Toffee Hats & Licorice Flats

Woke up and just didn't want to deal with things today.  The best part of my day is sleeping, because I'm not here.  Everything else is just not worth it.  Maybe I can't even tell the time anymore.  No, things are just simply not happening.

Nothing works.  My body is falling apart, when I need it to be together.  I have to make some changes.  It's all just a pack of lies that I was fed.  I just quit, because I can't cope with it.  I want to get in and just write.  I don't even want to eat.  I just want to sleep it all away.  All I look forward to in life is life being over.  Right now, that seems as hard as finding a four leaf clover.

Do you believe what's in front of you?  The clock is ticking.  I'm slowly progressing with work, but as usual, I don't really want to.  Like I've said before, I just want to go home and sleep everything away.  At least I only have an hour to go before this week is over.  And believe me, I know it's a wasted week.

There are assets everywhere.  If only.

Joaquin out.

Crashing Into Fate At The Guggenheim

I wonder what that would look like?  The entire scenario is just ridiculously fishy.  Doors and windows all closing at the same time.  I'm in no headspace to figure things out.  I am tired, beyond exhausted.  At the end of my rope, at the end of my noose.  It's all a puzzle, but the pieces keep changing.  When you think it's done, it all starts re-arranging.

I'm not even drugged out, and I am struggling.  This is terrible.  I just want to stay quiet and get on with things, but there's no motivation to even do that.  I want to just waste a day.  Just stay in bed and say fuck it, not contribute to anything in the world for just a day.  This is no partnership.  Shouldn't there at least be some sort of meeting of the minds?  No, it's a manifestation of something else. 

Just a weird situation.  Did I see him?  I think it may have been.  But what was he doing there?  There should have been a confrontation.  I'm sure in my current physical and mental state, I would have gone down, and gone down harshly.  But it would have been worth the rub, right? 

Was it delusion?  Was it vanity?  Slowly losing sanity. 

I should let you guys know that I don't queue any posts on this blog.  So if I don't post for like 2-3 months, you can just assume I'm dead.  At least that way, you can have a complete record of things.  You can read from start to finish - how good would that be?  A complete picture, for once.

This all just goes out to everyone, doesn't it?  Everything is designed to test me, and to make me sick.  Don't believe me.  Don't even believe in me.  The plot thickens.  Something has to be done. 

The issue is this: this way of life is killing me.  The problem is that it's not killing me fast enough.

I wonder what ever happened to Liiv7?  I enjoyed her youtube videos.  I guess she grew up and lost the faith in what she was doing.  But I guess that's the story of us all.  Sigh, at least I only have 40 minutes before I need to get out of here.  I'm just so tired and just so much crap to do when I get home.  My life is just being taken up by silly stupid tasks that I just can't get away from.  Why can't I die?  I'm feeling older.  I'm not invincible.

I've done a decent amount of work today, so I'm just going to laze away the rest of this afternoon doing research for my trip.  I just wanna scream and be done with it.  Nothing in the tank, not even running on fumes.  Borrowed time, all of it.

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

There's Absolutely Nothing

Nothing at all.  Does it mean anything?  Well it could only mean one thing.  And the problem with that is that I can't verify it.  Not without the time.  And a huge part of the issues I'm facing now is that I can't be where I have to be, where I need to be.  And I don't have the means to pull off my dreams, which is terrible because I have the intellect to do it.  That, I suppose, is the worst sort of knowledge and failure.  Cause at least then you know where things are headed.

It hit me just last night.  I hate my life.  I truly do.  Everything I do just saps my spirit just that little bit more.  There's still so much more work to do, blargh.

I think I know what's happening to me.

Joaquin out.

There's So Much To Lose

Or is there?  It depends on what you value.  And what you value depends on you and what sort of life you had, and how you were brought up.  That begs the question, can people overcome the nature vs nurture question?  Are we really in charge of what we do?  Determinism vs positivism.  Fatalism vs hope.  I've got so many things I want to write about, but with work being the way it is at the moment, it's just a little difficult.  Especially since I have to be gone in a few weeks.  February is going to be an awful week for travel.  It'll be a real test of my stamina and patience.  But I'll soldier on through.  I always do, I always march brave.

