Stress & Anxiety Make Horrible Bedfellows

I think about you and the way you smell, the way you laugh and the way you feel. Then I picture you in his arms. I can't see him because I don't know who he is. But I feel sick. Utterly sick to my stomach. I want to throw up. I could just throw up at my desk all over my suit. I could just break down and weep.

I'm just left asking why are you doing this?

Do you know what I went through for all those years? You worked your way into my heart just so you could tear it out when the time suited you!! You fucking crazy, hurtful bitch.

YOU JUST CHANGED YOUR FUCKING MIND AND NOW YOU HATE ME?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Who does that?! WE WERE FRIENDS.

Now you've found some guy to replace me, you just totally cut me out of your life.

You built your happiness by destroying mine.

So Here I Am

This is my situation.  I was abandoned.  With no warning, no inclination that something was wrong.  Secrets were kept from me and they exploded in my face.  Left for someone else.  No reasoning.  Now I am abused on a daily basis.  You want to cut me out of your life. But I don't think I can live without you.  Why can't you understand
that?  Why would you rather see me dead?

What would you do if you were in this situation?  Maybe I'll have some revenge.


That would be fucking sweet, indeed.

Grateful When I'm Dead

Every fucking second without hearing from you is pure torture. I can't describe it any other way, really. You moved on so fast, and I don't have the full story. I have so many questions, I want answers. I thought you may have been here this weekend, so I drove around last night, and I could not find you. Then I decided to stamp on the accelerator, and hope I could make the bend near my house. It didn't even provide me with a rush. I couldn't feel anything. I would love to feel even rage. But it's nothing but emptiness.

I'm not going to make it. I'm just not. And discovered that carbon monoxide poisoning is much harder to achieve these days - fucking catalytic converters! What the hell am I supposed to do now?!

Noticed a large increase of readers from Russia - I wonder what's up with that? Anyway, hello to you. It would have been nice to visit your country, but I do not see any way that can occur now.

Decisions

Now I must choose.

Life or death.

It is that simple.

It is that complicated.

But you wanted to get rid of the complexity, right?

At this rate, I don't even know if I can make it to August.

Wake Up Every Morning...

Not feeling like P Diddy.  Well that is unless P Diddy wakes up every morning to the sound of his own mind saying "kill yourself" repeatedly.

Fuck.  I look in the mirror, and I don't know who the hell the person is staring back at me.  It's a stranger.  I've become a stranger to myself.  Not just that, I want him to die.  I want to kill him.  He does not deserve to live.

I want to stop waking up.

Yeah

So I blew $50 on getting the full Grand Theft Auto IV pack (including the Episodes from Liberty City expansion), as well as Just Cause 2.

Then I realised, I won't get to finish these games.  Why even bother buying them?  Fuck, I wish I had my $50 back.

Talked to you today.  You told me there was someone else.  Good for you.  Good for you.

It's hard to take.  I'm in a lot of pain.  I hope this is cancer.

I just don't want to do anything.  I want to lie in the couch in the darkness.

That sounds good.  But I can't even do that, can I?

She Didn't Just Hurt Me - She Broke Me

I fucking have nothing to say.

Not Quite Dead

Not just yet.

Just been busy at work lately. No time to write. Still feel like crap. Need to get to the bottom of this.

I want my answers. I will get my answers.

Traveling again for work tomorrow. Still hoping my plane crashes and kills only me. It's bad weather - so here's to that!

Had a hilarious moment today where I saw a girl I used to sleep with, out with her bogan fiance. Total riot. I almost fainted. Luckily I wasn't noticed so I couldn't make fun of the situation. But I do see everything.

Ah religion, what a nice stranglehold you have over us. Only certifiable on death. Of course - that which none of us come back from. So who can verify such claims? Faith, you are a strange thing indeed.  Always think about those that have it worse than you?  Alright, let's take that to its ultimate conclusion?  Is noone allowed to feel bad for themselves?  Is there one poor motherfucker who has it worse than absolutely everyone else in the world?  If he does, then he's dead.  Then the next guy - he's also dead.  And so on and so forth.  It's a nonsensical argument.

I just...have nothing to say. Which is a fucking riot, considering I'm copping that same treatment from you. You're keeping secrets from me. After we were so open with each other. I guess I'm failing to understand where I fit. Can't comprehend it at all.

