Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Why I hate Mazda 323 Astina's With Roof Racks...

Sunrise: We Won't Get Lost Again

If you have not heard of the Aston Shuffle, please look up this song right now. It may be their only good song, but damn it is a great song. I didn't think I would be one for this sort of industrial house, but this track is just too good.

I really need to regain my focus and concentration. Bring back the hate! I never thought I'd be so happy to be saying that again. But here we are.

Yesterday I had a very weird experience at breakfast. I was eating my cereal, when suddenly a piece of cereal punctured the roof of my mouth and lodged itself in there! Yes, how weird and freaky is that?! Don't worry, I'm fine now, there was no bleeding or pain.

I really miss the only platonic female friend I've had. I've had stacks of female friends but not any that I have been quite close to. And the ones I was close to, I had feelings for. But the only true female platonic friends was a friend that the other and I had a while back. We were close and spoke about everything, and it was nice to have a friend like that. I would go over and sleep in her bed and nothing would happen. I miss that level of closeness and trust that I guess can't ever really occur again. I'd help her with her guy problems and we'd go out to dinners and go have fun in the city. Ah to reminisce like this.

Then she moved overseas after university finished and we just became acquaintances.

Oh Hanson - "you have so many relationships in this life; only one or two will last" - ouch.

You chose a life without me. And now my life is looking like a novel. Onwards and upwards, I am moving on with my life.

So this year is about self improvement.

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Vital Disruptions & Other Grammatical Holocausts

Sitting here for another boring day of work. They pay me 6 figures to do nothing all day. How is that right? I remember the other saying that we are too young to stop learning, and I have to say that I stopped learning a very long time ago. I guess that’s why I’m drafting this up since I have nothing to do!

My life is so lacklustre at the moment that I feel like I actually need a break to go and do something exciting! How messed up is that?

Had a very interesting conversation the other day about whether parents love their children equally. I’d like to think that it’s true, but I guess the realist in me would sense that it’s not likely. Watching Louis ck videos has taught me that parenting is a very real thing, and idealised notions really get thrown by the wayside when raising children. What do you think?

I also had a very interesting debate regarding levels of attractiveness. It was argued that attractive people tend to just generally do better in life. While research does indicate that more attractive people tend to be paid more, I think life in general isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, certain things are easier like
social interaction on the whole, but I think in terms of treating people differently, better looking people are always regarded as stupid. Sorry, that’s my prejudice right there. If I think you are attractive (male or female, not that I swing both ways or bend back to the male way!), I will assume you are stupid and will treat you as such. Cause if you’re attractive, why would you need to have worked for anything, right? Well hey, if you’re genetically more desirable than me, isn’t it my prerogative to make your life a little bit harder for you? I don’t think I’m the only one who holds such a prejudice.

You don’t even know what I have up my sleeve! Boy, you’re in for a surprise...

February should be a very interesting month.

Classic moment earlier today though. I was on Wikipedia looking up On The Line – an awful romantic comedy film with the lesser known members of *NSYNC (yes that bad), and wanted to determine if Emmanuelle Chiquiri was in Lost. I clicked her name and then BAM I got pinged for apparently trying to view “Adult Content”! What the hell?!
Seriously?! She’s just an actress, not a porn star, I don’t understand what happened! I hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me in some way. But I’ll argue it out if need be.

Aren’t short shorts getting shorter these days?! Man, I tell you that I’ve seen briefs on women which actually provide more coverage than some of the shorts I’ve seen lately! My short term goal in life is to confront a supposedly proud mother or father out with their daughter with “you’ve raised a beautiful skank”.

Fun and exciting times ahead!

Joaquin out.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Look At The Time!

I'm very tired.

Shall blog tomorrow.

Marsupial Caught In The Headlights

I'm blogging at a phenomenal rate here. 20+ posts for the month so far, and looking at our better years, we were blogging at a rate of 12+ per month. I really hope I can keep this up.

Why are all the women I know scatterbrained? Too much and you start losing vital bits of information, or that people forget about you? If there is a woman out there who isn't scatterbrained, I would love to meet them. That is surely a holy grail of sorts right there!

There was a guy at the gym who was on the treadmill for like an hour and I got incredibly pissed off and developed an urge to just fly kick him off the machine and then strangle him till he was dead. What is wrong with me? I'd kill someone over something so petty and trivial as that?

