Friday, March 30, 2012

Can You Freeze A Soul?

You cannot impact the incorporeal, unless of course it is another incorporeal thing which affects it. Now we're getting into the metaphysical, aren't we?!

A weekend by myself, I'm looking forward to some movies and maybe some games. Heck, maybe I'll even go out for a bike ride. Haven't been on it in yonks. I should go to the gym since I did not go this morning. For some reason, Friday mornings have become incredibly hard.

Why is it that things cannot exist without opposites? In theology, God does not exist without the Devil. But apparently, in the broad spectrum of human existence, the appearance of the Devil or Satan didn't occur until relatively recently. But that brings up other dichotomies, right v wrong etc. But today I want to talk about love and hate. I don't think you can comprehend love without understanding hate. And I'm sad to say it, but I think it is quite true that you cannot love something unless you could also hate it. I've only discovered that with you.

Ah Friday, I just want to sit down in front of the tv and watch good game and drink my vanilla coke. Is that too much to ask for?

Heart of glass, heart of stone - I really hate that you know exactly what to say to me to make me happy, but you also know what to say to me to make me upset. How come you were up so late last night? I worry about you. Because if I don't, who will? I want to be closer to you than family. Is it a bit creepy that I go through your
facebook friends pictures looking for pictures that you are in? Yes of course it is, I'm not totally whacked out on despair that I don't know what I'm doing. I know you have untagged a lot of pictures of yourself, which is probably for the best, since all I do is waste my time on there just staring at you.

I wonder why people place so much stock in photos. We save them first in a fire, but we never stop to actually go through our photos and remember old times. So what's the point?

Time to go shoot some people (in a game)!

Joaquin out.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Sweating Upon Your Sheets

And that was the most nervous, awkward laugh I've ever heard.

I recall that back in high school, my parents became close to a guy who worked in a record store who would give them heavily discounted, if not free CDs for me. It was absolutely nuts, and I amassed a ridiculously huge collection of CDs in no time. In fact, I think I have more CDs than most other people I know. Of course, the physical
CD doesn't mean much anymore, most of it has been ripped on to my hard drive, since I listen to most of my music via MP3 anyway. Haha, those were good days, too bad I'm not down with other such people any more. Needless to say, I don't think that guy worked there for very long!

I'm so glad I was able to fix my computer, I would have felt bad if I had to give my parents a computer that wasn't running very well.

The other and I should be getting together this weekend to jam which should be great. It's been a while since I've played something new, but we all know whose fault that is.

I'm not a fan of honorary degrees. It cheapens the idea of people having done the work to actually have the award conferred on them. And in some cases, people who have left university and become successful in another field will get their original degree conferred to them! What bullshit! Why do we even bother with school? Maybe if I become a famous actor, Harvard will bestow an honorary business degree on me!

Why can't I get over it? I hate being discarded like this, cause it makes me wonder if you were worth it. Why do I keep thinking about something from so long ago? If I never saw you again, maybe it would be easier, cause I could make up my own dreams about what you are doing and how you are much happier.

Anyhow, not much else to say today. Hopefully more tomorrow.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dining On The Finest Meals Cooked By Your Lowliest Slaves

Had to engage in a bit more hard drive tinkering. For anyone out there who is having problems with slow hard drives, you should check whether your IDE controller is running in PIO mode. Sometimes it defaults to this after a number of cyclic redundancy checks, and this will make your comp run super slow. You just need to uninstall the driver and then reset the comp. The driver will re-update automatically and you will run through UDMA mode again, and hello speed! Computer is running like a dream now. Hope my parents can enjoy it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK! It really pisses me off when you don't text me back when I messaged to find out how you are. I know you are bloody online and just ignoring me, you bitch! Haven't you cottoned on to the fact that I care about you? I might just be the only one who loves you for who you are, not the fucked up ideal that they think you are. That false reality that you try to project all the time, yet also try to fight. Why would you do that to me?

Silver Spoons Dig Graves For The Poor

I've always failed to understand the merit of calling menus. For example, if you ring up a company and you get an automated menu saying "press 1 for blah, press 2 for blah" etc, how do they know what you want? It comes down to characterisation of your matter! For example, I just called up an agency about a billing matter under a certain class of service. They talked about the service (option 2), but didn't talk about billing! Does that fall under "other inquiries" or is that meant to be classed as part of the service? Weird system I tell you.

I carry a certain chip on my shoulder relating to wealth and class. Growing up right in the middle of middle class, you don't get what you want most of the time, and you certainly don't have access to the best education or the 'right' people. Thus we undergo the perpetual cycle. People of the 'upper crust' require their egos to be constantly reinforced, and must always have someone else to belittle. Yes, I'm arrogant, but that's well deserved, because I was able to work to get what I wanted. Things in society don't really work on a merit based system (MOST of the time anyway, of course there are exceptions). People who went to uber expensive private schools really piss me off. I don't care what sort of person they are (and that probably says a lot about me), but I will assume that they are just incompetent idiots. Not really being borne out of jealousy, it is more the idea that just because of the school you went to, or how much money your parents had, or just who you know, opportunities will be afforded to you that will not be given to anyone else, even if they are better
suited. How fucked up is that? It really irked me when you would say that you wish you had gone to a better school, so that your life would be different now. I think you have a good life, and you should be happy. I hope you don't look to your fiancee as a point of inspiration, just because he went to one of the most famous schools in
the country. What does it mean anyway? Guys like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, they didn't finish university, they were good at what they did, and they were innovative and passionate. What more do you need?

