Sunday, December 29, 2013

Destitute & Over

It hit me the other day.  It's over.  All of it is over.

There's no hope.  No hope at all.  This is random.  There is no reality.  It is whatever it is.

Just a random collection of things.

You are irrelevant.

I am irrelevant.

We will be forgotten.

It is all for nought.

Zero sum games.

There is only pointlessness.


No answers, only questions.

I can drag myself back to the surface.  But only to take a breath.

The next time, I won't be coming back up.

Joaquin out.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Plentiful Spentiful

Yes, so the internet is not working and it won't be fixed until the 27th of December. So that means I've had no real internet since the 3rd of this month. Thanks Telstra, you are utter failures. I hope employers out there recognise that having Telstra on the resume of a potential employee is nothing but a hindrance, and is absolute cause to realise that the person does not believe in good service and may be unskilled in their area of work. People should not invest in this company, and consumers should not waste their time getting their telephony services from them. Your money is better spent on other service providers, and they will inevitably have better service.

So I have not been doing a whole not during this internet down time period. Just reading and playing guitar and lounging about watching movies. It's been good. I think I've explained before that I don't mind not having internet. What annoys me is the horrible customer service I've had to put up with from Telstra, and paying for services (internet, landline) that I can't access cause they have ridiculously long turnaround times to fix their own infrastructure. On top of that I've blown my entire call quota for my mobile for the month on calling these people because I've spent exponentially longer on hold with Telstra each time I've called. That I don't particularly like, and need to rail against.

The other is overseas and enjoying his time I think, despite losing his iPad to robbers - I'm not even joking! What a crazy world we live in. Sorry for the lack of posting on Friday. It was insanely busy at work and I just didn't have the time to put any thoughts down. It's a shame, cause I'm sure I had things to say. But of course I have stacks of work to get through, and I only have today and tomorrow to get a lot of it done. And it doesn't help that the last day of work is also usually only ever a half day. I miss my old job, where I had pretty much an entire month off over December. Now I only get a week! Terrible. Ahhh.

What is this? I don't know. I'm feeling so very tired. There's the term 'giving up the ghost' and I feel like I'm about to do that. Reality is the dream. It's not quite what you expect, is it? There's just a lot that doesn't make sense. But there are others that do. Hmmmmmm. There's meaning in it all. But I don't even speak the same language. Ok I better attempt to at least get some work done. I could just sleep right here. I can't breathe. I can't move.

It's only 10am?! How slow is this day going?! But I guess it's all for the best. I'm just not sleeping anymore. I need to properly rest and recuperate. That's all I want right now, nothing else. That's my christmas wish. Ahhh, such is the commodification of Christmas, that people spend absolutely all their money on other people in December, often at times with little left over for necessities that they require. That's just not right.

I'm slowly getting through the day. Still got about 3 and a half hours until I'm done, though. I don't know what else to say right now. Need to make more time for guitaring and reading. Those should be my top 2 priorities, ever. Bah! Still 2.5 hours to go! Is time slowing down?! I just wanna be done with this whole thing!

Things have been moving, but not very quickly. I think I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

What Is Human Nature?

I mean, what is it really at its core? Is there a shared experience? Or is the only thing that keeps it uniform the idea that it's all down to the individual? What are we at our core? Ruled by instinct or desire? Nature? Is there free will? Or is everything really pre-determined? If that's the case, doesn't that take the element of whether we're good or bad out of the equation? But that also means any praise or punishment is already pre-ordained. But if you were going to rebel against that sort of system, doesn't that also mean you were always going to do that?

What I don't get is social media sites e-mailing you to let you know that there have been new posts. Of course there has, it's social media, it never stops!! It's just pointless to e-mail people!! Stop doing it.

Ahh, it seems like it's just going to be one of those days. I have a bit of work to do, but I have no motivation. At least it's Thursday and I get paid. I'll get to it later on in the day. It's meant to be hot outside, but I'm spending all my time indoors today in lovely air-conditioned comfort thank you. It's funny, in order to stay out of the sun we have all these things that cause CFCs that get released into the environment and cause even more global warming, hence we need to use even more energy to stay cool. What I don't like is idiots who claim in winter (because it gets colder than normal) that global warming doesn't exist. It should be more accurately described as climate change. Because we are getting hotter temperatures and colder temperatures when they're expected, and at times when it's unexpected.

Things are definitely looking up guitar wise. I keep consolidating ideas to expand scant concepts and create a fuller song. One my favourite tracks has all these fantastic chords and melodies, and I finally added a bridge to it. I'm very proud of myself. Gotta keep going with it!

What is it about creativity that gives things artistic merit? I mean divorcing that stuff from academic pursuits, are there infinite ideas out there? Can we as a society have ever created everything? Or is everything just a variation on a few ideas (mirroring the other's view that there's only 6 original ideas in Hollywood, and everything is just a variation on that)? I'm going to read tonight! Even if only for just a little bit. There's just so much about physics I don't know! Well science in general. I want to just sit out of life for a year and wrap my head around things in my own time. I want to understand the universe.

What's it like to see those sights again? What does it to you? It's almost like a reminiscing but in a negative sense. Like a bad memory. But I'm there, I'm there, aren't I? Silly TV. It's funny how tastes can change, even in a matter of moments. Maybe it's just me who is fickle. No, that can't be the case. Not as fickle as some.

The song keeps repeating in my head. These things can't be happening. It wipes away my existence. Because I willed it. I'm here, aren't I? But not where I should be, not where I need to be.

All life really is the product of atoms being aware of itself. Everything else isn't aware of what it is. They just are, they just exist. We are born and atoms come together to form us and we realise what we are. Then we die and we just exist again, as something else. We just don't know it. I'm just coming to all these revalations! But my laziness is a real killer. Ahh, 3 hours to go? I can do this!

Isn't it amazing when you think about the size and scale of things like the Earth in relation to the Milky Way galaxy, we all seem so small? And that's nuts, considering when you walk into a big field or a big house and you feel the same feeling. Are we relevant to the universe? Or can we only draw our own meaning and interpretation from our experiences?

Loss and impermenance. Why do we cry? Nothing stays the same. There is no static universe. Things are always in a state of flux. No matter how we try to cling on to something permanent, that can never be the case. But remember, if that's the case, even loss itself is impermanent. It's inevitable. What can you do? What can we do? There's nothing. And all this thinking, all this meditating is doing nothing to put my mind at ease. This friction, this tension has to stop at some point.

My back seriously hurts! Ahhhh! But at least it's just under an hour until I can get out of here. This has been a weird, metaphysical post. But I enjoy it. I've enjoyed the posts this year, actually. I think there's a lot more emotional content compared to the previous year, but they're required.

I'm done for the day. Le sigh, at least tomorrow is Friday.

Great. Now the Internet at home is having the same problem as before. Fuck you, Telstra. I hope all your staff are brutally murdered. This is bullshit.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Bonds That Keep It Together Are Falling Apart

My body is on the verge of collapse.  Everything hurts, I'm tired and to top it all off, my pants are really tight!!  I guess all that indulgence on the weekend caught up to me.  But I guess it's only been 3 days since I've returned to the gym.  It'll be a full 6 days by the weekend though!  I'll make it, I'll make it damn it.  My feet really hurt, probably from the way I sit at home.  It feels like early onset arthritis, which isn't good.  There's just no time for anything at home anymore.  I'm not reading, and I'm not playing enough guitar.  What happened?!  Just the other week I was getting through everything and I was still able to sleep by 11pm.  Now I'm sleeping later despite not having enough time for recreational stuff.  Something just doesn't add up!  I feel like the very fabric that comprises me is letting go and I'm being absorbed into everything around me.  Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Is this self-censorship?  There's a lot of questions to be asked.  Or maybe some are aware at the expense of others.  Where's the freedom of thought in all of this?  Many mysteries still remain.  What is this time to be used for?  It's unknown, and it's a microscosm of life.  You either go for it or you don't.  There's either a bunch of lies underneath all the intrigue because some things don't make sense.  In the absence of further information, you can't draw accurate conclusions.  And I feel like some things are far more difficult than others.  What is the value of a hunch, a gut feeling? 

Isn't it interesting how people fall out of touch with each other?  I'm starting to think it's an inevitability of life.  If that's the case, why bother with friendships?  They are all transient, just like life.  So essentially you're just making do with the people you have right in front of you.  But you can't have deep relations then, everything becomes superficial.  So what's the point?  Am I on the cusp of the traditional 7 year roll over?  As I've explained before, social groups tend to change every 7 years and your revolving door of friends tend to change.  That shouldn't be the case if people really cared about friendships.  And there's my point, people tend to value sexual relationships over other kinds of relationships, no matter how fulfilling they may be.  And I guess that speaks volumes about who we are as people and as a society.  But hey, you can't fight biology, right?  These bonds used to mean something, but I guess it all changes in the face of time.  The fourth dimension, making fools of us all.  Why does it happen?  Do people just change?  Whatever.

