Was that the last time you made love?  I guess none of it really matters in the end.  I wish I could wake up and actually focus, but I can't.  It bothers me somewhat that the symptoms fit.  It would be nice not to have this everyday thing.

I can see the places I pass on the way home.  It's not the most direct route, but it's scenic at least.  I can enjoy listening to music on my way home.  It's really only 10 minutes door to door by surprisingly efficient public transport.  Ok damn, with 3 hours or so to go, I may as well attempt to get some pointless busy work done.  It's a weird insight into myself, isn't it?  I love being surprised.  Haha who am I kidding?  I hate it!  I like my own surprises.  They only eventuate after having forgotten something.

Oh my god.  It's just struck me.  I've got a bad feeling about this.  The past few weeks have all been heading to something.  And I think I know what it is now.  It makes sense. 

Ahhh one more day.  Is it D-Day already?  I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Intelligent Troglodytes

Hahaha is such a thing even possible?  I have reached new realms of tiredness and exhaustion.  I woke up this morning and really debated whether I should bother coming in.  I feel like I haven't slept in days.  I look tired.  There are massive rings around my eyes.  My body is here, but this isn't me.  I can't even channel enough effort to acknowledge my own existence, or input any sort of consciousness to what I'm doing.  On top of that, I'm just generally not feeling well.  Can I go home already?  It's 9:30 in the am!  Hahah this isn't good.  I'm kind of hoping it's a quiet day, because I won't be able to do any work if it comes my way. 

Oh man!  Everything is feeling mighty weird.  I shouldn't have come in this morning.  I should have just stayed in bed and slept it off and felt better for tomorrow.  Wouldn't have thought it would come back to haunt me on a Wednesday, but here I am.  I need to be fine for Friday, or it's game over.  Maybe I can catch up on some sleep, that would be ace.  In some ways, I don't want things to change.  But as I've been told, the good things never last.  They always change.  They just have to.  Nothing is constant in the universe.  It is all open to evolution. 

Can I even be honest with myself?  I don't know.  I hope I'm not chasing past stupidity.  Things have to be different.  I think I'm stronger now.  I wish I wasn't, but I am, and that's something I have to live with.  Phew, well that's one headache out of the way.  Time has slowed right down.  It's not going fast enough!! 

Is this all new?  Or is time just really shaped by our perceptions?  I ask because of phenomena like deja vu.  If we have done it all before, it can't be true, because time is linear right?  Well it's meant to be circular.  Otherwise information would have to be destroyed at some point, and I don't think that's the case.  What if the universe was like a bathtub.  Information is being created all the time.  There's stacks of data all over the place, but for balance to remain, and the water not to spill over the edges, it needs to be drained - like with black holes.  Information can be preserved, but it needs to be cycled in order for the system to remain balanced.  Does that make sense to you?  But going back to my earlier point, what if time and deja vu was just a construct of human perception?  Time is really nothing?  That would be so weird.

I really wish I had something good to write about.  It just seems like all is just boring.  I'm feeling a hint of relief, but I'm still totally not with the program.  Is my life so worthless that I could be hit by a truck tomorrow and nothing would change?  Yeah I feel like that's it.  I would just be erased from history.  Maybe that would be appropriate.  I don't think I was supposed to be here in the first place.

I really need to change what I do when I get home.  Too much time is wasted on just doing nothing.  I should be more productive.  I can't believe it's only Wednesday.  I want this week to be over.  This is a life of no meaning or relevance.  I don't think I'm going to ever find it, either.  So why bother?  These are all shallow experiences.  I don't recall the last time I actually felt something.  I think things all the time, but feeling things is entirely different.  Just forgotten.  Cast away into the wind or the ocean.  Here's the 64 thousand dollar question - what am I going to do with the remaining 2 hours I have until this day is over? 

Maybe tomorrow will be better?  But that all depends on me waking up.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Unsustainability Practices

None of this can be kept up.  Sustainability in nature is not a normal thing.  Things need to make way for other things.  Dinosaurs don't exist.  Most organisms that are here now were not around when the Earth was formed.  We evolved and adapted.  We'll exist for a while, but in the grand scheme of things, it will be nothing.  Even the genetic material we are made of cannot re-produce infinitely.  It's just not possible.  We have rapidly consumed the Earth's resources in the short time we have been here.  We have engaged in ritual destruction of each other and the environment ever since we have been around.  So how can we possibly be sustainable?  We have to make way for something else eventually.  It will happen.  Even if we get off the planet and colonise, we won't be the same in time.