I love how modern religion has tapered away from what it used to be. Religion should be a good basis to help the poor and needy and coming to understand others. However, it is used as a basis for war and hate, and on top of that, it appears that people who are considered devout are the ones who feel nothing but scorn for the poor and
unfortunate. Ah, the bad rich - as Gregg Alexander once said, God's flying in for your trial.

I don't understand this media obsession with Kate Middleton (No, I will not call her Catherine Middleton)! When she was just Prince William's girlfriend, most people hated her, and wrote her off as a cow. But as soon as the engagement occurred, suddenly the entire world's focus shifted and she became a darling. "It is not titles that honour men, but men that honour titles". Amen, and that's what's wrong with us as whole. People love her just because she is a princess. Pathetic.

Why are women and friends so stange? If women slag off their friends to you, you try to support them, but then they get angry at you for doing just that! Apparently if a woman and her friends are fighting, then you cannot also badmouth the friend, because apparently this reflects poorly on the woman complaining about her friend, in terms of the people she chooses to associate with! Goddamn, you are very complex, silly creatures, aren't you?

That's it for today, take care folks.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Don't Marry Your Mother!

Tuesdays always hit me much worse than Mondays. I can do Mondays off very little sleep on Sunday and still function well. However, no matter how much sleep I get on Monday night, Tuesday hits me like a ton of bricks. And that's what's currently happening to me. I'm sore and just struggling to stay awake at work, and I need to get some things done!

Guitar is going ok, but I'm not really progressing in terms of anything new. I should learn a few more scales and chords just to vary my playing a bit.

My BIOS isn't 100% fixed. After I flashed my BIOS, I still had some issues, where I would get a Blue Screen Of Death, which would only stay up for a split second, before resetting the computer by itself and then not being able to boot up the DMI on re-start. I cleared the DMI through Gigabyte's @BIOS software and things were working ok for a bit, but now I find that the computer is running a lot slower in terms of booting and loading things up. On top of that, I can't do a disk defrag because it always kills my virtual memory and I get the same BSOD. Oh well, at least I'm getting a new computer soon. I'll just take most of my stuff off that original comp and give it to my parents, since they trashed my old computer.

I'm having my own Boys Of Summer moment here, damn you Don Henley, damn you!

I finished Modern Warfare 3: spec ops, which almost killed me. I finished the single player campaign a long time ago, but there was this one particular mission in Spec Ops (the last one - flood the market) which I found impossible. I kept being blasted by the helicopter at the end, but you know what you need to do? At the start of the mission, you can kill a guy who is carrying an RPG, you are supposed to swap your secondary weapon for this and take it with you to the end of the level. Two shots with the RPG and the chopper goes down! Easy enough, right? Haha! It took me a long time to figure this out.

I'm still trying to finish Medieval 2 Total War expansion packs.

Argh! Why do I think about you all the time? I really miss the way you feel in my arms. I suddenly remembered an incident where you had asked me to come to see you and I promised you that I would. I was visiting friends who I had not seen in years on the other side of the city and I was having a great time. I remembered my promise, and I lied to them in order to come to you and spend the night with you. I
don't regret it. I turned my back on everyone for your sake.

The weather has gotten cold recently, and the poor showing that was this summer is starting to become a faded memory. I guess life becomes a faded memory for all of us at some point.

Joaquin out.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Could You Want To Loosen Up?

Matchbox 20 reminds me of Asia. I'd love to tour with them through South East Asia, how awesome would that be? I don't know why, but I hear their songs and I am just reminded of places like Singapore and Malaysia.

Let's take some time to slag off Pete Wentz. I fight back for Patrick Stump, because he cops a lot of flack for being a solo artist with unique and interesting music. All of Fall Out Boy's fanbase - disaffected teen girls are constantly abusing Patrick for being a talented individual and not releasing music that is friendly to Fall Out Boy. The fact is, they find Pete Wentz hot, and they want to marry him and what to see more of him. So what's the issue? Many fans blame Wentz's wife, Ashlee Simpson for the breakdown of Fall Out Boy. I say, hold on, don't blame her, blame Pete Wentz. The guy is a fraud, fall out boy's lyrics were always a crock of shit. The magic lay in Stump's skills as a composer and musician in crafting elaborate melodies and singing them well. Wentz is replaceable, Stump is not. I think Wentz's "alternative" mood was brought about by his loneliness. He was a different sort of guy, so of course girls would shun him. All he ever wanted was a girl like Ashlee Simpson to notice him. Just a pretty blonde idiot trophy wife. So don't blame Ashlee, don't blame Patrick, blame Pete. After all, that was his intention from the start.

