Just had the weirdest thoughts after I woke up today.
Well I woke up a fair bit before my alarm went off (this seems to be a regular
occurrence on weekdays for some reason), and the first thing that entered my
mind was that "you will die". It's weird being aware of your
own mortality, especially at such a random part of the day. But not just
that, it was the thought of "you will die and there will be nothing, no
memory, no consciousness, no transformation into anything else, not even
darkness, it is just non-existence" and that was just a depressing thought.
It all comes back to this argument of what life was like pre-birth, where there
was no existence, and you had no consciousness. Is that death?
If that's the case, how fucked up is society? There
are so many poor people, so many abused people, those who suffer on a regular
basis. Those whose very existence is suffering, the sick, the diseased,
the starving with nothing better to look forward to except death. And in
that, there's nothing. Oh how fatalistic and existentialist of me?!
Nevertheless, these are important questions. I'm worried, I'm
concerned. But there's nothing you, me or any of us can do about
it. Isn't there so much injustice in the world? We don't deserve to
survive. We fucked things up a long time ago, and now things have gotten
out of hand.
Maybe it's all just on my mind because of my loss of
faith. Well I'm hoping it's temporary, I'm just asking some
questions. It would be nice to rediscover it and get back into things
pell mell, but damn it's been hard. Then again, I guess it was all my own
doing anyway. Perhaps I just don't want to be judged. What
unfortunate luck to be born now, what unfortunate luck to be born in the
past. Why not the future? I want to see what's in store for
humanity, whether I contribute to it or not.
Wearing a raglan undershirt today and holy moly, it makes
such a huge difference to staying warm. The temperature has dropped
considerably over the past few days and I'm basically just staying indoors to
avoid the elements. If only I could just stay in bed! Haha, damn, I
probably should have taken my holidays now!
Getting work done at a relatively quick pace today, which is
definitely refreshing compared to the trials of yesterday! Okay, having
said that, I'm now feeling ridiculously tired again. Goddamn, I need to
start getting to sleep earlier, and to stop waking up before my alarm goes off,
cause I'm just stuck in bed worrying how long I can stay in bed before I have
to get up.
Where are we all going? There are so many things going
on in the world. If you actually stopped to consider all the things that
were going on around us, you would cease living superficial lives.
In an interesting turn of events, it seems that doing weight
training has helped my guitar playing immensely. When I was doing free
weights, my guitar playing suffered, but I've found that weight machines have
improved my dexterity and speed, as well as my stamina across my 6 string
playing. Well I'll be damned! Good for me, haha! I've changed
up my gym routine, so instead of just cardio everyday, I'm alternating between
cardio and weights on different days. What's worrying is that I haven't
come up with any original music for a while. Hmmm, might have to learn
some new chords.
Feeling just a little bit disconnected from
everything. This life even. Semi-Charmed Life.
Just 4.5 hours to go until I'm out of here. At least
I'm getting things done!
Ahh, just 2 hours to go now. But I'm feeling cold and
tired. Can I not just get into bed?? Well I could if I was at home,
but if I was actually there, I would have to refrain from going to bed to make
sure I actually sleep tonight.
Come on! 90 Minutes, I can do this! Haha, most
of these days I guess you're just counting time and passing it with me, right?
Oh man! Just got bad news. How do you deal with
silly decisions like that? I don't even know. I think it's time to
get out of this job. This place is killing me. Hmmm don't really
feel like working now.
What am I supposed to do for 60 minutes??
I wonder what's next for me? I mean I can't do this
for the rest of my life. Holy shit, I'm going to be 30 next year.
Where did my life go? That's basically 1/3, IF I'm lucky. If I want
to do what I want to do, then I've really gotta get a move on. Or else
I'm just going to turn around and my life will be over and it's all just too
late.
Whatever happened to Chris? I mean after they fired
him? I ask myself that question a fair bit, and I have no idea. We
just fell out of contact, and I haven't heard from him in years. Just add
him to the list of people I never saw/heard from again, I suppose.
Whatever is going to happen to me? Well not that I'm
being fired, just overlooked. And it seems to be running rampant in
places like this. Time to make my own way. Think I'll just have to
quit.
And that's that.