Yeah, I'm a curious person. I will get to the bottom of things eventually. Getting better at what I do. Why did things have to happen this way? I'll know, you won't need to tell me. I'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Joaquin out.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Friday Suicide

I think if I'm ever going to kill myself, it will be on a Friday. It just seems so apt, really. I remember once in High School I was walking home from somewhere which was quite far from my house. It started to rain and I thought "oh how great". Everyone has this sense of upbeatness and elation about Friday before the weekend hits. I find it a strange event, like an expected anticlimax. I get bored and lonely on a Friday. It seems right to die on a day like that. I guess each to their own, right?

I'm exhausted from wrestling my personal demons here. I'm starting to act out, but I guess all seems right if it is all about a change of occupation. Haha, stakeouts in the dead of night! I've been lied to by everyone! When the hell did that happen? I'll get to the bottom of this, no matter what it takes. You're not there. Wouldn't be the first time all of you lied to me. Voices trailing off, lights left on with no car and late night messages. How interesting, I want to know what the truth is. Or perhaps my own paranoia has gotten the best of me and I've just gone batshit insane already. I need to get a hold of it before Feb rolls around, because I have some important stuff to do. But tomorrow is not February...

What I love about blogging lately is the unbridled honesty that I can say everything with. I think it's a bit closer to me. Or maybe a bit closer to what I want you to think of me.

Joaquin out...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

David; Tom; Fernando

Names that I despise. I hate everyone with these names, regardless of the sort of person they are. May I do so for the rest of my life.

I have my reasons. What is the meaning of the number 8? Somebody please tell me, because I am dying to know.

Choices have been made. Irreversible ones.

I have resolved to do the blog introspective again this year, as it has been far too long since my last attempt! I'm looking forward to it.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Please Remember This

10:21pm, Tuesday 24th of January, 2012.

I have nothing to say. Did I really have anything of import to say, ever?

It does not matter if I die tomorrow.

Sometimes I really hope that I die in my sleep. The prospect of tomorrow is frightening.

Yes, I do think about death a lot. Why can't it be the middle ages? We live far too long these days.

Existence, as is life, is fleeting.

What does tomorrow bring for you?

Nobody has commented in a post in a long time! I wonder why this is. People, say stuff! I don't care what it is! I'll try to engage if I can. Haha it probably has to do with the lack of posts over the past year, but with this post we have overtaken last year's poor milestone.

Here's to many more posts.

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Is This Really Happening To Me?

I'm on the verge of collapse.

So utterly fucking exhausted.

I really am about to just pass the mcfuck out.

Speaking of - Joaquin out.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Chasing The Snow

Caught up with the other today and it was absolutely great to see him again! It's been far too long. Great pad, great setup. Many a jam must be had and the old hood must be rediscovered.

It's strange - people who kill for no reason, but only to know what it feels like. Disturbing no doubt. But surely everyone feels that way? The only difference is that most people don't act on it! What a world we live in...

Do You Love Chun-Li More Than You Love Me?

Have some pride. Fight when you need to.

Fight those who deserve to be beaten.

Do not be offended if there is something you can do about it.

Do not be weak.

Doing the wrong thing is justified if you are karma's tool.

How can you just stand there and let it happen? I'm so disappointed.

I don't want to be with such a weak willed, passive person. You should have let me handle it.

I don't want to be with anyone.

And all I feel is that insane rage. What I would give for a world without consequences...

Played some sports with some kids today and I think I pulled every muscle in my body! That's not a good sign of my fitness levels. It is indicative of getting older, though.

I need to cut shit friends out of my life. If you read this, think about all those people you know who are like cancers to your well-being. Cut them out. Plain and simple. You do not need them, and if you feel obligated, then don't whinge when things are not fine, because you have a choice.

Joaquin out.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Undressing You With My Eyes

You know I'm doing it, and I don't care what you think. Why bother having lunch with me? I want to put my hands around your neck and squeeze for all I'm worth. How is that healthy? That I really want to hurt you?

How you play with my feelings. Stop making me feel bad. You shouldn't have done what you did. You should have apologised.

This subconscious teeth grinding from stress is causing me major headaches and serious jaw pain. I know what it's from, yet I can't stop it. I guess I might have to take preventative measures someday.