Let's talk about race based attraction. I read an article on Sydney Morning Herald this morning about how it is quite pronounced among homosexual men to express a very overt (bordering on, if not qualifying for, racism) non-preference for asians. It then moved to a larger discussion about race based attraction in general. It did
stick to the asian theme though - whether there was a preference for white women not to be with asians due to a perceived lack of hyper masculinity. It's difficult to comment, since I'm not asian. But I don't think I've ever experienced discrimination on the basis of race, considering that I am a minority. I've dated across races, and have found there to be no issues. But I wonder if anyone has ever rejected me on the basis of race? I've been sort of rejected on the basis of faith, but that was more along the idea that she preferred to date someone who was the same religion as her, which is either better or worse, depending on how you look at it. The comments on the Herald are typically borderline retarded, but a lot pointed to the fact that people cannot help who they are attracted to - some people just do it for them, others don't. I agree to an extent, but I think it is silly to go "oh, all asian people don't turn me on". That's being quite closed minded right there. From a personal perspective, I think I am attracted to girls of all races. I'm attracted to beauty, and that's not something that's race specific. Love is a strange thing, so who knows what will work for you? Too much emphasis is placed on looks, but hey, that's evolution. Why would we want to tinker with that?

For some reason, even though I know you do not live there, and in fact he lives closer, it makes me feel a bit happier. Why is that? You don't live with him, but it makes me happy to know that when you do, you are closer to me. That's a bit strange. To think, we were almost living on the same street, right across from each other.

Joaquin out.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Feeling A Little Naughty...

I just flashed my BIOS.

Comp was having a few spack attacks lately. So I decided to flash it and now it all seems to be working fine.

Let me just idle it and see what happens!

Joaquin out.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Tell Me What The Point Is

Cause I'd really like to know.

Is it just to sit in an office 9-5, being bored out of my mind? Earn a few bucks to buy stuff we don't need and then raise a family who can do the same thing and then just die? What sort of life is that? What a strange situation we are placed in as humans.

Tell me, if there is no God, why do we live the lives we do? So artificial with no depth. And if we live just to experience life, why do we bother wasting our time with work and trivial pursuits? In fact, why even bother helping someone? Jeez, I'm sounding like Ayn Rand right here.

Missed my bus again this morning, by mere seconds. Had to wait out in the cold until another one came. But all anger was forgotten as I saw another stupidly beautiful woman on the bus. How come all the buses except my regular one feature such talent? I'm missing out here!

Ahh blogging like a boss this year, but I note, it's something like 72 posts all year and still got nothing to say.

Attractive guys piss me off. Why? Because they get everything they want. They get swooned over, treated better. Nothing is really done on its merits. So where does that leave me? On that same level, attractive girls piss me off too! Why? Because they only want all the guys that they can. I read that women desire to be desired by
many men. But if that's the case, doesn't that put the guy in a really awkward situation, where he realises that he can never have a woman's full respect and desire? I guess I'm becoming the omega, or maybe even a zeta! You factor that in with silly things like the ladder theory and the 'friend zone' and you just wonder if anybody is really happy. Why do women not like guys who are interested in them?
Is that too much trouble? What kind of fucked up evolutionary response is that? It doesn't make sense.

You know I just feel like giving up. Getting away from all this bullshit and just hiding out somewhere by myself. Just fishing and being left alone with this sick mind. I don't even like fishing!

This blog is dealing too much with interpersonal relationships lately! I should have some more intellectual stuff for you another day!

For now, Joaquin out.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Grieving In Granada

I had been feeling good, but then my mind just started going places. Remembering the things you had told me. The secrets you confided in me. Maybe it's all too much to take? Then there was that other stuff, like you telling me just before you left that for a thrill you had posted pictures of yourself on an adult website. I'm just not
sure what to make of it. Am I overthinking things? Or should I just let them go? And I thought all was going well.

I guess I knew when you returned that you were engaged. You didn't have to tell me. But that didn't make the shock any less when I heard. I recall being as sick to the stomach as I was when Les Femme Anomaly told me that she was in love with "Fernando". I saw you working to work when you came back, as you got out of the car when he dropped you off, I should have just put my arms around you and kissed you and seen what happened. I hate him. I want to punch him in the face. Envy him and hate him all at once. I want to fight him and just destroy him as you watch on in horror. Do you love me more? I want to know. Jesus christ! Is that what has become of my life? Will I always be bitter about things? Can I remember her fondly, or will I just return to those feelings? I'll be ok, I told you that, but I don't think I meant it. I should stop posting about you.

MW3 is annoying as hell on the spec ops stages! I keep making it to the last objective (on the last two solo missions) and dying! So I have to fight through another 8-10 minutes of gameplay to get to the same point and then die again! But I shall finish those missions damn it!

Anyway, Joaquin out!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Really Must Admit

That I did enjoy it when she told me she used to date a guitarist and I was a better player than him. Yes, I knew that! Cause I am just that good.

Now to do some research...

"I Want To Change The Future As I Look Into Your Eyes"

Wow! And how very true. Thank you Miami Horror and Kimbra.

What I've noticed over the past few weeks, if not months is that this city is absolutely packed. Out of nowhere, hundreds, if not thousands of people have just come out of nowhere! This is meant to be a city of 350,000+ people. But it feels like we're now living in a city of 450,000-500,000 people basically overnight. This is not good, especially when the infrastructure is not poor in the first place.

The city is packed, buses are packed, roads are packed, the shops are packed. This city was never planned to operate in such a fashion. The city is quite spread out, so it is not like Sydney where you can have isolated packets of businesses and what not. People congregate in a number of areas and that is it. It's not good, and as the
population keeps expanding, things are just going to get much worse.

As you've guessed, I've been going through a pretty introspective time lately. I am quite possessive and jealous. I wonder why such traits are regarded as negative?