Just want to go to bed. Sleep. Sleep and never wake up again. That's what I want. People are dying all over the fucking place, and most of the time for no good reason. Why is it not me? Don't bring me into this crap about purpose and what not. Tell that to Bobby Kennedy.

Nothing else to say.

Joaquin out.

FML

Is it wrong that I secretly hope my plane crashes? I'm not so nasty as to suggest that everyone has to die just to fulfil my ends, but can't we just crash and have me as the only fatality?

Then again I guess the odds are impossible. First you need to crash - which is a small likelihood, then I need to be the only person to die - even smaller odds.

Looking at my work it seems I need to be alive until at least August to not put people out. But then again, why should I even give a fuck? It's not like anyone knows what's going on with me anyway. Then again, it's not like I'd tell anyone, even if asked. Just lie lie lie, smile smile smile, it's all ok.

It's weird having other peoples lives in your hands. I guess others take the responsibility more seriously than others.

Joaquin out.

?

Just still feeling awful.

Had a course where I just looked down the entire time and didn't engage with anyone.

I just keep feeling worse and worse.  I just can't escape this.

What about you?  You don't even fucking care if I die.  You're the one who buried me already.

Had an interesting dream last night.  I was acting totally out of character and then this younger woman started following me around and we became really friendly and flirted.  It was kind of like the Emma Watson dream I had ages ago.  I wonder what's with public transport and all these young hotties flirting with me?  Of course, it's not real, haha!  It was very weird though.  I wonder why I was so happy.

Travelling tomorrow.  I'll see if I can post while I'm out on the road.

Joaquin out.

Offended Affronted

I'm still struggling to feel anything.

Life is just going, you know. It's just happening. I can't seize it. I'm too caught up in despair and isolation right now.

I can't get over it, I don't want to.

I'm so fucking tired, but I can't sleep. The mind just goes a mile a minute.

Just trying to chase that feeling - that one I mentioned the other day. Closing your eyes and stilling the mind, and finding that moment of peace and clarity. Of nothingness. Darkness. Is that death? If so, I want it.

Staring blankly out the window, I don't want to be here. I just can't concentrate. I can't do any work.

Other things aren't really acknowledged as they should be. I guess I tuned out.

Going on a training course tomorrow, and I've just figured out that one of the other attendees took a job that I had applied for a few months back. This should be interesting. Especially in the current frame of mind that I'm in.


Fuck off, I didn't want to see your name. Not like that. On something else completely unrelated. Fuck, why is this happening? I hate you so much. How could you do this to me? Say I disgust you? That you don't love me? That I lied to you and manipulated you? Damn it, you didn't do anything you did not want to do. Did you ever love me? Or did you just suddenly wake one day and realise that since he left you, you wanted to be with him and consider him better for you than me? What's going on in your life?

I've had enough of this bullshit.


Joaquin out.

Nowhere To Run, In Fact Nowhere To Go

I feel...nothing.

I feel dead inside.  Like things are just going on, and I'm a passenger to my own demise.

Somewhere down the future.

Putting plans in motion.

Can I just hire a car?  Carbon monoxide poisoning doesn't seem like a bad way to go.

Just had a very close call...

Joaquin out.

Countdown To Suicide

So the truth comes out. You never loved me. You regret it all and you wished you could forget it. You just want me to leave you alone and fuck off.

You won't even tell me what changed. Did he cheat on you? Did he leave you for someone else? Are those feelings of abandonment driving you to hate me so much? Well it hurts.

Breaking someone's heart is the worst thing you can do to someone. I did it to you. And now you are doing it to me. I acted because I had to do the right thing. You only do so out of malice.

You are so fucking wretched. How could you say those things to me? God, you are so evil.

And I'm so hurt. Hurt beyond anything I've ever felt before.

Girls wonder why guys are so heartless. Because girls break them. And the pain is so much for them to bear, they can never really put themselves out there again.

Been thinking a lot about death lately. I've just lost the will to live after all of this madness. I suppose I should start making my arrangements. That moment when you close your eyes and force all thoughts from your head and there is just a moment of clarity, of peace. Of nothingness. Is that what death is like?

