Gunter, Do You Even Love Me?

It's rhetorical!  Wow, Adventure Time is truly fucked up.

Oh, fuck me.  Am I really starting to believe my own hype?  This is a worrying trend.  I'm starting to question what is going on with me, physically and mentally.  Since I was sick at the start of the year, I've just found it impossible to put on any weight.  That and now my brain is becoming so frequently scattered that I can't even string together more than 2 connected thoughts anymore.  I'm worried about myself.  And I still have to be here for a good 2 months without any substantial time off.  I miss the private sector shutdown period.  We almost had 3 weeks off, and I just totally went nuts with afternoon workouts and watching movies and playing games.  I was in a different city then, wow.  What a strange realisation.

T-Boy has gotten me into korean music, particularly K-Pop and I'm addicted to Girl's Generation.  Well specifically Sooyoung and Hyoyeon, haha!  They're hot, what can I say?  Catchy melodies and just generally good music, what isn't there to love??

In hindsight, I should have gone back, just to see what would happen.  But there's a limit to how much my body can take.  Something bad could have happened and I would have ended up in hospital, or worse.  But I need to know.  I don't get my fix until the end of the day now, as opposed to when I took time off and I could feed my obsession almost instantly.

Gah, I am so fucking tired and feeling unwell today.  Just feeling lightheaded and dizzy all the time.  And to top it off, I'm as hungry as a motherfucker, what's wrong with me??  I just want to gorge and sleep.  Is that too much to ask?  I'm just so bloody miserable.  On the plus side, there's literally no work to do right now.

Guitaring is just phenomenal.  I've been playing the other's songs as well as my own and there's just so much potential for greatness there.  Interesting chords and rhythms that lend themselves to vocal lines so easily.  How melodious!

So irate.  So bloody irate.  It's all calculated just to piss me off.  But it is other people's naivete and foolishness that are at play here.  You reach a goal and then you should just let it play out and see where it goes.  What would you do?  I mean really?  Things just get more complicated when it's not just about me anymore.  There are others to consider.  Things used to be so much easier and less complex. 

I mean how much of this is there?  60 or so years?  Does it get any better?  Will I learn to appreciate it?  Do I have to crush all obstacles to my happiness in the process?

And I ask, how could someone be so cold and callous?  How could others get that sort of treatment?  Yeah, just call me maybe, hahaha!  There will be an again.  Trust me.

As the flower of youth disappears and the grim spectre of middle age is upon us, the self delusion just takes off, unimpeded.

Shit, it's only 10:42!  How am I supposed to get through this day?  At least there is a weekend on the other side of it and I can hopefully relax and get some much deserved sleep.  I think that's where the tiredness is coming from, I don't really recall sleeping last night.  Shit, I'm starting to lose it here, I'm just THAT tired.

No hard feelings, right?  They're the only ones remaining.

I wonder why I didn't blog when I was overseas last?  In fact, I don't even recall if that's true.  I'm up to March 2010 at the moment, so I'm slowly catching up, though I suspect 2012 might be an impossible year to catch up on.

It's dry dead heat outside right now, but I can't feel it because I'm in an airconditioned office.  I'm in a weird mood right now.  I would love to go for a walk, but it's almost 40 degrees celsius outside (104 F) and I'm wearing a suit without a blazer, so that would be a dumb idea.  Well unless I could walk home to a cold shower.  I'd like to get out there and explore.  And I guess in a way I did while I was off, but not as much as I would have liked.

Hmmm, next week should be interesting, we'll see what happens.  Confrontation was never big on my plate, but if that's what it takes, then so be it.

We live in a world where people on the roads don't even stop for ambulances or fire trucks, even in an emergency, as you're supposed to do.  When did people develop such contempt for others?

Things need to get worse before they get better.  What am I being seduced by?  I think it's probably elements of my own psyche.

Aiming to get into some Counter Strike GO this weekend.  I love the fast and frenetic pace of it.  You get nailed by someone, and when they zoom in on that character, you most of the time in the midst of their death throes and it's absolutely hilarious.  Nobody lasts very long in that game!

I really like the dark tone and nature of Evangelion.  Is Anno-San right in his belief that children should be exposed to the realities of life as soon as possible?  If that's the case, shouldn't we try to change those realities?  After all, nothing is certain.

I was built up, like a machine.  Just to fail.  Just to break down and be useless.  What do you say when given the chance?  If only I had known more.  This mediocrity is killing me.  I don't like how I was treated.  Amends need to be made.

Ahh, why am I just not feeling it??  It's like a return to what I was feeling near the start of the year, except instead of anger and grief, there is only nothing.  A deep chasm where I used to be.  Coffee and cigarettes, right?  I'm not even granted that anymore.  The anonymous crowd and their ways.  Jesus, I didn't need to read that, now I'm pissed off even more.  It's all just so dead inside.

Actions, how you act, or even how you fail to act can change people's lives, sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the best.  Just be mindful of that, the next time you interact with someone, no matter how innocuous the whole thing seems.  I guess some people fail to realise that.

Ok, now it's 3:30, so only 90 minutes or thereabouts until I can go home and just forget about this week.  Alas, the stress and anxiety doesn't end there.  It's probably only just starting.

Going back over the other's earlier posts and a common theme seems to resonate around karma and fate.  This gets back to the circular argument, if there is fate and no free will, why should we be held accountable for our actions?  Let's take an extreme example where person A hurts, or even kills person B.  Under the law they should (rightfully) be punished.  But then the argument is, if the person was destined to do such a thing, why should they be punished?  They couldn't help it, right?  Well then you could also argue that the relevant punishment is also their fate.  But wow, what sort of a shitty existence is that, where you do not have the freedom of choice to do the right thing.

I can't move on, nobody can.  What did you do to me?

That's it for today.  Probably won't blog this weekend, but I'm sure I won't be missed.  Just want to stop this existence.  Move on to the next one, just to experience it.  This self hatred, I wish it would go away.

Joaquin out.

The Clouds Look Like An Attack Force

Scramble!  But they don't seem to be coming any closer.

It would be easier if I knew the truth, but I don't know if that's something I'll ever get.  But I'll fight day after day to make sure I can.  My time is at hand.  Maybe one more chance, but it would have been all too much for this body to take.  And it has taken a battering over the past few days.  You know, life would have just been so much easier if the truth was given to me.  But I don't know if that will ever happen.

Being back at work is not fun at all.  I'm so tired, despite going to bed on time and sleeping in.  How troublesome, really.  I just want more time to myself to just sleep and forget about the world.

I had some brilliant points to make in today's post, but I can't for the life of me remember what they are anymore.

In other news, I've been enjoying Counter Strike Global Offensive.  Damn, the arms race mode on there is pure brilliance.  Just insane gunplay that's relentless.  Soon, your 10 minute match devolves into 2 hours wasted out of nowhere!

So besides John Mayer, the other stuff I tend to play when not playing original stuff is The Smiths and Suede (Bernard Butler days, of course). 

The rain is falling, but it's as hot as an oven out there.  I'm in a shitty mood.  I don't know how I can be excluded like this.  HOW.  AhhhhRGHGHGHGHG!

Joaquin out.

Da Faq Or Da Fuq?

I'll get to the bottom of it, don't you worry about that.

Why do people give flowers as gifts?  What a waste of money and time.  How impractical!  Oh look, here's something nice to look at!  Gee, thanks!  Doesn't really do anything except look nice.  Has no real application, since I don't think flowers smell that great anyway.  Not just that, they don't last long either!  Might as well just give people some rubbish so they can throw it into the bin in a few days, just like flowers!

Back to work tomorrow, sigh!  At least it's only 2 days.  I'm sure I can manage.  But that means more blogs then.

Joaquin out.

Wait A Fucking Minute

Wait, just hold on.

