Do You Know Adabana?

Lies and other such fruitless flowers.  The fakery of it all is baffling.  So I survived another unventful week of my life.  The clouds are rolling in and it looks like a storm is coming.  I could have sworn I had things to blog about but I am just trying to wind things down for this weekend and sleep.  I may have also just run out of things to say.  I'm sure over the life of this blog, I've probably covered all the things I wanted to cover, and every new item is just me repeating myself, or just adding points to issues that are generally covered.  So what's the point?  Well I do it for me, cause it's my blog (shared with the other, of course).

So who are you?  Do these words mean anything to you?  Who are the people that read this blog?  Are they just passing posts?  No regard to who we are?  No understanding of who I am?  I don't even think this blog does a good job of explaining who I am.  But I guess I prefer it that way.  You see what I want you to see.  But I don't really do this for the audience.  I do it for me.  I'll always be writing here regardless.  It's my escape.  It's my release.  Anyone else who blogs should also have that in mind.

I'm just tired.  Tired of it all.  What do you do when you get to that sort of situation?  Nothing.  You just sleep and wish your entire life away.  I would love to actually see...crap and I totally forgot my point!  Hahah, I should have finished typing it before doing other stuff, now I have no idea what I was meant to be talking about.  My phrase for the day is going to be "fuck it" just keep trying.

And that's really all I can do at this point.  2.5 hours until I'm out of here.  It's a question of what I want.  My head is buzzing and I just want to collapse right here.  This is a very dark, dark hole I am in.  There's no way out.  Just further in until there's no light. 

Hmm I just feel like playing something randomly. 

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Is Nothing Better Than Something?

So tell me, is it?  The status quo prevails and I am still here.  I don't feel a thing.  Is there noone to back me up?  Nobody to count on?  There's nobody in my corner to throw in the towel.

I'm feeling so old lately.  I'm pulling 30 shortly.  Where did my life go?  Jesus.  I used to be young.  I used to be in university when I started blogging here with the other.  And now look at me.  It all just goes away.  Time just keeps going and we are all dying, day by day.  More of us lost.  It's a war of attrition and we just keep breeding in the hopes of sending more numbers to the front to create hope but this is a fight we cannot win.  What do you do?  One day you're 'it' and you're young and enjoying life, and the next second you turn around and you're old and just over things.  Ahh time, you are the variable we just don't need.  I would love existence in a static universe. 

Going back to a point from yesterday, I really don't like how Apple is now annualising its products.  There's always a new iPad or iPhone the next year, after they've touted what they've just released as a world beater.  That's the problem.  Apple have lost their way.  They have no visionary at the helm, and everything seems so uninspired.  They're just copying themselves.  They're out of ideas!!  Basically each new product is the same as the old one but with something silly attached that isn't really vital to the product or to the consumer.  And therein lies the problem of big business.  To make the products and get out in the world, you need to float the company and sell shares to the public.  But investors want the best return for their dollar, so they'll force companies to keep releasing products, even if they're not the best thing the company can release.  It's all about investor relations and that's incredibly sad.  It's what holds back true innovation and forward thinking, but that's today's capitalism for you.  Capitalism should inspire investment and industry, but it has brought out all our greed and worst qualities.  It really is the bane of the world. 

I've been enjoying a lot of Dilbert lately, as well as garfield minus garfield.  It's a brilliant thing.  I really need to finish my novels though, because I want to read paradise lost by Milton.  It looks epic.  I really should be taking the time to read more.  It's a great activity for everyone, and for those who are illiterate, I feel for, I really do.  For the information of the other, it's currently 11:11.  Spooky!

I swear last night and this morning that I had some great ideas to blog about, but right now my mind is drawing a blank. 

Man I'm even lacking the motivation to live, let alone get up in the morning and do anything worthwhile.  Why am I even bothering?  Why even look?

What I'm understanding now is that my generation are the ones that have been in the workforce for some time now.  What I discovered was that teachers are now putting up examples of mistakes (albeit humorous) from their students and putting them up on social media to show their friends.  Often you can identify the students (and thereby the school and the teacher), and it is highly unprofessional.  Imagine what that child must be going through, and just try and empathise with the humiliation and degradation involved.  That's the problem with people my age, they put everything up on social media, even when they shouldn't.  If your child is taught by someone in Generation Y, follow their social media accounts very closely, trust me.

I'm done for today.

Joaquin out.

In Lieu Of Real Words

What really irks me is that I get the best blog titles at the most random times, like just as I'm drifting off to sleep or first thing in the morning.  This of course usually means I have forgotten it by the time it actually comes to write up some blog notes.  Made the big mistake of having a nap when I got home last night for about an hour, and this of course resulted in the inability to sleep when it was actually bed time.  What's annoying is that I could have just slept through until today during that nap, instead of having to get up and then ruin my sleep.

As a result I was not able to wake up properly this morning and couldn't go to the gym.  It also didn't help that I had the weirdest dreams.  Friends with a bunch of people I've never seen before and interacting with people I hadn't seen in a long time, like 15 years or so.  It's all poison for the mind.