Is God on the other side? I'm starting to worry, you know, that there is nothing after death. Just blackness. And that is quite fucked up. There has been so much injustice and pain in the world, and to realise that it is not going to be remedied really cuts me. Am I afraid of dying? No. I'm only worried for those that stay behind. Whether it is God - and I hope it is, because I seek peace and forgiveness, or nothing, it is all inevitable. Life is not worth living for me anymore.

Leaving you alone will make you happy? Well I can't, I just cannot live like that. So in order to make you happy, I will end my life. It is the only way I can get through this.

I will call you before I die. You will not answer. You will hang up on me with the phone I bought you because I wanted you to be spoiled. Then I will be forced to text you. How unclassy, it's so 21st century isn't it? I wonder how you will react. Will you even read what I said?? Or just read it, delete it and continue on your merry way? Like nothing happened? Like I was a fucking figment of your imagination?

This was the only time I believed in true love, in a soul mate. It was amazing and wonderful and it all blew up in my face like this.

I really dislike it when people disregard the dead, such as "oh they are dead, what would they care?" how do you know? Have you been dead?

Maybe I will meet your mother and I can tell her why I died for you. And I just cannot believe this is all happening. Well I guess I deserve it,

You fucking used me up and spit me out. Discarded like a piece of last weeks trash.

Fuck it. More tomorrow.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

What I dislike about banks is that they are so quick to jump on the wagon for interest rate hikes on loans, but when it comes to investments, they are only quick to jump on the bandwagon when interest rates are lowered. When I first opened a high interest bank account, I made not very much money, even though interest rates were high, because I had a distinct lack of capital. Now, I have a fat wad of cash in there and I'm still not making all that much, because interest rates are low! Damn it, you just can't win, can you?

Travelling over this weekend and the next, so there won't be much to say, but then again, I don't really post much over the weekend, since I'm just sitting at home.

One of my pet hates is when tissues don't lift the other tissues out of the box! When you have a tissue box and you pull a tissue out, the next issue should be pulled up through the slot so you can easily reach it when you need it. But the further down the box you go, the less likely you are to have the tissues stick to each other, so you have to reach down the slot to fish out another one! Damn nation! We can land a man on the moon, but we can't do this?? Hahaha.

Fuck, I feel like I'm on teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

There's a lot of talk about impending budget cuts to the public service and what not. I hope it does happen, it's an overinflated large and unwieldy machine. I can honestly tell you that 75% of the public service is dead weight. You can just get rid of it, and make things more efficient and save a shitload of money. I secretly hope
they get rid of me. At least then I'll be forced to do something with my life.


I wonder where you are and what you do. We were quite close, and we used to share everything together. Now you are actively pulling back from me and I just have no idea what's going on in your life. First there was you not telling me about deferring your study, then the story about you warding off some stalker. I have to ask and beg and pry for you to even give up the bare essentials. I wonder if there's someone else, and you're just too scared to tell me? And you are having the time of your life, aren't you? Why do you hate me so much?
It's like those times where we fight and I get upset, and then after we reconcile I tell myself to still myself and not get so carried away next time because I know we are perfect for each other, but I never seem to do it, and everything just gets worse each time.


Joaquin out.

Cause I Just Have To Write

But do I have anything to say? The things of late, especially this year have been incredibly confessional in nature. Well I suppose I have a lot of things to confess, and god help me, this isn't even a mere fraction of it.

I think I've been haxxored! I logged into my e-mail and it told me that I've had IP activity from France! What the hell?! Did someone try to hack me through blogger? Or more likely, it happened through twitter - shame on me for having the same password for multiple things. Apparently a whole heap of twitter account passwords were hacked and presented online. Then again, this has happened before, where I apparently logged in to my e-mail through the middle east. Anyway, I've changed my passwords, so hopefully it won't happen again.

Having a freakonomics inspired moment here. Are charities are bad thing? Well charity isn't a bad thing, but of course I used the plural there. The rapid proliferation of charities into the 21st century can't be ignored. So when you have charities for every single marginalised group, do they end up competing against each other for donations and resources? Well of course, it's just a simple law of economics. Let's take a practical example. Chongville is a town with 60,000 residents. They are all looking to donate $1 to a charity. There are three charities in town - two cancer charities and a homeless charity. Let's just say that all the residents of Chongville decide to donate evenly - so 1/3 give to the homeless charity, and 1/3 give to one cancer charity, and the remainder give to the other cancer charity. That's 20k to each charity. But what if you  needed $60k to find a cure for cancer? By virtue of having two charities devoted to the same thing, they have taken each other's donations down, and the existence of the homeless charity has diluted the field quite
considerably. So, do we only have one charity per designated group? Would things like cancer override homeless charities in terms of importance? Wow, what a crazy Orwellian argument!

