Lost in Dortmund

So we've come to this.  The last day of work for the year, and I have no room for reminiscing or reflecting on glory.  I am far too tired for any of that.  It's going to be a busy couple of days coming up, but I will be okay.  I think tonight will be good for just a rest.  I don't want to do anything.  I just want to stay in bed and never leave.  Nothing is moving here.  I just want to get out. 

But here's the problem, there is only one bus that takes me home, and that leaves at 5:40.  They kick us out of here at midday.  So I'm going to have to find something to do for the remainder of the time.  Fight the crowds at the mall on christmas eve?  No thank you!  It's bleak out there.  I'm glad I'm in here at least.  It gives me the day to blog.  Today is a mentally 'blergh' day.  I'm just going to watch the clock strike down and forget about existing.

These things just don't happen to me.  Scratch my head and call me a fool.  I have no idea what's happening, but I'll just go with it. 

Stop and start.  That's what it's all about.  Like I'd even know.  I'm just as clueless as the rest of you. 

Yikes.

Joaquin outtahere.

It's Not Springtime

Absolutely not.  This is a weird summer we are having.  But does anyone care?  No.  The Government has done a wonderful job at distracting people from the real issues.  Stuff like climate change is an issue that has far-ranging impacts for all of humanity.  But nobody is talking about, and there's far too much credence being given to so called 'experts' who are climate change deniers.  Revoke their credentials I say.

I've really gotta work on going to bed earlier.  I slept late and got up early today, and my eyes are absolutely burning with tiredness.  How do people function on such little sleep?  There's gotta be some sort of long term damage that you're doing to yourself.  The brain can't function in higher states on such little rest.  I don't care who you are!  Well I do have a lot of work to do, so I had better focus on that.  Things are going to be tough, since tomorrow is a half day.  It's silly isn't it!  I'm willing to work the full day, and probably need to, because things are so busy, but because it's christmas eve, they usually close up the offices around midday at the latest.  Not fun!  Thinking about how I'm going to pass the time, because I catch a late bus home.  It's my only way of getting home.  Maybe I'll go watch a movie.  I'd much rather stay in the office and do my work and my essay.

Maybe I don't want to talk.  Perhaps I've already said too much.  I should be able to get some blognotes up tomorrow, but after that, I'm not sure if I'll be blogging regularly through the next week and a half.  I'll try my best though. 

I've been scarily productive today.  Where did that come from?  I'm going to sleep so early tonight!  I'm looking forward to it, haha!  Okay I'm just counting down the time until I finish listening to some music and get finished with this damn essay.

Oh man, now I'm being distracted by other crap.  I just want some time off with no distractions.  Just get this thing done.  Other people are just so disorganised.  Now where was I?

Jack of all trades, master of none I'm afraid.

Alright, 2 hours to go and I think I'm still with the program.  It'll make life easier somewhat. 

Wow, I'm actually making progress!  I'm shocked and surprised!  It's like a bloody menagerie all up in here!  This is meant to be a place of business!  How am I meant to get anything done?  Doesn't matter.  I'll make do.

60 minutes?  I don't want to go home like this!  Bah, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm irritable.  I just want out. 

I'll stop here though.

One more day!

Joaquin out.

Waylaid By Forces Inopportune

What's the point?  I thought I knew what 2+2 was.  But things get very murky when people change the definition of what one of those 2s means.  Then everything is just up in the air.  It's a long time, but not long enough for something to happen.  I have half an idea, but nowhere near enough.  All I can say is that I was wrong, very wrong.  All those problems that were beset by earlier times have drifted into the wind, and they spread, but they're not as potent as they once were.  Maybe my dreams will come true, once again.

I think I've just stopped caring about everything.  This is a weird apathy.  One I've never experienced before.  My life just revolves around the same ol' and nothing changes. But should it?  I guess not.  Procrastination takes its toll.  I want to be done with this.  Just let me do me own thing.  That's all I want.

I am utterly exhausted.  I am truly zombified.  How can I even be functioning in all of this?  I'm making all these mistakes.  Some people are just weird.  And they're into weird stuff.  But a clearer picture does emerge at some point.  This has got to be better than 140 characters don't you think?  Even if the net result is the same.

I just need to stay awake and get this done.  Just get me the hell out of here. 

Once everything is squared away, I'd like to be able to blog properly.  But for now, I guess I'll have to make do with these stupid, inane thoughts.

Crap, and here I am.  Once again with 3 hours to go and I am utterly lost.

Probably call it a day here.  Don't want to waste my time doing nothing in particular, only to look up at the clock and realise it's time to go home, to do nothing in particular while everything ticks away.