I read that by 2016, 1% of humanity will own over 50% of the world's entire wealth.  Is that acceptable to you?  No.  It is self-perpetuating.  They will gradually take more and more, until there is nothing left for the rest of us.  Something has to give.  We can't go on like this.  This is inequality, and it has been spreading like wildfire over these past few decades. 

It feels like I'm rolling the dice every time I get up.  Every time I press the power button.  I still have 2.5 hours to go!  All my work is done.  What ever can I do?  Just be thankful I suppose.  It'll be nice to just let the hours waste away for a little while.  These letters.  They always get me into trouble.  But they're worth it, because at least it's the truth.  Through everything else there's vulnerability. 

It was a terrible month.  Reminiscing can be a dangerous thing.  Because it makes you reflect on who you are, and whether things have actually changed.  Or whether we all just really stay the same, from birth to the grave.  The human brain has evolved into something really strange.  Why do we need emotions?  How does that help us in the evolutionary scheme of things?  The world is just such a strange place.  I am getting too much of it lately.  I've seen too much.  I know too much.  And I'm not doing anything about it.  I could just do with a lie down and some iced tea.  I don't want to think about anything. 

That includes this.

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Sleep Mortified

The important thing is that the message got across.  At least I hope so.  Or the sentiment can just be out there.  That's just as good.  Well for me it is.

What a crazy weekend.  I'm hoping I don't see many more like that.  It's the bitter pill of excited anticipation.  And it's not an anti-climax.  But it's nuts.  It's all so much more beyond me.  On Saturday I came home at 3am, after a ridiculously long night.  Then on Sunday morning I slept at 6am because I was absolutely buzzing.  So of course, come to Monday and I am absolutely laced.  I am tired and passing in and out of consciousness at my desk. 

I've got a little bit to do at work today.  But I'm hoping for a quiet day.  I just want to go home, go to sleep early and forget about this.  God, am I still hungover?  I hope not.  Please let there be no meetings.  I suppose I can run faster and longer when I'm not on stimulants.  Who would have guessed?  Hahaha, not me!  I need a week to recover.  Just gotta wake the hell up.  Man.  What the hell am I saying?  This is all nuts.  I think I may need to stop this one early to save all of us a bit of misery. 

It's 2015?  Holy shit.  Is this a case of who blinks first?  Cause if it is, my eyes are already closed.  Lost before I even began.  Am I just slower now?  Am I getting older?  Or is this just because the gradient is a factor?

I recall the days before my smartphone.  Well the days before any mobile phone really.  People multitask and use the phone as a distraction.  But I didn't have that.  I had nothing.  I would be trapped in the car for hours.  Hours and hours.  Nothing to do to entertain myself except my own mind and my observational skills.  I would people watch and make up dialogue and back stories for people.  So yeah, I have great patience.  I can't get bored.  The phone doesn't enhance anything of that sort for me.

Yes I know what time it is.  Still 90 minutes to go.  At least I have things to keep me busy! 

So busy that the day is done!

Joaquin out.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Negativity Is Like Gravity

I don't have the eyes for this anymore.  Maybe it's more of a concentration and focus issue.  I wonder why?  It's not like I've been doing anything that would deliberately bring my skills down?  Well unless it's a sleep issue.  That would probably explain everything.  How can these keep flowing through?  I used to be so good at this.  Well time can certainly change a person. 

It's not about the reply.  It's more that it was read.  That's the key.  I was reading that negativity bias is a massive indicator for humans.  So that means negative experiences and memories tend to drown out more positive ones, and that informs your psychology and thoughts and behaviours.  Why is this?  We are told to remain positive and upbeat and generally optimistic, but you have even a slight downer and that takes over your entire train of thought.  Is this wired into us from evolution?  It's interesting that evolution and biology could have some sort of psychological impact like that.  Evolutionary biology is a fantastic field of science, and I wish I did more study in this area.  But I'm also excited by the field of nanotechnology!  A lot of fantastic discoveries being made.  But I really hope for a breakthrough in practical application within my lifetime.  That'd be fantastic to see.

Not enough funding is given to science and medicine.  Why is that?  That's the key to our future and our survival and ongoing sustainability, but no government, regardless of political persuasion really focuses on it, and it's a damn shame.  I guess we all helped to dig our own graves.  It's weird to have met someone who has died.  Unless you're extremely unlucky, this will happen to most people in their lives.  When you think back to when you met them, did they realise that the clock was ticking and fast?  I know someone who died just this week, and I last saw them about a month or so ago.  It's weird.  I didn't know the clock was ticking.  I doubt they did either.  They were relatively young.  But the truth is we all have the clock ticking just above our head.  We don't know when zero hour approaches.  Nobody does.  And it will run out for everyone. 