There's a line in an Usher song - Yeah, which is sung by Ludacris where he goes "a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed". That is true, guys want someone who is refined and demure, yet an absolute crazy person during sex. How do those two things even reconcile? I was reading on SMH (yes, I see you all groaning out there) about a lady who had written in about being a 30 year old virgin, and whether this would be a turn off for guys or not. So essentially, guys want to have a virgin that they can teach things to (I can only assume it's
a power thing), but the fact of the matter is, they are only going to know as much as you can teach them. I read in the comments that a lot of the guys were of the view that the more guys a girl had slept with, the less attractive she becomes. There's some mixed up notion that equates virginity with purity - whether justifiable or not. Call me old fashioned, but I may have to agree. Yes, shoot me now! It gets me thinking about my escapades between the sheets, and in the car, and out in the open, and in the cinemas with her. She was amazing in bed. Absolutely mindblowing. Then I stop to think about how you came to be so good, and I feel pretty unclean.  But I loved you, and I love you.  And that made it ok.


Do I miss the sex? Yes, of course. But what I miss the most is that feeling of connectedness. That we shared the same soul. That I was understood, and that I understood you. After so long, after so many years, after your troubled past. I miss the fun, I miss the conversations, I miss just getting to know you. I don't think that
you appreciate that I love you. I don't know, when you're online, does that mean you're at work? It goes against what you told me before.


Joaquin out.

Girls Girls Girls...Sex Sex Sex!!!

Haha, no, nothing sinister. Just a pop culture reference to the novelization of Red Dwarf when Lister and Rimmer meet for the first time on Mimas.

As we get older, we tend to see our friends less and less. That holds especially true for those of us in relationships. Why is that? Let's ignore the apparent sociological premise which states that you tend to
change up your closest circle of friends every 7 years or so. Everyone is unique. They have their own idiosynracies and what not. I just think as you get older, you tend to identify these little quirks about people, and you sort of stop deciding to ignore them, and these things start to grate on you. I think you just get sick of it
as you get older, and you tend to realise that you are not on the same level as the people you used to know. You spend more time with your partner, as there is also sex that's available. Isn't it interesting that even card carrying hippies can turn into gun wielding conservatives as they get older?

Here's a secret for you - the first time I ever felt lonely and depressed was in the mid 90s, while I was still a child, and I was playing Bubsy by myself at a friend's place on his SNES. It all just seemed very artificial and it did not leave me with a very good feeling. I wonder why that was? And I guess I can understand why I
don't enjoy playing games very much anymore. Hell, in fact I don't get much pleasure from anything anymore.

Am I turning into a misogynist? Well I hope not, but some people just get so warped by external factors, that they don't even recognise change when change happens. No, I wouldn't call it misogyny. I am looking down on everyone these days, gender is not a factor.  Looks are!

Anyhow, more to come tomorrow.  I can't be bothered with anything else today.

Joaquin out.

I Have No Time, She Has All The Freedom

My life has turned into a living adaptation of Breakeven by The Script. Just another slack day at work. There is stuff to do, but nothing that can't wait until tomorrow. So for now, I shall just write.

Finally managed to install the drivers on my tv card, so I can watch things on there, which is pretty nifty! I also got the hankering to get in on some Just Cause 2 action, so I got the demo off steam, and wow, I was suitably impressed. It's just a shitload of open world chaos and fun! Looks like I'll need to get all up in that GTAIV and Just Cause 2 action when my next pay cheque comes in, haha! I just know I'll never finish all of these games. I prefer tv and movies, it depresses me less, and a passive activity is better for someone with depression.

Maybe I can take back what I said about staying home. It's better than being at work. Even if it does make me quite sad.