Uhhh what?  Now I'm in a tough spot.

Joaquin out.

Feeling Like Eleventy

Tickers on the mat, and we don't know where we are at.

What on Earth is this?  I just want to be done with this work day and just go home and study.  I just want to knock this out of the park.  Get it done.  Focus on other things.  Well things are definitely on the up and up!  I'm sending the shivers everywhere.

I think I better focus on other things for now.  This is going nowhere.  In more ways than one.

There's hot, there's cold, there's ice.  I'm ice.

Joaquin out.

Face Like Leather, These Friends Fairweather

It hits me like nothing else in the mornings.  Why can't I sleep through until my alarm goes off?  I'm always waking up at odd times with a blank mind, then I can't get back to sleep.  It's only started recently.  I figure I should start getting to bed earlier and see if I can make something work.  After the hell of the other day, I've got some time free to get some work done!  Yes!  I can't wait.

Cold and awkward.  Super fun happy times!  Can you regret it?  Yes, I can.  Maybe cynicism is better than the place I was at before anyway?  It was a non-event.  Should have known.  I think my future is dementia.  That's gonna be it.  Hopefully I'll have fun!

Man I could just do with a rest.  Nothing more!  People get jolly at the oddest times.  But it's all just a case of history repeating itself.  Oh lordy, once again!  3 hours to go and I'm totally zoning out again.  Maybe it's just this part of the day.  Nap times should be mandatory.

Whoops.  Things got a bit silly back there.  I am literally wandering aimlessly here.  Figuratively as well.  Shame.

Look at me just talking to myself.  Music can be better.  Alright I better do even more work.  I've just lost all productivity.  And it's leading me to procrastinate with absolute stupidity here.  The last few months of posts on here are a prime example, I'm sure.  Have I had anything important to say?  No.  Have I had interesting news to share?  No.  So what the hell am I doing? 

For children we haev Santa Clause, for adults we have God.  Ouch.  This is just a manifestation of everything over not just the past few months, but probably the past few years.

It's just a vague outline, that's all I need to see.  Okay 2.5 hours.  I can do this.  I'm forcing each and every word out.  It's almost painful.  I'm suffering for it, truly.

I'm not focusing and I'm not concentrating.  This is pure torture.

2 hours?!  I'm not sure what way I'm wanting time to go. 

And now it's 90 minutes and I haven't done a damn thing.  90 minutes can be a long time...

Hahah oh my god!  I am in shock at my own procrastination abilities here. 

Just how often can I be wrong?  More times?  More times!  I'm sure.  Hahaha.

I'm not looking forward to this.

Joaquin out.

The Dead Of Night

None of this is right.  What the hell is going on?  I'm having broken sleep these past few nights.  I wake up randomly at odd times and just wonder what time it is.  What really got to me last night was the dead silence.  There was nothing.  No ambient sound, no crickets chirping, no late night people out and about.  It was just nothing.  If I had shut my eyes, I'm sure that's what death would be like.  Absolute nothingness, and no consciousness.  It was odd.

I've really gotta start making the effort.  But I'm enjoying the sleep.  I need to be stronger.  What's more important to you? 

Don't worry about me, I'm just lost in a state of confusion.  What the hell is going on?  Not that it should concern me anyway, but it does.  It always finds a way to.

I haven't played guitar in so long that I fear that I'll never be able to play again.  That I'll never be competent enough to play as well as I once did.  My nails have grown, but it doesn't matter, because I haven't even picked up a guitar.  Life has just become weird.  From out of nowhere!  It's like life is not agreeing with me, and I'm on the outer.

Hmmm I suppose I'd better get some work done.  It's scary to think it's all random.  Or maybe there's comfort in that.  You can't control anything.

Oh man, 3 hours of this still to go?  I can't believe it.  Why am I bothering?  I can just give up here.  This spot.  That's where I draw the line and make a stand. 

I'd rather nothing than this.  I make the opposite decision to Shinji.  Some people are just walking billboards for the term 'bitchface'.

This has just been a whacky day.  I want to go home an eat.  Just eat till I can't eat anymore.  Hahahaha.  But I've still got an hour to go. 

On second thoughts, maybe I'll just keep it to myself :)  It doesn't help that I've already blabbed though!

Joaquin out.

Unreal Sentiment

It's just a weird, weird day.  Do I need to comment on anything?  Maybe not.  I'm just in shock and outrage here.  Maybe I'll just focus on work instead. 

