Crushed Beyond All Doubt

I've gotta get a move on.  There's things happening out there and I need to be a part of it.  But the question is, do I want to?  I could just sleep it off and let it all get away from me.  Had to take a day off yesterday because I was hurting.  For some reason my leg has been killing me for the past few days, and I don't know why.  Yesterday it was unbearable and I couldn't take the pain so I just stayed in bed for most of the day.  I think my preferred sleeping period would be getting to bed at 3-4am, and sleeping right through to 1pm.  That would be perfect if I could do that everyday.  But then there's work, life, obligations.  It's all a great pain isn't it?  Pain, pain, pain.  And they say pain is a phantom of the mind.  But it's always there.  And there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm concerned about going too far, getting too deep into the water.  It's going to drown me.  I've almost drowned before, and the experience was not pleasant.  But this is entirely different.  Is this a situation where the second option is actually really wanted?  That would be the best.  But all good things must come to an end at some point.  Can I not enjoy things as they are for now?  So long as I don't dig myself deeper.  Exercising patience can be a real bitch sometimes.  I don't enjoy the way it makes me feel. And I'm concerned about what it does to other people.  I think about it more than I should.  In fact, it's my only overarching thought that haunts me from morning until night.  Sometimes I can't even sleep, just like last night.  I speak too soon!  I wonder if these feelings and thoughts are reciprocal?  And yet I'm here stuck thinking about the weather.  Just how different life may have been.  I'm the victim of my own choices.  Why?  Because I didn't think about what was at stake.  I wonder what it all could have turned out like?  I don't want to wait, but I have to.  There is a key difference. 

It strikes me as very weird that my life is so caught up in the goings on of a University I did not even attend until I had already become a post-graduate.  It's really strange.  Maybe everything fell into place as it should.  Then why am I left feeling so confused?  I can second guess myself.  That's ok.  I will become my own pariah in this search for truth. 

Crappenfest!  Still have 3 hours until I'm done.  What I'm amazed by was how much I got done while home yesterday.  90 minutes to go!  Ahhh, not going fast enough. 

Growth is a ridiculous thing.  The world is finite.  We can keep growing as a general population, but there's just shit that does not make sense at all.  Take businesses.  Just say you have an idea to sell napkins.  Napkins are made out of paper (mostly), right?  You sell your idea with the idea to expand market share and what not, and gradually have everyone using your products.  But is such a thing possible?  There will be other napkin makers.  At some point, you will reach saturation point, and your product can't grow anymore.  The business can't grow.  So what does that do your stock?  There has to be a point at which the stock would stop growing.  Unless the system is built on permanent cycles where things dip and grow to recover what was lost.  So what's the point?  Not everything can be napkins.  Trees are going to stop growing eventually.  Get what I mean?  There has to be a limit to these things.

I'll call it here.

Joaquin out.