I keep hearing Wiz Khalifa's Black and Yellow in my head, but on the chorus, he keeps singing "Sex and Death" - like what the hell?!

Carrying an umbrella on a sunny day, I must look insane!!!

Looking to sell my bike at this point to finance my computer, which should be freaking awesome! Just need to give my parental units my old computer. I had better sell my old school Logitech 5.1 system first!

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Am I Happy?

Ask yourself that question, you may be surprised with the answer.

Dave, ah yes, Dave. Friends with him in college and uni. He just seemed to have it all without really trying. He did exceptionally well in his advanced classes, yet he was a total idiot, and always did well with the ladies as they considered him to be good looking. This did not endear me to him at all. Then he pulled an exceptional grad job straight out of uni, and he travels all the bloody time in his personal life. That bullshit just depresses me. There are just some guys who have it all without the stress of trying, or the possibility of rejection in anything that they do. So what's better? To never have to work for anything in your life? Or to work hard, suffer, and in the end, most likely not appreciate what you have? I read that Clive James preferred to have to work for things. I don't know, I just don't know. I guess it comes down to not worrying about other people. But isn't that just a total lump of bullshit? Life is all about other people. Then why the fuck do we bother with family, friends and love? Those two statements are entirely incompatible. But would you just take it? In Neon Genesis Evangelion (spoiler alert), Shinji had the choice of breaking down the barriers of his individuality, and becoming one with humanity. Isn't that the ideal that's espoused by everyone? Being at one with everything and generally at peace? But he rejects this, he would rather take the pain and potential loneliness of individual existence, if it meant that he could love someone and someone could love him. That still doesn't overcome the fact that others have it easy.

It was a damn busy day at work, so unfortunately, not much to blog about today.

I'm losing my hair, I must be getting older. But that's just genes. Would I be so self obsessed as to worry about it? Why not, others do! Haha.

More to come tomorrow hopefully.

Joaquin out.

Monday, March 19, 2012

It Has Everything To Do With Me

So we did manage to catch up last night and it was a fun and enjoyable time. We spoke about how you have been getting over things, and that you have to convince yourself that we weren't matched. That you need to contrive narratives that mean we aren't perfect for each other. And you know that they're false. You don't need two people exactly alike to fall hopelessly in love with each other. Just talking and moving on. Things will be ok. All it does is remind me why I love you. I can smell your scent on my hands, I feel intoxicated. Just remembering the good times, like after a particularly long night, going to buy things for your garden in places in this city that I haven't been to before. You were uncomfortable with thinking I was bored, but I had a really good time. I do look forward to being your friend. But you say you're stronger than the both of us. Maybe you don't know me at all. You don't know what I'm capable of, really.

It was one hell of a weekend. Very busy, and didn't manage to sleep a lot, but at least I got to watch a few movies. Sideways - which was absolutely phenomenal. I've never seen a movie that has done comedy and drama so seamlessly before. I really enjoyed it, even if a few parts did hit close to home. I also watched Irreversible, which was quite confronting, and I found it difficult to watch. It was well shot, but I don't think I could watch it again. I also watched Towelhead, which was written by Alan Ball, but I found it lacking in true depth. It just seemed like a random collection of events pieced together. I couldn't tell if it was a film about race relations or a coming of age film, it was all a bit muddled somewhere.

I got a bit of experience with the HTC Incredible S over the weekend. It's a great phone, despite its epic size, but I think it is quite difficult to use as just a phone. There's a lot of functionality, and you can see how well iPhones are designed when you compare it to Androids. Good stuff, yes, but difficult to use. I suppose it just takes some getting used to.

Quick one for today because I'm quite tired.

Have a good one folks.

Joaquin out.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

It's kind of hard when the phone doesn't ring

Sitting here waiting to go home. I know I will be seeing you soon and I don't know what's going to happen.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Like Kai: Lite - FUCK

I am just in an absolutely foul mood. Didn't get that job I tried out for, and it was one I was really hoping for. We were all in the same room damn it, and now I'm thinking what did the other person do to get in? What did they have over me? Was it experience? Did I mess up on the psychological testing? Fuck, why is it like this? I'm always near the top, but not at the very top. Am I not good enough? This is brutal for my self-confidence, cause I hate to fail, I seriously cannot stand it. And with that, there goes one of my best laid plans. Now I guess I just have to wing it by ear, and that's going to be incredibly difficult to do.

Work has been alright, at least I've had something to do for the past few days. But of course, I must always find the time to post!

Just staring at the clouds and imagining the shapes taking form into something else and telling me stories.

In the spirit of yesterday's post about actually posting something of merit, I came across this article online today about female rape fantasies (i.e. where a female fantasises about being overpowered and raped). You can check it out here:

link (yes click me)

Having known a few women who have had these sorts of fantasies, it is a very strange situation to be in. However I must take umbrage with parts of the article that seem to indicate that if some of the fantasies were carried out in reality, there wouldn't be too much of an issue if the 'attacker' was attractive. I think that's a bit on
the nose, but is it true? If a guy is held out to be desirable, could he get away with something that someone else could not? That's quite a disturbing thought. At least the article does state that the line between fantasy and reality is one that still exists, and no matter how strongly one holds a fantasy, it shouldn't mean that it should carry over into reality.