Well most of that is done, so I guess I can get back to writing this essay.  Still so much to do!  At least my inbox is getting smaller!  But things are going to get more complicated before they're over.  The laughter is too much for me.  Maybe it's all just wrong.  Read it wrong.  reqwfwed it terong.  Simple as that.  Ahh I'd like to get out of here and just escape for a bit, but I can't.

Everyone is flakey.  Just some strange random words and vivid dreams.  Okay, going on 90 minutes now.  I can do this.  But I'm tired.

Maybe I'm just battle weary or battle-hardened by now. 

Joaquin out.

Unknown Musicians

These people don't talk.  I'm experiencing the dreamless sleep again.  I've really gotta focus on getting up.

I have a lot to get out of the way today.  At least I'm in the office for a while.  Just knock out a little chunk everyday.  You can't chop down the tree in one go.  A few chops everyday, and you'll get it down eventually.  It's just a shame they make assessment like that in the current day.

I was back at my undergrad uni the other day for some research and realised just how much things have changed.  The place is like a business, trying to extract the most amount of money from students, who are already in debt, or have paid a lot of money to be there (domestic and international).  It's disgusting.  The focus is not on education anymore, it's about having a piece of paper that is meaningless, so that employers can ooh and ahh over them to pay you money to cover the debts you've racked up getting those pieces of paper!  It makes me ill.  But I'm glad I did undergrad when I did.  Post-grad on the other hand...

I've really gotta work on adopting minimalism in my life.  I don't really need anything else, I've got what I need.  The accumulation and acquisition of stuff is a pointless endeavour.

I'm afraid blogging may have to be kept to a minimum while I get this stupid essay done.  I've only got a bit more to go.  It's weird because I'm writing it and saying "this is awful' but I can't help it.  I just want to get it done and submitted.  The whole system is screwed. 

Am I wrong?  How could I be this wrong?  Is it just a red herring?  It could be, but a lot of other things don't make sense about the situation.  It's a bit silly how some structures are set up.  Who knows.  I seek resolution.

What has always irked me is that I have a very expensive super flashy watch that operates on kinetic energy.  It's self winding, so if I move throughout the day, it'll keep good time.  It's apparently got 2 days of backup power, but if I don't wear it for a period of 6-7 hours, the time starts falling out of sync with real time.  This bothers me, because my cheap Casio keeps perfect time and runs on normal battery power.  It's what I always used to wear.  Why do I even need to know the time.  So I know how much time I've wasted?  Ridiculous!

Hahaha, sometimes other things reveal themselves in the fullness of time.  Classic.  You have to be careful in these sorts of situations.  Is it just sincere niceness or something else entirely?  I can never read those situations well.  I guess I can wind up looking quite the fool.

Okay maybe it's just me, I don't know what it is, and I don't know how it can be rectified.  It's not a good sign.

Yikes, this is inadvertently turning into a lengthy and good post!  I'll be damned. 

Alright I better get some work done.

Motor Ace were on to something I tell you!

Joaquin out.

Forfeit Is On The Cards

The ghame can change instantly.  All of a sudden you're in the lead and enjoying the knowledge that you will win, then they change the rules part way, and the winner is actually the person who will finish last.  Not a good look.  I've never been good at maths, but I can certainly put 2 and 2 together.  The world hasn't seen this sort of anticipation since the titans clashed.

Leave it to chance.  Leave it to probability.  I've finished all my work again!  I've been super productive this week.  I should have sent my essay to myself so I could do some more of that stuff here.  Oh well.  I've got a lot of stuff to get done over the next few days.  Just gotta make sure I actually do it.  I'm with the program, or am I?  That's the problem, deluding yourself into thinking what you've done is good.  I just want to get it done.  Nothing more. 

So am I just going to keep repeating the same stuff everyday?  Probably.  There's nothing new to add.

So on that point!

Joaquin out.

The Gripes Are So Tight

That I don't even know where the next one will be coming from.

Had a slack night last night which is going to bite me today.  All I gotta do is make time to read.  Just nothing else.  Read for the entire day and I will be ok.  Just get it done.  At least I got some good guitaring in!  Didn't sleep early though, which made getting up even earlier a real pain.  But I'm with the program.  I'm functioning.

Again it's me!  Why!  How could this be happening?  I've had enough of it already.  It's not good when you walk out of the shower and wonder if you've used the soap.  Maybe it's indicative of things getting much worse further down the track.  Gosh I'm not looking forward to that.  What a burden!  I can't live like that.  I'm just so forgetful these days.  Hey, I'm so forgetful.