This isn't so much a partnership.  It's a loose collection of necessities.  And maybe what was said before could be said to be right.  Convenience?  There's a lot more that can be done.  Let's hope karma can rear its head.  And it was true for the other day when for the first time in a long time, I wished I was dead.  The problem is I don't look my age, but in some way, I'm thinking I'm starting to feel it.  I've got 2 more of these left.  At best.  Jeez.

Done.

Joaquin out.

Who Is This? What Is That?

Is everything designed to upset me?  Is this just what it is?  It's a question of loss, and one of hypotheticals.  There are a lot of unknowns, but maybe the field narrows slightly.  The world isn't what it used to be.  But there is an answer for everything.  There just has to be, right?

And what do you do?  In a purportedly Godless universe?  If there is no meaning or reasoning in life, then everything is just random.  There is no accountability, and there is little point to everything.  Can you even afford to be afraid?  Is that the normal response?  What of self-actualisation?  It's all a sick cruel joke, perpetuated by nobody!  That's the worst part of this entire charade.  When everything you know, everything you considered to be certain ends up as nothing.

How did all this happen?  How did my life turn to junk?  Did I have potential?  Did I have talent?  Have I left the land of logic and become creative?  All things considered, it's a little too late, I'm sure. 

What strange dreams.  Dreams of friends and just general weirdness.  People who don't know each other or associate with each other all suddenly brought together.  And me there to not even facilitate it.  It doesn't make sense.  My head is not in the right place, but I suppose it's just my subconscious.  What does it want? 

I've been working hard this week, and I've minimised the amount of work I have to do, but it's still substantial.  So I suppose I better get some of it done!  Also need to plan travel for my next trip. 

This day is just turgid.  That's as best as I can describe it.

Joaquin out.

Duo Doldrums Take Place

While it was fun to get into some guitar last night, it wasn't for anywhere near long enough.  Even with my nails coming out really long like claws, I'm still able to play pretty well.  I'm even deliberately trying some new strumming patterns and it's working wonders.  Can't wait till the weekend when I can finally cut them and play well.  I regard growing nails and playing guitar equivalent to training for fitness and strength by wearing weights.  So that when you finally take them off, you will be even more proficient/powerful.  Though I'm not sure this will work for everyone, it works wonders for me.

I've lost motivation these days.  Is that what giving up feels like?  These dreams weren't worth the brain they were conceived in.  Thursday already?!  What is this shit?!  I'm so busy!!  So much to do, arghhh! 

My issue with snapchat is that I think the system is not decentralised.  You take a pic and send it to someone, but it's not directly phone to phone contact.  It goes to your carrier towers, then it goes to snapchat's servers, and then it goes to that person's carrier towers and to their phone.  Judging from what I've read about the guys who made snapchat (i.e. drunken frat boy jocks), I am willing to stake that their central server saves your personal info as well as your photos.  And judging from how I understand most people use that application, that would not be a good thing for most of you.  If they sell the program to an entity like facebook, they will know your name, your phone number, where you live, what you look like, and what you like to do in your spare time.  Would you want that information commodified?  Used against you?  Think about it.  Think about how you engage with technology.

The internet used to be an exciting and wonderous place, but then the Government got involved with their monitoring, and savvy developers cottoned on to our stupidest desires and impulses about people related information and not subject related information, and it's just become trash again.  How sad.

Do I have enough to say?  Is there anything more I want to? 

Who cares?  That's the important one.  Perhaps I'm just not even thinking.

Joaquin out.

Dream Bloggin'

You know things are going to be good when you actually dream about blogging while you are sleeping!  Haha, it's a wonderful, expressive and cathartic activity.  Though I don't really recall what I was blogging about in my dream, I do vividly looking at my dash and typing stuff.  Those crazy sleep blogs.