So a US court has come out and bravely labelled this silly NSA phone tapping and data collection thing as unconstitutional.  Well great, we always knew that.  The issue is that through executive orders and the general state of panic and fear with American foreign policy and domestic terrorism policy is that they can subvert the laws.  They don't care what the laws are.  As long as they can justify that there is a perceived threat, no matter how unlikely, they will use their powers in an illegal fashion.  They have shown the capacity to lie to congress, so do you think courts stepping up to call them out is going to stop them?  Of course not, they will just continue on, and with probably even crazier things.  What I don't understand is why Edward Snowden and the Guardian are drip feeding the leaks to us.  They shouldn't piecemeal them, they should release everything in a batch, or have things out every single day.  It would be much harder hitting, because at the moment it appears that everything seems second hand. 

For the life of me, I'll never understand discrimination.  Why do humans discriminate against each other on the basis of things like gender, race, religion, money, and so on?  It makes no sense.  It is clear that for a species to thrive, it has to work together in a concerted community type manner.  But humans don't do that, they like to label and stay away from others they deem as not the same as them.  And animals don't have animal created problems like poverty and what not that pose as obstacles to their survival!  What I find deplorable is that people tend to view others who are different to them as less than human.  They will watch scenes of war on tv and not care as long as it's in a foreign land and the victims look ethnic to them.  But you show a picture of a starving dog and I assure you, the switch for the tv channel will be lit up with people wanting to adopt the dog and do everything to make sure it's ok.  That's just not right.

I can't believe it's Wednesday.  It feels like a Thursday.  It's a busy day, that's for sure.  In other exciting news, I believe I have some updates to make to the Joaquin Rate List (JRL)!  Yes, the hotties just keep coming, and the list expands (and in other ways, names get deleted due to lack of infamy).  For those not in the know, it was my attempt at trying to keep a definitive list of the ladies I find attractive in the public sphere.  You can check out the list HERE.  I think I'll try and give it an upgrade when I get a good late night free.  I'll probably put up a pic next to each name to make people easier to identify. 

Two hours to go until I'm out of here, and it's been a quick one.

I think I'm done for the day and I still got a lot more work to get through, so I'll end it here.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

These Days Are Like The Rest

It's strange having the internet again.  I'm not really getting back into the swing of things and that's alright.  I prefer just relaxing and not doing very much when I'm at home.  Shamefully I haven't really gotten back into my novel (Blood Meridian) and that's terrible considering I didn't do a whole lot on the weekend.  If you're not reading at least 10 minutes worth of your book per day, you're pretty much a failure at life.  Cause I'm reading this stuff in huge chunks, often weeks apart and I have completely forgotten what has happened before.

I'm concerned about offshoots of this new wave of feminism.  Feminism is good - there's a lot of inequality and it needs to be addressed in terms of gender relations.  But within this subgroup there's this group of angry white girls who consider that everything can be blamed on patriarchy.  That sort of thinking is not useful because it is really just an excuse to get angry and blame real (and imagined) problems on a root cause that simply isn't relevant.  How are you going to draw people to your cause if you keep blaming them for those issues?  You can't stop the guns if you're like a machine gun blindly firing at everything in your path, can you?  There are other reasons, there are other causes.

Is this all just a pattern?  Sigh, it's Tuesday today.  At least it's just a work week until I'm out of here.  Ahh just sitting here trying to decide whether to start doing the second project I had in mind.  Yeah I'll get to it, it doesn't hurt to evenly divy up your work so you're not bored.

Is there anything to report?  Well not really.  Everything is just an anomaly in my life.  Even sleep is an ordeal.  It's just too hot to sleep properly and everything is restless and I wake up feeling awful. 

What the hell am I doing?  This is not what I want to do.  But much like Revolutionary Road and It's A Wonderful Life, things get away from you.  It's the panacea for the dreams of anyone.  You have to fight it every day of your life.  But the question is how and when?  That's key. 

I've got the t-rex vision!  I can only see if there's motion.  What's it like from the outside looking in? 

Are we seeing a drop of activity on this blog?  The numbers seem down within the last week or so.  I'm not that concerned, I write for me, and anyone who wants to read is welcome to. 

What I've come to realise is that you have good days and bad days.  Some days you can just do everything.  But other days it seems like the universe is against you.  There's nothing you can do about it, despite all the preparation in the world.  So just grin and bear it I say.  The problem with taking breaks early is that it leaves you with far more time to get through the day until you can actually leave.  I have 3 hours to go! 

You know what I find disturbing?  Girls who are close to their fathers.  There's a big thing about boys not being close to their mothers in case they turn out to be 'mummy's boys' or something of the sort.  Essentially where nobody can compare, and you (as a partner) feel like you're living in that sort of shadow for your entire life.  So if that's the case, why are girls encouraged to have strong relationships with their fathers?  It seems like a double standard, cause as a guy it seems really odd.  A girl saying her father is her first love, and that other guys have to fight to even get a place in her heart.  That's some weird pseudo/psycho-sexual stuff going on there.  I guess that's why the girls with daddy issues tend to not be able to form lasting relationships and have emotional problems? 

I think that's really all I can comment on for today, I better get some work done.  And I only have 2 hours to go until I'm out of here, oh crap!

Joaquin out.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Debauched And Struggling

It was a strange set of circumstances.  Skipped the gym on Friday and Saturday because I was just over it.  Just over everything.  I was exhausted and just not feeling it.  I'm still in that sort of mindset.  Probably doesn't help that I returned to the gym this morning and I was on the verge of collapse after a weekend of excess.  Pigged out, drank too much and just stayed on the couch and also just slept.  But I'll make a return to full fitness this week.  6 days of gym in a row, like the usual days!  I can do this!  Watched some good films, and some not so good films.  On Saturday watched Spring Breakers and Arbitrage.  Spring Breakers was a combination of good and bad.  There were some great moments of pathos and some well directed shots.  But overall I felt it was exploitative and it was let down by an atrocious ending that was not believable at all.  However, James Franco was nothing short of amazing.  I'm shocked that he had that in him!  But overall, I felt let down because of the last act.  Arbitrage was absolutely amazing.  A slow burning thriller with tension throughout, it was stellar.  Richard Gere's performance of a lifetime, that's for sure.  Last night finally watched Heat, which I have put off for several months now.  Absolutely stellar.  It's irrelevant that De Niro and Pacino share so little screen time, you can tell that they're hunter and prey the entire time, and there's significant tension.  All characters are given in-depth backstories and everything was just so well shot.  One of the best films I've ever seen.  Then I finally watched Gone in 60 Seconds.  I've seen bits and pieces, but never watched the whole thing.  It wasn't very good.

The other week I watched Valkyrie, which was incredibly good.  It's a fast paced thriller with real life thrown in (it focuses on the assassination attempt on Hitler and the subsequent takeover of Germany from within).  Wow, just wow.  It was a fantastic film, and every shot has you panicking as you try to understand the intentions of the characters and wondering how they could have pulled it off, to its chilling, inevitable conclusion.

What a strange weekend though.  It was almost insane.  Where does it all go?  Where does it all wind up?  Could there be meaning behind anything?  I'm not who I could be.  And should that make me upset?  Possibly.  I am who I am.  Maybe there's room to move.  Let's see.  That involves a lot of assumptions.  Just let the gates open and flood us all in.

The light is too much.  It's destroying my looks!  Maybe I'm just too tired.  Bring me back to the darkness.  It's where I belong.  Hahaha, somewhere I hear Bane saying "You think Darkness is your ally?!"

There was a fantastic comment made on shortformblog (SFB) where they picked up someone saying in relation to Mandela's death that he was formerly regarded as a terrorist, but is now revered around the world.  But look at crackdowns on oppressed people now - you have torture, secret prisons, no fly lists.  How can people be expected to thrive or to change popular opinion now?  It's not a fair world.  It's a much more sinister place than it used to be.  The person said today's Mandela is probably locked up in one of those places, just languishing.  Food for thought.

As always, I'm getting through work slowly.  Not that I want to, I wish I'd finished one of my 2 projects but I'm procrastinating so hard lately.  You know I've lost the motivation to involve myself in this kind of thing.  It should be poured into other stuff.  Stuff like guitar - speaking of, I put down a bridge to one of my songs!  Yeah!  That's the thing, you just gotta stick with it and keep going and new things will reveal themselves to you.  You can finish songs just through sheer perseverance.  If only I put some effort into lyric writing.  It's just a week and a day until I'm on a week and a day break!  Hahaha not bad is it?  Nice equilibrium there.

Work is done for the day, but I still have 2 hours until I can get out of here.  What else can I possibly do?!  I would be keen to buy a console like a PS3 now that the PS4 has come out.  But I don't really have anywhere to play, nor the time to play any games.  I've got stuff on PC that I haven't even started despite paying premium prices when the games came out.  What a waste! 

I've got nothing to do!  What to do with these 90 minutes just being wasted?  It takes practice and hard work and dedication.

I'm done for the day.

