Woke up yesterday, yet unable to move, realized that I've found myself in a bind again for the Nth time. Waking up and realizing that you've been getting screwed left and right is not a good feeling. Especially when you realize that you've let them do it to you. This is about the time of year when I contemplate what is it all for, and why I am here. Everyone has a mission statement, and this is the time I evaluate where I stand. And I've realized that I'm so far removed that I don't recognize the person looking in the mirror anymore. So I took the journey that I so needed to take. The usual dosage, lots of music, lying down on the floor naked, and contemplating till I figure out what is wrong with me. This time it was more aparent than it usually is. Crystal isn't even that clear.
Life is all about choices, one wrong choice, and then you're not able to live that down ever in you life. I will base this blog around with lines from "Make Yourself- Incubus" this seems to quite clearly explain what is exactly wrong. "If I hadn't made I'd be more inclined to bow." This is true, I've never let myself bow to what other people have to say. I am always in control of what I want to do, and what I feel like doing. I will make or break myself, but it will be all me. As of late, I've sorta forgotten the non conformist pig that is the essence of me, and have become more inclined to bow, a conformist. This needs to be rectified right now, before I decide that self-combustication is easier than to go on living like this. I have over the last year or so become a few peoples bitches, and I've given too much importance to what they might think, and do exactly what they ask of me. And now it is evident that I have no say what so ever. This I cannot allow!
That brings me to dominant groups, or the power holders. It doesn't matter weather they like you or not. At the end of the day, they will think of no one else but themselves. And that is a fact of life and history. Be it parents, bosses, whoever it may be. At the end of the day, you'll always be the one bending if you do not start with not looking for aproval and do your own thing to start with. I've spent a lot of time, trying to get on the good side of some perticular people, but it didn't matter now did it? It would have been the same weather they liked me or not, I will still be the last person they will think of. Unless they need something, then they call upon me, as I am bound to do it. I've merely become a pawn, and its not right. I will step back and make myself.
I've also left too much of my hapiness dependant on other people. And this is flawed from the start. Only if I had seen this from before. Only person who can make you completely happy is yourself, and once that is accomplished, others can aid to it. And if that is acomplished, then they cannot bring you down. In the power struggle, I've abandoned my ship altogether. No more, its time to take the power back. I will no longer expect the dominant group to do anything for me, and not depend on their decissions anymore. I will take it as its not going to happen anymore, and hence never be disappointed in the first place. It is much safer, and I will find other things that I can do on my own. I will make myself, and if I fuck me??!!?? I'll fuck me in my own way...
I've become soft, I've become dependant, and I've become completely helpless. Its time to take the power back. The day starts with me, and it will end with me. I am more powerful than anyone would like to ever admit, maybe not in the traditional sense of it. But I will be the one to make me. And as another year passes, and that time of contemplation is over, I am again aware of what I need to be. There is no need for any massive change, just a mere change in attitude, and a willingness not to just give in. That I have been reborn with as of last night. So I wait for the next 12 months till I am back at this spot, and then I will evaluate myself as to how I've gone about fucking myself over. Untill then I am in control, and ready to take it all on. I have my arms open and will to take what may come my way, because I am no longer afraid of myself. The day starts with me, and it sure will end with me...
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