It doesn't fit.  None of it does.  The things that were said previously don't match up to events now.

What wonderful defence mechanisms some people have.

Lies.

An asshat full of lies.

What's It Worth?

Nothing.  Everything.

Sorry about the incredibly weird post yesterday.  As I was saying before I got rudely interrupted, I think I saw a crime being committed.  There was some junkie scumbag walking around with a screwdriver and putting it into people's car locks.  I was a little bit apprehensive to confront him lest he pull out a used needle on me or something.  So anyway I walk back to find some people to help me and these two bouncers just ignored me and told me to walk off and call the police.  I can't believe people are so blasé about crime.  That sort of attitude only leads to this sort of behaviour flourishing and going ignored.

Well I waited around for the guy to come back so I could get a better look at him, which he did, and he had some woman with him.  I again didn't confront them cause I was a little too shitscared (no point in trying to be a hero, right?).  But I passed by a fire station and let the people in there know, and they said they would alert the cops, so I'm happy to have done my part.  Wow, just wow.  Society is a fucked up place man.

Ok, resuming regular transmission now.


From here on in we play the waiting game, I suppose.  I mean could I be naive to assume it has something to do with me?  But here I am.  And yet there's still nothing.  No explanation, no justification.  Just a bunch of lies, stories and inexcusable behaviour.  It depends on my ability to count, I guess.  2 is easier than 3.  What's the nature of karma?  I recall the other having mentioned that when bad things happen, even worse things tend to spiral out from that, whereas good things only lead to marginally better things, and that does not occur all the time.  Maybe reality is just a series of random events.  That would be truly fucked up.  You know what you did, why even ask the question?  But still, a cavalcade of questions more to come, I suppose.

I watched the King of Kong yesterday.  Man I feel awful for Steve Wiebe.  Somebody give that guy a break!  I love his piano playing.  He also seems like a nice sweet guy.  What's happening to him is the epitome of what I think is wrong with America.  A good, honest hard working and talented guy who does not credit for what he does, while a massive empire works tirelessly to screw him over.

I'm going to try blogging over the entire day while I'm home.  Should be good for a larf.

It's gotten so hot lately that I've had to start sleeping with the fan on, which is always lovely.  I like the hum of it, it's soothing.  Haha I guess it's like being back in the womb?  Feeling good.  Hit the gym for some hardcore exercise, showered and feeling like a million bucks.  Looks like a storm is coming in though, it would cap off a beautiful day.

Now the question arises, what am I going to do with my day tomorrow?  Haven't figured anything out.  Well I'm going to watch a movie now, so hopefully more to blog about later.

I think caffeine is the worst drug in the history of the world.  Yes, alcohol is bad because it's so widely used and leads to so much trouble, but caffeine is so ingrained into western culture that people cannot function without it on most days.  I use it only when I need to, like when I have to be alert for an extended period, not just to do my work at work or just to be 'awake' to exist.  This I hate because I always fail to sleep properly.  So it's not just one day ruined, it's usually 2.

And hey, just like that it's raining!  Nice.  That's alright, I love it, and I have no major plans this evening, just to watch some more movies and relax.

So why delay?  Let's get to it!

Joaquin out.

Awareness

It was my own stupidity that got me here. Now I have to use my brain to figure things out. Let's see how that goes. I wish I was smarter about such things. Now the scout motto is stuck in my head.

Not blogging so much on my time off. Just enjoying being alive and going to the gym and watching movies. Not even playing games. It's actually quite nice!

In terms of the blog read through I'm up to the latter parts of 2006 and I'm loving it. There has been plenty of food for thought and ideas I would love to expand upon. Alas, I have not been reading them with blog notes open, so I can't make any further comments.

Oh well, maybe next time.

Holy fuck! I think I just saw a crime
Being committed! Umm ok let me figure something out before I collect my thoughts

I'm Unable To Count To 3

Or so it seems.

Just thought I'd make you aware of that for now.

Things could be so much easier.  But as per usual, I've taken the hard route.

Back Again!

Hahaha, I hope some of you out there have played Athlete Kings on the Sega Saturn. The Chinese competitor would always say that, I don't know why they made her say that all the time! Haha, it was incredibly annoying.

But yes, I am back again. Was majorly ill the other day and didn't go to work, so that put the blog out of the question, and then returning to work yesterday, things were quite busy and I didn't have the time to get anything else done.

Don't know what's wrong with me, just been too tired to do anything. Lacking motivation, stamina or anything really. Haha, that didn't stop me from buying Counter Strike Global Offensive and Unreal Tournament the other day. That's great though, I think it'll be my last set of purchases for a while. Even when new stuff like GTA 5 comes out, I'll probably wait till everyone is sick of it and it comes down in price, then I'll get it.

I'm taking a few days just to relax and recharge my batteries. Just planning to sit on the couch and watch movies for a while. That will make me feel better. Or at least I hope it will.

Wooo, did I mention that I'm up to April 2005 in the blog intro/retrospective? Well I am! I used to do a year per day, but I think that's bordering on the ridiculous now, considering how much I need to get through. I'm now finding a month per day is much easier to handle. Though I must admit that I am enjoying going back to read all the old posts. You could say it was self-indulgent, but I enjoy reading the other's posts as much as I like reading my own.

How do they know that? How could they know that?? It's all a bit disconcerting. Where do these little white lies get us? Pass it on the left side, pass it on the right side. The net result is the same. Snorting forgetfulness by the gram. There hasn't been a single day, no there hasn't been a single one.

Had an epic session with guitar last night, it was thoroughly enjoyable. My memory retention and chord skill has gotten so much better since starting my new regime. I'm going to cut my nails on the weekend and it's going to be even better.

Urghhh where is my life heading? Who cares, I can figure it out later.

Fuck FUCK FUCK!  It's going to be a bad weekend, isn't it??!  AHHHHH!!!!

Joaquin out.

Sick, So Sick

Yes, I'm actually too sick to blog.

But I promise more to come when I'm better and I have the time.

Joaquin out.

Washed Away

It's been an unusually busy morning today, and I was snowed under with work. But have gotten on top of those issues, and now I can blog well for the remainder of the morning. Won't be a long one though, as I have meetings all through the afternoon, and I'm busy tonight, wasting my time with the cultural elite and the bourgoisie snobs that I hate, but am apparently a part of.

Why do people treat me in such a way? It's not nice. It's like I'm fading from existence.

I wonder why the human body or even mind power fades when it's not being used. I didn't go to the gym for only 2 days, I went today and I felt like I was dying. Then I also played guitar last night, after probably a weekend of neglect (I'm sorry!) and I played very poorly. Some days you have it, other days you don't, regardless of how much you practice.

It hit me a little earlier that I've turned into a corporate zombie. I'm not mindful of myself, or who I am or what I'm doing. I just do it without question. A friend on facebook recently put up pictures relating to education and how society rewards people who can remember and recite and regurgitate information they don't understand. And we call these people apparently smart. Especially when you're too stupid to know any different.

Been slowly getting through the blog intro/retrospective. Up to March 2005 at the moment, and boy I am worried that there seems to be a lot of events I blogged about which I cannot remember anymore. But there are also a lot of good memories in there.

You know what I'm looking forward to most when I get home? Eating a banana! Haha yes, I'm actually craving it. Fruit is always welcome, especially when it's so easy to come by these days. Not like earlier times where certain fruits could only be imported in season, and were incredibly expensive, or that you had to actually go out and pick the fruit yourself!

God, I am zoning out like a motherfucker here. How am I meant to keep my shit together for this evening? Haha, I suppose I can just fall asleep in my food, and at least I won't be too far from home.

Haha what was the point of this post? I don't know.

How do you know? How does anyone know? It's all speculative I say.

Joaquin out.

What Is This?

