I Really Think It's Just A Matter Of Time...

I'll try to make this quick. I've noticed that ever since I've come back "home", I've fallen into old habits pretty quickly. Sleeping at 2am+ most nights, but I've been sleeping very well since there's absolutely no noise out in the suburbs. I know this is going to kick me in the ass on Monday morning, and I'll probably feel it all the way till the end of the week.

I remembered the day after I arrived that I forgot to submit my timesheet on Thursday afternoon, and now I'm hoping I can submit it before the next week rolls over on the performance reports due on Monday, or else it's going to show that I didn't work at all last week, which I'm sure I'll be grilled about. It's stopped me from enjoying being here, even though I must say it's pretty surreal. That's just the worst, when work interferes with your personal life, and it's not how things should be.

I have free time now and not knowing what to do with your free time is a scary proposition. It's fucked up everyone I know who is working full time this year! Oh well.

So yes, I picked up my guitar and boy, do I suck. It's not a great feeling when I KNOW that I was great at the guitar, and I've been without one for 3 and a bit months and now I'm just utterly shocking. I can remember some things but my execution is incredibly poor. Some basic things just take ages now and are pretty inaccurate. Even funnier, my fingers hurt HORRIBLY even after just a few minutes. What's worse is that I'm not even taking my guitars back this time, so it's going to be a while till I can get decent again. I think I might buy a guitar there too on top of a computer. Hello Martin or Maton or Ovation, yes, finally and fuck, I can afford one so why not?

Good to see you Lofo today (I can't think of a proper name for you just yet)! Make sure you blog more! Dakota sucked. Make sure you send me that dance song before I leave! Have a nice day folks, Joaquin out.

I've Returned & I Have Come For You All

D: "You know 90% of homeless people suffer from one of the three main mental illnesses?"
S: "Drinking?"

Priceless, had us laughing for a while. So yes, I have returned back home for a few days over this long weekend. I'm also not prepared to post to my blog at work or check it there considering the content of some of the posts, and cause I would like to offer my honest opinion about work, and since we are watched closely there, that would not be very smart.

Yes, as you've probably all guessed, I don't live here anymore, my place interstate is alright. It's a 2 bedroom apartment which I don't share. Rent is a little nuts. It's pretty big, which is nice, but the building is old so I can hear street level noise and I can always hear the front door of the apartment complex being opened and closed. At least my neighbours are fairly quiet and I don't have to see them much.

The pay at work is incredibly good, but after tax and after expenses (transport, rent, groceries), it does get eaten away a fair bit, but I now have more money in my savings than I've ever had in my whole life which feels rather nice, and it'll feel even nicer after next week's pay day.

I haven't really had any major purchases either, but I'm hoping to build a nice super comp and buy it within 2 weeks. Specs: Intel Core 2 Dual Core 3.0 Ghz (MINIMUM) processor (or AMD equivalent), 4 gig RAM, 500 Gig HD, 2x DVD Burners, 7.1 Supported Soundcard, 512 MB 8800GT Nvidia video card, Digital TV Tuner, 24" LCD Flatscreen ohhhh I'm freaking out just thinking about it. Quotes I've had so far have been cheaper than I thought it would be so I'm happy.

So what's life like now? Pretty solitary I must say. My weekday consists of work and work only, Up at 7:25am, breakfast change etc and run off to train station, into work by 8:10-8:15 and working till about 7pm most days. We get an hour off for lunch, but I've had to eat at my computer a lot, while I'm working. Work is incredibly busy and we're actively encouraged (*forced*) to continually ask for more work. We're required by policy to have at least two days of work ahead of us at any given time. We also are given exams that we must pass every month. This continues for most of your career there. The work I do is boring and tedious. I effectively make rich people richer. The average person, or even a slightly well off person could not afford our services without being declared bankrupt. I realised that by my second day that I was destined to live out the rest of my life staring at a computer screen, feeding the wheel. Life isn't meant to be about that, it's meant to be about living. I haven't done a SINGLE thing that's remotely interesting in my weekends. My Saturdays are devoted solely to groceries and chores. Before I know it Sunday is here and I relax for a day and then it's Monday too quickly and I'm cursing the world.

The train ride in the morning is depressing. School kids need to be banned from public transport. They absolutely wreak. How can you smell first thing in the morning?! And you're trapped on a train, when it's packed, it's awful I say!! But at least it's school holidays now so it's been nicely civil.

I've realised that my workplace hires Type A personalities. The type that always think they're right no matter what, overtly extroverted and just really odd people. I don't know what I'm doing there, I'm the complete opposite of these people! One thing that really stands out is the social situations, I've heard 10 minute conversations about brands of Tuna. Fuck, if The Office hadn't been out already, I would have made it myself! Some days I just feel like smacking my head against the cubicle. Nobody really understands what they're doing, and they don't question why we're doing it, they just do it, and I feel like a corporate whore. It was honestly a big mistake to go there. I hate that place, that kind of work and that city. Oh my god, that city. I've always said I'd like to visit there cause there's nice things to see. But I've become just like the masses, I don't notice the sights, just head down and keeping to myself. It's awful. Should have stayed here and taken the job that sounded interesting.