It was really overcast this morning.  It looked like it could have rained.  But it did not, it has cleared up and all the foggy smog has rolled in, which isn't good cause this is a small and relatively unpolluted town.  I'd hate to see what a real big city would look like.  Don't even get me started on China and their smog problems.  It'll be heading for us all soon anyway.  I've got the idea that our planet is going to turn into Coruscant at some point.  It's just going to be a massive city planet. 

This body is just falling apart.  I'm not able to recover like I used to.  I also guess I don't have the same mentality that I used to have.  But it is very interesting, all of it.  I think life just continues on.  Even if it is not so announced.  But there are reasons for it.  Again, I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.  What the hell was I thinking?  I guess I could have been a bit more intelligent about everything.

For the love of god, it's only Wednesday!!  This isn't right.  This is a day that just won't go fast enough.  All I want to do right now is go home and just play guitar and write some songs.  Now the routine has changed, and I'll be messed up for the rest of the week.  Wrong turn.  Step back.  Take a look and see where you went wrong.

I'm not sure when I felt fatalistic about the whole thing.  It kind of just sort of crept up on me, you know?

3 hours again until I can get out of here! 

But I'll call time on this one.

Joaquin out

The Moon & The Sun Together

And other distractions.  I dreamt crazy things last night.  And it was fantastic.  I saw the sun and the moon together, shining as bright as ever.  The shadows and objects were moving in strange ways.  And I ran up that hill.  I knew it was going to be tiring, but I kept up.  And then I stopped and turned around when I was near the top and I saw it.  It was like nothing I've ever experienced before.  I was transfixed.  I didn't think my subconscious was capable of doing something like that to me anymore.  It was a wonderful journey.  Though I don't know what it could mean.

From out of nowhere I came up with another chord progression that I'm absolutely loving.  Without realising it, it was an extension of a chord warm up I'd been using for some time.  It's always good to keep trying new ideas.  Then when you can get two or three of those ideas to mesh well, you've got yourself the basis of a good song.  But more importantly is melody of some sort when it comes to rhythm and lyrics.  I should learn some more strumming patterns.  I'm sounding a bit samey at the moment and that's not good for variation. 

Is this what I'm searching for?  Is this what I'm forever searching for?  Just petty distractions to get in the way of life?  Well perhaps.  I've got the right questions, and the brain for the job, but the means is the key thing.  We've bought into this.  Oh lord, today is Tuesday and I have crap to do.  I wonder if there's anything else for it?  I know what the other answers could be.  But too bad, oh so sad.  Hmmm, it is troubling when things like that happen though.  Never mind.  What mind?  No matter.

3 hours until I'm out of here.  But still plenty of work to go.  I'd really like to just delve into an issue on this blog in-depth. 

I'm feeling incredibly tired.

Joaquin out.

A Life Without Faith

This has been an interesting time, that's for sure.  I'm sure I'm overthinking things.  But it sure is nice right?  I wonder if it's indicative of anything wrong with me.  It probably is, but I don't need to address that.  Looking to head off again, but this time for a very short trip.  But there is a purpose to everything, isn't it?  Trailing shadows, a breath breathed many years ago, but still lurking in the same place.  It hurts my lungs.  I'm begging for respite, but there is none.  None at all to be had.

Perhaps it is faith which holds us back in the modern day?  Perhaps it was faith which drove us forward in the past, but everything just appears to be fading.  I wonder if we will ever live in a world devoid of organised religion?  Or will it come back in force somehow?  We are all lost.

I didn't choose this.  I am here, I am living.  And I shall be dead at some point.  And why?  It's all just pointless, really.

Sorry I haven't updated the JRL!  I have had time, but no motivation.

Things are also busy at work, hence the lack of proper posting, but I will aim to change that situation as soon as possible.

Joaquin out.

Can Anybody Tell Me?

What's with all this hypocrisy?  A lot of people say one thing and then portray another thing.  That's the difference between public and private I guess.

Just assume it's always worse than it is.  Is there any single one of them that can make a decision like that?

Just any decision at all?  On their own?

Yeah maybe not.

I'm done.

More later on.

Joaquin out.

