The longer I'm alive, the more I search for meaning or relevance in this life. And I think the true tragedy is that it's all subjective. You can't possibly have any objective truth, because that's the nature of being human, and us existing as individuals. Why would Shinji choose that life? Instrumentality makes much more sense to me, and I hope it does for you too.
Why do we go about life in the way we do? Everything is a fight or a struggle to survive. I mean away from the cushy comfort of how most of us live, life is tough for the vast majority of people. The issue is that we are not exposed to them until they become a threat to our resources. We have become selfish and self-serving as a result. We don't deserve what we have, because we live so well at the expense of others. But nobody really considers that. Especially not those who live so well. It's all about acquiring more, and never being happy with what we have. And I suppose that's mankind's greatest test. We can't consider the big questions. Why? Because there are no answers. There's only the illusion of the answer we think to be correct. If we all realised that, we wouldn't go on living, because nothing could be done to fix it. There's no truth, no righteousness, no justice.
I shouldn't be concerned about wasting my time. We are all going to die anyway. So anything and everything is a waste.
Don't let me have the last word. It makes me edgy. Life got a little more interesting, if not a little more complicated a few weeks ago. I'm doing my best to ensure history doesn't repeat itself. It would spit in the face of everything I've experienced. But I also question why I'd bother growing or learning, if there is nothing to show for it? Shouldn't I just do what I want? Well, no, because the outcome of that would be bad for everyone. Was I a bad omen? For most people I've encountered probably. This is ridiculously different. I just feel outdone at every corner. It's refreshing. I think I'll just enjoy myself. Don't get too caught up in things, cause it's making me feel like I'm stupid and inadequate. Well I guess that's what I am. It's so difficult to be truthful. I ask myself, are they smart enough to read between the lines of what I'm saying? Or did I deliberately make it too difficult to deciper the things I only alluded to? Nothing lasts forever. I'm aware of that. Time will come for all of us. I come in every morning and shudder to think about how I'm going to pass 10.5 hours. But I do. Not through any tenacity on my behalf, but because time will come. Whether it's fast or slow. Whether I'm having fun or not, it will just come. Things change. We change. Except me. All that's really happening is that I'm getting older and edging closer to death. I shouldn't even have been on this side of life anyway! This is all just a big mistake. Only one thing is keeping me going at this point, and it's something that will go away eventually. So why bother putting any effort into this? I hope it's not because I think it's something else. That mistake has already been made.
Not entirely sure if I can blog tomorrow, but I'll try my best. In fact, the whole weekend may be taken up, but I'll see. It would be nice to write, but it would be even better to play guitar and see what new stuff I can make.
You hear some strange news every now and then. I try to live like a hermit because there's no point getting wrapped up in other people's drama. But I've come to hear some really weird things. I recall in High School McAlistair was head over heels with Lex. They seemed to be cut from the same cloth - regular charlie church's. I remember it well, because we were on the bus to go home, and I called out to him to get on so that he wouldn't get left behind, but he was talking to her. He got on and he was really pissed off because obviously he did not want to come! I had no idea. Anyway, as they got older, they grew apart. She married some weird guy, very young (as most religious types tend to do). I was told by a very reliable source that she was engaging in an affair. Okay wow. That's a shock. I haven't seen her in 8 or so years, but it still shocked me. There goes my entire perception of this person. The more you know, eh?
An old friend announced the news she was looking to adopt because she was infertile. I remember back in college that she was highly desired because of her outstanding natural beauty. She also became a super religious type over time, and moved overseas to get married. Then came news of all this stuff. It's interesting, because I'm always reminded of the term 'bad things happen to good people'. Well bad things also happen to bad people. Good things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. There is no element of causality or of consequence. It's all random chaos, and dumb luck.
There is colour out there, I'm just not seeing it, or taking it all in. I'd rather keep it all here. It doesn't need to be anywhere else. I'm slightly disappointed that I didn't hit 200 posts last year. I'm sorry. Things just kind of petered out and I couldn't keep up the momentum that needs to be kept up for that kind of output. But that's ok, I think I got some good stuff down. Who knows when I'll be able to read over all these posts again? It won't be for some time, and I'll need a lot of time off to get it done! Let's just see how this year pans out. I might just need a month to just sleep. Maybe I'm not regulating my mood properly. Need to be more active.
I remember an old story from college, where Lizzy was helping me deal with girlfriend issues. She told me to ignore her for a few days, and that's what I did. It was scarily effective, she came crawling back. Oh my god. Why did that even work? It makes me ill every time I think about it. Why would something like that work? I've even employed it to accidental effect later in life. Isn't that messed up? 4.5 hours to go! Seriously? Well just like I said, it's going to happen no matter how slow it goes. Is there some respite in that? I wonder! I have no more stories or anecdotes to share with you this day. And that's a shame, cause I don't know what to do with the rest of my day.
I'm feeling so tired again. I need time off. When's the last time you realised you would be doing something? Do you even recognise it? Was that the last time you'd ever drink coffee? Was that the last time you would take the stairs? Was that the last time you made love? I guess none of it really matters in the end. I wish I could wake up and actually focus, but I can't. It bothers me somewhat that the symptoms fit. It would be nice not to have this everyday thing.
I can see the places I pass on the way home. It's not the most direct route, but it's scenic at least. I can enjoy listening to music on my way home. It's really only 10 minutes door to door by surprisingly efficient public transport. Ok damn, with 3 hours or so to go, I may as well attempt to get some pointless busy work done. It's a weird insight into myself, isn't it? I love being surprised. Haha who am I kidding? I hate it! I like my own surprises. They only eventuate after having forgotten something.
Oh my god. It's just struck me. I've got a bad feeling about this. The past few weeks have all been heading to something. And I think I know what it is now. It makes sense.
Ahhh one more day. Is it D-Day already? I'm done.
Joaquin out.