What is even going on?  I'm shocked by it all.  But it's alright.  It's to be expected.  I'm not fazed.  Don't think it's more than it actually is.  That's the folly of humanity.  I know exactly what's going on, at least for once.  Don't be confused.  Don't get confused.  I can't help but think of Jon Bon Jovi's Blaze of Glory!  Shot downnnnnnn!  Oh shit, now I'm worried.  What the hell is going on?  You can put that in any context!  Guaranteed to work a treat.

Negativity is like gravity because it keeps us grounded.  It crushes us.  But I am moving forward.  I make progress.  I can run this.  Yikes, a different zero hour approaches for me.  Why does my body like to betray me?  It acts totally against habit and type.  Well I had a weird experience this morning.  I went for a suburban run and it just felt like my body was not mine.  There is a mind that was mine but it is inhabiting a body that is entirely foreign.  I felt weirdly detached from everything.  It's like I was having an existential crisis!  What the hell is going on?? 

Don't feel, conceal!  I like that, it's applicable to so many of life's challenges and worries.  Just don't care.  Just let it go.  Let everything go.  Just be carried off by the waves and see what happens.  La dee daaa.  I like that!  Hahahaha.  Oh man, I have to prep for this.  I hope it's not life changing.  I was probably getting too comfortable.  I have the ability to make it right. 

Destruction is easier than construction.  I guess that's why we do it so often.  How much have our eyes seen?  How many times have our hearts pumped?  It can't be infinite.  Nothing can be.  That is the way of nature.  That is the way of science.  It all has to end.  Things must change.  They must become something else.  Okay I think I may pass out from tiredness here.  Which is strange, because I slept early last night and slept right until my alarm went off.  This body is falling apart.  It really is all downhill from here, isn't it?? 

I'm not really galvanised in this.  Ahhh, 2 hours to go.  On the upside it's not as long a day as usual, but it's going to be an incredibly long night.  I hope I can stay awake for it all.  If life changes, I may not even be able to blog like this for a long time.  Wow, my motivation has hit an all time low. 

Done and done.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Getting Away From It All

Am I that far removed from my life that I didn't even remember today was a pay day?  Haha that's the worst!  The ONLY reason I come to work is to get paid.  This stuff isn't fulfilling.  I'm not learning anything.  I'm not changing the world. I'm not helping anyone.  I come to collect the money and then go home and continue to waste my life.  It's a fun and vicious cycle!  Yes, I'm forever the cynic.  But that's just how I am.  I morphed into this being over several years.  There's no optimism here.  Just reality.  Nothing but stone cold reality.  It's sick isn't it?  I recall at the end of last year how over everything I was.  Then over the break I was doing my school work.  And it's back to this crap.  It's the same old thing.  Same old thing, really.  Then it's all done.  Your life is over.  Nothing to show for it. 

Is it wrong that I'm nervous?  Is it worse that I'm excited?  I'm concerned it's all going to go belly up.  But maybe that would be all for the best.  At least I will have proof of my own disappointment and failure.  It'll be staring me right in the face.  Maybe that's a sign of growth and maturity?  I can just let it go.  I don't want to be at the creek.  In fact it's kinda scary that these places are all in close proximity. 

I knew it would happen!  Just a bit of time guitaring was all I needed.  Coming up with some new and actually good ideas.  It's about bloody time.  I'm not done.  I'm not licked.  There's still some life left in this old machine.  I can play!  Hepped up on sugar, looking for the next bump for my fix. 

Ahh excellent.  I've returned to a point at which I've finished my work and everything is left with other people to get back to me.  Andddd it's only 10am.  Not good.  What do I do with the rest of the day?

Has the world really become a worse place?  I'm not sure.  It's difficult to tell.  Maybe the news has become more global, so people in the West are finally waking up to the realities of what is happening in the rest of the world, and what they have to live with on a daily basis.  Or maybe the crazy and depressing stories result in the biggest hits, so news outlets tend to focus on them, and people get the wrong impression of the world.  There's never any good news stories is there?

I spoke too soon!!!!!!  Ahh, work busy again.  Let's see if I can get this show on the road.  Ahh it's been weirdly busy.  90 minutes to go until I can get out of here. 

