Making The Motorcycle Mistake

The foundations are crumbling. Another night of no sleep. It's just too damn difficult. I need to go through a whole exercise of relaxation to even get to the first stage of clearing my head before I can think about sleeping. This is killing me. I need to get back on valium. Yet I am forever exhausted, and I am struggling to stay awake at my desk.

Gah, I wish I had something to say! Or that I could do something productive in my down time, but there's nothing. I want to read my blog, but I probably shouldn't access that from my work computer. If only I could remote into my home computer. What I did discover yesterday was that a girl I knew when I was younger has her own blog. She's followed an interesting path, to say the least. The blog post on threesomes was quite disconcerting, but have a read and make up your own mind. exploringtheworldinheels.blogspot.com - I just have to keep in mind that people grow up, and they become adults and get into adult things. I mean I'm almost 30, the world moves on, with or without me.

I need to get my ass moving on other things. Things are compounded by having to be at work. God, just grant me time. I think I'm just lacking discipline, which is sorely needed.

I hope I'm not stumbling ass over backwards into atheism, because that would not be a good outcome. But maybe I'm just trying to discount my own existence from the universal framework.

What do you decree for today? Let me redress things. Things are not fair.

You know, when they first developed the mouse and keyboard combination for first person shooters, I was violently against it, because I lacked the coordination to aim properly and also move. Keep in mind that I had been a long time adherent to the standard keyboard setup used in games like Wolfenstein and Doom, where you're not aiming in 3 dimensions. But I got used to it, and I definitely favour it over the old school aiming method, haha but then again, comparing something like Modern Warfare 3 to Wolfenstein is a bit of a laugh.

What am I looking for? Complex melodies. That's what I'd like to be able to write. Counterpoint and gorgeous harmonisation.

I enjoy Matchbox 20 because they were a soundtrack for my overseas trip in 1999.

My legs are dying from all this return to gyming. I don't know what's going on, maybe I've lost too much muscle mass from not eating. I don't feel like eating, in fact I rarely ever feel hungry anymore. I don't know what's up with that.

This isn't tv, this isn't the movies. This is real life!

What is this life? Youth is lost, and we are forever marching forward unto death and the great unknown. There are too many lines to cross. All I want is forgiveness. To move on and to be friends. Why is it so much hard work to accomplish? Don't say those words, because they're lies. It was not the best of both worlds. What does it take to forgive?

Lines that shouldn't be crossed, but until it is attained, how can I possibly sleep? How can I possibly function? I want answers.

Life, why is it turning into a mundane exercise of routine and boredom? This is not how things should be.

What are the chances of that?  Let's find out.

Joaquin out.