Back to other pressing matters, I have to make a decision about this job by the end of the week, and I still have no clue what to do.  I don't really want to have this conversation.  So many risks, so many pros and cons.  It doesn't help that I'm too tired to think properly.  I've been enjoying guitar, even though I have been playing popular songs and brushing up on my chord memory, and not really focusing on my own stuff.  It's a shame, cause I really like going through and consolidating ideas.  There's nothing that beats the pleasure that comes from combining two separate ideas into one really great idea.  I still need to get a loop pedal so I can accompany myself.

What concerns me about the entire games industry is that it appears that everything is annualised and created to cost consumers more money.  Remember the old days when your Sega Megadrive or Super Nintendo lasted like 10 years or so while they kept creating games for it?  Now the focus is on graphics and processor performance and not so much on fun experiences or compelling story telling.  These days, consoles barely have shelf lives of 4-5 years before they are being replaced in their entirety.  Then you also get games that are annualised, like the Call of Duty series and what not, and gamers are just burnt out.  They're not getting their full value from the $80 or so they put down on these games, especially when game companies expect them to buy multiple games over the course of a year or so.  Time constraints are also a major problem as people get older and have more responsibilities at home, and that's not good for game folks because these are the people who have the disposable income to buy the stuff.  These days I can't really put down the several hours per turn to play some Total War, but I can spare a few doses of 10-15 minutes to play a few rounds of Counter Strike Global Offensive or Chivalry Medieval Warfare.  Cause there's no buildup, you just go for it guns (or swords) blazing, and after some hardcore intensity, the match is over and you can go back to living your life.  Reminds me of my old school days of playing Unreal Tournament during College or University as stress relief.  I'd play assault maps and just thrash everyone.  Haven't played that in a while, but I guess it's not AS fun on new computers because it runs so smooth.  I enjoyed the choppy and stilted action from my old PC, those were good times.  2-3am during holidays just going nuts in front of the fan to cool the faulty computer cooling while getting my Unreal Tournament on, ahhh those were the days.

Life just moves too fast.  There's no time to stop and smell the figurative roses.  Everyone turns into vultures, and they're all too prepared to feast on the corpse of success at the expense of everyone else.

I'm hating this, I'm really hating this.  I think I'll turn it down, there's just too many complications.  Story of my life, right? 

Hmm, I'm kind of reminded of a quote which I'm sure I've botched up somewhere.

Is that it?  Is this it?  Am I watching my dreams die right in front of me?  Somewhere I guess I just lost my way.  But what point was that?  I guess where I was born.  None of this should be happening.  It could be worse, though! 

I think I'm done for today.  I don't want to check my e-mail after rejecting that job offer, but I know I have to, in order to send this to myself so I can actually blog later on tonight.  Blaaargh.

Ok, no more typos!  Gotta start proofing my own shit.  And I'll also have to finish blood meridian!  Damn you, Cormac, damn you!  Addictive writing.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Singing Low Then Singing High

Must be so taxing on the voice and throat, but not like I'd know, because I can't sing.  Or at least I don't think so.  I've never really tried.  I think it would take some confidence to at least start well, and that's not something I have.

I still haven't made my mind up about this job.  It's not a sure thing.  It might put me in a worse situation, so I'm not sure if it's something I want to do.  Or it could be me on to the path of something else even better.  Isn't that the gamble of life?  It all is.  But then again, I guess the end result is the same for everyone - that is if you believe death is really the end of everything.  So what's the point?  We might as well just be ordinary and try to just enjoy things while we can.

I was reading a really interesting story about children who believe they've been reincarnated because they can recall in vivid detail elements of their past lives.  They know stuff they can't possibly know.  They're well informed about things in the past, and it's just really a disturbing and interesting concept.  Very few religions focus on reincarnation, and most write it off as a fallacy.  Spirituality as a broad concept agrees with it, but scientifically speaking, it could have some basis.  I mean, we're all made up of the same matter and particles.  If some of those items are later re-combined and can remember that they were together before, then why couldn't past lives be real?  It is food for thought.  Then that leads to harder questions such as the possibility of karma being real.  No energy is ever wasted, there is a finite amount of information in the universe, so things have to get recycled.  There is a system in place, but we don't really understand it, because the interplay between what we can see and that we can't see is incredibly complex.  There's dark energy and dark matter, and the recent proof of the Higgs-Boson particle.  I want to jump ahead 100 years and see what we do with the information.

Another factor in these children being able to remember things is that they are so young that they haven't really had a chance for the present to overwrite their memories and channel them as new individuals.  That's an interesting way to think about how time works.

I guess we're all still learning and we keep doing so until we die.  But at some point, it has to be over for humanity.  And then what?  What does this become?  What do we become?  Isn't that also a horrific idea that there are no real consequences for your actions?  We're just a random assembly of matter and particles.  Gosh, is it just me or does this thing just keep going in circles? 

