Running Away From Existence

It's one thing, and yet it's also another.  Just a strange night.  I felt like I had not slept at all.  That I had just kept my eyes open the entire evening and then my alarm went off and that was it.  You question why you even should get out of bed, because each day will be just like the last, as will the next, and so on.  What's the point?  It's all wasted.  We all live wasted lives because there's no meaning in what we do.  Our sad, pathetic little lives of no consequence.  Just look at the bigger picture, we are all irrelevant.  Why even bother?  Why do I even have to be here?  Like this?  As I am?  There should just be nothingness.  That's a lot easier to take, because just like this, there is no choice, but at least things don't need to be experienced.  You don't know what else there is, as opposed to this situation.  I'm just too tired and over this.

What a terrible weekend.  Everything was just utterly indulgent.  I ate too much, slept too little, and played not very much guitar.  That being said, I still came up with some new stuff on guitar.  How can this continue?  I'm just coming up with ideas all over the place.  Things have been incredibly busy at work, hence the lack of updates, and also my weekend was just taken up with other things.  In fact I feel like I'm having a heart attack.  My chest is all tense and my left arm is all tight and sore.  Hmmmm.  Well maybe I'll get my wish to not exist after all. 

I'm going back to my blognotes from last week and writing things incredibly shorthand is a dumb idea, because I have absolutely no clue what the hell I was meant to be talking about.  One was that I have been foiled by computer game mechanics.  What on Earth does that even mean?  What game was I talking about?  Where's the context?  I'm sorry!  It makes as little sense to me as it does to you.  How??!  Maybe I need a video game solution.

But I am eyeballing things, and I guess Fleetwood Mac was never more poignant than it is now.  Have I got the time to influence things?  I'm not where I need to be, and I have to get out of it to have some breathing space.  They keep taking things away and making it much harder to know what I need to in order to get my things done.  There's no change in my pocket.  All from right under my nose.

Was I too stupid in how I went about things?  If I had known before what I do now, would things be the same?  I would definitely have a few words of advice to my younger self. I'm an idiot.

I think remebrance day is a crock of shit.  It's basically another excuse to glorify war, because it sure as hell isn't about honouring sacrifice.  If it was, we would never go to war again, and we would stop repeating the mistakes of the past.  I read a quote that stated that you should thank soldiers for freedom and many other things, and I thought that was the biggest load of crap ever.  Thank soldiers for enforcing tyranny and the worst of humanity.  Did you forget about journalism or the rule of law through democracy?  Some people have no idea. 

There's a big thing in Australia at the moment about how the current Government (conservatives of course) are not releasing any information on asylum seekers.  This is not good for reporting in terms of letting the public know what is going on, and the health and wellbeing of people attempting such a dangerous journey.  Freedom of information, first thing to go in a dictatorship.  But where are the journalists in this?  Why aren't they out there getting scoops from people on the ground?  Where are the contacts and whistleblowers?  They need to be more courageous and brave to get answers and inform the public as to real issues.  I recall seeing on twitter a good post where someone said "remember the stuff at the end of the news from 10 years ago? That's now all the news is".  And that's true, we are filled with non-issues and celebrity related pop culture to distract us from the real things going on in society.  And that's a big problem when those who own media corporations support (usually) conservative governments, but generally any government, because it creates an immediate conflict of interest.  Journalists and editors are scared to report on stories adverse to them for fear of losing their jobs and eventually being blacklisted from working in their profession.  We really do need cross ownership media restrictions in this country, in fact in every country. 

When am I ever going to hear back from people?  I've got no motivation for any of this stuff.  I've got 4 weeks of leave that I want to just use up and sleep my life away.  And then death.  Ahhh that would be wonderful.

Interestingly, this blog has picked up a lot of readers lately.  I wonder if the numbers are actually real, cause it's been like a 60% increase in readership over the past 2 months.  Maybe it's all just bot searches and what not, but who knows?  Boy, I sure hope that girl wasn't checking me out, cause it was obvious as hell.  But then again, maybe something was wrong with how I looked. 

On this whole theme, I had a really weird moment either this morning or last night where I just shut my eyes and I just stopped being.  I didn't exist, I lost all concept of self awareness or even feeling.  I was just not there.  I wasn't even asleep.  It was clear and there was nothing at all and afterwards I realised I was fine with that.  I want to go back there.  How strange that was.

I'm done for now.  Hope this has been a good return to form for all of you.  Ahh I just want to go home and be done with it.  Arghhh, 30 minutes!  I can do this!!! 

Joaquin out.