Why can't I find a doctor who will just prescribe me drugs willy nilly? Just so I don't have to deal with the pain of this bullshit. I recall a funny flash joke on Family Guy the other day where Dr Seuss featured in a fantasy sequence of Stewie and Brian, where he was reading from one of his books "once the drugs stopped numbing the pain, the sex became even more violent" - haha gold!

Worryingly, I've been getting these crippling headaches lately. I wonder what's causing them? It always seems to happen at work in the afternoon. I'll put it down to just being sick right now. Why has this blog totally become about you? It used to be about me.


Ever wonder what you're truly made of? What you could do if you had half a chance? But isn't every day a chance? You always told me that you thought I could achieve great things, and yet here I am, everyday, pining over you and just wasting every opportunity. Doing the brave thing is so hard to do sometimes. I wish I could make you happy. But then I wonder, could I really? Would we have been happy? Or would it have been hell, would we have hurt each other beyond repair? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TURNING YOUR BACK ON ME? I need to know. You say the dynamics have changed, but I wonder how, why won't you tell me how? The horrible thing is that I don't envisage myself becoming anything unless it's at your side. What power you hold over me, and how I let you, and how you just want to throw it all away. For what? I suppose that you talk to everyone else but me, and maybe him. Hell, I'd think that you probably even talk to him more than me. I guess I will see you when I see you. Heartbroken and downtrodden. I had so many things planned for us, so many things to give you.


Sigh.  Joaquin out.

She Kissed All The Boys & Made Me Cry

It's incredibly sad, and a sorry indictment on my current job that I can be away from work sick for a week and come back, and absolutely nothing has happened. I thought I'd have a lot to do, and I do not. They're paying me an income well above the average Australian wage, yet I am hardly doing anything, and yet there are people busting their butts out there, and are struggling to survive. It's not really a fair world, is it? I've doubled my salary in 4 years. I wonder if I can keep that up? Sold my bike, and just deposited the funds from that, and I'm also expecting our landlord to cough up damages for not making required repairs to the heater. Essentially, I will have made 10 thousand dollars in one week, and that's quite fucked up. I
remember when I first started working, and I was barely making anything, considering living expenses and what not, and now I'm technically rolling in it. I suppose this is vindication? Someone could kill me tomorrow and it would not make a difference to anything.

I've been reading up on asthma, since I've had a disease induced episode of it at the moment. It's not a great affliction to have, it's just so invasive to your life. Genetic and environmental factors play a very large part in determining whether you will develop it, and interestingly, rates of asthma have increased considerably since the 1970s. That's truly terrifying, I wonder what could be behind that? I'm hoping that I recover soon so that I don't have to worry about it anymore, but for so many millions of people out there, they have to live with the disease everyday.

Diablo 3 is expected to be out shortly, which is not good news for me! Doesn't matter anyway, as I don't expect to be playing that when it comes out. I still have to play Diablo 2, where I lost my saved game
when my computer went nuts last time. So I think I'll just download a finished game from the net and then try to finish it off quickly, since I just want to see how the story ends.

Been playing some Shogun 2 Total War, as well as the Britannia expansion on Medieval 2 Kingdoms. Wow, it had been so long since I had played one of these games at the start, I had forgotten how hard
it is to actually get the balance right between building the economy and an army. I typically remember mid to end game, where it doesn't matter how large your army is, since army upkeep will never overtake
the income derived from so many settlements. But at the start, that's entirely different. I'm getting smashed left right and centre, and I've even lost a few towns in both games, and have lost battles that I otherwise should have won. Kudos to the Creative Assembly for strengthening the AI into Shogun 2, cause they fight dirty when they need to! Siege battles are a bit more of an ordeal though, since it really does rely on the adage that you need to outnumber existing settlements 3-1 in order to comfortably win. At least my armies have experience, so they're not as likely to run when they're getting smashed. I'll get there, slowly but surely. I shall wrest control back!

Watched a lot of movies over the weekend, with some good standouts including Wall Street 2 and Black Swan. Fargo, the Disappearance of Alice Creed and Paranormal Activity 3 were a bit more forgettable.

Have you ever done something so wrong, so detestable that you had to keep it a secret from everyone? What do you do when that secret is a shared one? Folie a deux indeed.

Need to check what month this blog started up, so I can arrange for the latest round of the intro/retrospective to take place.