I've got letters to write and I don't want to!  But I've got some time to spare.  I can't wait to go home.  I'm going to make it my goal to go to sleep early.  Hahaha, I sound like a loser, I know, but I think it'll be fantastic.  Too many weekend plans.  I enjoyed myself last time when I just sat at home by myself watching movies.  Now it's all about being social and doing things with people.  I'm not down with that. 

This day isn't moving fast enough!!  35 minutes.  But I've done well to get to this point.  1 down, 1 to go.  That's progress. 

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Bidness & The Business

They are the same thing.  Why would I willingly waste my time on something so frivolous?  I don't even know myself.  Does anyone?  Does this body just act and do things without me really comprehending what's going on around me?  It's like things are just on auto-pilot.  Why doesn't the world engage us?  Why don't we engage with the world?  Are we all that damaged?  Maybe I'm just asking too many questions. 

As usual, didn't get that much sleep last night.  Went to bed late, then woke up early.  What the hell is going on?  It's alright, I got up and I'm with the program. 

It's been a good morning.  Productive.  A stark contrast to yesterday.  But is life better for everyone?  I don't know. 

Are these favours or are they on my own merit?  That question is up in the air.  In more ways than one. 

I'm not even sure where this is heading. 

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Strangeness Multiplied

Somedays you wake up and you're just on top of the world.  Everything you do is fantastic, and everything you touch turns to gold.  This is not one of those days.  It's weird to be having one of these days again.  Then again, it is a Tuesday.  I'm tired, exhausted, and just generally not loving this.  Work is crazy busy, and I'm slowly getting through it.  Is life about to change?  We'll see.  It's a bit too early to change things.

I'd like to get to that point.  A point where I can just write everything off.  Put it down to something else.  That's the problem, we all may assume we play a part in deciding what our futures are.  Fate or free will?  Take your pick.  There's nothing groundbreaking here.  Does life change for other people around me?  Well it depends on your defition of 'around' me.  We will see.  Life has to change for everyone at some point.  Rarely is it ever uniform.  This is why we are all different.

Education.  Ahhh education, you certainly aren't what you used to be.  Not when viewed through this prism.  2.5 hours to go. 

Isn't it strange when you want something to happen so much, and in a roundabout way you get it, but not the way you originally envisaged?  That sort of stuff messes with your mind.  But I really do hope everything is okay.  At least I can sit and focus without any distractions.  Why do we live for the short term?  Why do we look for the light at the end of the tunnel, when you spend the vast majority of your time in the darkness of the tunnel.  And who says the light isn't just a temporary thing?  You could be right back in the tunnel. 

Incompetent managers cause paralysis.  Things do make sense in one way or another.  The next thought you don't get to have.  No.

Crap, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.  Oh shitty days, just go away!

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Grey Days Aplenty

I thought I had dealt with the anxiety.  But it just gives me a false sense of security.  The truth is it always comes back with a vengeance.  When I least suspect it.  It's all knowing, all seeing, all crippling.  It's the end of school.  I mean geographically speaking.  The end of the campus.  The river leads the path.  Near the engineering building, where nothing happens.  It's all quiet and empty.  Then to other places I've only been to a handful of times.  What a weird place.  Strange.  It's cyclical.  This whole life.  We just build over each other.  We just bury our dead on top of the already dead, and the living just live above them.  It's all incredibly odd.  I dread coming to work.  I dread waking up in the morning. 

Doesn't help that I've become lazy.  The mind needs to stop negotiating.  Too bad it's not an automatic process like it once was.  Well perhaps.  Gotta get angry.  Just gotta do it.  From tomorrow.  I can't afford to keep doing this to myself.

I'm not going to force anything.  I'm just trying to calm down, run out the clock.  I'm not up by much, at least not at this point.  No point doing anything to mess up the balance.  Don't panic, it's organic!

Things might be relatively quiet from the blog this week.  I have a fair bit of work to do, due to the incompetence of others.  That's ok.  It's nice to be distracted from the distractions. 

What is life even?  Life hates us.  Maybe not.  It's indifferent to us.  Life didn't ask that we exist.  We just do.  And life does it's best to win in the end.  Life in concert with time.  If there is really nothing on the other side, there is no relevance to anything you do, or anything you achieve.  Humanity itself is fleeting.  Maybe we're even all overdue.  Memories don't need to be cherished.  Lost friendships don't need to be questioned.  It is just what it is.  James, you fatalist!  How could you do this to me?  Hahaha.  Oh man.  How did I even wind up here? 

Man I just want to be done with today!  It's only 10am and I'm throwing in the towel! 

I love sleeping with my fan on.  Even when it's cold at night.  I need the white noise.  RUN.  GET UP AND RUN GODDAMN IT. 

