Holding Over

Just for now.

I'm home sick at the moment, Doctors orders.

I'm just going to sleep and work in my down time, sounds sick doesn't it?

Haha, oh well!

I'm going to try to get better at least.

I'll try blogging properly tomorrow.

Enjoy folks, take care.

Joaquin out.

Yahooligans & Tabouli

Didn't get much sleep last night. Just been too damn sick to actually sleep properly. And as a result I am now ridiculously tired, and it is only the start of the working day, FML. This sickness is making me tired, yet I can't sleep!! It's a vicious circle!! My own personal hell! Haha, I'm such a drama queen!

If I wasn't tired or working, I could really go down for a long pointless drive, and just seeing where the road takes me. Don't really have the fortitude to go for a sojourn. Just really need to take some large strength painkillers and get some rest. It would be really nice to go at least 2 weeks without having to see a doctor.

What buffoonery is this? Why am I wasting my time here? What's worse is that I cannot get any leave for the forseeable future, until I finish this important project I am working on at the moment, that is going to last a few months.

There are some unique identifiers in the world. I don't even know where I'm going with this train of thought! Just thought I'd mention it.

Again, just another day of barely any work and a lot of wikipedia reading. They're paying me too much to do pretty much nothing.

The concept of heaven is very interesting. If you wind up there, what do you get? In some religious texts you get a fancy garden and what not. But what if that's not what you like? Doesn't that mean you are subject to someone elses view of heaven? Where is the reward in that? But what about the other scenario, when you get what you want? Wouldn't you just wish for pretty much what you have now? A partner, a house, something to wile away the time? That's life right now! Why do I want an eternity of that? I recall the Red Dwarf novel Better Than Life where the characters are stuck in a virtual reality game where they are rewarded with their subconscious desires. The novel explained that versions of the game where you get what you wanted were not addictive enough - but the subconscious desires were what hooked people to playing the new version. So what if heaven is like that? Be careful what you (didn't even know you) wished for!

Damn it, I had something interesting to say, and I have promptly forgotten it! My memory isn't so good in my old age, haha. God, how bad is it going to be as I get older?!

I look at the clock and think to myself that it's only about 25 minutes or so until I can go home. Then I don't know how in the hell I survived my last job, when I would have still had 4-5 hours more to go until I could go home! Jesus, it seems so alien and long ago now.

Shit, it's only Wednesday? Damn, and it's not a pay week either! Just hanging out for a friends party this weekend. Hopefully it goes by quicky.

Fuck it, that's it for today.

Joaquin out.

Shifting Priorities

Just so sick at the moment. I thought I was getting better, but in the last week or so I have just gotten expotentially worse. I probably shouldn't even be at work, but here I am! I just feel utterly awful.

There is a thing in most religions about going forth and multiplying, and that there will always be enough to provide. I question that, I really do. We live on a planet with finite resources. There has to be a tipping point where population growth outweighs sustainability, and from that point, we're all just screwed, basically. Unless there is a major war or a major disease to throw everything back into balance, it's lights out.

Just another day reading wikipedia. Could I pay someone to have this patience?

It is absolutely effing freezing here. Should have gone for a drive, it tends to settle my nerves, and I can have the heater on too!

Just feel like playing guitar right now, though I suspect when I go home, all I'll want to do is sleep, which I cannot do because being sick causes me to not sleep, and that just makes me feel even worse! Just no winning, really!

I thought I had something to say, but it turns out that once again, I do not. It will be blog introspective time in a few months. I don't know if I can be bothered to do a write up, but I will make sure I read all the posts. Things will get nuts from this year, methinks!

There's just nothing to do, really. I could fall asleep right now. It's still 2 hours till home time!! How am I going to make it?!

Joaquin out

Just Another Day

Another boring, dull, pointless day. How did I make it through the day considering I slept so little last night? The stress of it all just makes it difficult. It was incredibly busy at work today. Another thing. More, always more.

I didn't realise I had a stamina for such things. I'm a little lightheaded, I can't wait for dinner tonight.

I'm sitting here wondering, am I burnt out?

I hope Patrick Stump tours his album in Australia. That guy is seriously underrated. Probably hands down the best musical talent of our generation.

Well with that, I've run out of things to say.

Surprise, surprise.

It Is Just

During my sojourn the other day I realised that this is a bloody massive country.

Many places I've never been to.  Just people, absolutely everywhere.

Don't even get me started on how big things are when you look at things on a global scale.

Then again, we don't really get the picture in our own cities, in our own suburbs, in our own streets.  Maybe even sometimes our own houses.

Food for thought.

Beating Slowly

My heart hurts.

As in it actually physically hurts.

I wonder if something is wrong.

That's right, there is.

I hope I can sleep tonight.  I really do.

But already I'm starting to overthink it.

Goddamn it.