I'm apprehensive as to what your answer may be. You will probably say no, or that you're too busy, or that you just don't want to talk. Maybe I'll need to manipulate you. Why? Cause I want to see you. It's as simple as that. Just to look at you and make sure you're ok. Cause I miss you. Cause I love you. And I wish I did not, but there really isn't much else to say. You're going through on your own pretending nothing has happened, and that worries me. Or maybe it's just what you need. But I want to find out for myself. Why do I obsess over you so much? It's not healthy! I guess Blu Cantrell was right - when love hurts, it won't work.


Well whatever.  Joaquin out.

I'm Wondering What Tomorrow Brings?

Cause I have a question to ask you.

And I think I know what the answer is likely to be.

But do you know what I have up my sleeve?

Things are just falling the fuck apart, and I'm just watching it all happen.

Well guess what, I'm not going down without a fight.  Though the fight will destroy me, I will fight.

I Think I'm Dying

I can just feel it.

How much of this life is a waste?

It's sad that I'm not even grateful for it anymore.

I fell into unconsciousness earlier today.  It was a moment beyond sleep.  There was nothing.  No dreaming.  Just darkness.  Not even recognition of the darkness.  And...it was perfect.  It was what I wanted.  Death.

God, what is wrong with me?  Am I depressed?  Am I heartbroken?

Crisis of faith.  Crisis of conscience.  John Mayer, take your quarter life crisis and go fuck yourself.

Joaquin out.

Preparing For Despair

So I'm back at work, even if it is just half a day. I'm not 100%, but I'm able to function. As you might have guessed, I don't really seem to post a lot when I'm at home for the day. I tend to get my blognotes done at work when I have some down time.

Selling my motorbike today. I do feel a bit bad about it, but I figure that I won't be riding much throughout winter. Besides, I'll be able to test ride some bigger bikes, which may keep me covered in the interim until my restrictions go away, and then look to buying a 600cc machine.


I keep getting the sneaking feeling that things are ending between us.  Not in the old way, but as friends.  Even as acquaintances.  I wonder what you're doing.  I know you're so hurt right now by what he did, and god I want to help you so much.  But how can I when you won't let me?  Did he cheat on you?  I can't believe it, he really is dumber than he looks.


Joaquin out.

Whaddaya Know?

I actually don't write anything when I'm home doing nothing!

Haha sorry, I'll try to have stuff for tomorrow, but no promises!

Your Royal Sighness

I'm still sick.
More to come when I wake up!

The Assumption I Made Was That You'd Be Right

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been sick, and in fact, still am, but I decided to come into work because being at home and ill just depresses me. There are things to watch and do, but I just feel like I'm wasting my life.

I'm so out of it, but I hope this post makes sense. Steadily creeping up on matching the record for most posts in a year! But I'm aiming to blitz it by the end of this year anyway. I think I'll publish the posts of the other that were saved in draft, it'll be good to see stuff from him, even if it is old.

Been playing guitar, and written some decent stuff. Funnily enough, my world has changed from university. Back then, I found it easier to write lyrics, and hard to come up with guitar lines, but these days, guitar lines are very easy, but I'm absolutely silent on lyrics.


Well it's been a fucking ordeal of a weekend, I'll tell you that much. You told me that you split up with your fiancee. The one you have loved for almost 10 years. As much as it pained me to think of you marrying him, I know you were looking forward to the sort of life you'd have with him. What's more is that you were upset at me, and you did not tell me why, and I need to know damn it, I need to know. I just want to help you, because I know now will come the self destructive attention seeking behaviour, which will just hurt me all the more. Sometimes I wonder whether it would just be easier to forget you. But how could I? When it was I who broke your heart? I don't want to watch you go through this crap of acting like a high schooler who just chews through all the guys and has no self respect. But I want to know why you couldn't tell me, and why you don't want to see me. I just want to help you and be there for you, but all that's going on is you telling me you don't need me. Oh, what's to become of you? What's to become of your future and your life? I just want you to be happy! No that's not true, I want you to be happy, with me. Because I can make you happy. I can look after you. Or at least, I could have. How do you get through your days? Cause at least when I had let you down, at least he was there. Now all that's left is you and your anger. You're so vindictive and nasty. If we ended up
together, you would only ever break my heart, wouldn't you? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I wish that none of this was happening. Why does your life hold so much sway over mine?


Joaquin out.