Played On Both Sides

Welcome to 2015.  Not like you needed me to bring you into it.  You're either here or you're not.  That's not dependent on me.  And that's the same with life.  You didn't choose this.  You didn't opt-in.  You just suddenly arrived, and you get no say after that.  We talk about free-will and the power of choice and the freedom to choose, but the fact is, this life is very authoritarian.  You're here or you're not. 

The weirdness of it all gets to me.  There's more to be done.  How can there be no link?  It would be remiss of me to assume I know all, or that I know everyone.  I really want to improve my guitar playing skills this year.  I've been too long without practice or dedication.  I want to get back into it.  I want to be as good as I once was.  My nails are cut, I'm back in the groove.  Hard work and just getting down to it and playing, that's what I need to do.  Listen to new stuff, play new stuff.  It's the only way.

And it comes back to this, am I being played on both sides at once?  I'd hope not!  But I wouldn't put it past anyone.  Maybe it's just latent paranoia.  Ridiculous paranoia.  It's just a weird way to end the year, and an even weirder way to start one.  It's not ideal.  None of it is. 

I can't believe it's 2015.  How insane.  Will it be a better year for all of us?  Here's hoping so.  But that's up to all of us individually.  We need to align mutual interests.  Get the ball rolling. 

Okay, so I was busy for the first 2 hours of work, and now I have nothing to do.  How am I supposed to see out the remainder of the time?  This is just a re-hash of all the older things.  Nothing has changed!  Oh my god, it's all the same, isn't it?? 

It's been too long without blogging, I'm sorry.  But I've just wanted to switch this mind off.  This body off.  Existence, just off.  Off.  Off.  Where is the switch? 

It's too hot for any of this crap.  Can't sleep, couldn't sleep.  At least I tried to make the most of my time.  There are no good friends out there.  This first week is going to be a struggle. 

I've still got 5 hours cooped up here, this is going to be frustrating, but at least I can blog to my heart's content.  It's going to be a good post today. 

This body has taken a beating.  I need to get back to somewhere normal.  I want to feel normal.  Nothing is feeling right.  It's all a bit...indescribable.  Hahahaha oh man, I'm quoting weirdos with a shared delusion here. 

Is anything changing here?  I doubt that it is.  I sincerely doubt it.  So what now?  That's the question.  That's tough.

I feel ill.  All clammy and shit.  This is not right.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Why is this happening?  I didn't ask for this crap.  None of it.  I'm not even paying attention, I'm not focusing.  3 and a half hours.  That's what it comes down to.  I could be doing so much more with that time.  But instead I'll be here fretting.  And not even the good guitar fretting!  I could be using this to learn something. 

I don't want to talk.  It's all about me, myself, and I.  Shouldn't I be doing more for others without even really considering it?  I don't want to rationalise it.  I just want to do it. 

Crap. 2.5 hours now.  Sigh.  Just get me out of here.  I'm not cut out for any of this.  My break wasn't long enough!!  Seems like it's all just a matter of grinning and bearing it for the next few weeks until opportunities open up. 

Let's call it there.

Joaquin out.