This is taking a far steeper turn than I expected.  And shit just gets busier!!  This is gonna be a nothing week.  Where the hell is this day going?!  I have 90 minutes left.  Gah! 

Joaquin out.

Friday, January 09, 2015

The Problem With Free Speech...


Hahha, that's a joke, but more on that later.  Let me start off with a good old fashioned normal rant.

The vast majority of the world has moved on to electronic banking.  With the exception of setting up accounts, there is really no reason for you to be going into a bank (barring loans).  You can even make complaints online or over the phone.  And nobody even has a cheque book (or a chequing account) anymore.  So tell me why banks are unable to process transfers on weekends?  That makes absolutely no sense to me.  If the process is 'electronic' and you can make a transfer on the weekend, why can't it be processed electronically?  This is annoying, especially when you transfer on weekends, because it's always the next business day.  So if I transferred the money on a Sunday, it won't be approved by my bank until the Monday, and it won't physically transfer to the other bank account until Tuesday.  Isn't that insane?  But they sure as hell take your money out straight away!  Hahaha, of course, they're definitely making sure that's the case.  And if you buy something on weekends, that gets processed straight away so that the vendor receives the cash and it's debited from your account right away.  So why can't that be the case with electronic transfers?  Banks need to lift their game and move into the 21st century!

Distractions are just the worst!  Work and social!  Bah, I need some time off to just sit and think.  Why do people run for recreation?  I understand it for exercise, but recreation?  Get out!  People say they use it to clear their mind, but all I do when I run is think about crap.  I can't even focus on running, if a car pulled out of a driveway or came out on the road behind me, I'm sure that would be the last run I would ever take.

I think what all western governments have done successfully is create a climate of fear.  Not just against the foreign or 'other' but more the environment of anti-intellectualism.  They have trained society to believe that being smart or having different ideas is to be shunned or ridiculed.  People have a driving disgust of people who identify as 'left wing' or are 'high achievers'.  As I've noted many times on this blog, conservative thinking is not a concept to be lauded or condoned.  The status quo is a barrier to a better existence.  You need new ideas, you need fresh ideas.  The world is not going to get better unless you focus on study, research and development.  The world could be a fantastic place, but people are adamant about not listening to intellectuals or academics or artists.  They prefer to have their ideology spoon-fed, force-fed to them by the government, or get lost in frivolous, trivial things like celebrity-obsessionism or sports.  So where is that going to leave us?  I can tell you, absolutely nowhere.

Here's another issue - we are a superficial society.  We don't employ the 'smartest' person.  We employ the person with the right piece of paper, or the one who went to the 'right' school.  Schools don't prepare people to utilise new knowledge.  They train us to pass tests.  After that, you disregard the information you have learned.  It's no longer of relevance to you as a student, or as a person.  I feel like that needs to change, so that education can actually mean something again.

Once upon a time, I was the other guy.  Now, I'm just me.  Maybe God is the unprovable hypothesis?  That's an interesting quandry.  I'm just misinterpreting everything here.  That I can be sure of.

Let's talk about bullies.  Not the ones that hit you.  The ones who say horrible things about you.  The ones who hurt your feelings.  Do you remember how that made you feel?  Think about to those statements from your schooling days, your younger days.  Even if it's happening to you now as teenagers or adults.  Do you remember?  Afterwards, would they ever tell you to just lighten up and get over it?  Or that you're taking it too seriously?

Now I want to talk about this Charlie Hebdo matter.  For those of you living under a rock (or America, where there seems to be a permanent rock above the country, when it comes to news outside of the nation), masked gunmen attacked the HQ of a famous comic-based newspaper in Paris, France.  They killed 12 people and made their escape.  Charlie Hebdo (the name of the paper) is a satirical rag, in the vein of the onion, but focuses on specific skewing of culture and religion.  They famously courted controversy by drawing graphic and most likely insulting depictions of the Islamic prophet Muhammed (or is Mohammed - I don't know what the correct spelling is?).  This is generally regarded as a no no in the religion and cultures that follow that religion.  The staff there seemed to revel in the fact that they annoyed extremists, which is a great thing - but it leads to other unintended consequences, which I'll touch upon later.

After the brutal masscare by the terrorists, a lot of French people and the international Western community have raised the valid point that free speech cannot be silenced, and that killing for these matters is abhorrent (and rightly so).  In response, Charlie Hebdo is going to print more issues, and everyone was in a rush to re-post or reblog or share their cartoons over social media.  A lot of reference was made to the Voltaire quote "i may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it".