How you let this relationship die. How you let us die. You're so fucking adept at letting things die. Like your mother for a start. That's right, you should have stuck with her. You say all these things you plan to do, but I know you'll never do it. You're too scatterbrained. You need me in your life. I don't need you.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

No, I Don't Have A Gun, But If I Did, I Wouldn't Waste A Bullet On You

The wretched space between finding a saviour and then working out where you stand as 'friends'. It's all so cumbersome and artificial. Why bother keeping up such pretences after what we had. I hate that you meant so much to me. I have to cleave that part of me and refuse to acknowledge it and just cauterize it with denial of your existence.

It's such an antagonistic relationship. I wonder why you retreat into yourself and blame everything on me. You expected things to change, so they have changed, irreparably. That closeness will never exist again and I shall close myself off. Never again.

Yes I have been ignoring you. I don't see what there is to talk about. I don't talk about the things we talked about with other people. So if we're not that close, why bother? Skip the pleasantries and the facades.

All I need is to get over my hate and regret. Just to gentle apathy with you. That's what I'm looking forward to now.

You'll notice the recent weirdness of my posts. I'll keep my reasons for myself.

I'm sure in some previous post I've mentioned my absolute love of catching women checking out other women. It's never a positive thing. They look with such hate and scorn, I actually really get a kick out of seeing a woman's regular face just turn upside down and just absolutely hate on another woman because she is more attractive, or more scantily dressed. It happens quite often if you stop and observe. In fact, I'd say it's more prevalent than guys checking out girls. Weird don't you think? Ahh le sexual politique, how I love these games we play.

I'm aiming to push myself this year. Let's see where we end up.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Foreign Currencies Are Making Fun Of Me

So maybe I gave you too much of me? I revealed it all far too willingly and readily for you, and I know I'll never get it in return. That's the part which is the worst. There was so much more beneath the surface, but you just wouldn't show me.

I will deny you and we won't even acknowledge that we ever knew each other at some stage, and all the words that you said will have been empty lies. Burned everything you ever gave me. I'll save my memories for something worthwhile.

Took the day off work today because I couldn't be bothered. It was nice to just sit around and do nothing.

Short week next week, too. I can't wait.

I need to get the hell out of here.

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Signs That You've Failed

You look at the birthdates of all the people who've accomplished something. Eventually the years start getting bigger until you realise that all these people are younger than you. Your life has just gone by and you have done nothing.

It looks like it's raining outside, yet I know it's just my eyes playing tricks on me.

A fleeting life, even for just a moment.

Jann Arden's Where No One Knows Me is such a great track. For some reason, it really makes me want to play guitar. It's a simple track, so I wonder why that is! Sometimes it's the easy things which give us joy.

There's a lot of good music out there if you are willing to just look for it or to keep your ears open!

What I love about reading a few old posts is that at one point I thought at one point that I was going to beat the previous year's posting total of 79, then I just totally petered out and only got 76! I was so convinced I could do it. Oh well, it's not about quantity, it's all about the quality!

I wonder why output for us was so big during University? Perhaps we were actually engaged with things where we could argue and debate and form opinions on things? When the mind is massaged in such a way, of course there will always be plenty to say. Now it's more of a "meh" mentality and we cannot be assed to do anything really. What a shame.

What's heartbreak? All these rambling thoughts. I should start writing again.

I want my words to hit you like a ton of bricks. Right on top of your fucking head.

Falling apart at the seams, I'm struggling to exist right now. If I could melt away into negative space, that's what I would be doing right now.

Then when I'm done, the idea won't be to hate you. Not to detest you or anything like that, but just simply forget you. Deny your place in who I am. Like you never mattered, never existed. Now that, that is appropriate punishment.

Apparently I am grinding my teeth and frowning in my sleep. Great, now I'm a raver in my subconscious mind. Fucking fantastic. I wonder what I'm so stressed about?

Joaquin out.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Gumboots Cannot Replace Real Shoes

Unless they can adequately reflect your current mood.

Strange dream last night. I felt like someone had stolen my bike, yet I knew who did it, so I went around and tried to break into their place. For some reason, I did this metal gear solid snake style, all covert and stealthy, yet (and don't ask me why), I was completely naked the whole time. I then proceeded to kill one of the perpetrators with a screwdriver to the neck, and that seemed to scare them off and I got my bike back. How very, very strange!