This Is What Dreams Do To You

Do absolutely nothing but ruin you. Why? Why did it have to happen? I wanted to get up early and go to the gym, but instead I slept in. I hit snooze on my alarm. That 30 minute window was all I needed. I saw you in my dreams. When I did not want to see you. You were with me in bed and we were just holding each other, like old times. I felt happy. I felt like it was meant to be. It truly was a dream. Because then I woke up and I was devastated again. It was not what I wanted.

Those thirty minutes. That roundabout. Damn it. Why?? WHY?! Again, I just need more time.

I wonder about what I used to be like. How I've changed in the interim. What you've done to me. I'm definitely not the same.

Just need to take a time out from life, you know. Something completely different. It's warmer over there, isn't it?

I feel like I have so much work to do, yet I look at my task list and there's not anything I can do because it's all in other people's hands.

Every song is about this. Or at least I'm interpreting it this way.  I don't want to listen anymore.

Even blogging has gotten harder because I don't really know what to say. Don't want to check my e-mails or do anything.

Can it just be home time now, so that I can drink away my sorrows and watch pointless tv?

I just realised that I have not played chess in a very long time.  Damn it, I suppose I should get a free app on my iPhone and get playing again. I'm not even sure I remember how to play.

Let me understand it.

Don't Overthink It, Just Do It

A busy day at work, so no time to really blog things out properly. This is only going to get worse as the days wear on and I get busier and busier. Damn it, I can't stop thinking about roundabouts and speed cameras. It's just another source of anxiety for me right now when I don't need it. At least tomorrow is Friday, and the weekend may bring some peace with it. Oh wait a minute, no it won't.

Damn it, all I want to do, all I need to do right now is sleep, and I can't do that! It's just near impossible for me to sleep properly.

I just want to reach a point in my life where I can be happy. Then again I also want to reach a point in my life where I don't need to question if I am happy, and just live it.

When will things be ok?

Just let these next few months just pass by. I need time, damn it, I need time.

The Road To Nowhere & Crazy Times

Well fuck. Holy fuck. This should have come yesterday, but last night my body just gave the mcfuck up and I passed out.

Yesterday was a fucking odyssey. Did something I probably shouldn't have done, and I knew it, but I did it anyway.

I have never driven so far before, especially in one day. Especially on roads I've never been on before. 600kms in a day. Some of those roads were ridiculously insane to drive.

I slept poorly. Then I stayed in my car the whole time. My back is now seriously fucked! I've never had back pain before!

It was a true test of my stamina, I had not slept, I only ate breakfast, and I had many many hours of nothing to do. It was bloody 12 hours straight in the car! It was an 18 hour day! Jack Bauer, kiss my ass! My legs still hurt, they feel like lead weights. My body is in painful recovery.

I don't know how I'm alive. The numbers would dictate that I should have had an accident on the way. How utterly reckless. What's more is that I failed in my ultimate objective. There were times when I thought it could have been pulled off, but I lacked the time, but even then, I was foiled at the last possible moment. Fucking roundabouts and speed cameras!!! Thwarting my attempts! If that car hadn't had gone when it did, I would have been able to drive on ahead. Now I am basically back to square one. Well, almost.

I could have broken my resolve, but I chose not to. I'm just a bit angry and upset at the moment because in the end I failed. Who knows how long the day could have been. Fucking crazy times, I don't know if I could do it again. But I just need more time. And I need to take a bit of a risk. Fuck! Now I'm just upset! Stupid roundabout! Should I have just driven straight? But too much time had passed. We'll see what happens in time, I suppose.

Had a really vivid dream last night. I don't recall the last time I remembered my dream with such great clarity. But then again that probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm finding it impossible to sleep lately. Doesn't matter if I sleep late or early, I will inevitably awaken early, I think of you straight away, and there is
too much stress and sadness and despair and pain to be able to focus on anything else, and I cannot sleep again. Now I'm all stressed and pensive, damn it. It still stings, you know. It was both of our fault. Why can't I have more time??

Getting very heavily back into guitar. It's not like I didn't play before, but I'm totally devoting myself to it now. Just trying to remember all the songs I've learned so that I can always play them when I want. Should also probably properly learn my own material so I don't need to have the tabs open when I play the damn song!

I have a confession to make: I've never seen Starsky and Hutch (the new version with Ben Stiller), but I still do the "Do It" joke, and people still understand me. I don't get why it's so funny?

I remember when I started working that Weevilyn (haha) would always pick me up on starting my e-mails like this:

Dear Whoever,
                         Blah blah blah.

She would always get loopy about the indentation. But that's how you're meant to write letters! It flows naturally for the line of sight. But in the end I did relent and have been writing it like that ever since, except on those odd occasions where I have to actually hand-write a letter.

Holy moly I'm tired. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep at work, which is not good, considering I have a meeting in 20 minutes. Who the hell schedules a meeting so late in the work day?? Haha I think I did have a microsleep.

Oh well. Here's to more of the same.