Joaquin out.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Static Stillness

Breaking the day and making the waves.  Damn, this day has just gone by so fast.  I feel like I'm just about ready to do some work and it's 12:20!  I'll be going home in a minute!  I just want to rest and relax.  I made a promise to myself this morning that I would be back in just a few hours, before I got out of bed.  Without guitar last night and probably tonight, but after that I will be fine to play.  Hopefully not too much out of practice.

Reading more into physics the other day I was interested by this concept of separation.  If everything is made up of matter (well some things), then by what determinant are we actually what we are?  What are these modes of separation?  Why don't I co-exist as air simultaneously as I co-exist as me?  There's no sense to the way everything interacts with each other as it is.  Unless there is something unseen, which of course there is.

What I don't understand is bully remorse.  You tend to see it more at our ages, because people have grown up, and they're guilty and sorry for how they treated people back in school (it usually doesn't happen at university level cause popularity doesn't count for shit there).  I think that's bullshit.  They should have had the sense to understand that they were emotionally damaging someone else.  A lot of people commit suicide as a result.  And these people don't care!  There's a case now where some girl committed suicide over cyber bullying, and the bully put up a status on facebook that she was happy that girl is dead!  Come on, that's not right!  These people deserve no sympathy, and I am never that sad when school shootings happen in America when they talk about the victim who was made into an outcast and bullied.  Of course it's sad that innocent people who had nothing to do with the bullying also died.  Instead of being shot to death by police or committing suicide, they should be left alive after a massacre to explain what the other people did to them to set them off.  I'd like to see how that plays out.

The net is working again which is good.  But I'm still in the wrong place.  Wrong time.  That's what it's all about.

You know what?  Just fuck it.  Fuck this day.  Fuck this week.  I'm going to sleep.

I'm outties.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, December 12, 2013


Hahaha, only 10 people in the world probably know what that means. But that's ok, I'm fine with being one of them. I have informed the other to blog while he's gone, as well as write new songs. He said he is looking to blog, but probably will start up a new technology blog. He's always been down with the tech, but with his coding skills, he is looking to blog more about that sort of thing. So it may be the case that I'm the one left holding Anarchy Inside My Mind in my arms, and that's cool. Maybe there'll be an overhaul in terms of looks and comments at some point in the future, but we'll see. I need more time to get that sort of thing done. The other also doesn't have a guitar overseas, so he may be making more electronica based industrial music so we'll see what he comes up with.

I'm still getting on with guitar and having a great time. Playing my own stuff is so much more rewarding than playing other stuff. I'll fix up my rig setup and record stuff and get some overdubs in. I'm tired, but I will get by with plodding on with work. I have two major projects to get through over the next 2 months and hoepfully after that I can work towards getting out of here.

I read an absolutely riveting piece on the New York Times yesterday by Andrea Elliott. It concerned a girl called Dasani and her family in New York (Brooklyn specifically), who are living in absolutely abject poverty, and their struggle to survive. It paints an intimate portrait of the cycle of poverty, drug use and dysfunction faced by african american communities in large cities in America, and how gentrification is working to screw people over. If it was a no hoper family or what not, I wouldn't care, but Dasani, an 11 year old girl, oldest child to drug addict parents, shows profound intelligence and insight for someone her age. She has the potential for academic brilliance, and she is gifted with incredibly unnatural athletic abilities for someone of her age and size. In a perfect world, she would be anyone who could accomplish anything, but due to her circumstances, she's trapped in a cycle of responsibility she shouldn't have to shoulder, complicated relationships with her parents, and a school lacking resources to help her, and a variable housing situation. Can she rise above it and be someone? Or will she, like so many others fall prey to her circumstances?

The expose was huge, I don't even know how big it was. I discovered it near the end of the work day yesterday and I was so transfixed I finished very late while I got to the end of the article. It was a great read, pulitzer prize winning material. It talked about gentrification and the failure of the New York City Government to tackle homeless and poverty issues. But it gradually stopped being a feature piece and got a bit into opinion territory with a (probably justified) cricticism of government policies. I don't think Journalism should work in that way. The issue is that a lot of journalists are putting their own authority on a piece and passing that off as fact, instead of just reporting on objective points. That's the problem with news today, as well as the rapid news cycle and the struggle to get ratings and hits - nobody checks sources, and sensationalist stories and celebrity scandals are now the lead out bits. The tail end of the news from 10 years ago is now the stuff all the news is comprised of. Places like devote too much space to scouring the web for things like lifehacks, youtube videos, trends and what not. That stuff is not news, it is fluff, and that's what the majority of their news is. Since the NYT story has made waves (there were some great comments on there), there's no doubt that Dasani's family will get the help they so desperately need, but the question is what about the others? For every Dasani, there's probably 10 more we don't hear about. What about their story? Anyway, it was moving and the best feature I've ever read, without a doubt.

It reminds me of what I saw in Vancouver when I was visiting friends earlier this year. My friend took me to Granville and Main Street, and it is just insane. One side of the street is ultra hipster, rich WASP-y idiots who pay outrageous amounts for internationally sourced coffee and breads, and ther $1 million+ brickhouses, and on the other is the homeless, the drug addicts, the prostitutes. How does this happen? Gentrification only serves to sweep the homeless away from the city and price them out of previously affordable markets. It's insidious colonialism of the new order. It artifically raises property values and communities aren't really helped. People think the problem has gone away, but the issue is that it's just not as visible in the areas you tend to frequent. We walked past the club areas and there were so many homeless kids, teenagers in sleeping bags out on the street in big groups for protection. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. How naive am I? We had just spent the past 2 hours walking through all these waterfront properties in the exclusive part of town, and in the same suburb was this issue. And nobody cares. What does it say about us? We are an awful species, we don't deserve to survive.

I read the comments on the article out of interest, and it had a really good swathe of viewpoints. Conservative, liberal, middle of the road, violent, racist, everything. But one thing that bothered me was the number of comments relating to how Dasani's family was obtaining so much money yet still squandering it. People were saying "these people make more money than I make in a year". Well that may be true, but I bet the keyboard warriors don't have 8 children to look after. I bet those keyboard warriors don't have a drug dependency. I bet those keyboard warriors aren't crippled by a lack of education on financial matters. They are actually motivated by profit and jealousy. They say what they say because they only wish they had that amount of money. They are angry and jealous over people who live in poverty? That just goes to show how badly the middle class is failing. When the middle class has lost touch with the upper class, the middle class acts out, and will treat the lower class with utter disdain. They want someone to rule over. They want someone to chastise. If they're not careful, the future middle class will bear all the negative hallmarks of the upper class, without the money.

There's an often repeated quote about time travel - if it exists, why haven't we been overrun with visitors from the future? I've always pondered that, and I have a number of explanations. One: we are living in the primary timeline - the first, and we can't go any further in time. We can only go backwards from this point. Second is that if we do go back in time, the same atoms that comprise you can't exist again in the same world. Therefore you would go to another dimension. But going forward in time posts a lot of other issues. It means we have no free will, because determinism becomes a factor and it means the future can be decided if you can place yourself further in time than you are now. But I've thought about it, and I think I would prefer to go backward in time. I always talk about going to the future and seeing how far we have come and what advances we've made. But think about it, what would the world be like now to someone who is from the middle ages? Or from the BC timeframe? They wouldn't be able to comprehend what's going on. They would also be incredibly stupid. Why would you go forward in time and become that stupid person? In the past you can use your knowledge of future events for self-serving purposes at least. And with better education levels, you would be a genius and you could alter the course of history. Now that would be a pretty sweet deal!

But there is a whole other level of the Universe that we can't interpret or monitor. The very essence of what forms us and how it interacts with outside forces (dark matter, dark energy etc) is a true mystery to us. We can't experience the universe in that way in our current form because of physical constraints. But what if after death you're free from those physical constraints and you're suddenly aware and PART of that mystery? Maybe life and consciousness is overrated. That's a scientific system there, it could be based in fact.

Ahhh, the gym has been good. Made it 4 days in a row now. Tomorrow will determine if I can make it to my full 6 day quota. The thing about Saturday sessions is that you magically get all these ridiculously attractive girls in there who you've never seen before. How can they stay in shape when they go to the gym one day per week? And they don't really exercise? They just move about at a snail's pace?! It's a whacky world out there, I tell you. But I've been enjoying the view from my usual weekday sessions. There's a new girl with a dynamite body who runs, albeit slowly. I always have a mini heart attack whenever she pulls up her top to wipe the sweat from her face and reveals her sports bra and her toned torso and abs.

Don't mind me, just daydreaming about folk from the internet who I don't even know in real life! Hahahaha. Ahhh.