Having a David After Dentist moment right now at work. Had one hell of a night. Because of a crazy weekend with too much caffiene, I napped a fair bit all over the place. Then last night I could not sleep, and I was up for like an hour because my body clock has totally changed. By the way, if you have not seen David after dentist, I highly recommend that you Youtube it now, because I think it's a perfect post-modern dissection of society. He asks some very challenging and confronting questions. Interpretation is in the eye of the beholder.

I really dislike that street and all the bad memories it brings. Can't even walk down there, at least I am not situated anywhere near it anymore.

Perhaps the other city brings out the better side of me. But I am here now and there's nothing I can do about it.

Arghh, I am struggling not to just pass out on my desk right now! At least there's stuff to do for a change!
Weekends are getting weirder. I've found that I sleep a lot more than I used to, especially in the day, because I can no longer sleep long hours during the night. I wonder what's going on? Perhaps it's just a by-product of getting older.

I know I change this list every couple of years, but the two best games I've ever played are Final Fantasy 7 and Panzer Dragoon 2. They both transport you to very different worlds where they utterly consume you. Panzer Dragoon I loved for the music, art style, and the insurmountable odds you face in taking on a whole empire singlehandedly. I love FF7 because it's brilliant. The bit where you escape Shinra HQ in the dead of night after finding out your locks are all open, there's no music and it's scary as hell?! I LOVED it. FF8 I didn't enjoy so much, in fact I found it quite depressing at times, and I don't like to think about it. I was helped along with FF7 by a strategy guide by Joe Winiarski (I hope I've spelled it correctly), who had the best strategy guide I've ever seen. Well summarised in places, and very detailed in other places, it was brilliant. Had pictures and diagrams and explained things in very descriptive terms, so you'd never be lost. From memory, I don't think the guide exists anymore. Joe, if you're out there, please upload it again, it was awesome!

I wonder what stage of freudian juvenile development I am stuck in? Haha, then again, outside of oral and anal, I don't even know what the other stages are, or if there are even any other stages!!

The more I think about it, the more I realise I could do with a holiday. Even away from games, hell, maybe even away from guitar. Just something different, where I'm forced to shutdown.

I can't wait for the end of the day.

That's it for now.

Joaquin out.

The Times...They Are A Moving On

The face of the world changes.  It's just the nature of the world.  The status quo is never around for too long in the grand scheme of things.

Power shifts.  In previous times it was the roman empire.  Ottoman at others.  Mongolian etc.  With the West in charge at the moment, it's not a guaranteed thing in the future.

It's just the way of the world that the balance of power shifts to other areas, and as we're starting to be told now, this is apparently the Asian century.  So we'll see how Asia handles things in terms of power and responsibility, and how the rest of the world responds in kind.

In fact, the face of the world itself is changing.  In the West, white people will gradually become the minority. As non-white people are breeding at a faster rate and populating more, it stands to reason that interracial marriages will increase and white people will gradually fade away, as white skin is a recessive trait, genetically speaking.  Not being white, I'm not sure how I would take the extinction of my 'skin colour' but I think the important thing to take away is that we are all people, regardless of our skin colour and what not.

I wish I wasn't born now.  I would love to see how things are in the future.  But of course that is meaningless without being able to see into the past and notice how far we've come.

But that's enough for this time of the night.

Joaquin out.

The Emperor's New Moves

Got me feeling all paranoid.

Haha, hope you enjoyed my morning blog from the bus this morning.

I'm just so tired and run down, and to me it seems like everyone else I know is in the same boat. I wonder what's going on with that?

Didn't really get to play a lot of guitar last night, but I am raring to go this weekend. Maybe even work on some new stuff.

Also lacking in stuff to talk about today, so it may have to be a short one, but we'll see.

Don't ever get so attached to wikipedia pages! You'll find that over time the information changes, and when you go back to a page that you think you're relatively familiar with, a whole new slew of information will be on there.

What I'll never understand is the need for selfies on social media. Girls aren't the only ones who do this, guys are guilty as well. What's the deal?! I do think they're a cry for attention and approval from other people, rather than seeking happiness from within yourselves. What horrible insecurities to have.

One thing I dislike about the lost and the damned episode of GTA IV is that I hate using the chopper to get around as Johnny! I preferred sports cars when I was playing the regular IV as Niko. The bikes (especially the sports bikes) were difficult to control and handled nothing like real world bikes.

In fact, you know I think the game with the best driving physics has to be Driver? Well most likely Driver 2. I used to just turn it on and drive in Chicago, and I'd love it. Well that and Rio, god it was fantastic. It wasn't like Need For Speed where you could turn 90 degrees going 180 km/h or something crazy like that. You had to brake to take corners, and weight and intertia heavily impacted your turning ability at speed. In that regard, I think it was even better than Gran Turismo.

What's on the outside of space? Is there nothing? Like on the edge of the universe? Is it so infinitely dense and curved that you would just re-appear on the other side? Or you can't actually physically cross it because it's 'nothing' - like a void made of rubber that contains no matter or anything like that?

Will be getting Unreal Tournament Game of the Year edition shortly, I cannot wait! Had many a grand match, while listening to 'the take's over, the break's over' on repeat. Good times, good times!

Wow, everything dies. Everything dies. Everything. It's soul sucking.

Audiobooks - waste of time. It's for lazy people who can't be botehred to actually READ a book. What I don't like is how certain audiobooks cut out chapters and plot points from the actual book. Why??!! Silly.

We are all so small in the scheme of things.

I have no time for people who cannot plan ahead. Those who can't deal with long term plans and get distracted by things immediately in front of them. How shallow and selfish.

I'm starting to think that I was a 90s gamer. Not so much 2000's onwards. Hey, that's cool with me. Life changes, and you start to get other things on your mind. Haha, speaking of games, I recall Anj telling me that his brother made it out of Midgar in FF7 in 8 hours! That shit is insane!!! It took me 8 hours to figure out how the battle system worked! Haha, that's pretty awesome.

I'm rotting from the inside out, I can feel it.

The word trope is overused these days. Just look at me. Taking a hard look at myself. Bored out of my mind just sitting here, this is such a waste of a life. A waste of potential. Don't turn into me. Do we share the same thoughts? Perhaps I'm too engrossed in my own crap here to even care. The clouds fall to the ground, and it's all very poetic and majestic. We're all going down.

Anyway, I've got nothing else to say.

Joaquin out.

Blogging

On the bus, yo, I'm blogging on the bus. Motherfucker!
Hahahhahah

A Question Of Nothing

Got my tax assessment the other day, and I'm still up to pay $2,000! What a crock of shit! I get tax withheld from my salary anyway, but I only earned about $2,000 in interest anyway, which gets obliterated by stuff like medicare levy and the surcharge and Higher Education fees. Whoever invented the HECS system needs to be found and shot, or if they're already dead, have their bones exhumed and hanged. It's a silly system and inconsistent. People who went to university when the system was free have a HUGE advantage over the rest of us, as they would have made comparatively more money at the same age, since they wouldn't have been in the same level of debt automatically. Spare a thought for people who go to university in places like the US, where loans have been privatised and people are getting royally fucked over. It's not right, especially not over education.

What's more interesting is the flood levy additional tax that we have to pay (thankfully only temporarily). I think that's ridiculous. This additional tax was made to cover costs from the major floods we had a few years ago. I think that's absolute bullshit. Natural disasters happen often, and a lot of areas are well known to be prone to them more than others. Essentially, you are taking the risk when you move to places like that. So why should the rest of the country have to bear the cost for reconstruction? People should be fucking insured for this, and Governments should just cough up the money for it. When we had major bushfires here when I was younger, no additional tax burden came, people were forced to survive on their own. These things are only going to get worse as times goes on and we fuck up the environment even more. The Government better not pull this sort of crap again.