Ahh Le Sigh, still 2 hours to go until I'm out of here, and I have nothing to do to fill up my time.  But I know there is!  There's stuff I gotta do!  And I should be learning notes on the guitar. 

Damn, too many missed opportunities.  Decisions, decisions.  Just fucking me over.

I think I'm done with today.  I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  Actually, maybe I do.  But getting it is entirely something else.

Joaquin out.

Soft Synth Shuffle

Hahaha, I don't know why, but that title made me smile.  Who woulda guessed?!  I was actually looking forward to this working week last night, but now that it's here, it's all fallen by the wayside.  It's a bit cold, I'm incredibly tired, and I'm just mentally not here again.  So I get in and realise I have to pay my tax liability this year, which was freakin' astronomical!  Baaah!  Hahaha and it was supposed to be a good week!  But that's out of the way, and hopefully from this year onwards my liability won't be so high because I've paid off my school loans.

I've read that Christine McVie is interested in coming back to Fleetwood Mac!  That would be absolutely awesome!  If she comes back, I'll definitely go see them live, because they can't sing little lies without her.  That's her song pretty much.  And it's my fave, and as I'm sure I've told you, everyone has a favourite Fleetwood Mac song. 

I have an idea for tumblr, and I won't place it on there, because I don't think it needs to be.  Yes, it's avoiding the cliche.  Why can't tags be cross-referenced when you search?  If I want to search for more than 2 tags for the one post, it can't be done.  I have to do it one tag at a time, and most of the time you're going to end up with mostly irrelevant things.  So why not be able to search more than 1 tag and narrow things down to what you need?  That would make more sense to me.  Or at least allow boolean queries for tumblr's search.  Then again, I don't really use that many tag searches.

There's something really odd going on with the whole thing.  A dialogue I'm not aware of.  Perhaps it was all a little bit of too much too soon.  The endorphins from this morning's gym session have hit me and I'm ready to just drift off to sleep.  Doesn't help that I'm nursing an SRI (sex-related injury) at the moment in the form of my shoulder.  Just feels like it's separated from my entire back, but it's not quite dislocated.

What is it with banks trying to help me get more money?  Here's how my setup is at the moment, a transaction account which I run at a low balance to stop me from buying stupid things, or things I don't need.  I also have an online savings account which all my savings goes into.  It used to have an absolutely epic interest rate when I opened the account, because my brother called me an idiot for only having one account (transaction accounts pay shit all interest).  Gradually, they have reduced the interest rate on that online account to barely anything, and then today I was talked into getting another online account with really heavy transaction limits.  So now I have like 5 accounts under my name.  Great, so much for things becoming less complex in my life!!  Yeah yeah, I know, I have money, but it's really not all that much. 

Screw this technical revolution, give me a pen and paper any day of the week.  You can branch off and do whatever.  You don't have to stick to text, you can change to pictures, and do mind maps and diagrams and what not.  No computer or system can do that rapidly.

Don't do what Dony Don't Does!  Hahaha, I'm having one of those moments right now.  Did I mention that I was given a job offer back in Sydney?  It's slightly more pay than what I get now, but the title seems like a step backwards.  What's more is that it's only for one year on contract while covering someone else.  It doesn't sound like what I could go for right now.  I guess I'm really concerned about having a GOB Arrested Development style "I've made a huge mistake" sort of moment.  But I picture it in my mind and all I want to do is destroy it.  Maybe things are a little warped in my mind.  I will not be Gatsby'd out thank you very much!

It's not so great when you get deja vu and realise it's in relation to wasting your life.  I'm not proofing well enough, and I keep making silly mistakes and typos.  I guess I'm just over it.  I need a break, or I need something new.  One or the other.  Or both.  Ahh decisions, decisions.  And I still have 90 minutes until I'm out of here. 

With all that we know about the world, I feel that we're now more inclined to be cynical and disbelieve things.  The magic of the world has faded, and it's affecting all of us in negative ways, don't you think?

Anyhow, I'm done for today. 

Joaquin out.

Pacific State Of Mind

My trip went well.  I had a good time on my own, but everything did feel a bit rushed.  Didn't sleep at all for a good 48 hour period, and I am badly in need of a shower.  But I'll get on to that.  Blogging comes first, you know!  Things were very busy interstate and I worked hard.  But I also got to relax.  Went down to the casino and played some no limit hold'em poker.  Well holy shit, it was intense and seriously hard.  Paid $200 for the buy in and lost it all in 3 hands.  Then re-bought in for another $200 and played damn slow and tight. Ended up with $560, so it was a net gain of $160.  Won't be doing that again, even if I did come out on top. Just too intense for me, and time consuming.

Are we moving to zero hour?  Things have to happen.  Things are just too unexpected.  Burn it all.  Burnt it all down so it resembles hell.  Things are going to be interesting.

I'm still pretty exhausted, but in a way I am sort of looking forward to work tomorrow so that I can blog.  I received a job offer in another city, for a little bit more pay, but it's only one year.  I don't know if I'll take it.  Decisions, decisions.

