I feel uncomfortable with everything. I woke up this morning freezing and I felt that life did not agree with me. Well I don't agree with life. Why do I need to get up? Why do I need to be here? Why do I need to do anything? There's no point second-guessing. I should just know that I'm wrong from the get-go. But at least my waiting period is done! I can finally talk, and I'm happy to. It's just what I need, actually! It has been far too long.
The tiredness has crept back in and all I want to do is sleep. I can't focus. I can't concentrate on anything at all. Even if it's the stuff I like doing! That's not a good sign. I would just like to feel ok. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing grandiose to say, no meaning to be drawn from anything. It is all chaos. We only try to get meaning from things because we are all scared and lost. Desperate for some sort of explanation so we reach out and cling to anything that surrounds us. That doesn't make it truth. Not objectively, anyway. It only becomes our truth because we make it. I'm not going to ask, because I don't want to know what the answer is. I've aged ridiculously over the past few years. Stress has gotten the better of me I think. It's not like I had strength anyway. I want to just pass out where I am. I'm not cut out for this.
Nobody wants to apologise for anything. At least not anymore. It used to be a show of being mature, being the bigger person. But now it's all about pride, and not showing any weakness, and generally, society has suffered as a result. I've been getting back in to Salon.com and their articles. I first got into it during University as I was introduced by a tutor there. It's really changed! It is now very aggressively left wing, but using a very tabloid-y approach to stories. I think the journalism itself is still strong, but the way it clickbaits people is really a bit on the nose. But I'll keep reading!
I hope I haven't set a new precedent, that wouldn't be good for me. But it would be my own fault, I guess! As per usual. Keep calm and carry on, I say.
I'm really fed up with the hypocrisy of so called 'developed' nations. Australia has one of the worst human rights records in the world. Just look at the treatment of the indigenous population. Look at how we treat refugees. Look at how we treat ourselves. We have handed the government so much power to do anything with information about us. We do it so willingly, and those who dare to question it are branded traitors, or get accused of having something to hide. But places like this are always quick to point out human rights violations in places like China and North Korea, and claim to be superior as a result. It's all just for political gain. It's just for you to hate someone else and regard them as inferior. It's all just grose hypocrisy. We really need to re-think all forms of government, because none of them appear to work. The political economy is a flawed game.
I really hate to beat on like a broken record, but something is really not right with the weather. This has to be the mildest summer we've ever had. I'm even wearing a jumper today, and it's late January! That's not right. Something is wrong with the entire system. And of course, we ignore the problem and get riled about about silly things such as people being persecuted.
You know what's messed up? There's always a big deal when Australians get caught overseas with drugs. It's almost always in a country which has mandatory execution laws for drugs over a certain amount. This happens all the time, because people think that they can get away with it. But anyway, inevitably when people are caught, they are sentenced to death, and the country gets upset and says only uncivilised nations kill people. It all wreaks of ethnocentrism. Here, drugs are a massive problem, because of the way the black market operates, and how offenders are allowed to continue their operations once they're released back into the community. Generally, Australians were upset over death sentences for the Bali 9 ringleaders Myuran Sukkumaran and Andrew Chan, as well as to Van Nguyen in Singapore. They asked for clemency, staged demonstrations and what not, only for them to fall on deaf ears. But in all of this, they forget that they could save the lives of others. Refugees who come and are not criminals, who have committed no crime are always sent back to their nations to face further persecution, or are left to languish in brutal prison regimes in detention processing centres. They could save the lives of these people, but they don't. They want the best for their citizens, no matter how much they've messed up, but they won't give a second thought to the lives of the innocent. I'm reminded of the Barrabas story in the Bible, when the Romans offered the citizens the choice between Jesus and Barrabas.
Just a few more hours. I can't even wait. Well shit, it looks like my afternoon is sorted for me. Not so much fun. Just pointless busy work. It's only 2pm?! It feels like 4pm! Ahhhhh!!! Still 3.5 hours more of this shit to go!!! I'm not going to ask for anything. It needs to be offered. Maybe everything has changed and it will never go back to the way it was. And I guess that's ok. I guess I shouldn't have been expecting so much.
Well hey, at least I had a few good thoughts this week. I got some work done too. I got some guitar in. What more could you want?
I'll cram it all into my mouth thank you. Yes, I saw you. I saw it happen. You can't deny it. But why would you lie? To save face? I will get to the bottom of it.
Joaquin out.