3 1/2 Days

That was my working week this week.  If only all of them were like that.  But next week will be a full week.  But after that is a public holiday and a shortened week.  I've already harped on about having a 4 day working week, and how beneficial that would be to society, but I don't think you need to hear that one again.  I'll be indisposed from this afternoon and tomorrow, so blogging may be out of the question, but I will do my best.  What is there for you when you are learning lessons from children's shows?  Deep, hard to swallow ones?

Memories fading in and out.  What's real and what's fantasy?  There's a whole lot being left unsaid.  How highly dubious.  I can't wait to get out of here and just lie on the couch.  That and play some guitar.  I haven't played in two days!  How messed up is that??!  I also think it's time to cut my nails again.  That wasn't very long that I cut them previously.  Maybe I'm just getting older and out of it. 

Slowly plodding along, doing my thing.  But I could do with a shake up.  A real world wake up. 

I'm going to call it there.

Why did you Gunt my fries??

Joaquin out.

Wrench In The Works, Forget About The Perks

Despite all the time left on the clock, you can keep making mistake after mistake.  There's still a lot missing from the bigger picture.  Everything is cryptic and secretive.  There could be half a chance for logic, or reasoning, or explanation.  But not in this current state.  These re-lapses have to be dealt with.  There's a lot of mistruths, and a lot of ways to get off the beaten path.  No news is bad news, cause that was my case, wasn't it?  It could all be so sinister.  What's happening behind the scenes.  That's where I need to be.

My back is still not 100%.  I'll wait and see how it pans out after the weekend, cause it may be time to do some physio to remediate the situation.  Isn't that always the way? You wait and wait for something, and then you get up to it, and then you miss out, thinking there'll be another opportunity, when most of the time there isn't.  The perfect chances, the perfect opportunities, when they could have been more well thought out.  Is there anything more to say?  At least I don't have a full week of work ahead of me. 

Have a lot to catch up on, social media and guitar wise.  Didn't get anything done at all yesterday.  Things are still so busy at work, hence the lack of proper blogging, but I'll get to it at some point.  What's impressing the hell out of me is that I've been able to add stuff to my existing guitar parts!  This multilayering stuff is working!  Now I just have to record some things and dub over them.

Where did this day go?  Where did my life go?  They're both the same questions.  I suspect they both have the same answer.

Joaquin out.

Chaos & Creativity

Do these things go hand in hand?  Can you have a creative life if everything is going well in your life?  I don't think it's possible.  You need the conflict.  You need the drama.  If you want to reflect and grow from a situation, you need to analyse it and pull it apart.  Think about it.  Consider it.  Learn from it.

It's just been insanely busy lately, so not much to write, but I'll have some more free time near the end of this week.

Joaquin out.

Busy (Not With Phillips)

Hahah that's a great way to start things.  Especially with spiders crawling on your head on public transport.  Was a relatively ok weekend, even with the back injury.  I couldn't go to work on Friday as a result. 

Things are just ludicrously busy at the moment, so I'm sorry for the lack of updates and substantive posts, but I'll get to it.

Joaquin out.

Painful Gains Or Losses?

At this point I'm not so sure which is which.  It all just hurts.  I've just rogered the base of my neck/top of my back.  All I was doing was sitting in my chair and it felt like someone had kicked me straight in the spine, but very slowly, like my back was being torqued out of position.  So I'm in a bit of pain at the moment, hoping it goes away after a good night's rest, which I still haven't had yet.  Maybe it's just muscle soreness.  At least I'm hoping it's not serious.  It would suck for me to be in my 30th year and just develop a whole load of health problems straight away.  What on Earth am I doing in my sleep?  I don't even know.  Probably sleep walking.  I'm just not sleeping enough.  Rest, I just need some rest.

Things are eerily calm at the moment, including me.  I wonder how that could even be.  This is turning into yesterday, but with back pain!  Been here for so many hours, still haven't done a single thing!  Ahh, need to change that!

Haha I am gradually getting things done though.  Arghh but I'm still so restless!

Bah this hurts too much I'm going home.