What's even worse is that now I've come back "home" and it doesn't feel like home. It doesn't even seem vaguley familiar. That's an awful feeling. At least the city seems normal. Too many people back there! All weirdos. I also live in a pretty snobby area, and I guess given the job I have, I guess I've developed the same sort of attitude. There are certain people I hate and certain parts of the city I don't go to, and I pay out people from those areas.

I had a lot of things to say but now I can't remember a goddamn thing! You can probably guess I don't have a computer at home, so I don't do a lot there. I study for exams and watch tv. My brother was nice enough to give me his old Xbox so I play Halo, Project Gotham and Fifa 2004. Halo is really a lot of fun. It's not your standard shooter, I've found myself having to use tactics and strategy many times in order to get out of places alive. I've never played anything like it, plenty of fun. PG is easily the best looking car game I've ever played but I'm not happy with the lack of variety in terms of cars and tracks, I guess Gran Turismo is the way to go. Fifa 2004 looks great, but I have Fifa 2005 on PC which looks way better and plays well. But I have to say, these classic lineups are dynamite, and I've scored some wicked goals. I'm using Real Madrid until my contract is fulfilled. I've also bought Van Der Vaart and Kewell, and it has been nothing but grand fun.

A big welcome to the other's friend, I've enjoyed reading those posts, and it's good to see the other keeping up with regular blogging. The new look is fantastic! Heard some great songs lately that I've downloaded, which I must check out now so that's it for now. I'll try to blog a lil bit more before I leave but no promises. Have a nice day folks!

The real anarchy in my mind...

I think there is a time in everything, when it all starts over again. Where it ends is where it starts, a constant cycle. Why must everything be so linear? Just so we can leave things behind, and forget they happened? Its a scary thought, but what if everything did happen in cycles, and there was a way to find our way back to the start, would be make the same mistakes... This is a thought that I probably went to bed with, and just woke up thinking about it. What do we really know about anything? All know is there is a reason, which I shall know hopefully someday...

There is a real overload of work that I have on my plate, and I don't think its the ideal sort of work for someone like me. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I can do this, as long as I do whats required, but this thought is on another tangent. I have a need to know everything as soon as possible, and I'm not happy till that point of satisfaction is reached. I've learned many things over night, or over a few days, all of those days filled with a lot of studying, and very little sleep. I remember learning PHP in 3 days to complete a project that I was required to work on. This gradual learning is what gets me really anxious, as I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, which they tell me will appear soon, but till it does, I'm not going to be able to rest in peace. This is a huge project, a year long one. I can't expect myself to know all its gears immediately, but I so want to know it all right now, and this is whats making me struggle. I have to somehow learn to let go of these anxious desires, and take it a bit slower. Hopefully, soon I'll be able to deal with these issues more naturally.


Anyways, I have to get down to doing some reading. Have a good one...

Moving on into my own...

Somehow, in life, I aways find a way to forget about myself. What I need isn't always on top of my priority list, and that always causes a great deal of dissatisfactions for myself. Its time to grab a hold of my reins again, somehow I lost control. Too often I've put what others need in front of what I need, or whats best for me. Whether I get what I need in return or not. When it gets to that, the best thing to do probably is to go back into your own. I was once introduced to a song which always reminds me of this.

Poem - Taproot

This song is a poem to myself,
it helps me to live,
in case of fire,
break the glass,
and move on into your own...

The only person who can fully make yourself feel good, is probably yourself. I can't forget myself, I must remember what is important to me, and what it is that I want. If its not there, to stop wasting time on it, move on into your own...

I don't really think that democracy is working, or any other such ideologies for that matter. On paper, they all work, and they all have valid points, and should run properly, that is in an ideal world. Unfortunately this world is filled with Humans, and we are all flawed. There is nothing we can do about this thing. We have feelings, and sometimes these feelings can be oh so wrong. This is why all these ideologies are flawed to begin with. Its possible that all of this would work, if we were less human and more machines, but then again, we all know the fears of letting machines take over the world would be like. This world is built on paradoxes, and these paradoxes rule our this world...

I am an advertiser, yes, I've sold my soul to the devil. I persuade people to buy things, I make things look better than they are, I make creative little things to grab peoples attentions. But I never deny any of this either. I do it because, everything in this world (a capitalistic world, which we live in) requires you to be good at what you do. I'm good at this, and this will enable me to provide for the people who I may have to provide for in the future. I've somehow become very needy, and need a lot of things in this world, and for that we require money. If I am here, in this world, the least I can do is enjoy the things that I do enjoy. If that has to happen, then I need a certain amount of money, and so I do what I have to with my life.