The question goes, do males fantasise about female rape (i.e. where they assault a female - sorry to get all hetero on you all)? Now that's a pretty disturbing concept. Surely all guys have at some point? But as I mentioned before, just because it is fantasised about, it doesn't mean it should be acted on, they are very different things. Ahh good ol' deviant behaviour.

Shit, I wonder about those who have had the say over me, in a way that's changed my life. Did they really know what they were deciding? Damn it, what I'd give to in a position to judge them. To just totally let loose and go apeshit mental and slit throats and just massacre them. And I'm losing here, I'm really losing.

So tell me, is there really any merit in living a good, honest life if death is the end of everything? Cause if there is nothing on the other side, why not do the bad thing, get ahead, and get what you want?

For some reason, I wrote down "dress sense, provocative" in my blog notes this morning, but I have no freaking idea what I meant to say about that! The only thing that springs to my mind is that younger girls seem to be dressing a lot more provocatively than I remember when I was the same age (which wasn't all that long ago, mind you)! I don't know why I'm so quick to pass judgement when I don't know these girls - that being said, I have always looked, but not like a lecherous cretin. I always go "wow, I wonder how she can possibly wear that" though on occasions when I have been out with an attractive female and she was worn similar clothing, I've had to admit that I have enjoyed the attention, though I can be certain that the stares
and comments are along the lines of "wow, she's hot, what's she doing with HIM?"

I'm having trouble sleeping these days for some reason. When I get to bed, I can't seem to sleep for at least 2 hours, and then I'm getting up at least an hour before my alarm goes off. This is resulting in about 4 hours sleep tops per night. However, I'm still able to function.

Last night was wigged out by the odd dream I had. For some reason I was friends with Stephanie "Hex" Bendixsen and we had an absolute grand time just playing games. I don't remember what games we played, but they seemed fun and it was like I was having the time of my life. Ok, that's not the strange part. The weird part came later on when I seemed to be on holiday somewhere, or just out to drinks and the personal assistant from work was there. She met some guy there and went off with him then later on there were police everywhere and it turned out that the guy had killed her. Then the odd part: I somehow went back in time with Hex, and we arrived back at the drinks and then I tried to convince the personal assistant to go home early. It seemed to work, and then a few minutes later, I saw her walk off with the same guy, and so I went over and tried to double my efforts to convince her that it was a bad idea (without saying this guy is probably going to kill you). But in the end, she decided she was ok to go with him, and I realised that there was nothing I could do to prevent it. Like it was almost fate or destiny that things had to turn out this way. Maybe a lesson for myself in that? Who knows, but either way, that is just a strange dream.

I'm actually not as short as I think I am. It's just that I slouch a lot. You always told me to stand up straight. I actually measured my height against people I thought were taller than me and discovered that we're the same height. I just need to stand up straight. I really hate your name, I wish I could expunge it and thoughts of you from my memories. That being said, I do go through bouts of regretting ripping up and throwing your letters out. They meant a lot to me. Come closer to me, I want to hold you tightly again. I suppose I should delete those naked pictures of yourself that you sent me. I was shocked that a girl could be so confident to do that.

Anyhow, I'm off for the weekend. Take care.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Rules Of The Game Are Quite Lax

More to post at a later time.

Just a bit busy and annoyed at the moment!

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Riffic & The Chubby Redheads

First thing's first, why is my mouth always bleeding?! I can't go one day without blood coming out of my mouth. I wonder what's going on.

Roachford was a terribly underrated band in Australia. I wonder why that is. Going back to an earlier point, I'm pretty sure Fleetwood Mac reminds me of the Northside of town. Why? Cause I remember seeing The Dance on DVD in the music shop, and it was $13. Why didn't I buy it?! Silly me! Now they closed that store down and the
Northside mall is full of bogan hipsters (yes they exist)!

I guess I'm having my own sort of epiphany that I had better just calm down, or else something bad is going to happen. Just to stop fighting and let life flow through me. Either that or get addicted to drugs. At least I could feel something else that way!

I shouldn't have answered the door all those years ago...

What I don't understand is that you asked me to tend to things on my own because you have no time for me any more. That your opinion of me has changed. That there are too many mixed feelings. It's a shame when what I feel is clear. After all we've been through, don't you think I deserve to know what you think of me? You can't spare me 5 fucking minutes to tell me? Bloody hell, I know you and I can guess that you are busy being bored and don't want anything to do with me. That's why you left, to get away from us, from this situation. But hey, I won't press the point. I'm glad you left. After all, that's what I was hoping for the first time. All I need to do now is just get over it. Bitch bitch bitch. $10 says you are fucking some guy right now who isn't your fiancée.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

500 Days of Y

So we were able to communicate over the long weekend. I think I'll get over it, but in reality I don't particularly want to.

The things I did for her. After a particularly bad fight, I ran from my place to hers in the middle of the night, which was about 4km away. I had never run that far in my life, and I had to run through a particularly bad neighbourhood to get there, but I just made a spur of the moment decision to do it. It was good to see her. Oh the reuniting. That was something else. She had been away overseas for such a long period, and I missed her like I've never missed anything before. And then she came back, and I felt complete when I saw her, I truly did.

We learned so much together, we went and visited places. We soared into the heavens and plunged to the lowest depths. We gave each other gifts of meaning and relevance. God, we even went to the movies as a group, and I held her hand under the seats while she was next to her boyfriend.