Another interesting thing I'm finding lately is this whole phenomenon of the angry white girl. They are just as bad as the typical angry white male, because angry white girls feel it is their moral duty and responsibility to be offended by absolutely everything. Sexism? Of course. Racism? Somehow. Inequality? Why yes! What strikes me as hilarious is that the angry white girl in question is typically well educated, probably attended a private or selective school, has gone to university, and has a well paying job. How is she being denied anything? How is she oppressed? This is misplaced entitlement at its sickest. The angry white girl mindset is disgusting because it is placed in an epistomology that (without acknowledging it) comes from a racist, colonialist, and an 'I'm always right' mentality. There is no sense of open-mindedness, and it's just as bad as the conservative view point.

I'm trying to look busy here! Damn, this has been one hell of an effort here and it's still early morning! Not bad at all!

What good is a person's word? Promises are broken all the time. And the times, they are a changin' my friend. Ahh, just 2 hours to go until I'm out of here. I'm still steadily getting by with work. I'm pretty tired and unmotivated, though. I've really gotta get away from the screens in my life. I just want to read.

With this heculean effort, I'm done for the day.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

That's What We Thought

Or at least until we said it. Singular thoughts are the way to go. Not these cluster thoughts, they're like block chords on guitar and they are just weird and obscure. It's my goal to exercise my full complement this week (6 days), after all the damage I have done to myself over the weekend. But I am feeling better - besides my back which is incredibly sore. I'll put that down to the silly relaxed way I sit at work. Gotta try to sit up straight and work like that instead. I can sit like a git when I'm at home. Speaking of home, I got into some brilliant guitar last night. The other laid the groundwork for a lovely demo he calls "I'm writing this letter to you" and the chords are just spectacular - open and airy but still mysterious. I played it for ages, as well as a really bluesy Stevie Ray Vaughan influenced track I came up with a few months ago. It's really funky and a bitch to play, it's fun! Gotta get back into it some more tonight. Unfortunately I still haven't read more of my novel! It's a shame, because it's getting really sinister. Judge Holden (or the judge) is spectacularly creepy. Is he human?! He has to be the most unsettling character in any book I've ever read. Hmmm, I've got work to do, but I'm on a roll here.

Why is Telstra the shame of a nation? You might think that Australia is a developed nation, but there are some areas where we definitely fall behind on certain infrastructure matters. One of them is definitely internet/telephony services. The world is moving forward with fast internet and well priced data plans (from the US, to parts of Europe and extending out to Asia). But Australia has very slow internet, which is incredibly expensive compared to the amounts of data quota that you're allotted per month. I've already blogged about my recent woes with Telstra, and how this situation came to be. As you may have guessed, I am still without the internet at home, so it's been well over a week now. I have rung up numerous times (for a total of over 3 hours) and been lied to by numerous call centre staff about the nature of the fault. Now they are telling me that it is unlikely to be fixed until the 18th, so that's well over 3 weeks that I won't have the internet. That would be ok if I wasn't spending all this money on services I can't use, and blowing through my phone credit on chasing up problems from lazy, incompetent call centre staff. They will be compensating me in full, of that I can assure you. Even in third world nations that I have had the pleasure (and I don't mean that in a disrespectful way) of visiting, it is possible to get incredibly high speed satellite connections at a reasonable fee, but not in Australia. Why are we falling so far behind the rest of the world? It harkens back to when I was overseas in 1999, and it took me 30 minutes just to check my hotmail! But without the internet I am definitely a lot more productive at home in terms of guitar, and reading (hopefully), and just general chores. I am sleeping earlier, but for some reason I am still tired when I wake up. Perhaps I am just accustomed to not sleeping enough and being able to recover? Anyway, this is just a note to say that Telstra is a disgrace to Australia. But thank god for blogger+! Great blogging platform. In fact, I should probably extend its uses to the other social media it supports, but I'm comfortable with just the blogger support.

I'm fascinated by the concept of evolution, and how we came to be where we are today. You see some genetic variation in every other living thing, but with humans it seems very complex. Why do we all look so different from one another? With animals they have a few spots in different places, but most of the time they look exactly identical. What is it about us that results in this kind of amazing variation? I mean we're closely related to chimps and other forms of monkeys but they don't display anywhere near this kind of variation. I always find it hilarious to read comments on yahoo news articles (which for some reason attract all kinds of right wing nutters, despite being a leftist organisation), where stories about evolution are harshly criticised by hardcore religious people who talk about creationism and those who believe in evolution will burn in hell - absolutely hilarious. But there are some interesting questions about evolution. We all evolved from the same single cell, but doesn't it stand to reason that every subsequent point of evolution should still be around? I know there's the concept of survival of the fittest, but there should at least be some remnants of early man still living. Or were they all just bred out? Are our cells so dominant that it just overtook everything closely related in our family? But shouldn't that also mean monkeys shouldn't exist? I want this missing link! I have a lot of questions! Man, we're all just glorified monkeys, but we're the only ones stupid enough to wear suits and work in jobs that don't really mean anything, and don't better society as whole, and feel miserable in our artificial lives. Get back to nature!

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm sure there's an opening somewhere. Jesus! It's 11am already! I better get some work done.

We are all losing, we are all lost. Snapshot this moment in time. As you read this sentence. Freeze time right there. Everyone you know, everyone you will meet, everyone who exists at this very moment will be dead in the future. Reduced to nothing. How does that make you feel? Is anything worth it? I love reading wikipedia at work, cause I mostly read physics based articles. I want to understand the universe more. The how and why. But the why is the hardest question.

I'm slowly plugging away on work and getting by the day. But with 2 hours to go, I'm definitely looking forward to getting the hell out of here. What does the passage of time reveal? How can some people who are born in the same year look incredibly different in terms of age?! Even with similar lifestyle factors. It's a shock to the system, that's for sure. How can you know anything?

Where did these people crop up from? Born after me, they are taking over the world, and I am left leading a large scale retreat from existence.

I'm done for today.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Drymouth & Bloodmouth Say Hi

So what's this? I slept well for a change, but of course the Tuesday blues hit me and now I am feeling incredibly tired. This is not good, considering I have work to do today. In fact I'll be busy for the next month or two. That's not good, considering I had things to do, but oh well. It's time to start living a bit more austere. I just want to make it to the end of the day and go home and not think about any of this stuff. On top of that, I haven't even touched my guitar in 2 days, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

As you may have gathered, I'm still without the internet. I'll be calling up today after work to get them to fix it as soon as possible. With that, I better get on to some work or else I'll be in trouble! I'd like to just take a day off and rest. Nothing more.

Well besides that, I don't think I have anything of merit to say. Yesterday was quite the bumper day, though. Hopefully it makes up for the remainder of my posts this week.

Ahhh I had stuff to post but I can't remember anymore. It doesn't matter, I have 90 minutes until I'm out of here and I have things to do.

These are all references I could do without. Arghh, just so tired I could fall asleep right here. Just out of it and unmotivated.

Oh God, it's only Tuesday...

Joaquin out.

Monday, December 09, 2013

It's Not Me, It's You

And other such flights of fancy. Back with a blogging vengeance, and this year is almost over. Good to crack the 200 mark again for the second consecutive year. Though, I should have ideally hit 300 posts last year. It could have been done this year, but February seemed to be a very slow month. I think I may have been overseas, but I can't quite remember. It doesn't matter, it's been a good blogging year. Quality, not quantity. I think that's apparent with our earlier efforts when we were averaging about 100 posts per year, give or take 20 or so, and those were pretty good. Ahh, I really want to go back and read that stuff, but I've got a hands off policy until next year when I can do a proper blog review and reply to any comments.

Feeling pretty tired today, which is odd because tiredness and fatigue don't generally hit me until Tuesday. It probably doesn't help that I was up late partying on Saturday and didn't get to sleep until 5am, then was up early. Exhaustion hit me big time and I just passed out early last night, before having to get up to finish chores and getting back to bed. Saturday was horrible because I was tired, but with all the caffiene in my body I just could not get to sleep. Didn't get as much guitar in as I wanted, but I'll make up for it this week. I should hopefully have full internet access back tonight which should be good. I now understand the pain of slow internet and what it means in terms of lost productivity and time. But I've already had this debate on whether fast internet will free us up, or will just cause us to spend more time on the internet. I'm just aiming to lay low today and work at the sluggish pace that I'm feeling and hopefully the day will end soon.

One thing I will never understand is how these new sitcoms are regarded as funny and groundbreaking. I think of shows like 2 Broke Girls and How I Met Your Mother and 2 And A Half Men, and I have seen a few episodes of each and I have never found any of them funny in any way. I've never smiled, I've never laughed, the premises all seem so forced and unnatural. Yet these are the shows that have the millions of viewers. I just don't get it. Maybe most people don't know what funny actually means. And by extension it just means we are all out of touch with each other.

We are living in a time where people like to blame their problems on the government. If they can't afford to buy things they don't really need, they'll blame the government for it and vote them out, regardless of what the opposition's policies are, and that's incredibly dangerous. All just hallmarks of an ignorant society. Let me tell you, on a grand scale of what's happening in the world, if you have a job, a roof over your head, and you can eat whenever you're hungry, you're doing a hell of a lot better than the vast majority of people in the world. So quit being whiny bitches, and get over your victim mentality. The world doesn't owe you anything unless you're prepared to be completely selfless.