Somebody is crying at work. Ummm...awkward.

I was reading the other day that in Ireland, a woman died because the hospital refused to abort her pregnancy, and the cause of death ended up being blood poisoning. This is what happens when the religious zealots get any sway in the political process. Apparently in Ireland you cannot have an abortion if the heart of the foetus is still beating. This is despite the fact that the mother was dying as a result of the pregnancy. Well done, Ireland. You fucked up. What are all the right to lifers going to say about this now? Are they glad that in their quest to keep everyone alive, their actions have lead to the deaths of two? Bravo, bravo.

In lighter news, I've been reading up on Grand Theft Auto V, which sounds like an absolute blast! I prefer Los Santos over Liberty City. Although, my preferred place would have been San Fierro, because that's where I was primarily based in GTA SA. Anyway, I read that the map was big enough to accommodate the red dead redemption map, the GTA SA map AND GTA IV map, and still have room left over. Holy crap, this game is going to be massive, I can't wait!!! At least I'm on my way to getting through The Lost and the Damned. Hopefully it will be out of the way quickly so I can finish the Ballad of Gay Tony and be done with GTA IV, finally. Sorry, it just wasn't fun. GTA SA was the shit, I love that game!

University taught me a lot of important things, in hindsight. What's closure in the scheme of things? These days are just passing us by.

Could a valid thought even enter your head at this time of the year? Jesus, it's been practically 6 months. Half a year. For fuck sake. That's not right. And I guess in other ways, we are very alike.

It's been another lazy day here. Oh, the hopeless emptiness of revolutionary road. You shouldn't have told me to watch it, cause in hindsight it's brutal to watch and understand and ponder on. Then again, it was more Melancholia when it all fell apart, right?

Been reading up on Blade Runner, particularly the death of Roy, who delivers a tremendous speech before he karks it. Do memories become lost in time when you die? Like tears in the rain? Isn't it so unfair that if there is nothing on the other side, that memories, your experiences amount to nothing? I mean several billion years ago, the universe just roared into existence, and here we are right now. There you are, at whatever time, reading this.

Been trying to get back into chess lately. I think my issue is that I'm too tight. I don't like to sacrifice anything, to offer or even accept any gambits. Therein probably lies my problem in trying to become a better player. I never think a move ahead. Then I think back to the good times and I wonder whether I threw that match to make you happy? It shouldn't have ended in a draw. I knew what I was doing, and I made deliberately silly moves to see what would happen. Would have liked a re-match though.

Memory is viewed very interestingly. I remember when I was overseas with my cousins in about 1999/2000, and I watched them revise for stuff. They didn't actually sit there and 'learn' stuff per se, instead, they read pages and pages of textbooks and just committed them to memory. I then realised that everyone in Asia studies this way. It's not about contextual learning, it's about being able to regurgitate facts and figures back at the teacher. I don't really classify that as learning, it only exercises your memory, and having a great memory isn't all that it's cracked up to be if you don't know how to use it.

As I've moved into a management role at work, it has become more and more obvious how much office politics comes into play. It's really disheartening, because it's like an episode of Survivor, but without the payoff or the fun challenges. People conspire against each other, gossip, create alliances and cliques, it's like something out of high school. Surely this happens in most (if not all) workplaces? Doesn't this cost the world a LOT in terms of lost productivity?

Been watching Misadventures of an awkward black girl lately. While I thoroughly enjoyed season 1, I think season 2 has become really melodramatic and depressing. Sure, there have been some shining moments of comedic brilliance, but overall, I feel drained and unhappy after watching an episode, which is not good, considering most eps are 10-12 mins long! Imagine if it was a 30 minute sitcom?!

As most of you know, I've been getting back into the swing of things with guitar, and concentrating solely on on our original stuff. The other has written some truly amazing chord progressions and sequences. But not just that, I've been paying closer attention to his lyrics, some of which are incredibly hard hitting and poignant.

Holy moly, this week has seen an absolute littany of huge posts from me! Haha, I guess it's because I've got nothing to do at the moment.

What is funny is that the veterans of the most vicious wars in history like WW2 and Vietnam etc. are the staunchest anti-war campaigners and pacificsts now. You don't get older soldiers on the frontline shooting at other people. You get younger soldiers who are too young to know any better, and who can be more easily manipulated to put their lives on the line for nothing. I don't know what could compel someone to go and do that. Interviews with front line soldiers today displays a blatant lack of understanding of the conflict as to why they are fighting. They just want to fight. Here's to brainwashing idiots. Education is the only solution for this sort of situation. I don't mind being branded or labelled a pacifist. Warfare, and the sickening nature it brings out in humans, and the sickening profiteering it brings out in corporations, has to be abandoned. In the end, we all just end up dying. I recall a quote from the Dalai Lama (who I'm incidentally now following...on twitter, hahaha!) roughly meaning that conflict which was brought about to end conflict has never worked, as conflict is still around. Exceptionally valid point. Well played, Dalai, well played.

Going back on a statement that I made the other day about catholic priests and celibacy, I wonder why buddhist monks who are celibate don't have the same problems? Then again it might not even be reported. But it's interesting to think about. While I do support the royal commission into the Church cover up, I don't support the idea of forcing priests to give up details of confession. When the law interferes with faith, we have gone a bit too far. I know this makes my earlier comment on abortion hypocritical, but I think this is entirely different. Health and trust are different things, and confession is an integral part of catholicism.

Anyway, let's leave it here for now.

Joaquin out.

Yes, Yes

As opposed to no, no.

I just had a look at my task list and realised that I have absolutely nothing to do today. I mean there's stuff on there, but most of it is in the hands of other people at the moment, and I've already followed up. So basically, today will consist of me just sitting here and typing this blog post, but hey, that's cool.

Hahaha, I love being proven wrong. Just had a flurry of activity on an old task, which required me to wrack my brain for some answers. But with that out of the way, it's time to get on to more important things, such as blogging!

I'm sure I've mentioned the idea of race being a social construct. People may look at someone with let's just say dark skin and then assume that because another person has dark skin, that they must be genetically related or similar. However, science has shown that to be false. A white person could be more closely genetically related to a dark person than another white person. Ergo, they are the same, except for the colour of their skin. That makes racist people absolute idiots, because they don't understand science. I know there are arguments concerning eugenics at play here, but on the face of genetic proof, there's really no basis for race based discrimination. It brings into question a lot about genetic variation, consdering we all evolved from the same place. We were all dark skinned at some point, I wonder when the first white people came into existence? Shouldn't there be more variation? I mean there are white people, black people, brown people, asian people, and that's basically it, right? Am I missing a racial group in there? Well surely I am, considering I'm lumping in some categories with others. But right there, I just used race to classify something, when it's basically all bullshit anyway. All racism is born from fear and selfishness. I don't like this guy cause he's from another country, which turns to, I don't like this guy, because he doesn't look like me, to - I don't like this guy, he isn't me.

I like to randomly read wikipedia when I get the chance. All topics seem fascinating to me. Today I was reading up on Puerto Rico. I had only recently found out that it's an unincorporated State of the United States. Wow, who would have guessed?! That's nuts! But that's when things get a little more sinister. Apparently the US legislature makes the laws for Puerto Rico, but Puerto Ricans cannot vote in US presidential elections. Excuse me! What the fuck?! That's oppression and non-democratic at all. Don't get me started on the hypocrisy of championing democracy and voting in all that, when you are exercising power over another nation that technically does not form part of your country. I wonder what's going to occur with independence? It's 2012 for fuck's sake, people should be in charge of their own affairs.

What I find interesting about criminal law in this town is that it's never about the sort of crime you read about in books or see on tv and films. It's almost always related to drug crime. Assaults, burglary theft, etc. are all just extensions of dirty druggos and junkies needing a fix, or acting crazy after a binge. Well that and people drinking too much. So much for this town, the trouble has become all the more apparent over the past 10 years or so.