That's it for today.  More cohesion and ideas tomorrow, folks.

Joaquin out.

Obligations For Hire

Well what a weird position to be in. What do you do when what you were planning on actually happens? It could solve all my problems or create a whole set of new ones.

They are all alike in that way, aren't they? I wonder if it means what I think it does. It probably does. I'm probably making too many assumptions on all fronts. Again not enough information to get all the things I need.

This might just blow it all out of the water. But perhaps that's what it all needs. There's too many variables. Well hold up a second, none of that makes sense. Not with what's on front of my anyway.

I guess right now I have the chance to get away from it all but only temporarily. Is that all I need? Maybe it is just a repeat of what happened with me. That could potentially make sense.

I want to just rest and relax and not have to plan my day and tick them off. I miss my guitar. I need to play.

Look out for the surprise. There's a lot going on behind the scenes. Why do these questions have to be asked?

It feels good to blog away from home though. I don't use blogger+ as much as I should. Probably cause I'm always at work anyway. 15.5 hours until I'm home. I can't wait. Exhaustion has set in.

I have been here far too long and am going stir crazy.

Crap! My battery is on the way out. Hopefully it makes it so I can post this after I've collected enough ideas.

I'm feeling inspired. I'm buzzing. I'm tired. I need to eat. Never again. I guess I make my own way.
Always first time lucky.

How lucky? Lucky enough.

Ill see what I can do.

But for now I'm done.

Joaquin out.

No Change For Good

But the change is needed.  But what can you do when it's been taken from you?  There's nothing left.  Still yet another sleepless night and I'm exhausted.  My body is just so overtaxed and my mind is overexerted at the moment.  I'm of no use to anything or anyone, not even myself.  At least I'm out of there for 2 and a bit days.  It'll be good to just be gone and not have to deal with anyone.  I'll still be working, but working while travelling is always easier than being stuck at my desk in the office.  At least I can sightsee. 

Oh wow, within the space of 2 minutes, I've completely run out of ideas to blog about.  So let's just see where this takes us, shall we?

It's just right there!!  You can see it so easily, but yet it's all still so unreachable and unattainable.  And I have nothing to look at but a fake sunrise.  Are you more concerned by what is not there than what is actually there?  Because it tells a startling story.  There's not enough information to make a call either way.  It's all just rather interesting.  I should be somewhere else.  Am I the one under the thumb?  It's an interesting question.  I don't have the same help at my disposal.  It's not so sinister.  But I'm still here, aren't I?  From one end of the island to the other. 

Hahahah ohhh now I remember what I meant when I was felled by video game mechanics!!  I was referring to that flight control game on iOS.  Damn those change of winds and new runways being required for landings. 

It's nice seeing 40 e-mails gradually reduce to 15.  That means I've got more time to blog, but nothing to say.  It's apathetic boredom.  I've got no motivation to do anything, and it's only 11am!!  How am I supposed to get through the rest of my day?  I should be using this time to learn something at least, but I'm still so damn tired.  I'm sick of being bored, and I'm sick of not having the motivation to get out of it.  I'm so sorry for myself.  I've just got nothing to do ahhhhhhh.

How many freakin' jobs did I apply for??  And how many have I heard back from?  Like 2!  Those are bad odds.  I don't know what you're looking for!

What's with these online friendships?  From instagram or tumblr or wherever else, they are all superficial friends.  They don't know anything about me, and I don't know anything about them.  Anything if import, anyway.  That's what people are relying on these days, these shallow friendships that don't really stand the test of anything.  Cause for most people (and I'm not one of them) of being out of sight, out of mind.  And those people are terrible.  They can't acknowledge anything unless it's right in front of their faces. 

What the hell is up with the airconditioning at work?  It's finally summer, and it's 30 degrees celsius and actually hot.  But work is so cold that I'm wearing my full suit and trying not to shiver from the cold because it's insane.  How much window gazing am I doing?? 

Everybody talking at work does so in hushed tones and little corner office gossiping and whispers.  Something is always going on.  And just look at that!  Waffling on and this post is starting to take shape. 

Arghh, I just want to go home!  Can I figure things out?  Well not with what's on offer here.  Can't be too silly now, can I?

I'll try to blog while I'm away, but I don't think the hotel has wireless, but I'll take my charger so I can save and edit a bigger post when I have the time.

Just absolutely killing it on guitar at the moment, I'm enjoying every second of it.  Time to get a bit more focused with it.

I'm done with today.

Joaquin out.

Deafening Visions

Hahahaha, see what I did there?  Yes, you enjoyed it, admit it!  I'm always so happy and surprised by the wide readership we have here.  Russia and the Middle East count as among our most trafficked readers.  And I think that's pretty cool.

I'm tired beyond all belief.  I slept sometime after midnight and I did not sleep well.  I just want to sink into my corner desk and do nothing all day, but I look at my task list and I realise I have so much to do.  Luckily I've been able to get most of it done.  It is nice to see that pile dwindle.  I'm going to try to sleep early tonight because I am not really functioning at the moment, and I still have 90 minutes of this crap to get through before I can get out of here. 