So we're in mid December.  That means Christmas time and the extravagant displays of consumerism and greed.  Christmas used to be about giving to the less fortunate, now it's all about acquiring more stuff we don't need.  It's so far removed from my new concept of minimalism that it makes me ill (not that I celebrate Christmas anyway).  What we see is more about creating a selfish concept, or even a protectionist one.  So if you're not concerned with what you're getting or what you get for yourself, you think you are absolved by getting things for family and friends.  They are people like you, who have an existing relationship with you.  Most likely they're not less fortunate, they're not needy people who require help.  The meaning of the season has been hijacked my corporate interests and the economy.  It's not right.

Hmm Microsoft Office 365 isn't bad at all!  Who would have guessed they would get something right??  I'm getting by.  Though I don't want to.  I think I'm in better shape than I thought I was?  The world changes, or does it stay the same?  What moves forward must move back.

Ahh all of a sudden there's too many things to do.  But that's the story of my life.  What would you even write in a story of my life?  Nothing.  Or else you'd write a trillion words of repetition.  Then just throw it in a fire.  Cause that's just it.

Thank god for wikipedia, it answers all my questions.  Cash all your cheques buddy!  There's violence afoot!  At least today is a shorter day than usual.  It'll be nice.

Forgotten about me already, did you?  Looks like we won't crack 200 posts this year, but that's okay.  Things have just been slowing down on this front in general.  Not that it's going to stop.  I don't think it ever will, well at least for the foreseeable future. 

Ahh just 2 hours to go!  I have a lot to get done!! 

Joaquin out.

Return To Asunder

Why does it happen?  Why do I keep dreaming dreams that feature people who I haven't seen in decades?  Not since school!  Do our schoolmates make up a ridiculous part of our schema?  Do they help define who we are, even if we do not socialise with them?  On that front, does anybody dream about me?  I don't think they do.  Just what the hell is going on with this body?  I don't know, things are just falling apart every second of every day.  And it only gets worse from this point!  I've reached peak me!  Hahaha!

Is no news good news?  Well it depends on what you you view as news.  But sometimes even silence can be deafening.  Where is everybody?  Nobody is here!  I hope you all enjoyed my error and sunk your teeth into last night's double post.  At least I can do my best to make this a regular thing (I mean posting, not double posting everyday).  Tomorrow we get back into the swing of things.

At least I've sent my essay to myself so I can get some work done here since I'm running on empty here.  That's okay, it's plenty of time to get things done.  But research is a bitch, because I have no time to get out and about to a library.  That's where the real magic happens.

Just sign me on up to get the hell out of here!  Got in a tiny bit of guitar last night.  Not enough to do anything with, but I am trying to experiment before devoting myself to actually re-learning how to play and getting all my skill back.

But then I'm just stuck in an imperfect cycle of asking myself what's the point, and why bother?  This life is just monotony, and I really don't see it getting better for anyone or everyone.  Sooo where does that leave us?  Where does that leave me?  Just asking questions that have no answers.  And how self-defeating is that?

The dryness of it all.  I've really just gotta take a step back and wait for things to reveal themselves to me, and then I can just read.  It's just like that isn't it?  It's a small change in behaviour, and it just repeats itself.  Then it becomes a habit.  And then slowly it could even become an addiction.  That's just how these things start, and how they continue to happen.

Damn it, still 3 hours to go before I can get out of here!  This is insane.  Time needs to go faster.  My time needs to go faster.  I think I've resolved myself to the fact that nobody can do it all.  Nobody can take it all in.  You're here, you realise it's all just a big fluke and you want out.  And that's it!  It's a sick joke.  So sick. 

I just want to thank the Pirate Bay!  Those geniuses!  If you haven't heard, their site went down a little earlier today after their HQ was raided in Sweden, and servers and other equipment were taken offline.  Then site then reappeared with a Costa Rican IP address.  So they had contingency plans in place!  Hahaha, they knew, and they acted.  That's good management right there, so well done to them in terms of managing risk.  I'm a big supporter of their activities.

We are all getting older, and we are all heading to the same place.  What did you die for?  What did you live for?  It comes down to factors nobody will ever truly know, because youth does not understand wisdom. 

Crap, I need to work faster and harder.  This has been a non-day.  This will be a non-life.  I always suspected it.  But I guess now I know that.  Back to my hole to crawl into and eventually die in.  But it's a place that exists both physically and metaphorically. 

Ahh now 35 minutes to go and just as I'm starting to gain some pace!  Haha but that's how it is.  That's the nature of life.  Taken when you just get the hang of it, all things being equal, but the body still failing miserably against the onslaught of time.

And just like that.

We are done.

Joaquin out.

