One Foot In Front Of The Other, stomp stomp stomp.

Cause life goes on, right? Even when I would rather that it didn't.

Sitting here at work bored out of my mind. There's nothing for me to do here. At least with my last work, there was always something to do. I am just at my desk literally doing nothing. It's been like this for two months now. Am I just going to be here until I retire or die? With nothing to offer the world? What a waste.

For some reason, Jonas Brothers - Paranoid makes me feel a lot better. It dulls the pain, and I don't know why.


Was it just about the sex for you? Spontaneous, rough, sensual, sometimes violent, always passionate. But not just that, I could live without that. What I can't live without is our mutual understanding and respect. We got along like a house on fire (quite literally). We wrote letters to each other, we waxed lyrical about intellectual and philosophical issues, as well as matters of the heart. I've never
felt so close to someone before, and now that we're apart, it feels like I'm missing a part of myself. That I'm not really here. I know you and he no longer live there. I hate driving near there, and I keep thinking that I see you in the city, when I know it's impossible. It just makes me so sad. I check the weather where you are now, and I don't know why. I think about you all the time. All the time. I guess
it's a real "boys of summer" type moment.

What of us? What about us? I met her at university. I hated her at first, I found her annoying and tried too hard. We had to work on a group assignment and I at first tried to get her kicked out. When that failed, I hardly spoke to her. Then started the drunk calls and texts to me, and then the e-mails which revealed more to her. Then a few days before my birthday, we were talking and she admitted that she liked me. I told her I knew (it was obvious to me), and said that I had nothing planned for my birthday. She took me out, and without spoiling details, because I'd prefer to keep those memories to myself, it was easily the best night of my life. It was an instant connection, and it played out like a romantic flick.

Soon after, we started writing letters to each other to explain our feelings, and things progressed. Guilt set in quickly due to our situation (she was involved in a long term relationship), and we eventually had a fight. I laid it all out on the table and tried to push her away, but she came back, and thus started our late nights and clandestine meetings and outings. Things were quite physical from the start, but we did not start having sex until much later on, and I'm glad we waited. One November night, I told her that I loved her, and it brought her to tears. It was a very volatile relationship, we fought quite often, but we loved each other intensely. She attempted suicide in front of me one evening, an event which has left me scarred. The choice was mine, I could have pursued her and forced her to break it off with her partner, but I just followed the status quo and she left to go interstate for another job. It lasted just over a year until she left. She left and it hurt. It really hurt. It hurts. It was in so many ways the best and worst year and a bit of my life. I learned so much more about myself, and experienced a lot of other things. I won't forget this, I won't forget her, because it still stings deep. I still love her.

It brought out a lot of dangerous and obsessive behaviour in me. I went past their old place today and was happy to see that he was still there. Isn't that sick? I wonder why he didn't travel today to go and be with her, he has a long weekend ahead. I wonder if he sleeps alone in that bed that I made love to his fiancee on. God, he must hate me. But more on that later.

Joaquin out.