Something I find very troubling at the moment is the idea that all these large companies (banks and automative makers) need to be bailed out by Governments in their country when they are in financial strife. That's not how a free market economy should operate. Big business and conservative wankers like to talk about how great capitalism is, but the fact is that capitalism doesn't work unless you force a certain number of people to be the underclass and remain there to benefit those above them, by working at reduced rates and often unpaid, compared to their bosses. But capitalism shouldn't be regulated like this - there should be no protectionism. The idea is that the market dictates consumer needs. If an industry is failing, it's because they have failed to adapt and meet customer requirements, or that people don't want that particular product. Why are all these cars being manufactured if there is nobody to drive them? There's no space to actually park these cars. But yet they keep pumping them out for god knows what reason. There needs to be cyclical manufacturing processes, because the status quo is definitely not sustainable. It makes me ill when CEOs and executives front up to Government inquiries and beg for money stating that they have an obligation to protect jobs and the economy. Sorry, but the whole reason we're in this mess is because these people could not understand what the consumers wanted, and poor leadership and management resulted in some absolutely horrible decisions being made. In the end it leads to terrible outcomes. Banks survived to create another problem through the sub-prime mortgage crisis which resulted in so many people losing their homes. Car manufacturers are still pumping out ridiculously expensive large cars which don't match any market profile. It's screwing the consumer over. Government shouldn't be supporting this. Who knows what will happen after the next round of bail outs? It's not good for the average guy on the street. Governments don't bail out people when they're in financial trouble, so why do corporations get the help? That right there is something that's not right with our society. But you know what the bigger problem is - vehicles and houses cost far more than what they're actually worth.

Markup on property is ridiculous. What I find brilliant in the West is that all the rich people live near the water, but in poorer parts of the world, the waterline is where all the poor people live! Most people cannot afford a car or a house without entering into a loan agreement with a bank, who then screws you over with ridiculous levels of interest. That's just not right. How are people supposed to live like that? And don't just tell me that's the way it is. Things have to change so that everybody can live just a little bit better. The problem is what you want and what you need are very different things.

The other is heading off overseas for a little while at the end of this week. Don't fret, I'll be giving him a reminder to blog and write some music while he's gone. It'll be like the good ol' days damn it!

What is it about honour that drives us? There's been an affront and it must be settled. What sort of qualities are there?

Le Sigh, just 2 hours to go and I'm out of here. I need to stop overindulging. Hell, even stop indulging. Just get through the bare necessities.

You'll have to excuse me, there's something in my eye...

It's been a good one, that's for sure.

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Friday, December 06, 2013

Rapid Fire Blog

I may have internet tonight, but I'll have to go home to find out.  Failing that, there's probably not going to be much from me until Monday.  But that's ok, I don't always need to be blogging, and it's not like I blog on weekends anyway.  Ask yourself the critical questions, and learn to think outside your usual methods of thinking.  It's a logical issue, and everything can be overcome.  But I have been enjoying my time away from the internet and social media.  I've been playing plenty of guitar and reading my book.  Blood meridian is seriously disturbing, I don't want to put it down!  But here I am at work.

It's always interesting when you run into someone at the gym.  Where did all these attractive women come from?!  Not that I'm complaining. 

I need to be able to see what's in front of me in order to make it. 

There's half an idea here, half a concept.  But to draw it out takes something else. 

I think I'm done with today.  I'm going to go home and hopefully have internet, or just play games and read and play guitar.  That sounds like a good time, indeed.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, December 05, 2013

Change In The Weather

Am I relying on the wrong information? Am I reading too much into what's in front of me? I'm usually speculating on all fronts. But sometimes the hunch goes nowhere. Then what was that feeling? Things have gone dark all of a sudden. There's something going on out there, but it's all passed or it's all back. There's a chance, there's an opportunity. Things have changed, or it could all be coming back.

What I find troubling in this day and age is crowdsourcing. I know everyone heralds it as the new wave of entrepreneurship and innovation, but at the heart of it lies a terrible issue. If people can't seek their own private funding, they open it up to the public in exchange for perks (the more you donate, the better perks you get). Ok, but essentially doesn't that mean you are seeking funds from individuals who could have spent that money on more charitable endeavours? All these people throwing away all this money on somebody elses vanity project. Cause if the idea was really good, they would be able to get the relevant funding. So as per usual, it's the poor people who suffer, because people will find excuses not to give to those less fortunate, and instead blow their cash on petty things.

I'm also not enjoying this recent trend in music where young, white female performers (Joss Stone, Adele, Lorde, Amy Winehouse, Pixie Lott etc. ad nauseum) who are lauded as the next big thing in music and are critically acclaimed for their vocal skills. The issue is that they all sound like seasoned, 40+ black performers. The issue is that while these women pick up the awards, album sales, and the millions of dollars, real seasoned coloured performers are still working their menial jobs and being underappreciated at their actual gigs. Where's the justice in that? It's all about marketing and advertising, so just be a bit more discerning about how you spend your money.

I recall a really wonderful event some years ago when I had stashed some birthday money (and other cash) into an envelope and left it in my drawer at home. Then I left it for a couple of months and totally forgot about it. Then when I was reading old birthday cards I found like over $100 in cash! Hahaha it felt like all my Christmases had come at once! I've never had that sort of luck since then.

Oh you don't want to know what my biggest ambition is. I'm looking forward to reading when I get home, and also returning to the gym. Just been too tired to do anything in the morning these days.

Le sigh, still 3 hours to go until I can get out of here. That is unless I leave early. It's an option....hmmmmm! I've done a fair bit of work today but I don't feel like doing anymore.

Just cop it on the chin and keep going, I say. But it still depresses me. It's a different world out there. One probably not for me.

The problem is that I wish I had more to say. Perhaps blogging everyday has killed my creativity. Perhaps it's like a well where you only have so much, and it needs to be replenished in order to be useful. It's been a busy day. Just 45 minutes to go until I can get out of here. And damn it! All this work is just coming out of the walls! I was meant to be making time for other crap now, and this is definitely not useful.

But where there's a will, there's a way. And I think there's a way. But is there time?

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

From Stalingrad To Hiroshima, We Bring The Peace

What a fallacy. There's a lot of darkness and stupidity and ignorance out in the world today. But the question I ask of you is what you intend to do about it? Or will you just let the status quo reign? What if I am waging war with myself, and it is actually taking a considerable amount of my will to actually conform to this kind of life? This kind of life I don't even want?! What puzzles me is that there's an entire sphere of influence that I am completely blind to and I wonder how that could be. There's just an entirety of a universe that I don't know and that I'm just not aware of. Everything is news to me.

Woke up this morning feeling dismal, so I didn't even bother going to the gym, and I'm feeling it now, that's for sure. But better that then go to the gym and get really sick. Probably been eating way too much lately. I don't like the idea of overindulgence. It doesn't speak well for you as an individual, but it's also a slap in the face of so many others in the world who cannot live as well. For those who say they could if they tried, I would call them liars. There are places in the world where nobody has a chance in hell of succeeding or living well, and you have no choice but to escape and live somewhere else.

But what is success? You look around and see all these ridiculously priced houses and apartments, for sale and rent, and you wonder just how many successful people are out there. By success I mean rich and famous, or maybe just rich. Fame doesn't really count for much. But how could there be such a market unless there were so many people who had all this money? And then how sick does it make you feel when you realise that for every one of them, there are like hundreds of people who are doing it tough. That's just not right. The wealth is distributed amongst so very few, and there is no justice or fairness or equality in that.

So things got weird! As you can probably tell from last night's formatting and time of the post, I've gotta use blogger+ for the time being, because the phone line at home has died. What's strange is that I can ring the home line, but my phone doesn't actually ring. It just rings out. Then when I dialled my mobile from the home line, the number came up as completely different! How strange!! Something isn't right. What's even crappier is that Telstra (the service provider) can't fix it until the 9th! That's like an entire week! Oh well, I can live without the internet, and life is much simpler without the trouble of social media and procrastination. The only thing I can't stand is paying for services I can't use. Might have to make a complaint about that. What really makes no sense is privatising an entity that previously had a monopoly on all the relevant infrastructure. Telstra (or Telecom as it used to be known) was a government owned entity that was responsible for all telecommunication setups in Australia until the 1990s. They then privatised Telstra and allowed competition, but Telstra still owned all the physical infrastructure in place. So this has basically screwed everyone in terms of new providers having to pay exhorbitant fees to access the infrastructure, and not being able to upgrade outmoded equipment. That's not real free-market competition, because the incumbent wields all the power. It's also not helped by my crappy Optus reception in my apartment which means that my 3G internet (as well as phone coverage) is spotty at best. So without wireless internet I'm pretty much cut off, but that's ok, I'll deal with it.

I love it when I'm able to come up with a solution to a problem because I feel like a genius! Especially difficult, finance related ones. I just need time to think through the problem, and I can get there. You just have to visualise a way that makes it work for you and you'll get there.

