I Was Watching Melancholia

When it all fell apart. I became Kirsten Dunst.

I used to think guano and guarana were the same thing - I shit you not, haha!

I want to play what's in my heart. I'll keep playing.

What do you do when all your efforts amount to nothing, and you're left with no answers? Not just with life, but even the mundane, like work and so on? I don't know what I want to know, and it's frustrating. As others have said, this is a whacky year.

I've been playing High Noon on iPhone quite steadily for the past few months, since I only need about 10 mins a day to go through my energy for the day. As I've advanced through the ranks, I've discovered that I've hit a wall, and every time I'm advancing up, I get hammered by a lot of guys in a row. For those of you who don't know the game, it's essentially a first person shooter where you play 1 on 1 against someone else - however, it's not directly live. Basically you have a game with the 'server' and the server acts out the responses in delayed time. So the illusion is that it's all in real time, but the fact is that it's not. This has lead to situations where you think you have won, but then end up dying, as the server catches up with commands. I'm finding that the learning curve at the level I'm currently at is incredibly steep. Oh well, at least it is fun. Also another funny fact, I now have more money in that game than I actually do in real life! How weird! It's an odd feeling. I know it's a strange thing to say, cause in games you typically have a lot more money than you do in real life, but I find that High Noon is realistic in terms of the amount of money you can earn compared to what you need to spend in order to be effective at dispatching your foes.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling really nostalgic lately. Nostalgic for old experiences, old friends and what not. I wonder why that is? Probably because I'm approaching my late 20's and the stark realisation of adulthood hits you like a punch in the groin. Felt so damn tired this morning, and my mouth tasted like a trainwreck - don't ask me what a trainwreck tastes like, it is just awful!

I'm not a fan of gentrification I have to say. For those of you not in the know, gentrification is the act of wealthy people moving to areas typically associated with low incomes. The idea behind the concept is that the wealthier people can tend to live at a higher standard, but for cheaper. This is good in terms of pushing crime rates down, but I think the unintended consequences are far more dastardly than the positive effect of lower crime rates. Basically, property prices just go sky high. There are gentrified areas in major cities around the world where property prices have just skyrocketed due to the massing of people with money in one area. But this prices lower income people out of areas they would typically be able to afford. What happens to them? They are forced to move to outer areas and struggle to reach the inner city to become part of society. Then they splinter off and form their own ghetto sub societies - but the Government and people in general are happy with that, because they're basically out of sight. That way, the inner city is reclaimed and
it's all a bunch of bullshit really.

My friend just told me she stood for mercy rather than justice. I wonder what she means by that. Is that how you can break people down? I recall from The Tree Of Life that people follow the way of nature or the path of grace. Interesting concept when you think about it. I wonder what kind of person I am? On both fronts? Ah the duality of man, thank you Carl Jung. I had to deliver that line in a play once. Having not seen FMJ before giving the line, my interpretation was radically different. I don't know why I delivered the line in the
manner that I did.

Isn't warfare just an absolutely insane thing? I mean, as a pacifist and realist, I don't get why people aren't more critical of warfare, or even the armed forces - these things are generally shunned. But think about it! You are essentially brainwashing people into killing others, or to willingly understand that they may have to forego their lives - and for what? On paper, the idea sounds brutally sick, but we are not free to criticise it. I agree that sometimes wars have to be fought, especially when freedom and liberty are at stake, but the
majority of wars have been fought by other combatants who had no direct link to the initial dispute. Like wow, "here's some poor pay, I'll cover the costs of your education, here's a gun, shoot some guys, do try to come back" - like holy shit - who would willingly sign up for such madness?! I don't think anyone with a rational mind would do that.

I'm looking forward to going home and eating some really bad food! It's been a long ass week, don't judge me!

That's it for now folks.

Joaquin out.