A strange thought just struck me, what the hell am I going to blog about today?  There's well over a thousand posts now, probably even closer to 1,200 and I'm sure at least 40% of the stuff on here is repetition of already well-tread paths.  But I want to keep blogging, so I'll just keep doing it. 

Ahhh I'm struggling here.  What entertains my mind?  What keeps me going through a big lull like this?  I dream every night about nothing.  Things might get a bit more interesting.  Although I may have been pre-empted and second guessed.  That wouldn't be so fortunate.  Let's see what happens though.  Hmmmphhh.

Joaquin out.

Running Away From Existence

It's one thing, and yet it's also another.  Just a strange night.  I felt like I had not slept at all.  That I had just kept my eyes open the entire evening and then my alarm went off and that was it.  You question why you even should get out of bed, because each day will be just like the last, as will the next, and so on.  What's the point?  It's all wasted.  We all live wasted lives because there's no meaning in what we do.  Our sad, pathetic little lives of no consequence.  Just look at the bigger picture, we are all irrelevant.  Why even bother?  Why do I even have to be here?  Like this?  As I am?  There should just be nothingness.  That's a lot easier to take, because just like this, there is no choice, but at least things don't need to be experienced.  You don't know what else there is, as opposed to this situation.  I'm just too tired and over this.

What a terrible weekend.  Everything was just utterly indulgent.  I ate too much, slept too little, and played not very much guitar.  That being said, I still came up with some new stuff on guitar.  How can this continue?  I'm just coming up with ideas all over the place.  Things have been incredibly busy at work, hence the lack of updates, and also my weekend was just taken up with other things.  In fact I feel like I'm having a heart attack.  My chest is all tense and my left arm is all tight and sore.  Hmmmm.  Well maybe I'll get my wish to not exist after all. 

I'm going back to my blognotes from last week and writing things incredibly shorthand is a dumb idea, because I have absolutely no clue what the hell I was meant to be talking about.  One was that I have been foiled by computer game mechanics.  What on Earth does that even mean?  What game was I talking about?  Where's the context?  I'm sorry!  It makes as little sense to me as it does to you.  How??!  Maybe I need a video game solution.

But I am eyeballing things, and I guess Fleetwood Mac was never more poignant than it is now.  Have I got the time to influence things?  I'm not where I need to be, and I have to get out of it to have some breathing space.  They keep taking things away and making it much harder to know what I need to in order to get my things done.  There's no change in my pocket.  All from right under my nose.

Was I too stupid in how I went about things?  If I had known before what I do now, would things be the same?  I would definitely have a few words of advice to my younger self. I'm an idiot.

I think remebrance day is a crock of shit.  It's basically another excuse to glorify war, because it sure as hell isn't about honouring sacrifice.  If it was, we would never go to war again, and we would stop repeating the mistakes of the past.  I read a quote that stated that you should thank soldiers for freedom and many other things, and I thought that was the biggest load of crap ever.  Thank soldiers for enforcing tyranny and the worst of humanity.  Did you forget about journalism or the rule of law through democracy?  Some people have no idea. 

There's a big thing in Australia at the moment about how the current Government (conservatives of course) are not releasing any information on asylum seekers.  This is not good for reporting in terms of letting the public know what is going on, and the health and wellbeing of people attempting such a dangerous journey.  Freedom of information, first thing to go in a dictatorship.  But where are the journalists in this?  Why aren't they out there getting scoops from people on the ground?  Where are the contacts and whistleblowers?  They need to be more courageous and brave to get answers and inform the public as to real issues.  I recall seeing on twitter a good post where someone said "remember the stuff at the end of the news from 10 years ago? That's now all the news is".  And that's true, we are filled with non-issues and celebrity related pop culture to distract us from the real things going on in society.  And that's a big problem when those who own media corporations support (usually) conservative governments, but generally any government, because it creates an immediate conflict of interest.  Journalists and editors are scared to report on stories adverse to them for fear of losing their jobs and eventually being blacklisted from working in their profession.  We really do need cross ownership media restrictions in this country, in fact in every country. 

When am I ever going to hear back from people?  I've got no motivation for any of this stuff.  I've got 4 weeks of leave that I want to just use up and sleep my life away.  And then death.  Ahhh that would be wonderful.

Interestingly, this blog has picked up a lot of readers lately.  I wonder if the numbers are actually real, cause it's been like a 60% increase in readership over the past 2 months.  Maybe it's all just bot searches and what not, but who knows?  Boy, I sure hope that girl wasn't checking me out, cause it was obvious as hell.  But then again, maybe something was wrong with how I looked. 

On this whole theme, I had a really weird moment either this morning or last night where I just shut my eyes and I just stopped being.  I didn't exist, I lost all concept of self awareness or even feeling.  I was just not there.  I wasn't even asleep.  It was clear and there was nothing at all and afterwards I realised I was fine with that.  I want to go back there.  How strange that was.