Perfect Geometry

And an appreciation for those kind of things.  I'm trying my best to get things done.  Most of my work stuff is done.  It's just a matter of cranking out this essay now and I'll be a happy camper.  Trying my best to get back into guitar.  Just messed around a bit last night, and it was okay.  Nothing spectacular or anything to write home about.  I can definitely tell I've lost a lot of skill and muscle memory.  It'll be difficult to get it back to where it used to be, but I can try. 

This is all just so weird and unspectacular.  The wonder and amazement has just gone out of everything.  Existence is a grind.  But in the end there's not really anything to show for it.  Life is heavy in the air and it's weighing me down.  And here's a first!  It's been so long since I've regularly blogged, that I forgot to actually update the blog last night!  I'd sent my post for me to update but totally missed it.  So at least today you'll get two posts for the price of one.  It's all about value-blogging here!
Weirdly, I'm actually aching for a long night this weekend so I can get some work done.  It'll be nice to do. 

Some of these dreams are just getting weird I tell you.  Sometimes all too real.  Who are these people??  Is someone getting busted over there??  Maybe I've got the time now to get everything done.  That would take a load off for sure.

Have I had any good, intellectually stimulating thoughts lately?  I don't believe so.  Or else I would have just made some blognotes and I'd be telling you about it!  But let's have a bit of controversy shall we?  Our last Prime Minister was a woman, and there was a lot of apprehension from conservative circles because she did not have any children.  They thought she was 'deliberately barren' and appeared cold.  Women are ridiculously underrepresented in politics, so of course they're going to come from a wide range of backgrounds.  I'm sure not all the men in Parliament are married, or have children.  That doesn't bring into question their ability to govern.  But figure this - wouldn't women who have children be against the principles of so called conservative governance?  Conservative government favours small government and libertarian traits, but wouldn't mothers want to introduce a nanny state to 'protect' citizens?  Think about that for a bit.  It's a world of hypocrisy and out and out weirdness and nonsense.

It's nice to get back to blogging after so much time away.  Hopefully over the coming period I'll have better and more interesting stuff to say. 

Things are tough out there.  Nobody is going to help you.  We can't even help ourselves.  So why bother?  What's the point?  I just want to go to sleep and drift away from all of this.  Whatever this is.  And that's the problem!  You can't define it.  I can't define it.  It's all just a sick accident. 

Yikes, where is this post even going??  Oh well, one more for glory.  Oh man, this day has been too productive.  Will anything eventuate?  Oh for the love of god, there's still 2 hours to go before I can get out of here!  This is nuts.  What is going on with time??  Now it's an hour to go, I'm not procrastinating enough.

Joaquin out.

Freezing Driftwood

Another wasted weekend.  Another wasted morning.  Another wasted life.  But hey, that's just me.  I'm getting some work done.  Slowly but surely.  But there's other work that's more urgent that I want to get done. 

Yeah all there with your head lost up in the clouds.  I need to get back into things.  It's all a bit of a done deal at the moment.  Just need to make it through 60 minutes of this and I can get out of here.  My work is done.  I've been busy.  What more can you say?  Do I make the call?  Or is it all just a big bluff?  I can't do this!  I just can't do this right now man.  Maybe now that I've got some spare time I can get some stuff done.  What the hell am I talking about?  I have no spare time at all!!  I'm busy!!  I have work coming out of my freaking ears! 

I guess that's me.  It's all me.  Nothing but me.  I just want it to be done.  I didn't ask for any of this.  This was all against my will. 

Joaquin out.

A surprise to come...

Stilted Speech, Rising Heat

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything is just getting worse dramatically, and within a short space of time?  I'm having that.  Except it's not just related to one day.  It's been all of November, it's been December.  Maybe it's just my whole life now!  Yes, I've been busy, yes I've been out of it.  But there's nothing I can do.  What do you do when it's all stacked against you?  Everyone else is just making mistakes left right and centre.  I'm just not in the mood for this.  But it's coming for me.  I need out.  I just have to be done with it.  There's so much to do, and so little time.  Just horrible, cracking mistakes for the whole world to see.  Are people really that incompetent?  Well I suppose I'm to blame as well.

Yes, I've been busy.  No, I haven't had time to blog.  Why bother?  I've had nothing to say.  It's all disjointed and illogical anyway.  Focus has had to be in other places.  I feel the fire again.  It's warming me up.  So many wasted opportunities.  Time is just slipping away.

Chris Rock is so on the money these days.  Good on him for highlighting what's going on in the world. 

I don't want to do anything today.  Just sit here and let time drift away.  I just can't believe it.  I guess we all just start again.

Life can't just fall apart.  There was nothing there in the first place. 

I can best describe my life and frame of mind right now as one of disillusionment. 

Joaquin out.