1200th post!  Not bad!

Joaquin out.

Don't Open Your Eyes, Don't Ruin The Surprise

Truer words have never been spoken.  It hit me this morning as I was lost in sleep, lost in dreams.  I was aware and awake but I knew it was early so I didn't want to open my eyes.  I didn't want to face the real world.  Especially since I'm so freakin' exhausted.  There's no time for anything.  It's work and then home, eat and it's time to sleep and I'm already running late.  Then in the mornings it's all rush rush rush to get into work.  Gym is going well.  I'm slowly building my endurance back up to where it used to be, but interestingly, strength is still where it was.  It's funny what stopping anything for a week will do to you, physically and in terms of skills with guitar.  I'm getting back into it.  I've changed my stomach crunch routine to a full situp routine and damn it's brutal.  I can't sit up straight anymore cause everything in my torso hurts.  It's needed I guess.

Yeah so I'm tired, and things are packed at work and home, but I'll get through it.  There's nothing else I can do.

Why do humans like to mock tragedy?  I know black humour helps to get over bad events, but at what expense?  Our humanity?  At what point does it become "too soon"?  Is there a set time period for keeping your mouth shut?  Who knows.

What can you do when even your dreams are hurtful?  They're not nightmares.  They're dreams because they're fantasy, they're illusion.  They hurt because they don't reflect reality.  It's even worse when they give you a sense of peace.  Stepping stones to a destination that can't be reached.  Or can it?  That's what's getting to me at the moment.
You have to seize the opportunities when they're open.  No delays, no overthinking.  Cause before you know it, it will be lost.  And you don't know when it can be regained.  I still have no idea what any of it means.  It's like the truth lies on the other side of a brick wall, and everyone is holding you back from even attempting to scale it.  Life is the greatest obstacle to the final objective.

Here we arrive at Wednesday, and I am looking forward to the end of the week to just sleep.  Or at least I hope so.

Lately I've been thinking about things and then they happen.  The bank owed me money so I was thinking about it last night, and then this morning I realise that the bank has paid me.  Then on the bus to work I felt something bad would happen and then I look outside and some lady just totally trips over her own shoes and falls over and faceplants into the pavement.  It was a recoverable trip, so I don't know how she could have done that?  Am I wishing these things or is it just a coincidence?  It better not be a wish, because I'm not getting what I want. 

Well I suppose I better do some work.  Haha, crap!  It's been close to 4 hours since I've been at work and I've hardly done any actual real work!  This isn't good, considering I have a million things to do.

What is this?  What is that?  When did life get so hard?  The freedom and lack of responsibility of the child, with the means of the adult.  Why can't we have that?  It keeps you on your toes, I suspect.  You can always think of a way out of it, but it's the implementation that's the hardest part. 

And that's it, you know.  That's time.  That's life.  The little people you grew up with in school, they get older.  They become adults, and it's hard to comprehend.  They get married, they have children, they get divorced.  Some of them die.  How does this happen?  Time doesn't stay static.  We will be tomorrow's dust. 

I'll have my thoughts, thank you.  I'm slowly getting there.  But one thing's for sure, I'm definitely going to bed earlier tonight! 

I'm over it, I'm not enjoying it.  I'm done with life.  I want to find out what's next.  And if that means nothing, then so be it.  Walking along two sides of the coin here.  I'm not happy.  I have no motivation.  Do I believe the things going on? 

Le sigh, 3 hours until I'm out of here...and counting.  I don't forget.  It's all right in front of me.

Joaquin out.

Shh

There's nothing to say anymore.  Just slowly going about my work.  It's going to be a long day today, and I'm prepared for it.  Aiming to get an important piece of work out of the way.  Is it just me, or did they make better films in the 1990s?  It just seems like they took more risks back then.  Films these days are a bit more cookie cutter, blockbuster fare.  Nothing really focused on acting or story, just loud explosions and rapid cutting.  I guess with the focus on profit and churning out remakes and sequels, nobody cares about good scripts.