I'm done for now.  Hope this has been a good return to form for all of you.  Ahh I just want to go home and be done with it.  Arghhh, 30 minutes!  I can do this!!! 

Joaquin out.

Time's Up, It's Over NOW

Sorry, no time to blog today.

Will get on to it tomorrow though.

Sorry again!

Joaquin out.

Distracted Niceties

Was I paying close enough attention?  When do the mistakes start to filter in?  Am I on to a new life?  Or will it just make things harder?  Do people think I can't see what's right in front of me?

I may not be able to blog tomorrow as I'm travelling for work so no time for blog notes or anything like that.

Not like I had anything to say.  Well, I did, but I'll probably forget it by then.

Until then.

Joaquin out.

Just Days

And it is just one of those!  Days that sort of blend into each other.  You can't separate one from the other.  That's life - a big sludge of just days.  Days where 95% of the time nothing happens.  Then 4% of the time it's a shitty day.  The remaining 1% something may happen.  And I can tell you, today is one of those 4% days.  It's just been an absolute crapfest out there.  I can't ever recall being so under the pump.  It's just been a bad day, what can I say?  I just don't want to deal with this.  I want to just not do anything.  I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone or engage with life.  Just let me slip away and be done with it.  Gravity is crushing me where I stand.

I give up.

I really do.

But a part of me tells me that it's not over yet.  There's still more left in the tank.

Well I don't know how, since I'm running on empty.

Joaquin out.

Light & Heat

Well if light is energy, heat will always be the by-product.  What I would be interested in is light that makes things cold.  That's some physics altering stuff right there.  It has been a very weird weekend to say the least.  Just rushing about from place to place.  It would have been nice if I could do that without a care in the world, but I always had to be somewhere, so that took all the fun out of everything.

Despite it being close to summer, it has become incredibly cold, windy and rainy.  I've already made comments on climate change before, and people who deny it should be killed because they are putting the majority of the population at risk with their insane thoughts.  It's not healthy for a society to have that kind of thinking being espoused by a ruling political party.  Denial of basic facts is not good.  It feels like winter!!  On top of that, the waterproofing from these shoes are totally gone, and I've got wet socks and feet.  That sucks!  Hope I don't get sick.

Does anyone else find that when the weather is bad, the internet tends to run slowly?  I wonder why that is?  Whether at work or at home, things are slow, and pages don't load properly, and I use different platforms and different browsers so it's not a computer specific issue.  Ahh how sad is my life?  Hours in front of a monitor at work, then go home and spend a few more hours staring at a screen.  It's not healthy, it's gotta stop.

I've been reading up on brain training activities.  Todd Sampson recently did a doco on training his brain to learn new tasks.  It is a well known fact that the brain is a lazy organ, and if parts of it don't get used, they start to fail basic benchmarks.  Apparently you can wire the brain to perform optimally up to the age of 30, and then it gradually starts to fail.  I think I've been on a bit of a creative lull lately, so I decided to follow some of the tips mentioned in the show.  One is to brush your teeth with your non dominant hand.  It's a bitch!  Just learning how to use your hand in a new way, and trying to get better accuracy.  It also stops you from auto-piloting when you get up in the morning and you're tired.  I'm gradually getting better at it.  Might learn a new musical instrument if I can.  The other tip was to go to work or come home using a different route each day.  It forces you to be alert and stop auto-piloting again.  I'm enjoying it.  I think it's also starting to pay off, within the space of a week or so, I've come up with 3 new ideas on guitar.  All totally different!  I should find other ways for it to pay off in dividends, yeah!  Although I'm not sure if I'm thinking more clearly.  I forgot my belt this morning, for the first time ever!!  Luckily my pants are still staying up.  I don't even know how I could have done that.  But oh well.  Hopefully I'm just not becoming generally forgetful, that wouldn't be good at all.  Ah and just realised I am getting forgetful!  I could have sworn I paid my phone bill but I just got a text saying it was overdue.  I checked my bank details and see it hasn't been paid.  But I deliberately marked the bill e-mail as read.  I wonder how that could have even happened?

Is there anything for it?  You know, I really enjoyed and miss Red Dwarf.  I really liked Lister's premise.  He was the last human being left alive in the universe, with nothing to look forward to.  There was no hope.  Just adventures from day to day, and that was fine.  I would love the chance for that sort of life.  Just drifting aimlessly, with whatever you want to do.  As opposed to my life now which is just drifting but having to bend to other people's will.

Is there a fault in my strategy?  Am I not thinking things through?  What about me?  Hmmmm.  The days just tick away.  If I had my wits about me, I could get all the pieces of the puzzle, except for the important bits.  And what's so helpful about that?  Nothing, really.  Looks like it's only 90 minutes until I'm out of here and I just can't wait, even if there's nothing to look forward to at home.  But at least I can sleep and nobody can say anything!  There has to be resolution at some point.  Wait as long as it takes.  I'd like to just make things happen.  That would be the life.  This isn't anxiety.  Not even close.  And that's the scary thing.