Yeah, I'm devastated, there will be no resolution to this. I do miss her. But I suppose it will do me some good to do away with some of the more dangerous obsessive behaviours I have picked up

But I suppose I should really talk about other things. I will steer this ship.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I spent most of the long weekend in bed, or just on the couch doing nothing in particular. I'm kind of just over it. I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm sick, maybe it's psychological, I don't know what's going on. Anyway, enough of the moping. I've had enough of just about everything. Return to normal programming for as long as I can.

Joaquin out.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Cause I Knew

And today you confirmed it for me - it was my fault. And I hurt you so badly. How can I ever make it up? Can I? Or is it my penance or punishment to go without you for the rest of my life?

It really was the worst thing I've ever done. I'd never broken someone's heart before. And now I have, and in that, I broke my own, too.

I'm so sorry.

You shouldn't forgive me.

Joaquin out.


It is the same girl.

Where did it go wrong? Yes, with me. I should have known it.

Friday, March 09, 2012

One Foot In Front Of The Other, stomp stomp stomp.

Cause life goes on, right? Even when I would rather that it didn't.

Sitting here at work bored out of my mind. There's nothing for me to do here. At least with my last work, there was always something to do. I am just at my desk literally doing nothing. It's been like this for two months now. Am I just going to be here until I retire or die? With nothing to offer the world? What a waste.

For some reason, Jonas Brothers - Paranoid makes me feel a lot better. It dulls the pain, and I don't know why.

Was it just about the sex for you? Spontaneous, rough, sensual, sometimes violent, always passionate. But not just that, I could live without that. What I can't live without is our mutual understanding and respect. We got along like a house on fire (quite literally). We wrote letters to each other, we waxed lyrical about intellectual and philosophical issues, as well as matters of the heart. I've never
felt so close to someone before, and now that we're apart, it feels like I'm missing a part of myself. That I'm not really here. I know you and he no longer live there. I hate driving near there, and I keep thinking that I see you in the city, when I know it's impossible. It just makes me so sad. I check the weather where you are now, and I don't know why. I think about you all the time. All the time. I guess
it's a real "boys of summer" type moment.

What of us? What about us? I met her at university. I hated her at first, I found her annoying and tried too hard. We had to work on a group assignment and I at first tried to get her kicked out. When that failed, I hardly spoke to her. Then started the drunk calls and texts to me, and then the e-mails which revealed more to her. Then a few days before my birthday, we were talking and she admitted that she liked me. I told her I knew (it was obvious to me), and said that I had nothing planned for my birthday. She took me out, and without spoiling details, because I'd prefer to keep those memories to myself, it was easily the best night of my life. It was an instant connection, and it played out like a romantic flick.

Soon after, we started writing letters to each other to explain our feelings, and things progressed. Guilt set in quickly due to our situation (she was involved in a long term relationship), and we eventually had a fight. I laid it all out on the table and tried to push her away, but she came back, and thus started our late nights and clandestine meetings and outings. Things were quite physical from the start, but we did not start having sex until much later on, and I'm glad we waited. One November night, I told her that I loved her, and it brought her to tears. It was a very volatile relationship, we fought quite often, but we loved each other intensely. She attempted suicide in front of me one evening, an event which has left me scarred. The choice was mine, I could have pursued her and forced her to break it off with her partner, but I just followed the status quo and she left to go interstate for another job. It lasted just over a year until she left. She left and it hurt. It really hurt. It hurts. It was in so many ways the best and worst year and a bit of my life. I learned so much more about myself, and experienced a lot of other things. I won't forget this, I won't forget her, because it still stings deep. I still love her.

It brought out a lot of dangerous and obsessive behaviour in me. I went past their old place today and was happy to see that he was still there. Isn't that sick? I wonder why he didn't travel today to go and be with her, he has a long weekend ahead. I wonder if he sleeps alone in that bed that I made love to his fiancee on. God, he must hate me. But more on that later.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

The Cold Continuance Of The Day

The weather has turned and the wind has set in again. Life goes on. I don't know how the homeless can cope with this sort of insanity, let alone in the dead of winter in this city.

Dear Stephanie, stop stalking me.

Been getting in generally 30 minutes of MW3 in per day, which is probably just about right. Too much and it becomes a bit anti-climactic. But anyway, some of these missions are just ridiculous, I have been thoroughly enjoying it. I'm actually not too bad it it, especially in MP. I'm about a level 42, but I have been consistently finishing in the top 3, and have slaughtered guys in prestige levels by just playing to the conditions. I'm better now at picking out weapons for the relevant map. Ahh, good times.

Had a very weird dream last night, where I was at the house of one of my college friends, hanging out like we used to, with a number of other college friends and a bunch of people I've never seen before. I miss those days, we would just veg out and watch awful movies and cook food and just generally have a good time. But for some reason, I also had a paintball gun and I was shooting all these random people I
didn't know. I put that down to playing MW3 before bed time, and also watching the paintball episode of Community (season 1) just the other day. What's more, I was insanely good, like I was nailing people from far away and just picking really prime strategic chokepoints and what not. Haha, I can assure you, I've never played MW3 that well! That and I wasn't using akimbo SMGs, ha!

Long weekend coming up, and I am looking forward to getting into some movies. I've got a full hard drive that's just constantly getting more stuff on it, and I just need to cull it down, but after watching stuff of course!