I'm trying, I'm really really trying not to be lazy. The question is what the hell am I going to do with the 2 hours I have left until I can get the hell out of here? There's just not a lot going on in my life right now. But hey, at least I can focus on finishing my book and getting started on the next one. I really have nothing to do, which sort of kills the motivation a bit. The problem is that instead of using my time fruitfully, it's been wasted, and now I actually have big work to do. So that's going to keep me busy until the end of the year. Great. That's a perfect allegory for my life right there. Wasted time, chances blown. All over. Great. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not exactly bored.

I was reading on xkcd today that a total of 110 billion people have ever existed. Wow, that's a staggering figure. I want to know them all. What are there hopes and dreams. What were they. Did they have regrets when they died? It's a crazy question. Hopefully one day, though.

I'll keep it there for now.

Joaquin out.

This post has been intentionally left blank

Hahaha don't you hate that on paper? Such a waste!

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Intrinsic Faults Trapped In Vaults

But what do you do when there's nobody to blame, not even yourself? I write (or I type) and the signals tell the monitor what characters to display, and where they should be. I can write (or type), and delete words and add others in. This is all very artificial. Everything you read on here is artificial. I am the holder of truth. The narrative is controlled by me, and you have to take what I say as gospel. Because if I maintain what is truth, you can be alienated and placed on the outer for not believing in my truth, or what I claim it to be. Isn't that somewhat troubling to you? It is to me, and I'm the one in charge here! So I can't even imagine what it must be like for the readers of this fine blog.

And I don't want to win the grand prize, I'd settle for the consolation prizes. There's just too many unknowns and I don't think I'm trying hard enough. Existence itself is taxing enough without having to actually attempt anything. As always I'm in the wrong place. There's nothing to test me because I want to pass with flying colours. But I know everything is just attrition and probability and chaos. So you put yourself back in the ring to duke it out with everything that comes up against you. One day you have to be victorious. That's just the law of nature. Do you want it so bad, it hurts? Hmm the question is do I know enough? It's all a matter of aliveness.

Democracy is a flawed system. Of this you should already be aware. My favourite quote is "democracy is two lions and a sheep deciding what to eat for dinner". How very apt. But it's true. Let's take the recent election of Clive Palmer to Parliament in Australia. For those not in the know, Clive is a mining magnate, worth a few billion dollars who has no real political acumen, and has espoused really troubling views that border on insane conspiracy theories. But people voted him in! He goes on variety shows and talk shows and makes a real ass of himself with his stupidity, but people still want him to represent them! What does this say about the people? I guess if you can buy yourself into Parliament, people will take any bait you offer, hook, line and sinker. But here's the thing - educated people will say that it's up to the citizenry to vote and the biggest numbers win. But the citizenry won't educate itself, they like to believe in easy fixes, and they want to espouse the conspiracy theorist views because they are not living the lives they want (ie. where everything is handed on a silver platter to them without having to work for it). That's the issue. The idiots will rule. There's simply more of them because they keep breeding and dragging everyone else down with them. That just shows the system is untenable. It's gotta collapse sooner or later. Or else educated folk will be a thing of the past, or they will be marginalised, and the idiots will believe they are operating under an infallible and perfect doctrine. And you know what the downside of that is? In order to change how the world works, you'd need to have a revolution, and the dumb people would riot and probably win. Smart people don't fight, they don't fight wars because it's not logical. So we're pretty much just doomed. Unless someone out there has the guts to change the status quo and really make the world better for everyone, not just those who think they are entitled.

I was reading in the paper that phobias may be genetic memories at play. Genetic memories are essentially where traumatic experiences from your ancestors are coded into their DNA and passed on to the next generation. These memories aren't latent, because they are altered somewhat by chemical changes to DNA over time due to environmental changes, as well as increased exposure to radiation. Who knows? Maybe this is the basis for the belief in past lives? Haha, yes this does hark back to a post I made earlier on the topic of atoms and matter and what not. But what an interesting concept! Of course it only works if the traumatic experience happens before you can conceive children. But wow! Can you really code your memories into your DNA? How gorgeous. Because that technically means you could die and the matter that comprises you would still have bits of your memory coded into it. If you go deeper, perhaps all our ancestors and all of us are joined together at the core of all matter, where all the rules break down. How romantic and ironic!

So I'm pigeonholed and stuck now. Nowhere to go. Walking in the night, the darkness envelopes me and I become one with it. I am blind to my self, blind to my own thoughts. Instinct becomes reason first and foremost. There's no need to question it. Act and react. That's what it's all about.

Women are obsessed with dick sizes! They say they don't care, and that's what they'll tell their partners, but as soon as a man acts like a jerk, they will say he must have a small dick and he must be compensating as a result. Therefore you could say that they really do actually care!

Wow, this has really taken on a whole other life. I don't think I have any more to say. Hopefully I get this weekend to myself where I can just relax and let loose.

Am I motivated by anything? Not really. I just want to go home and go to sleep most of all. Nothing grand. Who wears pants on their waist? I have always worn them on my hips. They're just far more comfortable. Which makes it all the more surprising that something like hipster pants actually exist.

How can you feel homesick when you are not attached to any place on Earth? It's weird. I need to see what else is out there. There's no groove to my melody. Guitaring is going well, but I should return to my own stuff, not play other people's music. Now that I've fixed up my soundcard issues, I should work on recording my stuff and adding some dubs in.

There's nothing out there for anyone. I'm getting crazy and tired. Just fatigued, like my body is coming apart at the seams, and my mind is imploding on itself, and anarchy reigns everywhere. What else is there? Ahh man, I gotta make it 2 more hours before I can get out of here?! This is nuts! It should all end earlier.

The thing about the internet is that it has attracted a new breed of complainers. They feel good about complaining on the internet because they feel so powerless in their real lives, and they feel that by complaining on the internet that they are actually doing something about the problem. But this also means everything is a problem.

On the advice of Randall Munroe (creator of xkcd), I checked out OGLAF, and I have to say it's brilliant. It's subversive, it's hilarious, it's random. All the hallmarks of a really good webcoming. Check it out, but warning it's not safe for work or for polite company. It's almost bordering on pornographic in places, but still utterly hilarious.

Maybe it's all about establishing rhythm and momentum. When I die, I just want to be buried in the ground. No real grave, totally unmarked. Only those that know me should be able to find it, and when they're gone, that's it, my body will be lost forever.

Do you ever find that some people look very similar? Even across different racial groups, you'll find people who look exactly alike despite their skin colours (or even genders). Why is that? I think it's a cellular/DNA link to common ancestors. It shouldn't really come as a surprise that people will look like common ancestors when you realise that of course we had less people at the start of humanity's evolution, but as we have more people, of course people's appearances are going to become more and more diverse, but through it all, you'll still see traces of those ancestors.

I'm done with today. Hope you've enjoyed the jump.

Joaquin out.

Monday, December 02, 2013

Fear & Loathing & Anxiety Right Here

Ahh and here we are, back to the swing of things.  Blogging away in the heat, while my life just spills down the drain like it was nothing.  But that's what we love about it.  Well not really, but we can just pretend, can't we?  Always good to see my inbox at work shrink down to single digits, especially when it was pretty high over the past fortnight or so.  I have a good filing system.  Isn't it strange how fear, loathing and anxiety all make wonderful bedfellows.  They are always in league with each other.  It's crazy, all of it.  I am feeling it all at once right now. 

How can you face down the firing squad?  You feel the adrenaline, and you know there's nothing on the other side.  Or maybe you're wondering if there is actually anything on the other side.  But the choice was mine and I made it.  Nobody is invincible.  To just burn it all to the ground.  Maybe it's moving at a rate faster than expected.  It's all just talk and lies.  The truth is its own glory.  But I would love to prove my point.

I just set a reminder at work for one hour and that hour went by so quickly!  It's a bit of a shock.  I guess that's what life is like.  You have all these grand plans that you keep putting off and then before you know it, your life is over.  No second chances, the time arrived and that was all you had.  And I'm just seeing that reminder come and go every hour.  It's a gentle reminder that my life is being wasted. 

So yesterday saw the untimely death of Paul Walker, star of The Fast and Furious franchise.  Outside of that franchise, he has really only been in The Skulls and Into The Blue, which weren't that critically lauded.  But the outpouring of grief and shock is truly surprising.  Especially from young female fans who held him as a beauty standard.  This is just completely whacky.  It speaks volumes of this cult of celebrity, and how nobody really cares about the myriad of other automobile accidents that occur daily (let's not even get into the drink driving stuff - but note that is entirely different to the set of circumstances that killed Walker).  But as long as the person is famous and good looking, then people will care about their deaths.  It's just something that doesn't sit right with me.  Perhaps before everyone dies, they should get famous so that people can give a crap?  Then again it happens to everyone.

