Like Kai: Lite - FUCK

I am just in an absolutely foul mood. Didn't get that job I tried out for, and it was one I was really hoping for. We were all in the same room damn it, and now I'm thinking what did the other person do to get in? What did they have over me? Was it experience? Did I mess up on the psychological testing? Fuck, why is it like this? I'm always near the top, but not at the very top. Am I not good enough? This is brutal for my self-confidence, cause I hate to fail, I seriously cannot stand it. And with that, there goes one of my best laid plans. Now I guess I just have to wing it by ear, and that's going to be incredibly difficult to do.

Work has been alright, at least I've had something to do for the past few days. But of course, I must always find the time to post!

Just staring at the clouds and imagining the shapes taking form into something else and telling me stories.

In the spirit of yesterday's post about actually posting something of merit, I came across this article online today about female rape fantasies (i.e. where a female fantasises about being overpowered and raped). You can check it out here:

link (yes click me)

Having known a few women who have had these sorts of fantasies, it is a very strange situation to be in. However I must take umbrage with parts of the article that seem to indicate that if some of the fantasies were carried out in reality, there wouldn't be too much of an issue if the 'attacker' was attractive. I think that's a bit on
the nose, but is it true? If a guy is held out to be desirable, could he get away with something that someone else could not? That's quite a disturbing thought. At least the article does state that the line between fantasy and reality is one that still exists, and no matter how strongly one holds a fantasy, it shouldn't mean that it should carry over into reality.

The question goes, do males fantasise about female rape (i.e. where they assault a female - sorry to get all hetero on you all)? Now that's a pretty disturbing concept. Surely all guys have at some point? But as I mentioned before, just because it is fantasised about, it doesn't mean it should be acted on, they are very different things. Ahh good ol' deviant behaviour.

Shit, I wonder about those who have had the say over me, in a way that's changed my life. Did they really know what they were deciding? Damn it, what I'd give to in a position to judge them. To just totally let loose and go apeshit mental and slit throats and just massacre them. And I'm losing here, I'm really losing.


So tell me, is there really any merit in living a good, honest life if death is the end of everything? Cause if there is nothing on the other side, why not do the bad thing, get ahead, and get what you want?

For some reason, I wrote down "dress sense, provocative" in my blog notes this morning, but I have no freaking idea what I meant to say about that! The only thing that springs to my mind is that younger girls seem to be dressing a lot more provocatively than I remember when I was the same age (which wasn't all that long ago, mind you)! I don't know why I'm so quick to pass judgement when I don't know these girls - that being said, I have always looked, but not like a lecherous cretin. I always go "wow, I wonder how she can possibly wear that" though on occasions when I have been out with an attractive female and she was worn similar clothing, I've had to admit that I have enjoyed the attention, though I can be certain that the stares
and comments are along the lines of "wow, she's hot, what's she doing with HIM?"

I'm having trouble sleeping these days for some reason. When I get to bed, I can't seem to sleep for at least 2 hours, and then I'm getting up at least an hour before my alarm goes off. This is resulting in about 4 hours sleep tops per night. However, I'm still able to function.

Last night was wigged out by the odd dream I had. For some reason I was friends with Stephanie "Hex" Bendixsen and we had an absolute grand time just playing games. I don't remember what games we played, but they seemed fun and it was like I was having the time of my life. Ok, that's not the strange part. The weird part came later on when I seemed to be on holiday somewhere, or just out to drinks and the personal assistant from work was there. She met some guy there and went off with him then later on there were police everywhere and it turned out that the guy had killed her. Then the odd part: I somehow went back in time with Hex, and we arrived back at the drinks and then I tried to convince the personal assistant to go home early. It seemed to work, and then a few minutes later, I saw her walk off with the same guy, and so I went over and tried to double my efforts to convince her that it was a bad idea (without saying this guy is probably going to kill you). But in the end, she decided she was ok to go with him, and I realised that there was nothing I could do to prevent it. Like it was almost fate or destiny that things had to turn out this way. Maybe a lesson for myself in that? Who knows, but either way, that is just a strange dream.


I'm actually not as short as I think I am. It's just that I slouch a lot. You always told me to stand up straight. I actually measured my height against people I thought were taller than me and discovered that we're the same height. I just need to stand up straight. I really hate your name, I wish I could expunge it and thoughts of you from my memories. That being said, I do go through bouts of regretting ripping up and throwing your letters out. They meant a lot to me. Come closer to me, I want to hold you tightly again. I suppose I should delete those naked pictures of yourself that you sent me. I was shocked that a girl could be so confident to do that.


Anyhow, I'm off for the weekend. Take care.

Joaquin out.