Had an interesting thought while on the bus yesterday. I think there's an inherent problem with the separation of powers doctrine. Yes, we are trying to get away from the concept of one arm of governance wielding too much power, but the rift between the judicature and legislature is quite pronounced. Can you read the mind of someone? No, of course not, you fucking idiot! So why is an entire arm of governance devoted to the ever increasing task of engaging in legislative interpretation? You don't know what Parliament intended. What's more, is that the Parliament is accountable to the people through a democratic process. Judges and Courts are not open to any form of scrutiny except through the judicial system, which inordinately places people at the wrong end straight away. Parliaments make legislation, they should be able to clarify how aspects of their law are supposed to work. Judges should just apply the law as it is, and not engage in anything further.

Didn't get a chance to catch up on the previous blog posts last night, but I will get there eventually. I'm not the sort of person who gives up! On this particular point, I was looking over the hits to previous posts and realised that even though I am posting much more often, the more recent posts have less hits, but readership of the blog overall is still high. What's causing this? I mean if someone just goes to dropc.blogspot.com what hit does that get attributed to? Because they haven't clicked on a particular post, it's just the blog as a whole. Ditto for going back through the archives and what not. So tell me blogger, how does it work? But this got me thinking about dilution. Since I have posted so much, are posts now becoming too diluted for people to keep up? This also got me thinking about facebook, and the idea that if you have a lot of friends on facebook, you will pay less attention to what's going on with your news feed. This also speaks volume about the world in general. As the population expands at a massive rate, nobody is going to stand out. Nothing is going to stand out, because there are just so many people. Nothing is special. Nobody is special. Instead, we are stuck in a wasteland of reality tv bullshit, with people like the Kardashians commanding princely sums of money for having no discernible talent. And this is what people will strive for, in order to stand out. To rise above the rest and not be diluted with the remainder of society. People are a cancer on the planet. I am dead certain that given enough time, Earth will become like Coruscant in Star Wars mythology - a planet city all densely populated.

And in all the fairytales, all the girls were light skinned and tall, whereas all the boys were tall, dark and handsome. Hello conservatives, haha!

Gosh, what are the mysteries of personal growth? To just get to the other side?

It's not a question of what I want you to do about it, because you shouldn't ask me. Just do something. Something.

Have an overwhelming urge to just go and travel again. Somewhere tropical. Been reading up on places I've already been. As a side thought, I think the worst mistake any tourist can make (and being from the West, we must be especially mindful of) is thinking your country is better than anyone elses, and thinking yourself superior to everyone else. We are all people and at a basic level, we are really all quite similar. So get out there and see the world.

Some things are harder to take than others. Sunday is so, so grey. Why did you do it? Now I'm reminded of this at every single turn. Everything takes on a surreal edge.

Then I remember, I am not here.

It's not about me is it?  It's got nothing to do with me.

Joaquin out.

Agistment

What the fuck is an agistment? Haha, no matter, I just looked it up. I didn't even realise such a thing was still in existence.

I'm back at work today, and oh god it's so annoying. I'd rather be at home. Yesterday was a nice and relaxing day. Was just getting back into poker, which I have not played in some time. It's a very fun activity, even when you're not gambling for money. Great way to get to know people, and to learn a game that is seemingly simple at first glance, but is incredibly complex in terms of strategy and psychology that may be employed. Chess and poker, ahh, what more do you need, really?!

Also got back into Shogun 2: Total War. Goddamn, that game is fucking intense. It's so much more harder than any previous total war game. I'm playing as the Shimazu, and holy fuck, I'm still stuck on the first island, just trying to consolidate! Now due to trying to build up steady infrastructure, I have a shitty army, and now I'm being attacked from the sea by an overwhelming force. I'm now fighting a continual battle for one city where I get smashed in sieges, then build up a big army from other provinces, come in, take it back, and then lose it again in the space of 3 turns! Ahh, it's great though! Not as easy as it was before. Then again, the original Rome Total War was a bit hard in places, I remember some absolutely epic battles that I won, when I should have lost. I'm just a little miffed that I lost my old Medieval 2 games when my old computer broke down. Cause I had almost finished some of the expansions, and the last saved game I had on the main game was all my Kings/Princes etc. in the one town to siege it and just lay waste to it.

I've also been getting back into the swing of things on the blog intro/retrospective. I'm up to February 2005 now, so progress is slow, but I've been enjoying the reading, as well as some of the memories it conjures up.  
Although it's not so pleasant when your normal life creates memories that are downright unpleasant.

I read today that humans have become less intelligent over time, from the era when we started to live in larger communities in agricultural based societies. What an interesting proposition. Spatial intelligence for smaller communities was vital as a means of staying alive and thriving; however, when safety in numbers was possible, particular gene inhibitors for intelligence kicked in. What a strange thing to have happen. But I guess that does fit in with how I view society - i.e. that a crowd is only as smart as the dumbest person in it etc.

As I did mention in a previous e-mail, I really dislike condoms. Now that's a very controversial thing for a fairly socially liberal person to say, but hang with me on this point. It makes sex less enjoyable. I recall reading a quote from Jack Nicholson where he likened having sex with a condom to having sex with a humid garbage bag on your penis. I have to agree! Ok, I'm ignoring the STD and pregnancy issues at play here, because I wouldn't have sex with someone who was likely to give me an STD, and I wouldn't sleep with anyone who I wouldn't mind having a child with (ok, let's not get into a whole feminist argument about the other point of view, because I'm just explaining my thought process here). Condoms not for me! Haha, I sound like a rapper, don't I?

Also great to see some action from the Federal Government on the rather rampant sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church. For those of you not in the know, a Royal Commission has been set up to investigate these claims in Australia. We know the problem is endemic in society. I love and respect the Church, despite not being a catholic (or even a christian), but the lack of action from the hierarchy has been disappointing and disgusting, to say the least. The doctrine of complete celibacy for the priesthood is complete stupidity. You cannot overcome millions of years of evolution just like that. You put people in a position of trust and it will be abused by those with power over the vulnerable. You cannot put that at stake, when even one person can falter like that and negatively impact so many lives. This is compounded by the fact that the Church didn't bother to report most of these incidents, and instead just transferred to other areas to again carry out these heinous acts.

Spare a thought for the families affected by this, who have been put in the horrific position of having something like this happen to them because of their faith. What would that do to a person? Wow, I can't even begin to imagine.

Just looking back on this entry, and I'm quite pleased! Just need all the planets to align and I can keep this up! It's a monster!

It's just a strange feeling that you get, when you have to consider the memories and whatever else they do to you. I should have known really.

Does intelligence entitle you to anything, or even everything? That's an ethical dilemma right there. I would say no, because intelligence in of itself isn't always wielded in the best of manners. A simpleton may even always 'do the right thing'.

Well it's nice to just be able to put things behind you from time to time. Other times, maybe not so. Am I acting out here?

Just read an interesting thing about how blogger.com operates. For those of you not in the know, you can set a blog to private, so that only selected people can view the psots you make in the blog. So far, blogger has limited readership of these private blogs to 100. Apparently google (who now owns blogger) employs people to actually monitor every single one of these private blogs and track their movements across the entire google network. They do say that 9 out of 10 times, these private blogs are hate speech and other related vile filth, but it makes me a little uncomfortable that google is sort of putting limits on what is supposed to be free speech, as well as engaging in surveillance of people's activities. Then again, what sort of price do you put on security? It's pretty messed up.

Not sure about keeping up this concept of blogging almost every weekday. Then again, I may as well, considering that I can't read up on the blog while I'm at work.