Do I hold out some hope for humanity? I guess so, but what are we really? At our core, are we just good things, or bad things trying to repress our own instinct? Are we merely just mutations from a single cell? So everything else that we hold out to be true is just a lie perpetrated by ourselves, just to make life a bit more bearable? What a world we live in. There could be nothing on the other side. In
fact, there might not even be another side. When you squash that bug, does it go to a better place? If not, what makes it so different from us?

I wonder what happened to T-Man. I haven't heard from him in years, and I don't have a way of contacting him.

My life is settling into an uncomfortable rhythm. So what is this? 50 more years of this? Then it's over? What's the point? When did the lustre fade away? Oh yes, that's right...

I've been playing guitar, but haven't really come up with anything new as of late which is a worrying trend. I wonder if I'm getting worse. But then again, I haven't really been focused on it. Playing is a bit emotionally painful so it feels more like a chore married to torture.

I remember ages ago when the other and I would go to various stores while mallratting and we would just always happen to pass by guitar hero and we would always play the songs we knew how to play on guitar, so it was easy enough on the game. People would watch us and be amazed at us, because we would make out that it was the first time we
were playing!

Fuck! I just put a paperclip through my finger (accidentally)! The end of it actually went in my finger and bent around! I'm bleeding all over the place! What a rush, i have to admit. Just hope I can still play guitar like this. Stupid workplace.

So is it difficult being in love with someone who no longer loves you? I'm sure I'm not alone in saying yes. This hurts all the more because it wasn't always unrequited. I just do not know what she was thinking, and she had to just get away from it all. What about when you don't want it to end? I wrote to her, spilled my heart out on the page. You may be older than me, but we didn't seem mismatched.
Matched a little too well. So I wonder why you turned your back on me? We missed our chance, and I will pine for you until I die. Cause before you, I didn't think I was capable of love, but I found that, and realised what I could be, but only if it was by your side. And now, now I am not. I just sit and wonder at night where the fuck are you in this world of ours? What do you see? What's your day like? But most of all, I wonder why you don't tell me these things anymore. When did I become so meaningless to you? You will probably say that you have nothing to say, but what do you say to the others in your life? One chance, wasted, gone, dusted like that. All my fault. Such romantic notions of love, and being together forever, and yes, I still believe it. Cause if I don't have that, what do I have? You should have killed me. I'd have been much happier. What you do to me. You don't even care. You've become just like him. You loved two men at once. Or did you really love me at all? I guess I'll never know.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Tall White Blonde Haired Blue Eyed

Interesting day today. Sat on a recruitment panel for a role in an area that I don't work in. Interviewed a wide range of people, but it appeared that the other members of the panel seemed interested in skewing favour towards the ladies who fit this profile in today's title. You'd think this would be ok if they had the best answers, but they did not. Some of the others were much better, but I had my ratings drowned out by other members of the panel. Now the picture must be becoming a bit more uncomfortable, and given the fact that the other panel members were women, I was just amazed that things were actually turning out this way. So I guess it is true. The more you fit the stereotype of what beauty is, life is a bit easier for you. Just pretty yourself up before meeting people and they will be amazed at how "well presented you are" and will infer things into your personality that just aren't there. What a world! If only the others knew what happened so they could complain and appeal. But I guess the record won't reflect what actually happened today.

So I've been promoted at work, which doesn't really mean anything. I'll still need to ask for a pay rise!

I want to talk about her. But I just can't. Not today at least. I fear that my life is slowly turning into the lyrics from Missing by Everything But The Girl. And I'm left out in the cold here. Maybe I can write more tomorrow. Yeah, maybe I'd like that. I could do with a few days off. Just to lie down, watch community and forget about life.

Till next time.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

The Day That Failed

So, how long was I holding my breath for?

What a start to today. First, I missed my bus, by mere seconds. I saw it come and leave, and I was just across the street. No, I missed the early bus! It is nice and quiet and quick to the destination, then I had to wait another 12 minutes to get the next available one. Then I get to work, and my computer just decides to have a spack, and my internet and my inbox is not working. Neither is the network. So essentially, I can't do any work! Oh well, that's a shame!

I knew I should have just stayed in bed this morning. Now I have to pick up my parents in a little while and take them home. At least I don't have to be at work for the whole day. Then it's just relaxing at home watching Community until picking up my wife later in the afternoon.

I remember back in uni, when I was able to stay up late (as in physically capable of doing so), that Win (or Nine) played a lot of really good movies after 1am. I remember that in the space of a month they played both "And the Band Played On" as well as "The Twilight of the Golds". I wonder if that stuff still happens anymore? I wouldn't know, I just have too much other crap to do, and I can't really stay
up past 2am, on a really late day. I guess I'm just getting older and this body is in the process of shutting down.

I realised last night, at about 11:40pm that my life had taken the course of the film Serendipity. You know, things fell into place in a way, but I couldn't tell what were signs, or whether I was reading too much into things that weren't there. But then it hit me, at that time that I made the opposite choice to John Trager and I went with the status quo, despite everything that Sara represented. Wow. Just one
word, wow. And that thought kept me awake all night. Let's see where that ends up?

Joaquin out.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Ohhhhhh Yeahhhhhh (Joaquin's Not Quite Day Off)

Rule number 1: don't buy girls phones. Why? I've found that whenever I have done that, the relationship has just broken down straight away. I wonder why that is, haha. Or perhaps don't buy girls nice stuff?