It's funny, we humans.  How we reproduce from soft tissue.  Not even reproducing from something durable like bone.  And yet in that primordial soup is the basis from which we all came.  What weirdness.  And from pretty much the majority of all living organisms.  Haha just strange thoughts here.

Alas, here we are on Tuesday.  It's rolled around again.  Like it most likely will again and yet again.  Forever and ever ad nauseum.  Alienesque.

Just under 4 hours to go until I'm done.  But it's never over.  Not truly.  Progress is slow, but progress is progress.

Done and dusted.

Joaquin out.

Pristine Epicentre

Just idling away before getting into some hardcore work.  Got a busy month or so ahead of me, so maybe the posts won't be as thick and fast as they were towards the end of last year.  I'm also sorry for not updating the Joaquin Rate List (JRL) even though I said I would.  Perhaps I'll get to that on the weekend, and also start putting pics up for that. 

So what's new?  That last week off was brutal.  I just stayed on the couch or in bed watching movies and not doing any form of physical activity whatsoever.  I pigged out, and drank like two soft drinks per day.  Didn't sleep enough, and didn't play any guitar whatsoever.  And now it's hit me.  I'm sure I've put on about 5 kilos or so in just that week alone, and my clothes are feeling just a little bit tight.  Didn't help that I napped yesterday evening and then couldn't sleep at all last night.  I don't think I'm hydrated enough.  But this morning I made a glorious return to the gym.  Time to get everything back on track and lose that extra weight and feel a bit lighter on my feet.  Also need to get back on guitar.  I came up with a brilliant riff in my head this morning in the shower, but now I can't recall it.  I should have sat down with the guitar as soon as I came up with it!  Ahh, I hope it's not lost now cause it was brilliant.

Some things just don't add up.  I could be very wrong.  Maths was never my strong point.  There was a point in my last job where I was on top of things, but that's definitely fallen by the wayside since then.  Now that my internet quota has sorted itself out, I've been able to update my games on steam and I got into some Chivalry Medieval Warfare and I had an absolute blast.  It's so enjoyable just getting some 10 minute rounds in here and there to break up the monotony of the day.  I stole victories at the very last second in numerous FFA matches.  It was exhilarating!

So this is it.  This is my 30th year.  It's a slow descent into death from here.  I even feel different.  Things are not the same.  Where is my life going?  Fuck these teenagers and their quarter life crises.  They don't know shit.  I suppose I better try to get some work done.  At least I get to undertake the 10 year blog intro/retrospective. 

This isn't it.  Things can't slip through the grasp like that.  I could be so way off the mark, it's not funny.  And they just keep coming back to you.  From out of nowhere, I'm not even certain how.  But certainty is not my strong point.

What is it with these fake internet friendships?  They don't mean a thing.  Nothing means anything.  Death is everywhere.  Life is cheap.  All these experiences.  I would like my faith back.  Is this heading anywhere?  There's just too many questions, and the suspected answers all involve many more questions.

Ok 3 hours to go until I can get out of here.  I can do this!

Or maybe not, my brain is mush right now and I can't concentrate on anything. 

And look at that, the computer network is down so I can't work.  Home time it is!

Joaquin out.

With A Vengeance

I do return to blogging this year.  Sorry for the lack of posts over the break but I just could not be bothered.  I spent my time in front of the tv eating like a pig, watching movies and growing fat.  Seriously, I have put on weight within that week and a bit.  My pants don't fit!  I didn't go to the gym.  It's been terrible.  But who cares?  I'm not that concerned with it.  I'll make a return to it from next week.  Just really over everything, as you could probably tell from my last post.  I'm just feeling sick and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Another year of the same.  The same old.

I don't think I have a lot to say.  No gym, and haven't played any guitar in a while.  I don't even know if I'm capable of playing, it's been that long.  I'm also tired as hell.  This isn't good. 

I think this can all be best summed up as ...

I'm exhausted.  I need sleep and alone time.  I would love to write more today, but I just can't fathom it.  It's all just a bit too hard.

It's funny isn't it?  The people you meet...

Joaquin out.