In addition to my Modern Warfare 3 goodness, I am also enjoying Diablo 2. Funny, yes, since I'm on to the bandwagon basically 10 years late, but I need to know how it pans out! It's a very deep game, and I've only just finished the first act - which is bigger than the entirety of the first game!! I still have 3 acts to go, how am I supposed to do this?! I can't wait to play some more of that.

Funny how life turns out like this, don't you think? Used up and discarded, and then promptly ignored. I never thought I would be the one that would have to forget in order to move on, since I was the one who was forgotten in the past. But things change. Life changes. People fuck you over. What can you do really? In the words of the Rembrandts - "that's just the way it is baby". Indeed.

Anyway, that's enough for now.

Joaquin out.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Have You Ever Felt Like This?

This was a question asked in the theme song to a well known children's show in Australia - Round The Twist.

The answer is, I don't know. I don't really recall feeling this empty before. When something similar had happened before, I thought I was going to be physically ill, but I recovered. But this has just drained all of my humanity and there's just a withered shell here before you.

Work has been incredibly busy lately, and I haven't had time to write any blog notes. But what's more, is that I really wanted to blog today, but yet here I am, and I got nothing to say. How anticlimactic.

Right now I just feel like lying down and destroying something. Maybe tomorrow.

Playing too much MW3. Why? It's escapism. I'm not really here, and I'm just sitting there shooting teenage social misfits. And they get pissed off when I do it. I should be enjoying it? But no. Shoot, reload. Next one. Shoot, reload. Die. Take revenge. Vicious circle really.

Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Listening To A Fat Woman Warble

And it sounds an awful lot like the trumpeting of angels.

You, yes, you. I want to be better than you at everything. I want to be superior to you in all the things that you regard yourself as good at. I want to make you feel inferior in all the things that are special to you. I want to take away the things which give you meaning and a sense of self.

The other started his new job today, and I’m looking forward to finding out how it went from him.

I’m looking forward to a weekend of not much.

Got Modern Warfare 3, and I am already hooked, I think I might have to
play it now!

Wow, already halfway through to equalling last year's posts. It's doable! Just making time for my love. It's right here.

Joaquin out.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Wind Chills Right To The Bone

And the mothers weep for the children who will never come home.

I've really got to sing the praises of Soundhound. It's an app unlike Shazam for the Iphone, where you play a song and it will identify the song and the lyrics for you, as well as provide a link to the youtube video. You might be thinking that it's exactly the same as Shazam, but the key difference is that the indexing on the Soundhound is far superior. You can listen to a song on very low volume, from a large distance away from the source, and for a fraction of the usual time, and it will still tag the song that you need.

I've resumed my blognotes, and have opened them up after a long absence. Yes, I have a ridiculous number of additions to Joaquin's Rate List (JRL), available here: . I'll update the list when I have the time, and let you know.

Yeah, yeah! I've been meaning to talk about my car accident for a long time now. What happened was that I had taken my brother in my car to go and get some food. At the bottom of my street there is a T-intersection where I need to pull out right to get to where I needed to go. I stopped and noticed a car approaching from the left, which was driving incredibly slowly and randomly putting on its brakes. Instead of driving like I regularly do and pull out in front to beat this guy, I decided to do the responsible thing and wait and let it go first, since I had my brother in the car.

I let the car pass, and then I pulled out. Further up the road there is a slip lane to the left to turn onto a street going left. The car I was behind went around the corner, so I started to slow down and go around the bend as I looked right to make sure that the coast was clear. I heard my brother gasp, and I felt the impact and my legs hit the console of the car. We were travelling quite slow - probably
about 20km/h, which meant that the seatbelts didn't really engage. Apparently the other car had gone around the bend but had slowed down after the blind point, which I could not see. The angle of the impact barely gave his vehicle a dent, whereas my car was totalled. A real shit heap really, especially since I was a big fan of that car. We only have third party insurance, so the car was not recoverable. For a few months after the accident I had recurrent knee pain, but that was gradually faded away.

Lesson learned? Don't drive to please people! Drive how you feel comfortable! If I had avoided this guy from the start, I'd still have my car, as well as the cash I had to pay for the insurance premium!

Do you know why I enjoy blogging? Because this will always be here. It is a testament to me being here, and all my messed up thoughts. I can die and my body rot away, but this will always remain (barring the Internet disappearing). I take a certain joy from that.