Was able to do some work today, but it's still definitely slim pickings on that front. I'm so bored!! I've finished my Enough Rope transcripts. Oh well, at least that means that I can write some bigger posts for the blog. That's what it's all about.

I really need to cut my nails. They're a bit long at the moment and hampering my awesome guitarness.

More heartbreak later!

Joaquin out.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

The Story Of Y

This utterly infuriating woman. Smart, headstrong, stubborn, insecure. I'm sitting here with my beanie, t-shirt, jumper and jacket and scarf on, but it's thoughts of her that is actually keeping me warm. I know a fair bit about her past, but not enough, because I wanted to know all there was to know about her. Part of me is glad that she's gone, but it is also equal other parts sad that she is. Was she a bad girl? Getting careless with a delicate man? Maybe, and I knew it, but beneath she was all gold.

Maybe it was because how I liked the way we looked together between the sheets? We are matched in so many ways. It's like it was perfect.

Perfect enough to get in the way of her 10 year relationship with her live-in partner. I didn't care. I didn't care how wrong it seemed, or even how wrong it felt at times, because I did feel the guilt. But I loved her. I love her.

It is true, you haven't really been in love until you've felt the urge to just wrap your hands around that person's neck and squeeze for all you're worth. And I didn't think love like this was possible.

From your J.

There's much more to say. Just, not right now.

Joaquin out.

What Am I Here For?

Do you know?

Friday, March 02, 2012

Sleepers In The Fog, And These Feelings Don't Want To Be Found

Since work is utterly boring, I have been spending my time reading transcripts from Enough Rope. Not all of them, but just the ones of interest. That's right, the taxpayer pays me 90k+ a year to be bored and kill my imagination. I was reading Don Burke's interview, and he had this awesome advice "I worked out very quickly at school - if you're a real rebel, be invisible. 'Cause if you stand up to authority
they bash you into line, but if they don't know you're there you can do whatever you want." - Amen. That's something I 100% agree with. Don't believe me? Try it.

Why is Andrew Denton a good interviewer? He is obviously intelligent, and a good listener. Let's not also forget the meticulous research that manages to surprise his guests, but I think there is something else. I think Denton comes across as non-threatening. Isn't he just that guy that all the girls fall into the 'friendship zone' with? People will just tell him things!

I remember back in High School I used to 'date' a girl named Holly. I say 'date' in such a fashion because we didn't really date. I saw her probably 3 times over the space of 3 years. I recall that she used to dance - square dancing (haha yes I am laughing right now), which she was quite keen on. There was a boy called Steven who I had gone to Primary School and High School with. He also square danced. I grew
quite agitated that Holly would never make the time to see me. She was in fact one of those "oh I hate planning, let's just do something off the cuff" sort of girls (yes the ones I hate). So of course, nothing happened! It turned out that she and Steven danced at a few of these things together! That pissed me off to no end, because here was just some annoying guy who all of a sudden was able to see my
girlfriend more than I did. Oh well, she was a bad girl anyway - she ended up cheating on me repeatedly. The issue is that it was a relationship I gained and learned nothing from. I only carry scars. But if I was able to go back in time and try to stop myself from getting into that relationship to spare myself wasted time and heartache, I don't think the younger me would listen, and that is just incredibly sad.

Goddamn, I really need to stop sending myself my blognotes through Gmail. At night times I try to recover them so I can post them here (since I'm obviously not going to do that at work), and I see your name on google chat. Fuck. I hate seeing your name online. I feel so pressured to talk to you and entertain you, since you think I'm
such a bore. Sorry I can't live up to the premise of your action man boyfriend, who has the all fucking personality of a cardboard box, mind you. Well I apologise if life is just like that sometimes. From my desk, I turn my head to the left and I can see the apartment we spent a few hours at all that time ago. In fact I can see into the room where we cooked together and made angry love in that bed. It's all a bit disconcerting that I can see it from where I am almost everyday. The problem was we just couldn't stay there. I didn't want to leave. But we had to. You had to go home. So did I.

And that's just how it is.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Life Is...Torture

You're My Lover, Not My Rival, at least that's what I keep telling myself - everyday is like survival. Props to Culture Club for that one.

It's my own personal crying game or sophie's choice!

Kaci Brown - a name you probably won't remember. A singer from the early 2000's with a forgettable song - unbelieveable. Having said that though, the piano line in the verse is spectacular. It's probably one of the best piano lines I've ever heard. It's like it contains its own counter melodies, despite it being on the same instrument.

I wonder what death feels like? The actual moment you know? Does it feel like anything?

Am I bitter? Yes, perhaps. All this sexual frustration and feelings of isolation and resentment.

In the game of love, why does persistence need to be a factor? Do women just give up? There's loads of implications if that's just the case. But I find it to be bullshit. Why is it needed? If you like someone, why not just go for it? No games, I hate games! If you had your opinion wrong the first time and needed to 'open your eyes' and see what was going on, you are an idiot.

Deep Spring Orange Lemon & Lime was my High School drink. It reminded me of Stephanie. I crushed on her for a number of years, and she did not even know my name. We didn't even go to the same school. I really hate seeing her around town these days. And I'm starting to dislike the drink because of that.

Grr I'm just pissed off now!
Why?! I don't even know, goddamn it!

Joaquin out.