Speaking of the blog, readership is a little bit all over the place! Australia has now crept up into 2nd place, and I think the key drivers of this are information relating to Karen Tso, Dana Kronental, as well as my misnomer title "Girls Girls Girls Sex Sex Sex" which I stole from Red Dwarf, I wasn't even trying to indicate anything untoward! Haha, traffic has spiked, but general readership is down from earlier in the year, but that's ok. I don't do this for the kudos or the numbers, I do it for me, cause I feel like doing it. Speaking of Red Dwarf, I have got series X, so I'm looking forward to watching it. Hopefully it's better than that piece of crap that was Back To Earth, which was not funny at all, and sort of ruined things.

It makes me ill, it really does, just thinking about it.

Anyhow, this has been a productive day, had a lot on my mind. Let's leave it there.

Joaquin out.

What In Tarnation?

Is going on??!

I just don't get it.  I'm confused and perplexed.

What changes in the space of a day?

Then again, I guess it was more like 2 days, but even STILL!  What the mcfuck?!

I don't know!  Somebody tell me what is happening!

Such self-involvement and self-delusion.

I don't know what's on the other side of tomorrow.

More to read.  More to relax.

Joaquin out.

Nobody Can Be Sure

What this is leading to.

It gets even more complicated over times like this, because I don't even know for myself.

Is it another stretch?  Are there signs?  Are there clues even?

Everything could be thrown by the wayside again, and I would be left reeling.

Frustrations.  Indecision.

Well it's good in some ways, or else I would have looked foolish.

Anyhow, let's see what happens from here.

Joaquin out.

Dun Dun...TAINTED GOODS!

I'm tainted.

I'm used goods.

Of no value to anyone or anything.

That's what happens when you get too used to something and then it ruins you for absolutely anything else.

Bah.

Joaquin out.

Ohhhh Kayyy

So it hit me at the most inopportune time.

I'm not here.  I haven't been here for a long time.  I've been floating away somewhere else for the longest time.  And that explains so much.

That and I'm also defective.  There's something wrong with me.  I don't know what it is, but I just cannot function as a human being.  Doing the most basic things are too much for me.  Maybe evolution is trying to tell me something?

Oh, I hate condoms.  But more on that later.

Fuck, I am glad I don't have work tomorrow.

Joaquin out.

It's Not Just One Thing

It's a myriad of things.

The things I used to enjoy doing, I hate now.  I despise them.  I refuse to do them, because we used to do them together.

It's not fair, especially since I introduced you to most of them.  Now they've been taken away from me.

That's not right.

I used to be a more complete person.  Now it's just a broken puzzle piece.

Joaquin out.

I've Been Thinking About It

And I've realised that it does make life just that little bit harder.

I guess there could be ways around it, but there isn't any foreseeable way that I could come up with a solution.

Would have been nice to have things go my way this weekend, but I guess it was not to be.

Anyhow, we'll see what comes to mind for the rest of the day.

Joaquin out.

Surreality

Would have been good if I could have gone, but that's ok.  I'll just learn to accept things.

Busy as fuck today.  Just so much that I got through.  I feel productive, back to my old days.

Won't get a chance to blog properly tonight, so this will do for now.

Things appeared strange today.  Like it all just could have faded away, and I would melt into the background of what I was seeing and experiencing.

I'm excited!  Feeling capable and on top of things.

Joaquin out.

The Future's Past

I remember that lie I told in high school. Looking back on it, I don't know why I said that, but I did, and I got away with it.

Well now I'm just even more confused. It doesn't make sense in a way, but I guess in others, it does. It's all about how you interpret information, but something called subjective bias always gets in the way, and I end up second guessing myself. Which is a shame really, as usually my first instinct is the right one. But my objectives are complete, and there's the shattered pieces are being put back together. It could have all been a mistake from the get go. But everyone should know more than they do.

Guitaring is going incredibly well at the moment, I'm just enjoying playing randomly, and along with the stuff the other and I have worked on together.

I think democracy is currently a fallacy. Democracy is apparently everyone having a say. But this only true at election time. And even then, minors are unable to vote, despite teenagers having some idea about politics. If they can't vote due to uninformed 'minds' then I propose that the elderly, people over 60, cannot vote either, as their minds are starting to deteriorate. We elect representatives to serve our interests, but that's not true democracy, because how the hell do they know what my interests are? Just because the majority agrees to do something, doesn't make it right.

Let me out forward a model of government for you. A computer. Yes, that's it. Just a centralised computer that runs everything. If a decision needs to be made, people at home can vote (I haven't thought about aspects of fraud). If we need to provide funding for a project, the computer asks everyone. If it's a go, then the computer puts the plans in progress to get it done. That way, everyone can actually have a say, rather than representatives who can get it wrong (I know this flies in the face of my majority argument that I just put forth a second ago).

This brings me on to the point of the U.S. elections. Elections are incredibly divisive things, where partisanship tears communities, and even families and friends apart. Not just that, when one side inevitably loses, all manner of cries of fraud and injustice arise. It's just the nature of humanity. We hate losing. But at least what I think we are witnessing with the U.S. (and hopefully other Western nations), is that you can no longer just pander to conservative old white rich men. Minorities will band together and have their voices heard. The face of the world is changing. We are heading into the Asian century, and things are not going to be the same in future, nor should they.

Wouldn't you really love to have a way to know what people really think of you?? Then again, I'm sure if you had that ability, you would become quickly depressed, because there's so much more people think compared to what they say. And 95% of the time, I'll bet that it's negative.

Took Monday off cause I'm sick of it all, basically. At least there's only an hour of the day left. I may walk home, it's a nice day, and at least I can appreciate it.

Hahaha, new skills paying off already!  Today, I am a god!

Let's call that a day. Let's call that a week.

Joaquin out.

Waking Up

From a weird dream. I was at the coast, but who was I with? It all seemed very sinister at the time, and I think we even fought.

Needless to say, I'm half asleep at work today, and I still have work to do. Yep, I'm tired alright.
But that's ok, cause I'll learn to cope.

Message in a bottle playing softly over my headphones, I like it.

On days that I don't go to the gym, I feel way more depressed. I need the endorphin hit. Well I could get that from other places, but it's not like it was before.

I should wait until the end of the day, and not have constant freak outs. I don't know why I'm so impatient. Maybe because I have 4 hours until work is over. Sigh! I just want to watch the Dark Knight Rises, please! Still another month till it's out on DVD.

We need more wifi in the world! Would have helped me out with my problem earlier in the week. It's funny how things are intertwined like that.

Why does the world get so down about people who have overactive imaginations? I blogged earlier about kids, the vast majority of whom are considered geniuses, yet as they get older and 'normalised', this number falls significantly. I think there's definitely a high correlation between the two. Who knows, maybe even causation? We need people with imaginations to get us over the monotony of everyday life. They're the dreamers, the ones who keep hope alive.

Since we all evolved from the same cell, does it stand to reason that we'd have the DNA of all our genetic ancestors in our DNA? If you could 'reverse' evolve, or 'devolve' would I turn into a monkey? A spider? Slimy sludge? It's interesting. So many unanswered questions about evolution. I mean if we are the last point of evolution, shouldn't everything have evolved into us? Humankind, all gone in the blink of an eye. We really are just blights in this thing called time.

We get old. Naturally speaking, of course. Then you realise how many opportunities you've squandered. Decisions that should have been made differently and so on. Then I realised the other day - this is happening to everyone. Not just me. But everyone in my age bracket. It'll happen to the younger ones out there, too. It'll happen to everyone until there are no more new people. I wonder when that will be?

In the end, we all become redundant, irrelevant if you will.