But here's the thing - extremists are crazy.  They don't reason.  They don't want to send you well-worded letter in response.  They will freak out, and they will attack you.  Charlie Hebdo (and other media who love pushing these sorts of boundaries) enjoyed this, and pushed the envelope as best they could.  If this was known, why would you want to deliberately incite them?  I wouldn't walk into Harlem with a sandwich board draped on me saying "I hate niggers" (if you caught the Die Hard with a Vengeance reference, you and I need to be friends).  I'm likely to be killed!  Once again, I feel the need to just state that I think racism is stupid and silly and illogical.  I'm not about to walk into a dangerous psyche ward and start taunting people.  Shit-stirrers are given too much credence, they're given too much respect in society.  It's far too lauded.

My wish is that everyone who reblogged or shared those cartoons on social media, should also be re-blogging vile and offensive hate speech that impacts them.  I recall Toby Halligan (who is a brilliant comic and a good comedy writer) speaking up in support of Charlie Hebdo.  I also know that Toby is openly gay.  If he was adamant about this free speech perspective, he should also reblog some of the Westboro Baptist Church's horrific diatribes against homosexual people.  But he wouldn't do that because it would directly impact him, and it would offend him and his friends.  For the record, I have to state for the foolish among you that I am all for equality and equal rights for homosexuals.  The fact that it's pretty much illegal for them to marry in most countries is an abomination and sad indictment on society.  If people are jewish, they should reblog some of the horrific propoganda from World War 2 Nazi Germany.  If they are black, they should reblog comics of the Ku Klux Klan hanging people.  So on, and so forth, you get the picture. If you don't, you are a moral or ideological coward.  You cannot pick and choose which free speech you support or will reblog or share.

It's easy to pick on Islam now because it's the popular whipping boy for these sorts of issues.  Making so much out of the 'other' and the 'clash of civilisations'.  So of course people aren't going to reblog the other stuff.  In fact, the antisemetic and race stuff is covered by discrimination legislation, and anti-hate crime legislation.  So how come there's one maligned demographic that isn't subject to the same protections?  If you wanted free speech to be actually, you know, free, why are there any sorts of protections?  White conservatives are just itching to say 'nigger' without fear.  You know it.

You can't say you support free-speech if you don't also implicitly agree that hate-speech is a valid form of expression.  That's a fact.  You cannot argue with that.  In fact, if you have to say something hateful but want to face no ramifications for it, you should just say your horrible thing and then say #charliehebdo or #jesuischarlie after.  There's your protection.

Youth culture today is all about 'talk shit, get hit' but yet they can't seem to see the irony in reblogging a quote like that, then supporting Charlie Hebdo.  This harks back to The Interview.  It's a film of little to no artistic merit, but it's all about the assassination of the North Korean leader.  Yes, Americans have a laugh at North Korea's expense and so on.  But it could lead to diplomatic tensions.  If there was an American in custody over there, they would most likely be killed.  Just because some people wanted to make a bad film.  But let me turn that on it's head.  What if the North Koreans made a film about assassinating any Western leader?  Yes, imagine the ramifications of that.  And I'm still not entirely convinced the North Koreans were the perpetrators of the Sony leak.

Oh man, some distractions, while very welcoming, really put a dampener on momentum.  Where the fuck was I?! 

These shit-stirrers.  Why can't they just live a quiet life?  You know, have a good happy life, do whatever you want as long as you are not harming anyone else.  Satire has crossed the line into bullying.  In western nations, Islam is in the minority, but has been exposed to the same amount of ridicule as Christianity has.  But not Judaism.  Why, why is that?  It seems that it's socially acceptable to pick on a few religions, and not others.  Satire is deliberately aimed at harming people now.  How?  Let's talk about defamation - a tort.  The general legal definition is to make a statement made by B, which brings person A into the thought of hatred, contempt, or ridicule in the eyes of person C.  Satire has now moved in to a point where it thinks it is welcome to laugh at everything.  Conservatives are annoyed because they don't want to step on eggshells.  Well I'm sorry, but being polite and making a point not to offend people is common courtesy.  Every person is an eggshell.

There is a ridiculous amount of hypocrisy in all of this.  If you support free speech, then people are allowed to say extreme things and believe extreme things.  I am disgusted by hate speech.  Those defending satire but not hate speech don't get it, because they are hypocrites.  But we know that's already a crime in some places.  Say something your government doesn't agree with?  Jail.  Look up something your government may be paranoid about?  Jail.  You catch my drift.  They only support free speech as long as you say things that support the Western, white, Christian hegemony.  Anything else is not welcome.  And yes, I'm aware of the hilarious irony that I don't believe in unchecked free speech, while spouting some very radical ideas here.  But the difference is, what I'm saying is not designed to induce hatred, or designed to offend someone.