I'm too tired to function today.  Blarrgh! 

Joaquin out.

Proof Of Life, Proof Of Demise

None of this is working.  It's just not.  There's not even half a game plan, so I have no idea how fucking monumentally wrong I am.  But perhaps I'm overthinking things.  Or maybe I pushed the button on the self-destruct a long time ago.  Is it worth it?  Maybe Chris was on to something.  He was a wise dude, but shame what work did to him.  A compass to know if I was going in the wrong direction?  Well I don't need one, I just know that I am.

Don't test it.  People just have no fucking idea.

Ahhh it was all too quick, a fleeting repose if you will.  But I won't forget it.  I wonder what could be extrapolated and interpreted from it?

But one thing is for sure.  I exist.  I know it.  I am here.  That won't be forgotten any time soon.

Ahh time, you are a cruel mistress.

Joaquin out.

Craving Isolation

No, I don't think that's true.  I don't even know what I want.  My life has degenerated from one of promise to one of errands and the mundane.  Themes of mediocrity run abounds.  What am I going to blog about today?  I'm not sure.  No ideas, really.  I'm just flush out of everything.  Motivation, humour, the will to live.  Well that sucks, how are you supposed to carry on?  I don't know, since I'm pretty sure I'm living a really weird existence where I am just going about my business but not really here.  I'm not really thinking, I'm not really engaging with things.  I'm lost in a haze over here.  Just a zombie with even less purpose.

I'm sick, I just haven't been well lately.  I guess it's just my body failing.  At least I'm not going crazy!  I should be able to put two and two together.  But with the lack of rest I'm getting and just my general attitude, I'm not even sure that's possible.  Is there something else behind it all?  Is this all my anxieties and neuroses at play here?  Everything can turn on the weather.  Blame it on the weatherman.  What I do actually crave is just some sleep and some quiet.  Just nothing.  Is this devolving into my 2008-2009 state of mind?  Hmm I'm not sure, I'm having a difficult time recalling that period of my life.  But who knew what was around the corner?  Wow, just going through Randall Munroe's blog posts on xkcd and I've realised that Anarchy Inside My Mind has been going for longer than that site!  That's pretty impressive.  We've just been going from strength to strength over here.

What struck me as interesting this week was that I came up with two new song ideas.  Out of absolutely nowhere.  Wow.  I didn't think I had it in me anymore, but I do.  And they are good, damn good.  It's been a while.  I'd love to work on lyrics a bit more, but I think a key thing missing from my skillset is melody writing.  Just getting the lyrics and the music to gel, that's what I need to do and I'll be set.  I get to cut my nails this weekend and I'll be playing even better, yeah! 

Not looking forward to quick turnaround times.  Please God, just let me get what I want.  But things are never quite that simple.  Looks like a storm is coming. 

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Collapsing On The Fringe Of Existence

Some will get it, and others will not.  But I wonder where the threshold is.  At what point does it start to make sense?  When do the cogs and gears of the mind turn over just enough for a thought to reach fruition?  The dots all join together, but at some point you have to step away so you can see the bigger picture.  I'm just so incredibly tired.  Why does everyone have tattoos?  And people get them on the most obscure of places like the backs of their legs or their necks.  How can you see that?  Just a total waste of money to deface yourself, and it's going to look awful as you get older.  Some people are vain idiots.

I think I'll be able to return to proper blogging tomorrow.  Things have just been incredibly busy at the office, and I'm always super tired when I get home.  I guess everyone is tired.  Tired of all these lies and lives that we're living.  Oh crap, today is Thursday.  I'm just not thinking properly. 

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Forestalling The Forewarning

Oooooh I like that one!  Just thought of it as I typed it.  Not bad, eh?  What is this existentialism in my life?  I don't need it!  I don't need this existence.  I'm gaining nothing out of it, nothing at all.  Wow, there's just so much to do!  I want to just sit back and relax, but there's just no time for anything.  Not even to live my life.  And I guess that's a good reason for just wanting out.  Out of everything.  What struck me about today is that the pressure points and stress at work are coming from things that really don't add value.  Things a secretary should be doing.  And there goes all my productivity, dealing with ancillary shit. 

Cripes, just looking at my expenses for November and it's horrible!!  SO MUCH MONEY is coming out of my bank account this month.  It's horrible!  How could this even happen?  It's all taxes, rent, bills - stuff I have to do.  That's incredibly fucked up.

2 hours to gooooo.  Yaaah!  I'm feeling incredibly tired.  Just get it done!!

Maybe I just need to take a break and calm the fuck down.

Everyone is just better than me.  And let's leave it at that.

Ah fuck, I'm losing the plot!!!  So many mistakes.  I'm not as great as I thought I was.  Maybe I can just try to have a breather tomorrow.  That would be a welcome change.  Maybe I can just focus and get things done. 

Everything now is plagued by self-doubt.  Was I always like this?  Or has it only recently come to the forefront?  And I'm frozen.  I'm the victim.  A victim of myself in a way.