Running With Heartache

Just continuously running. Never stopping. I don't even feel pain anymore. It's just the constant reminder that there is heartache.

What does tomorrow bring? Can I get to where I want to go?

I'm about to pass out. I think it's bed time for me.

In That Case

Well that was a surreal experience.

Pretty sure I was busted by a bird this afternoon.

Don't ask me what I was doing!

Don't really want to go to work tomorrow, but I will.

Not feeling that crash hot all of a sudden either.

Take care, folks.

Joaquin out.

Blogonzola

You know, I think all these issues started occurring the week I bought Just Cause 2 and the expansions to GTA4. No wonder I haven't played any of those games, it's just too painful.

What's the strength of my resolve? So many things I don't know about myself. Being forced to apparently 'spiritually' grow. I don't know what this all means. I find myself becoming quite the cynic.

It's a weird life, you know. The whole Occupy protests are based on the concept that 1% of society controls a vast majority of available wealth. But yet you read and hear about stories of uneducated people like miners and tradesmen who are raking in ridiculous amounts of money. Then there's also talk of executive salaries steadily on the increase and what not. I look around where I live and where I used to live in Sydney and there's nothing but mansions and expensive high rises. I ask myself, where are the 99%? You just don't see them. They exist, but you are not paying attention. And don't be concerned, this isn't hypocrisy, because I can assure you that I don't earn all that much. For every big house and expensive car that you see, just think about how many dilapidated houses, stretched budgets and homeless people there are, to account for that 99%-1% discrepancy.

Ah, just sitting and waiting for Monday week to pass me by. Things should be hilarious!

Just realised that I have surpassed the all time number of posts for the year!  Not bad, eh?  But I guess when we talk about quality...well let's not talk about quality!

Here's to a failing state of mind.

Joaquin out.

Planes, No Trains, Some Automobiles

Off for a work trip tomorrow.
Heading to a bloody natural disaster area.

Fuck!

Things are going successfully, though I did wish I stuck around to see how things panned out.

You have taxoplasmosis, don't you?  I'm sure of it.

God Is Telling Me

The door is always open.

I hope so, I really hope so.

Redemption should be on the other side.

Forever and ever - amen.

Note To Self

156 divided by 53
Or was it 153 divided by 56?

I forgot what sum I was trying to solve.
The solutions don't even hold any relevance for me!

To This

Took the day off cause I needed it...

Nobody cares where I am.

Nobody cares what I do.

Fuck you.

Let's see what tomorrow has in store.

The Thing About Heartbreak is...

You don't sleep. You stay up at night thinking about what happened and why it happened. It's so hard to reconcile, especially when there are no answers. Then you find yourself awake early in the morning, well before your alarm goes off, and the thoughts are back in your head. You don't go back to sleep. You just stay there and you don't want to move. You don't want to do anything. You don't want to exist.

Just sitting here tapping the keyboard, thinking of what to write. Does it even matter?

In this haze of depression I realised that we'd notched up 800 posts, which is pretty piss poor for a blog that's been around since 2004. But it's still something, right?

Had blood tests this morning. I'm hoping for really bad news, that would eventually put me out of my misery.

I could just go on a total bender of cocaine and booze right now. Considering I've never done cocaine and I don't really drink, that would be marvellous. Maybe I could OD?

Fuck it, I have no motivation to be here. I am not coming in to work tomorrow. I doubt anyone will notice.

Blogging In A Vacuum

Just writing here. But its lost its joy. Its lost the cathartic aspect that used to bring me relief.

I can't go by the places we used to go. I cannot listen to the music we listened to together. I cannot live in this city where you and I fell in love.

What is justice? It's a concept that doesn't exist. I've learned that today.

Can I fight to get it back? Who knows?

Where Do We Go From Here?

Filter asked this question some time ago, yet I am only considering its implications now.

Been so sick for a long time now. I'm not exercising, yet still eating the same, and I am rapidly losing weight. I wonder if it's depression? Going to need a blood test this week. Hope it's terminal.

That point, you know the one. Where the fire has just totally gone out, and you have no motivation anymore. That's where I am. That's where I have been for the past 2 months. Ever since it happened.

You don't know if you can find the strength to say you're ok, to say things are going to be alright. Just the call exists. Die. Kill yourself. I see myself in the mirror, I see myself in photos and I don't know who that guy is. I simply don't. He's a stranger to me. I don't like him. And I want to kill him. But I have no motivation to even do that.

This is just bullshit. A bullshit existence. A bullshit life.

There's no point contemplating why I'm here when I already know that I don't want to be here.

Falling apart at the seams I didn't even know existed.

Turning myself inside out.

Is revenge the only thing keeping me going? That's a sad thought.

I need my answers. I need my fucking answers. Not this stalling bullshit, not the you're too busy bullshit. Not the, you have no time, because you're out on a date bullshit.  Some fucking answers.

Cause I've Been Cheated, I've Been Wronged

Let's just see what happens.

We'll see what happens, indeed.