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

And Then I Thought To Myself...

I wonder how many of us are going to hell?

It is too many, quite frankly - especially from what I've been told. What I know.

Save us.

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 09, 2012

Well The Time Has Come

A few days grace in memory of what it was.

Now commencing business as usual.

I thought that perhaps I had given too much of myself away, without receiving much in return, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

I have many things to say!

But not now, because I'm tired! Joaquin out.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Why Twitter Sucks

Too many people I know are following me!
Ok, need to start lying my ass off on that, now.
It makes me uncomfortable.

That's why I love blogging!

Bloog; Blarg!

This morning I caught the early bus into work. Holy fuck. I saw a woman who was just so ridiculously attractive that I was actually pissed off! Haha, have you ever seen someone who was just that attractive that you had no choice but to just hate the world? Not in admiration of beauty or anything poetic or noble like that, but just on a really superficial level. I've never seen her before. Damn, looks like I should catch the early morning bus more often! Haha, not like I want to start off my day in such a foul mood - yes I was seriously pissed off! Like fuck, how dare she be so attractive?

Here's a secret: I hate tradies (tradespeople). Motherfucking dirty scum!! Case in point? I tried to make an appointment to have my airconditioning fixed (which has never worked despite me living here for almost 2 years). I talked to the tradie yesterday, and he didn't get back to me. So I get into work early, and then the cuntfuck decides to call me and say he's coming around in half an hour. What the fuck? Thanks for the notice, you boguetastic douchebag! Then he comes, looks at the filter and gets ME to hose it off. What the hell are you being paid for?! I hosed it off anyway, and then he places it on and says "ok try it out and if it doesn't work, let me know" and then runs off! He didn't even test it! He just took off. It obviously didn't work and I called him in the afternoon. The stuntastic bitch had taken off on holidays and can't see me till next week. You dumb ass motherfucker, now I have to go the weekend without aircon when it's this hot! Irrational urge to kill rising!!

Yeah, I know it's a generalisation, but hey, it's our blog, so fuck you! :)

Last night I found a place inside my heart that I did not know existed. A place of such strength and determination. I will be ok. It was very Lester Burnham like! Hopefully the ending here is going to be different!

Joaquin out.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Half Considered Promises And Uncertainty

Can I live like this?
And other such bad teenage poetry.

What are you thinking?
I would give up everything I have to have some sort of insight into you.

Just some sort of sign, a word or anything so I know you're fine.

And this is the hardest part - the 'unknowingness'.

Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. This simple sorrow permeates through me, as I take each breath with a progressively heavy heart.

What a fool I was, to think I felt this way before.

It's not like it is in the movies, is it? I hope you tell me that it is, and that it actually turns out to be the case.

I can't stop. I just won't.

Joaquin out.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Shut The Fuck Up, Death!

I can hear you loud and clear!

It's dawned on me that jealousy is the only thing that will keep me alive in the long term.

What a scary thought.

I wonder why that's the backup position.

Anyhow, back to the grind tomorrow. At least the other will be back in the city.

To butcher Patrick Stump - "cause this city...is our city....and we loveeee it, yeah we love itttt".


Joaquin out.

The Things We Did

God, the things you made me do.

Things I didn't even know I wanted, but you read me and gave me it all.

Things we didn't tell a soul.

Our secrets.

Stuck in a dream. Release me, because I don't ever want to come back to reality.

I'm talking to you. Yes, I'm talking about you.

Someday you will read this.

By then, it will either be too late, or everything fell into place as it should.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

First one for the year

It's good to see that the first post of the year is happening in good order!

After the shock of last year, I'm resolving to do a lot better. Not for your sake, but for my own, because I need to get a lot of things off my chest.

I just don't feel well. I'm just not feeling "it". I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to see this year out. What is ahead of me? I don't even know. Perish the thought if it's all the same.

Sitting here watching the rain in this summer heat and it feels amazing. I want to be outside walking in puddles.

Something is missing in my life. And I know exactly what it is. I know who it is. God this is all so difficult. There's an objective in sight, and I know what I have to do. And it's tearing me apart right at the seams, and every element that holds the particles that is me together is slowly dissolving and I'm melting away into nothingness.

She knows everything there is worth knowing about me.

Joaquin out.