Or does the good come with the bad?  I don't like that deal.

Joaquin out.

Victory Of Deviations

Another weekend that is not mine, but at least I'm somewhat in control of what I'm doing.  It's going to be a busy one just heading out on the town.  Also have to clean up the house to ensure it's fine for an inspection.  That's a crappy thing about living in this town.  Rent is too expensive, and the rental agents are really anal about inspections. When I was living in Sydney for close to 2 years, I never had a single inspection!  They figured that if you're paying the rent that you're gonna look after the place.  That's how I prefer it.  Much better than the crap we have to put up with now.

I swear I had a lot of things to blog about today, but I have no clue what I was meaning to say.  I was watching Q&A last night which is a show where politicians or various important people come on to talk about important topics in a panel type format, and get asked questions from the live audience or via twitter.  Anyway, last night it was a live show from the Festival Of Dangerous Ideas (a point I'll get on to later).  There was a great question asked from one audience member about how her parents had experienced revolution and counter culture through the 60's 70's and 80's, but her generation (she is about my age) had not experienced anything like that.  And it's true, people my age have it extremely well.  We are more concerned about material possessions and keeping up with stupid trends rather than making life better for everyone.  Why talk about poverty when I have slow internet?  Why should war bother me when I can look up cat photos on tumblr?  We are a fickle and narcissistic generation and we don't deserve anything good.  Too wrapped up in our own ego and self belief, without proof.  We have it so good that we have no reason to band together and complain or try to change the status quo.  And that's why we are doomed.  God help us when the next generation overtakes us, because I think they're even worse.  We have become a consumer obsessed society, where we are more concerned about having things, as opposed to DOING things.  Things that matter in the world.

And on the point of dangerous ideas, the entire concept of the festival is that you're meant to be exposed to ideas which challenge the status quo and are meant to inspire thought and questions.  But here's the rub - there's a CLEAR distinction between an idea and action.  All these hipster pretentious wannabes will attend and engage and enjoy things, but they will not go out and change the world, they will not change how they live.  They will probably forget about it in 2 days, despite thinking they are soo cultured by having attended such an event.  Ahh, how apathy will kill us. 

At this stage in my career, it seems awfully apparent that to advance to higher levels of management you really need to specialise in something.  That doesn't suit me as a generalist.  So where does that leave me?  Out on the lurch, I guess!

I'm thinking how good it would be if we could all be understood and from that just freely communicate?  But that leads to more disturbing questions.  What about the death of langauges?  Languages tend to subsume others.  They're not static, because they tend to evolve over time.  But should that mean we should let some languages die?  I always lament English because it's so cancerous - people who speak it well tend not to speak other languages very well so they rely on others speaking English in order to be heard and understood.  People overseas want to learn English because that's an informal measure of how intelligent and successful you are/will become.  If everyone spoke English, then we could all be understood.  Maybe we could get along better.  Maybe even wars could end - haha noooo, English speaking nations have fought wars against each other...but not for a long, long time.  Hmmmm.  Well countries that speak the same language have gone to war against each other, so it does make sense.

I love how people get attracted to horse racing.  Apparently it holds ideals of privilege and culture, but it's really just an excuse to keep up appearances and get obscenely drunk, isn't it?  Watching bogans pretend to have class while wearing horrible outfits and making out in the bushes.  Ahh, white people, you so funny!

And I'm slowly making progress, I'm getting there.  But does it ever amount to anything?  I wonder what will become of it and what the night has to say.

And in the overextended reach, things will elude your grasp.  I'm not even joking.  Hmmm things aren't ever as straightforward as you'd hope.  I just want to take it easy this afternoon, but I'm foiled.  Or am I?  Hmmm...questions questions.  But never any answers.  This isn't what I need to know.  2.5 hours until I'm out of here, and quite frankly, I can't wait. 

How many people forgot it was my birthday?  With the rise of social media, people don't keep birthday details in important places, they prefer to be given prompts.  Everything else is disposable.  People are as well.  It's not the way it used to be.  I'm getting old and I'm definitely feeling it. 

I'm done for today.

Joaquin out.

And Yet Here We Are

Despite all odds.  Looking back on all my November posts I've realised that I haven't really blogged about my birthday that much.  By which I mean bitch about it, haha!  I don't particularly enjoy it.  To me it's just a regular day and I don't appreciate others making a big deal about it.  It should be my choice, shouldn't it?  There hasn't been a whole lot going on with me.  However, I did get some new tracks down on guitar and I am very happy.  I don't even remember the last time I came up with something new.  If only every week was a 4 day working week.  But this week is a full week for me. 

Ahhh how many job rejections can I take?  I guess if I was talking to someone else, I'd say it's a game of probability and attrition.  Apply for enough roles and you're bound to get something, so cast the net far and wide.  You can't take that sort of thing personally.  It's just one of those days.  Getting phone calls I wasn't expecting and so on.

Haha wow, I guess not a lot to say today.

Joaquin out.