Just reading up on science issues at the moment. Haha it's funny cause a lot of it goes over my head. But some of the other stuff I'm really keen on. Like at the planck epoch, all energy, matter and whatever else was all concentrated in one area. In fact, even after the big bang, light and matter were still the same thing! We were all there at the start, and regardless of whatever happens next (big rip or big crunch), we will all be there for the end. I'm inclined to think that the big crunch is the only sustainable model, as if all matter is again concentrated, then we reach another planck epoch, and we have another big bang, and matter and all that is left to play out further possibilities. It basically seems like matter 'willed' itself into existence. It existed because it had to, and hence here we are. We are just manifestations of that purpose to just exist. Everything has to get back to a point where we, it, all, come back together.

Everything is going to be ok, so don't worry.

Think bigger. Look closer. See more.

I wonder what other scientific advancements will happen in my lifetime? Then again, I'm not even sure what my own lifetime will actually be. There are so many unknowns in existence, I hope science can reach an answer for all of them, at some point, at least.

That's enough to ponder on for today, folks.

Joaquin out.

Following On

Damn, I had some good points to start off today's post with, but I can't recall them for the life of me.

So as usual, let's just make this shit up! Haha.

Oh well, sometimes even the best laid plans can fall by the wayside when you factor in the weather. As Crowded House said, always take the weather with you.

For those of you who don't have access to awesome programs like Winamp, you probably haven't discovered the awesome world of equalisation, where you can make your music sound even better by altering how different aspects of the noise signal come through. For the uninitiated, I'd recommend using windows media player to play songs and turn on the SRS WOW setting through options/enhancements. You'll notice a world of difference, and even some of your old faves are going to end up sounding different.

So what else is there to do, really?

At least today is a better day in the office.

Cold, wet and miserable outside. I'd like to be home. In fact, I have way too much leave up my sleeve that I have not used. I should recharge my batteries and get on with life. That seems like par the course these days.

I read today that Canon is looking at buying a top level domain - so something would be xedewe.canon which I think is a silly idea. We shouldn't allow companies to buy their way into changing this sort of stuff. It's shameless self promotion, really.

Ah the myth that one can do it all. The sooner we can bust that, the better.

Oh aristocratic thugs in our universities. It's really quite disgusting, especially when people aim to emulate these fucktards in behaviour. Or even the supposed elitishness of the universities that they frequent. It's the kind of place where conservatives get their fuck on and can propagate their own bullshit for another generation.

What's that? Only 3:30! I've still got 90 minutes of this crap to get through before I can go home. At least with my old job, I was mostly busy, so it didn't matter if I had to work longer. Well that and other things.
I really should get back to my blog intro/retrospective. Still at the start of 2005. If I don't get a move on, I'll never be able to catch up, considering the phenomenal rate at which I'm able to blog this year.

Oh the scars on this heart. The pain upon this soul. These wounds grow ever deeper with each breath that I take. Picking rotten fruit from the tree. We are where we end up.

What other skills can I learn? Any suggestions? Anyone? Something fun and brain teasing that takes some time to develop?

Well it seems like the other has most likely left this blog to me, so I guess we can all just wish him well on his hiatus.

What amazes me is that when people have problems with computers, they tend to ask around and have a freak out. Yet, they never realise that they have the best research tool in the history of mankind at their fingertips (tip: you're on it right now). Nobody uses the internet for these sorts of issues!! Yes, barring a browser issue, you can just type your issue into google and you'll probably end up with a good answer (and if you're lucky, step by step diagrams). I don't know why people don't tend to realise expanded possibilities with the internet, they're just restricted to how they typically use it, in terms of recreation and forced research, not practical solutions.

Mmmmm wanna go home and eat chips and bananas.

Anyhow, I'd better leave this here for now.

Joaquin out.

The Irony Of It All

Well I suppose it was my comeuppance. But these things happen from time to time. Just have to own up and take responsibility for it, I suppose. I wonder what happens to me? I wonder what happened to me?

It may all be too late and everything has been jeopardised.

My memory has just become rotten to the core lately. I cannot for the life of me recall anything in terms of short term memory. This morning I went to work without putting deodorant on! I mean how messed up is that??! I just showered and put my clothes on, now I'm paranoid that I smell, considering it's a hot day. Blah! Memory failing, even the regular routine of the day is failing me!! How can this be occurring??!

I wish I could live it over again, you know. This life. Make different decisions and just see how things panned out. Just like a choose your own adventure type novel, where you can avoid the outcomes you don't like. How different would my life be now, I wonder?

Yeah, yeah everybody loves you.

What am I dreaming of? I can't even remember anymore.

Just want to tune out the rest of the day. In fact, I just want to be at home and sit on the couch. Not even play any games or watch any movies. Just lay down and let life pass me by.

I hate to quote a tv show theme song, but I really do feel like I'm stuck in second gear today.

That moment of non-realisation, of non-being. How do you make that moment last forever?

Oh man, Chess Titans has dropped out of my recently open list. How terrible! I really wish I had gotten better at chess. Then again, I only learned how to play not all that long ago.

What's really getting to me is the recurring flashbacks of the city. The city I used to live in. It's no longer about dreams or life, it's just a stark raving nightmare.

Each birthday steadily gets worse, in my humble opinion.

Hmmm I don't know what's going on in the world anymore. But the world doesn't seem to affect me anymore.

Struggling for acceptance and understanding. It irks even more when you know that at one point it existed, but that ended.

What is the cumulative effect of baggage? Not luggage related, but emotional baggage. Are we really just the sum of our experiences? If that's the case, then what is it all for? Because at some point, there are no more experiences. Unless there's an accounting mechanism at the end of it, then it's really all for nought.

The weather has turned and it looks ominous outside. I'm just looking forward to an evening of tv and not doing much.

Ah I wish xkcd was updated everyday! Well either that, or if the new what if section was updated more than once a week. Not that I'm complaining, just making an observation. The guy puts in loads of effort and we get free, high quality entertainment, which is always great.

I want to learn a new skill, but I don't know what I could possibly do.

There always needs to be a poor class. The poor keep the middle classes humble. It's sick that we're divided into so many categories. I guess it makes it so much more easier to discriminate.

Brain. Fried. I need to get out of here. I do yearn for travel. Just to blow some cash and relax on some beach somewhere and not think about anything.

How very off-putting. I wonder how and why things changed? For me and for everyone.

More innane ramblings I see. Let's see if I can string together some coherent thoughts tomorrow.

Joaquin out.

Fallow

People always complain that this is town is too small. Well to that I say it's not small enough. Especially when I was everywhere I needed to be, except the right place. I guess I should have known better, but what do you expect? I'm an idiot, right! It's just right across the lake! I see this place when

I need to stop being overzealous about everything. Just have to take my time and not have a freak out, because what can you really do about things that can't be helped? Doesn't mean I'm still not upset though.
Hey, I'm entitled.

I wish I was smarter than I was. I would just love to be able to sit and think things through.

Goddamn it! I was looking forward to having a relatively easy day, and then BAM! In the space of literally 2 minutes, everything has become urgent. Sigh! I don't need this crap.

My fingers are all scratched and raw from so much guitar. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm finding it difficult to focus, just too distracted by other things.

What's the nature of life? I mean, if life is random, then the idea of consciousness, and awareness and emotion is entirely wasted. It's sick, so sick (thank you, Daniel Negreanu).

I'm faster than I ever have been in my life. I don't know about sprinting, but middle distance, I'm in the best shape of my life. Ahh, the race. It was fun. I could win even more now. Alas, there is no more chance for that.

It looks murky outside, like the day just doesn't want to be. Like it's a beautiful day but has been aborted.

It hasn't been a good day. Don't jeopardise things. I may have already done that with my blatant stupidity and zealousness. Do I really lack patience?

Ssssssasaaa saaaaa. Hahaha, I have picked up that bad habit from one of my friends of just saying that. I don't know why, but it's great stress relief.

Anyhow, that's it for now.