Me?  I don't support unchecked free speech.  From the above, you can see that free speech can easily descend into extremism of all kinds.  I believe in qualified free speech.  It harks back to a variation on the Voltaire speech "I will fight to the death your right to say what you want, so long as you don't deliberately set out to hurt others".  This harks back to my eggshell diatribe above.  Everyone is different.  Individuals as distinct from cultures and so on.  You may send out a message, but the meaning of that message is entirely up to that other party.  You can't guarantee anything.  Things won't always be taken as a joke. 

There is also another inherent danger in all of this.  Moderate or borderline lapsed Muslims don't support extremists.  Never have, never will.  The simple fact is that the vast majority of the victims of the war on 'terror' (aka islam to all the right-wingers out there) as well as the victims of terrorism have been poor Muslims.  Indisputable.  So who are the overwhelming victims here?  A few thousand comparatively rich white folk, or millions of others?  That's right, we know what the answer is.  But if you are trying to justify offending something central to their religion in the name of good fun, you won't push them in to extremism, but you will push them to indifference when these sorts of insane attacks happen.  And that's a terrible tragedy.

Wow, that was crazy epic, I wrote well. 

Now, I want you to remember the bully story from earlier.  If you truly believe in free speech, you should have just allowed the bully to keep talking.  That's their right.  If you don't agree, you don't believe in free speech!  It's a joke, you should get over it.  Do you not have any self worth?  A cartoonist shouldn't have to die for a drawing. But just because you can provoke outrage, doesn't mean you should.

Okay I better start doing my best to close this one up.  3 hours until I am done with today.

Can I talk about another issue?  Sarah Ellen!  She's this 16 year old who is famous throughout the world due to social media.  Let me chart her rise - she became famous a few years back when she uploaded a video of her on youtube waving her eyebrows around to music.  News over the country reported on it, because anything over 300 views is considered viral in Australia.  Not just that, but news in this country just consists of infotainment, and young idiots just scour social media and the web for stories to 'entertain' not educate or inform.  But that's a rant I'm sure I've already had. 

In that time, she has uploaded further videos showcasing her quirky but fun sense of humour.  She's now picked up millions of followers, and has made many celebrity friends throughout her travels and promotional ventures, and she's now got a modelling contract.  But when I first saw her eye-brow wiggling video, I knew she would be famous.  Why?  Because of her looks.  You can't deny that she has a ridiculously pretty face.  They market and promote her as a girl next door.  But goddamn, I can tell you I do not know any girls who look like that.  So is her fame a result of her mind, or her physical attributes?  Come on, do I even need to ask the question?  We all know the answer.  She shouldn't have to be sorry for it, she should take all opportunities as they come.  But what message does this send to young girls?  As long as you're pretty and upload photos or videos of yourself to social media, you too can earn a better life?

Alright!  Ahh, what else can I possibly even talk about today?  I still have 2.5 hours to go, so I can't just stop there can I?  I feel like I could write more, but I'm also feeling exhausted.  This has to be one of the biggest posts I've ever done. 

Wow!  This is larger than the size of an undergraduate level university essay. 

Niceness or naivete?  I'm not sure which is which.  I could be the bad influence here! 

Arghh some people are just so incompetent!  I can't believe it, but I should have expected it.  Oh man!  90 minutes?!  I can't do this!  I could just fall asleep right here. 

Is there anything so weird as anyone trying to find another job while they have a job?  It's all about subterfuge and weird behaviour.  Am I burnt out?  I mean not just now, but overall.  Over everything?  I don't know.  I could be.  But there's not really anything I could do about it.  Not now anyway.  It's now down to an hour to go.  I'm still just as clueless as I was at the start of this day.  Or even the start of my life.  But I will resolve to keep an open mind this year. 

Hmmm I'm just going to call it here.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 08, 2015

The Unprovable Hypothesis

What would that even look like?  I mean completely unprovable.  You can't either prove or disprove it.  It's just a grey question lurking out there.  How strange.  Is that a flaw in the scientific method?  Can the system be gamed?

Speaking of gamed, I'm quite sure I'm being played.  But hey, at least I realise it and I can go along.  I'm not really bothered by it.  I've got a few weeks to enjoy the difference, before everything returns to an even more lacklustre normality.  Or is it normalcy?  I don't know.  Maybe both work?