I've got no patience for any of this madness.  Didn't game that much over the weekend, but that's ok.  In fact I slept most of the weekend away and I feel all the better for it.  I would just love to take leave to sleep and nothing else.  Some people just have no idea.  They just don't get it.  Leaving alone is just so much easier.  Just look at how we all live as consumers in such a capitalist society.  It's a wonder more of us aren't millionaires.  Then again it's a bit scary when having a million dollars in the bank is not considered rich in developed countries.  Well holy shit, something is not right with that.  I've got enough money in the bank to go and live anywhere in the world for just 2 years and not have to work.  But I am not living it up, that you can be sure of.  That's what I'd love to do, just go somewhere and just live.  No regard for anything or anyone. 

Baah, I don't want to get up today, I don't want to face the world.  I'm dealing with too much apathy here.  Who would have thought apathy could be so all consuming?  I'm going to try to have a relaxing weekend this time around. 

Ewww the ferals from my high school - the people who would never amount to anything - are starting to breed.  How grose!  And thus the cycle of bullying and harassment continue.  Their children should be kerb stomped now before it's too late!  There's still some hope for humanity! 

Hahahah, I had a hilarious moment over the weekend when I looked up this blog's ranking on Alexa.  Apparently one of my posts was linked by a Wired article about how google failed when it acquired blogger and were having technical difficulties.  Hahaha it quoted one of my more infamousoutbursts, haha!  But that's a level of notoriety that I'm happy with.  It would make sense why a fair few people commented on that post in support of what I said, and some abusing me for my rather profane writings! So, Mr Adam L. Penenberg, thank you for quoting me, and have a good life.

Hmmm I'm just feeling restless and unsettled at the moment.  Still have to make it 2 more hours before I can get out of here, so I don't know what I'm going to do.

Forget hope, agitate instead!  I like that.

Anyhow, I'm done with today.

Joaquin out.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Do You Know Adabana?

Lies and other such fruitless flowers.  The fakery of it all is baffling.  So I survived another unventful week of my life.  The clouds are rolling in and it looks like a storm is coming.  I could have sworn I had things to blog about but I am just trying to wind things down for this weekend and sleep.  I may have also just run out of things to say.  I'm sure over the life of this blog, I've probably covered all the things I wanted to cover, and every new item is just me repeating myself, or just adding points to issues that are generally covered.  So what's the point?  Well I do it for me, cause it's my blog (shared with the other, of course).

So who are you?  Do these words mean anything to you?  Who are the people that read this blog?  Are they just passing posts?  No regard to who we are?  No understanding of who I am?  I don't even think this blog does a good job of explaining who I am.  But I guess I prefer it that way.  You see what I want you to see.  But I don't really do this for the audience.  I do it for me.  I'll always be writing here regardless.  It's my escape.  It's my release.  Anyone else who blogs should also have that in mind.

I'm just tired.  Tired of it all.  What do you do when you get to that sort of situation?  Nothing.  You just sleep and wish your entire life away.  I would love to actually see...crap and I totally forgot my point!  Hahah, I should have finished typing it before doing other stuff, now I have no idea what I was meant to be talking about.  My phrase for the day is going to be "fuck it" just keep trying.

And that's really all I can do at this point.  2.5 hours until I'm out of here.  It's a question of what I want.  My head is buzzing and I just want to collapse right here.  This is a very dark, dark hole I am in.  There's no way out.  Just further in until there's no light. 

Hmm I just feel like playing something randomly. 

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Is Nothing Better Than Something?

So tell me, is it?  The status quo prevails and I am still here.  I don't feel a thing.  Is there noone to back me up?  Nobody to count on?  There's nobody in my corner to throw in the towel.

I'm feeling so old lately.  I'm pulling 30 shortly.  Where did my life go?  Jesus.  I used to be young.  I used to be in university when I started blogging here with the other.  And now look at me.  It all just goes away.  Time just keeps going and we are all dying, day by day.  More of us lost.  It's a war of attrition and we just keep breeding in the hopes of sending more numbers to the front to create hope but this is a fight we cannot win.  What do you do?  One day you're 'it' and you're young and enjoying life, and the next second you turn around and you're old and just over things.  Ahh time, you are the variable we just don't need.  I would love existence in a static universe. 

Going back to a point from yesterday, I really don't like how Apple is now annualising its products.  There's always a new iPad or iPhone the next year, after they've touted what they've just released as a world beater.  That's the problem.  Apple have lost their way.  They have no visionary at the helm, and everything seems so uninspired.  They're just copying themselves.  They're out of ideas!!  Basically each new product is the same as the old one but with something silly attached that isn't really vital to the product or to the consumer.  And therein lies the problem of big business.  To make the products and get out in the world, you need to float the company and sell shares to the public.  But investors want the best return for their dollar, so they'll force companies to keep releasing products, even if they're not the best thing the company can release.  It's all about investor relations and that's incredibly sad.  It's what holds back true innovation and forward thinking, but that's today's capitalism for you.  Capitalism should inspire investment and industry, but it has brought out all our greed and worst qualities.  It really is the bane of the world. 

I've been enjoying a lot of Dilbert lately, as well as garfield minus garfield.  It's a brilliant thing.  I really need to finish my novels though, because I want to read paradise lost by Milton.  It looks epic.  I really should be taking the time to read more.  It's a great activity for everyone, and for those who are illiterate, I feel for, I really do.  For the information of the other, it's currently 11:11.  Spooky!

I swear last night and this morning that I had some great ideas to blog about, but right now my mind is drawing a blank. 

Man I'm even lacking the motivation to live, let alone get up in the morning and do anything worthwhile.  Why am I even bothering?  Why even look?

What I'm understanding now is that my generation are the ones that have been in the workforce for some time now.  What I discovered was that teachers are now putting up examples of mistakes (albeit humorous) from their students and putting them up on social media to show their friends.  Often you can identify the students (and thereby the school and the teacher), and it is highly unprofessional.  Imagine what that child must be going through, and just try and empathise with the humiliation and degradation involved.  That's the problem with people my age, they put everything up on social media, even when they shouldn't.  If your child is taught by someone in Generation Y, follow their social media accounts very closely, trust me.

I'm done for today.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

In Lieu Of Real Words

What really irks me is that I get the best blog titles at the most random times, like just as I'm drifting off to sleep or first thing in the morning.  This of course usually means I have forgotten it by the time it actually comes to write up some blog notes.  Made the big mistake of having a nap when I got home last night for about an hour, and this of course resulted in the inability to sleep when it was actually bed time.  What's annoying is that I could have just slept through until today during that nap, instead of having to get up and then ruin my sleep.

As a result I was not able to wake up properly this morning and couldn't go to the gym.  It also didn't help that I had the weirdest dreams.  Friends with a bunch of people I've never seen before and interacting with people I hadn't seen in a long time, like 15 years or so.  It's all poison for the mind.

Back to other pressing matters, I have to make a decision about this job by the end of the week, and I still have no clue what to do.  I don't really want to have this conversation.  So many risks, so many pros and cons.  It doesn't help that I'm too tired to think properly.  I've been enjoying guitar, even though I have been playing popular songs and brushing up on my chord memory, and not really focusing on my own stuff.  It's a shame, cause I really like going through and consolidating ideas.  There's nothing that beats the pleasure that comes from combining two separate ideas into one really great idea.  I still need to get a loop pedal so I can accompany myself.

What concerns me about the entire games industry is that it appears that everything is annualised and created to cost consumers more money.  Remember the old days when your Sega Megadrive or Super Nintendo lasted like 10 years or so while they kept creating games for it?  Now the focus is on graphics and processor performance and not so much on fun experiences or compelling story telling.  These days, consoles barely have shelf lives of 4-5 years before they are being replaced in their entirety.  Then you also get games that are annualised, like the Call of Duty series and what not, and gamers are just burnt out.  They're not getting their full value from the $80 or so they put down on these games, especially when game companies expect them to buy multiple games over the course of a year or so.  Time constraints are also a major problem as people get older and have more responsibilities at home, and that's not good for game folks because these are the people who have the disposable income to buy the stuff.  These days I can't really put down the several hours per turn to play some Total War, but I can spare a few doses of 10-15 minutes to play a few rounds of Counter Strike Global Offensive or Chivalry Medieval Warfare.  Cause there's no buildup, you just go for it guns (or swords) blazing, and after some hardcore intensity, the match is over and you can go back to living your life.  Reminds me of my old school days of playing Unreal Tournament during College or University as stress relief.  I'd play assault maps and just thrash everyone.  Haven't played that in a while, but I guess it's not AS fun on new computers because it runs so smooth.  I enjoyed the choppy and stilted action from my old PC, those were good times.  2-3am during holidays just going nuts in front of the fan to cool the faulty computer cooling while getting my Unreal Tournament on, ahhh those were the days.

Life just moves too fast.  There's no time to stop and smell the figurative roses.  Everyone turns into vultures, and they're all too prepared to feast on the corpse of success at the expense of everyone else.

I'm hating this, I'm really hating this.  I think I'll turn it down, there's just too many complications.  Story of my life, right? 