Joaquin out.

Impossible Much?

Well there you fucking well go.

It makes a bit more sense I suppose.

Should have probably guessed, but who knows, right?

Not that there was anything to do about it.

Nothing could be done, actually!  I was just too late.

It's weird how those things link up though.

Hmmmmmmmmm.  Most of this weekend was a waste of time.

Problem unresolved, but at least I know I couldn't have possibly fixed it.

Fuck, work tomorrow.  I don't want to go.

Let's see where this week takes us though.

Joaquin out.

Steep

My body is betraying me. Mistakes that should have been rectified generations ago. Couldn't they have gotten it right? But then I suppose if that was the case, I wouldn't be here. But then again, that probably would be for the best.

At least I'm talented. Shame that most people don't know it.

It's a beautiful day outside. I can't enjoy it.

Fighting the urge to fall asleep and just give up.

How Do You Solve A Problem?

Like Maria? And does that mean Maria is the problem? Or is she good at solving problems?

I like solving problems, but I wouldn't say I'm adept at it. But this is incredibly difficult to solve. I don't even know what the nature of the problem is.

The mystery deepens.

It Could Be Anything

Already awake. Not good.

That's why it's making life so difficult. If only I was paying attention, things would be so much easier.

Can't even put 2 and 2 together. Because it wasn't what I thought it was. Cause I was way off.

There's still a chance. Half a chance. I still hold out hope.

Hmmmm.

I am Joaquin. I'm out.

And Just Like That

it's 5am.

I can't sleep.  I just can't.

And it's like that I'll lose my mind.

I've already lost my shit.

AHHH!

I've worked myself up to a state that even if I knew the answers, I could fucking GUARANTEE that I would not be shocked, because I'm wrong.  And I want to be right.

It's Not What I Thought It Was

And now I can't sleep.  Too many thoughts running through my head.

How can it be?  Was I lied to?

Have things changed?

ARGHHHHHH!

For fuck's sake!

Can I please catch a break?  That's all I need.  I suppose everything else has been down to sheer dumb fucking luck.

But now I realise I've been wasting time when I should have been busying myself with other shit.  Goddamn! Now I've run out of time and my life just feels like a waste.

I guess I can keep my options open.  Let's see.

Joaquin out.

The Wrong Stuff

Had another difficult night's sleep. I kept waking up and just couldn't get settled. I'm just so tired today. I'm feeling old! My body hurts and I just couldn't get with the program this morning. I suppose it's all downhill from here, right?

"I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving" - Thank you Morrissey. Quote for the day.

I don't know what's up, I'm feeling very strange today. Mortality seems very prevalent as the clocks tick away.

I was thinking about it last night (I don't know what spurred it on), but I don't really have any close friends. Nobody really knows that much about me, and I guess I'm ok with that. I don't really like people.

Today was deceptive. Looked outside and it was sunny, but it was actually blisteringly cold. "When the cold wind blows, it'll turn your head around" - Thank you James Taylor. Haha, look at me, talking about the weather, so lame!

Don't make lists, just live your life.

I'm starting to think I know what's going on here, and I don't really like it. Crushing a man's spirit. Such monotony. Such inherent failure in the system and the world.

Finally, a weekend of not having to be interstate. I'm just going to relax and play games. Not that any of that stuff makes me happy.

Some people have truly fucked up emotional coping mechanisms.

Have you ever had a weird moment where you saw an image superimposed on something else and realised that you will dream about it later? You hardly ever dream about things literally, I mean you won't pick up a stick and have it behave like a stick. It'll take on some weird properties or something like that. But today I had a moment where I saw a weird image and realised that's how my brain will reinterpret it when I'm dreaming. Hopefully I'll remember it, so when I actually do dream it, I can post about it here and see if I was right.

And in the reflected shadows, my dreams came true. It sounds like a wonderful thing, doesn't it?

Finally cut my nails and am playing guitar like a champion. Got a new chord progression going which I'm absolutely in love with. Something I never thought I would be playing. But it's ample fun.

Damn this weather, it reminds me of bad memories.

Just need to make it another 90 minutes before I can get the hell out of here.

A driven will to succeed damn it. That's what I'm lacking right now.

Oh god! Still 40 more mins to go of this boring tedium? Ahhh! At least I'm trying to keep myself occupied.

Well let's call that a day.

Joaquin out.

My Dreams Get Real Bizzarre

And I just really don't want to wake up in the mornings because reality is much harder to take.

Jesus! It's been a hell of a day in the office, let me tell you! My brain was fried in the morning from doing jack all, and then things got busy in the afternoon with a lot of urgent and important stuff. It's not good when you get rikroll'd by your boss on all your comments and ideas and suggestions, ouch! But oh well. I take it as birthday karma. Everything just tends to get a little shittier as my birthday approaches and leaves me. Haha! Rules to be me!

I absolutely detest women who wear leggings/jeggings as a legitimate form of clothing! Not just that, I can't stand it as exercise wear either! Idiots! It makes no sense, I just ask WHY!

I hate it when you go to fill out forms on the Internet and big places (universities, banks etc.) haven't correctly formatted them, so you can't read everything in there, or there's no room to input additional (but relevant) information. Should probably hire more people who didn't fail High School internet classes. Haha! I can't believe we had classes related to internet use when I was in high school! I can't imagine that they would even need to do that now. Kids these days just scare me with what they know and how they go about their business. I hope they get their fearlessness kicked the shit out of them! Then again, maybe I think that because I'm jaded.

The sunshine looks amazing when it reflects off the flag, as the wind blows wildly.

The news was reporting the other day that some quantum physicists have postulated that there is the possibility of the soul being located in the brain. I love how the media jumped all over this and said "science proves existence of soul". I think this is where the future of science lies though, in quantum mechanics and these sort of advanced hypotheses, because in a way it makes sense. No energy is wasted in the universe, it merely becomes other forms of matter. Hell, maybe it becomes dark matter or even dark energy?

I'm fighting my own atheism here. It's attacking me with the vigour of a new convert to any theistic religion.

Today I read that non-creative behaviour (i.e. routine-ness) is learned! Well holy fuck! I knew it! A life of education and boring bullshit 9-5'ness is killing us. That's why we're all divorcing and being unhappy. Life is killing us, yet it's the only way to make a living. But don't you think it's funny how money tends to snowball?
When you come into a substantial bit of cash, it will typically need to more of the same? I've found that my wealth has jumped quite a bit over the past few months, as my savings has obviously increased, but the rate of growth just seems like more, despite me not spending any less or earning any more, it just feels like it.

I also read that Noel Gallagher believed that under a Thatcher lead Britain, that great art was created. I tend to agree, dictators, tyrants, and other neo-conservatives lead such a repressive regime that the people have no choice but to rebel through creative outlets and create new things. But as Mr Gallagher rightly pointed out, these days when people tend to have it good, they won't just write songs any more, they will tweet about it. And I guess in that, society loses a lot of its artistry. More Gallagher brothers, please. Less Rob
Delaney's, please (despite his hilarity).

Yikes, it feels like I'm having a stroke here! I wonder what the hell is going on. Looks like I won't get to be a member of the 27 club, haha! Sorry Miss Winehouse and Mr Cobain.

The use of language isn't as important as the context. Let's say someone calls you an idiot. You will probably just laugh and carry on and wonder why they couldn't think of anything more insulting to call you. I think it depends on the person making the comment, though. If they hardly use profanity and then out of nowhere, calls you an idiot, that's a massive deal. Maybe even more so than your friend calling you a fucking retard, right? So there you go, I think it all depends on the intention of your remarks.

Well that's good! Looking back on this blog, things seem a little bit more normal. Hopefully I can keep this up.

What the hell are you doing?  I don't even know what I'm doing.

Joaquin out.