Grey Days Aplenty

I thought I had dealt with the anxiety.  But it just gives me a false sense of security.  The truth is it always comes back with a vengeance.  When I least suspect it.  It's all knowing, all seeing, all crippling.  It's the end of school.  I mean geographically speaking.  The end of the campus.  The river leads the path.  Near the engineering building, where nothing happens.  It's all quiet and empty.  Then to other places I've only been to a handful of times.  What a weird place.  Strange.  It's cyclical.  This whole life.  We just build over each other.  We just bury our dead on top of the already dead, and the living just live above them.  It's all incredibly odd.  I dread coming to work.  I dread waking up in the morning. 

Doesn't help that I've become lazy.  The mind needs to stop negotiating.  Too bad it's not an automatic process like it once was.  Well perhaps.  Gotta get angry.  Just gotta do it.  From tomorrow.  I can't afford to keep doing this to myself.

I'm not going to force anything.  I'm just trying to calm down, run out the clock.  I'm not up by much, at least not at this point.  No point doing anything to mess up the balance.  Don't panic, it's organic!

Things might be relatively quiet from the blog this week.  I have a fair bit of work to do, due to the incompetence of others.  That's ok.  It's nice to be distracted from the distractions. 

What is life even?  Life hates us.  Maybe not.  It's indifferent to us.  Life didn't ask that we exist.  We just do.  And life does it's best to win in the end.  Life in concert with time.  If there is really nothing on the other side, there is no relevance to anything you do, or anything you achieve.  Humanity itself is fleeting.  Maybe we're even all overdue.  Memories don't need to be cherished.  Lost friendships don't need to be questioned.  It is just what it is.  James, you fatalist!  How could you do this to me?  Hahaha.  Oh man.  How did I even wind up here? 

Man I just want to be done with today!  It's only 10am and I'm throwing in the towel! 

I love sleeping with my fan on.  Even when it's cold at night.  I need the white noise.  RUN.  GET UP AND RUN GODDAMN IT. 

This is taking a far steeper turn than I expected.  And shit just gets busier!!  This is gonna be a nothing week.  Where the hell is this day going?!  I have 90 minutes left.  Gah! 

Joaquin out.