Tips for a better life: be someone else.  Just give it a go.

I look at my work stuff and everything is in the hands of others.  I'm now left out in the lurch.  Or is this just what it is?  That's the problem, trying to reconcile it with what I thought I was capable of?  That's another issue.  I'm too comfortable.  Nothing can be accomplished.  How uneventful.  Sigh.

What's the good life?  James said it was highly subjective.  I completely agree.  Everyone will decide what's a good life for them.  Nobody can define it for you, because they're coming at things from a completely different direction.  What really irks me is this is also the source of conflict.  If people are attempting to live their 'good life' they feel that others are impinging on it and that affects their quality of life, and they will work to destroy other people's good life.  Then the other issue is that some people may believe that the good life is exploitative, and they will do their best to shift people's perceptions so that an objective 'bad life' becomes someone's 'good life' because they are taught to believe that servitude for others is the right thing to do. 

I'm on a roll.  I don't know what it is, but I've been having some fantastic blognote-esque thoughts of late.  I don't know what hit me yesterday.  I just could not sleep at all.  I was in bed a good 2 hours before I finally managed to sleep.  But on the bright side I slept until my alarm went off.  But in that time, I was full of great philosophical thoughts and anxiety!  A winning combination if you ask me.

But on the super awesome side, I got some fantastic guitar practice in.  Yes, I'm still struggling a bit, and there were a lot of bum notes and just weird wrist behaviour, but it was just fun, damn it!  I really enjoyed playing again, and I was still coming up with fresh and new ideas.  Not bad at all.  I've still got the creative streak in me.  It's important not to lose that facet.  In fact, that's probably the most important thing you can have as an artist. 

What really irks me about these areas is that they only promote those who have a wide host of experience.  It doesn't matter if they have been in each of those places for one month, as long as they have a long string of them in their resume.  How can anyone know anything?  How can anyone become an expert in a given area?  It doesn't even create generalists, because they don't have a proper understanding of anything.  And therein lies the root of the problem.

It's a strange feeling isn't it?  Just fucking something up.  Completely and utterly.  Once you realise it, take ownership of it and just live with it, it's almost a cathartic experience.  It's a weird lesson in acceptance.

I'm still pretty messed up with this change to my sleep cycle, so I don't have a lot of energy or motivation to get anything done.  But I still have to!  Okay I better get to it.  Hope I don't screw up.

Nothing but side-eye action over here.  A side-eye on your house!  A side-eye on all your houses!  It's difficult to get any work done in this sort of environment.  I can't get started.  Story of my life.  Story of your lives.

Absolutely smashing it today!  And it's only 10 o'clock!  This is a good and a bad sign.

The pretty youthful reckless.  I like the sound of that.

Rightyo, 3.5 hours to go.  I got this.  I got this.  As I keep telling myself.  Just let these days pass quickly, so I can just sleep this weekend away.  That's all I want.  Well maybe I want more.  But I'm not going to acknowledge that.

Yahoo's news service is awful.  There's no disputing that.  You can't convince me otherwise.  But I do enjoy reading the comics on the US version of the site.  So it really irks me when you can't set the US site as the default, and it keeps trying to send me to the Australian Yahoo7 site in the first instance!!  It doesn't take!  You can't amend the cookies!  Screw youuuu!  This way Yahoo gets double the hits from me.  Shocking.  I just want to laugh at Dilbert and Garfield's antics!  That's it! 

Right here is where dreams go to die.  Let's get this all sorted today.  It's just getting crazier out there.

Nobody involves me in shit.  I guess that's alright.  It's better than not being involved.  There was no spark to begin with.  I'd prefer to be left out of it! 

The most important question to me right now is whether I can make it through the next 2 hours.  But I've hit a wall at the dead-end.  Time dilate me.  I want out of this, or just a breather for a bit.  I want to come back to something else.

90 minutes!  Rarghhh!  I feel like my brain has literally fried in my skull.  It's not a great feeling.

But somewhere there is accomplishment.  Even if it's not mine.  These posts this week have just been insane!  I suppose it's a function of being back at work, and not having blogged in some time.  Hope you're all enjoying it at least.  I can see a heart shaped cloud from here.

Oh man!  I applied for a job, and I was rejected from that job just 21 minutes later!!  Hahaha surely that's gotta be some sort of record?!  Jesus!  A guy's got feelings ya know, hahahahaha.  That's priceless.

Let's call it a day, shall we?

Joaquin out.