Hmm, I'm kind of reminded of a quote which I'm sure I've botched up somewhere.

Is that it?  Is this it?  Am I watching my dreams die right in front of me?  Somewhere I guess I just lost my way.  But what point was that?  I guess where I was born.  None of this should be happening.  It could be worse, though! 

I think I'm done for today.  I don't want to check my e-mail after rejecting that job offer, but I know I have to, in order to send this to myself so I can actually blog later on tonight.  Blaaargh.

Ok, no more typos!  Gotta start proofing my own shit.  And I'll also have to finish blood meridian!  Damn you, Cormac, damn you!  Addictive writing.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Singing Low Then Singing High

Must be so taxing on the voice and throat, but not like I'd know, because I can't sing.  Or at least I don't think so.  I've never really tried.  I think it would take some confidence to at least start well, and that's not something I have.

I still haven't made my mind up about this job.  It's not a sure thing.  It might put me in a worse situation, so I'm not sure if it's something I want to do.  Or it could be me on to the path of something else even better.  Isn't that the gamble of life?  It all is.  But then again, I guess the end result is the same for everyone - that is if you believe death is really the end of everything.  So what's the point?  We might as well just be ordinary and try to just enjoy things while we can.

I was reading a really interesting story about children who believe they've been reincarnated because they can recall in vivid detail elements of their past lives.  They know stuff they can't possibly know.  They're well informed about things in the past, and it's just really a disturbing and interesting concept.  Very few religions focus on reincarnation, and most write it off as a fallacy.  Spirituality as a broad concept agrees with it, but scientifically speaking, it could have some basis.  I mean, we're all made up of the same matter and particles.  If some of those items are later re-combined and can remember that they were together before, then why couldn't past lives be real?  It is food for thought.  Then that leads to harder questions such as the possibility of karma being real.  No energy is ever wasted, there is a finite amount of information in the universe, so things have to get recycled.  There is a system in place, but we don't really understand it, because the interplay between what we can see and that we can't see is incredibly complex.  There's dark energy and dark matter, and the recent proof of the Higgs-Boson particle.  I want to jump ahead 100 years and see what we do with the information.

Another factor in these children being able to remember things is that they are so young that they haven't really had a chance for the present to overwrite their memories and channel them as new individuals.  That's an interesting way to think about how time works.

I guess we're all still learning and we keep doing so until we die.  But at some point, it has to be over for humanity.  And then what?  What does this become?  What do we become?  Isn't that also a horrific idea that there are no real consequences for your actions?  We're just a random assembly of matter and particles.  Gosh, is it just me or does this thing just keep going in circles? 

Ahh Le Sigh, still 2 hours to go until I'm out of here, and I have nothing to do to fill up my time.  But I know there is!  There's stuff I gotta do!  And I should be learning notes on the guitar. 

Damn, too many missed opportunities.  Decisions, decisions.  Just fucking me over.

I think I'm done with today.  I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  Actually, maybe I do.  But getting it is entirely something else.

Joaquin out.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Soft Synth Shuffle

Hahaha, I don't know why, but that title made me smile.  Who woulda guessed?!  I was actually looking forward to this working week last night, but now that it's here, it's all fallen by the wayside.  It's a bit cold, I'm incredibly tired, and I'm just mentally not here again.  So I get in and realise I have to pay my tax liability this year, which was freakin' astronomical!  Baaah!  Hahaha and it was supposed to be a good week!  But that's out of the way, and hopefully from this year onwards my liability won't be so high because I've paid off my school loans.

I've read that Christine McVie is interested in coming back to Fleetwood Mac!  That would be absolutely awesome!  If she comes back, I'll definitely go see them live, because they can't sing little lies without her.  That's her song pretty much.  And it's my fave, and as I'm sure I've told you, everyone has a favourite Fleetwood Mac song. 

I have an idea for tumblr, and I won't place it on there, because I don't think it needs to be.  Yes, it's avoiding the cliche.  Why can't tags be cross-referenced when you search?  If I want to search for more than 2 tags for the one post, it can't be done.  I have to do it one tag at a time, and most of the time you're going to end up with mostly irrelevant things.  So why not be able to search more than 1 tag and narrow things down to what you need?  That would make more sense to me.  Or at least allow boolean queries for tumblr's search.  Then again, I don't really use that many tag searches.

There's something really odd going on with the whole thing.  A dialogue I'm not aware of.  Perhaps it was all a little bit of too much too soon.  The endorphins from this morning's gym session have hit me and I'm ready to just drift off to sleep.  Doesn't help that I'm nursing an SRI (sex-related injury) at the moment in the form of my shoulder.  Just feels like it's separated from my entire back, but it's not quite dislocated.

What is it with banks trying to help me get more money?  Here's how my setup is at the moment, a transaction account which I run at a low balance to stop me from buying stupid things, or things I don't need.  I also have an online savings account which all my savings goes into.  It used to have an absolutely epic interest rate when I opened the account, because my brother called me an idiot for only having one account (transaction accounts pay shit all interest).  Gradually, they have reduced the interest rate on that online account to barely anything, and then today I was talked into getting another online account with really heavy transaction limits.  So now I have like 5 accounts under my name.  Great, so much for things becoming less complex in my life!!  Yeah yeah, I know, I have money, but it's really not all that much. 

Screw this technical revolution, give me a pen and paper any day of the week.  You can branch off and do whatever.  You don't have to stick to text, you can change to pictures, and do mind maps and diagrams and what not.  No computer or system can do that rapidly.

Don't do what Dony Don't Does!  Hahaha, I'm having one of those moments right now.  Did I mention that I was given a job offer back in Sydney?  It's slightly more pay than what I get now, but the title seems like a step backwards.  What's more is that it's only for one year on contract while covering someone else.  It doesn't sound like what I could go for right now.  I guess I'm really concerned about having a GOB Arrested Development style "I've made a huge mistake" sort of moment.  But I picture it in my mind and all I want to do is destroy it.  Maybe things are a little warped in my mind.  I will not be Gatsby'd out thank you very much!

It's not so great when you get deja vu and realise it's in relation to wasting your life.  I'm not proofing well enough, and I keep making silly mistakes and typos.  I guess I'm just over it.  I need a break, or I need something new.  One or the other.  Or both.  Ahh decisions, decisions.  And I still have 90 minutes until I'm out of here. 

With all that we know about the world, I feel that we're now more inclined to be cynical and disbelieve things.  The magic of the world has faded, and it's affecting all of us in negative ways, don't you think?

Anyhow, I'm done for today. 

Joaquin out.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Pacific State Of Mind

My trip went well.  I had a good time on my own, but everything did feel a bit rushed.  Didn't sleep at all for a good 48 hour period, and I am badly in need of a shower.  But I'll get on to that.  Blogging comes first, you know!  Things were very busy interstate and I worked hard.  But I also got to relax.  Went down to the casino and played some no limit hold'em poker.  Well holy shit, it was intense and seriously hard.  Paid $200 for the buy in and lost it all in 3 hands.  Then re-bought in for another $200 and played damn slow and tight. Ended up with $560, so it was a net gain of $160.  Won't be doing that again, even if I did come out on top. Just too intense for me, and time consuming.

Are we moving to zero hour?  Things have to happen.  Things are just too unexpected.  Burn it all.  Burnt it all down so it resembles hell.  Things are going to be interesting.

I'm still pretty exhausted, but in a way I am sort of looking forward to work tomorrow so that I can blog.  I received a job offer in another city, for a little bit more pay, but it's only one year.  I don't know if I'll take it.  Decisions, decisions.

That's it for today.  More cohesion and ideas tomorrow, folks.

Joaquin out.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Obligations For Hire

Well what a weird position to be in. What do you do when what you were planning on actually happens? It could solve all my problems or create a whole set of new ones.

They are all alike in that way, aren't they? I wonder if it means what I think it does. It probably does. I'm probably making too many assumptions on all fronts. Again not enough information to get all the things I need.

This might just blow it all out of the water. But perhaps that's what it all needs. There's too many variables. Well hold up a second, none of that makes sense. Not with what's on front of my anyway.

I guess right now I have the chance to get away from it all but only temporarily. Is that all I need? Maybe it is just a repeat of what happened with me. That could potentially make sense.

I want to just rest and relax and not have to plan my day and tick them off. I miss my guitar. I need to play.

Look out for the surprise. There's a lot going on behind the scenes. Why do these questions have to be asked?

It feels good to blog away from home though. I don't use blogger+ as much as I should. Probably cause I'm always at work anyway. 15.5 hours until I'm home. I can't wait. Exhaustion has set in.

I have been here far too long and am going stir crazy.

Crap! My battery is on the way out. Hopefully it makes it so I can post this after I've collected enough ideas.

I'm feeling inspired. I'm buzzing. I'm tired. I need to eat. Never again. I guess I make my own way.
Always first time lucky.

How lucky? Lucky enough.

Ill see what I can do.

But for now I'm done.

Joaquin out.