Where Do We Go From Here?

Filter asked this question some time ago, yet I am only considering its implications now.

Been so sick for a long time now. I'm not exercising, yet still eating the same, and I am rapidly losing weight. I wonder if it's depression? Going to need a blood test this week. Hope it's terminal.

That point, you know the one. Where the fire has just totally gone out, and you have no motivation anymore. That's where I am. That's where I have been for the past 2 months. Ever since it happened.

You don't know if you can find the strength to say you're ok, to say things are going to be alright. Just the call exists. Die. Kill yourself. I see myself in the mirror, I see myself in photos and I don't know who that guy is. I simply don't. He's a stranger to me. I don't like him. And I want to kill him. But I have no motivation to even do that.

This is just bullshit. A bullshit existence. A bullshit life.

There's no point contemplating why I'm here when I already know that I don't want to be here.

Falling apart at the seams I didn't even know existed.

Turning myself inside out.

Is revenge the only thing keeping me going? That's a sad thought.

I need my answers. I need my fucking answers. Not this stalling bullshit, not the you're too busy bullshit. Not the, you have no time, because you're out on a date bullshit.  Some fucking answers.