There is no such thing as a world that works. This world is simply flawed. If it wasn't there wouldn't be so much unrest, there wouldn't be so many problems, and there wouldn't be so much unhappiness. But this all must be here for a particular reason, whatever it is. We can't fix it, but we can try and learn all we can from it. I have become very irritated with people who think that they can solve everything in this world, rather than accept its flaws. For instance, journalists believe in their so called "objectivity" and their power to uphold their so called "democracy." If democracy works so well, why is there so many problems with it, why is there miscounting in elections, and why are governments corrupt?? This is all because none of this really works, and journalists just make themselves feel better by thinking about their "objectivity" and that their role in this world is to be watch dogs of society. This is such an elitist view of the world, an more journalists in this world are definitely elitist in nature. In reality, they do all the same things I do, they persuade people into believing things. The difference is I admit to it, they try and deceive you into believing otherwise. So now, who is the bigger evil. If the other come to reading this, he may not appreciate it, but this is how I feel, and I also believe that he would understand where I'm coming from. As of this morning, I am seriously pissed off with these people who think they are making this world a better place with their practice. No one in this world does anything without a motive. We are all human after all. I think wars like Iraq are caused by people believing everything they hear in the news, and then going on to believe that they really know something about the world. Experiencing is knowing, vicarious knowledge is not...


I am definitely not the happiest person in the world at the moment, and I think a "time out" is needed. I'm going to stop wasting time on lost causes, and I'm going to move on into my own...

The tones have gone def...

Sometimes, the clothes you wear make you feel a certain way. Maybe because of the way that it makes you look, or because they have some magical power. I woke up this morning, and pulled out my deftones t-shirt. Who would have known that it was going to transform my entire day. The day progressed to becoming a total tribute to this fantastic band. I've always liked deftones, but somehow over the years, lost track of what they were doing, and hadn't listened to the last 2 releases that they have had. I can't really explain what it was, but their sound just completely took me away today. I think I just understood them in a completely different light... Now waiting for their new release thats due sometime in July.

Everyone gets carried away with their lives, and I think thats even more the case these days. The friends who meant the world to me, I rarely see. Possibly because the circles have changed, or possibly because everyone is too obsessed with the one thing that is a big part of their lives at that moment. Whatever it is, we're all guilty of being too self involved. And the result of this is usually a falling out of peoples lives that you were so connected to before hand. I know the friends that are always going to be there, the ones who randomly make time for you, and you do the same for them. That is all it takes, but most people keep putting it off. And by putting it off, we realize how unimportant it is to us. I wish I had more time, to look towards the people who mean so much, but they don't aways return the same, so it just so happens, that we break away...

Is it a waste of time? To spend it on things that we want to do, even if the outcome is not what we wanted? Or is the fact that we pursued it, make it worth while??

Ignoring silence...

Reaching for the last stone, intently poised. One more pull, and then to victory. Anticipating for so long. Like that old bottle of wine, sitting in the cellar. The chance to see, or rather foresee. The future, take the short cuts, and reach his destiny. Will it be perfect, just like snow gathered on the trees? Untouched, perfect. Just like he had always dreamed? But what if its true? That no one ever gets what they need? This darkness is all there is. Hollow and dark. Tainted with the smiles of the past. Do we accept it, refute it, or are we always unforgiven? Screaming in pain. Our memories of the safest states, all tainted. Ink everywhere, dark as day. What if, what if, it is true, that no one gets out alive. Would he still choose to know? Would he still reach for that last stone? Or will that stone give, and bring to him his demise?

I realized that its been a while since I've written anything abstract, and it used to be my preferred style of writing. That is probably inspired by a whole host of thoughts that have been part of my worried quarter for a while. Also, I'm currently listening to Nine inch nails - Ghosts I-IV and shear beauty of these sounds are inexplicable. I've realized that there is just something about industrial music, that just turns me on. The art thats surrounded by that scene is also the sort that I absolutely love. I know must people would write off any of this as art, but grunge, static, noise, distortion, industrialization is absolute beauty. Maybe there is beauty in darkness, we just tend to over look it. Once we get used to it, we may absolutely cherish it.

There were feelings before that I used to enjoy, used to wait to feel. Things have changed, I don't look and perceive things the same way. Once a feeling that I embraced, now one that I want to expel from my system. Its a good thing.

Have I been running after the wrong rabbit?? Or am I doing so right now?? Which way should I go?? And how am I to know??

Somedays I'm on my knees...

I was hoping to get a lot more done today, but landed up with nothing to show for the day, other than this new template design. It just so happens that today was one of those days, where I just felt like sitting back and doing some design work. The idea is simple, I like looking at my handwriting, and so why not have it here on this blogger. Hehe reminds me of Joffy's suggestion, as I told him that it was quite painful for me to write these days. He said "take your tablet, and make yourself a Knaves Font." I didn't see the point, as I can just type everything anyways. But I might end up doing one sometime. I've got a lot of essay work piling up, and I think I'm going to have to get my act together in the next few days, and get my life sorted out. Unfortunately for me, I have a big day of work coming up tomorrow, but nothing I can't handle.

Its best to not let your mind wonder off to places, where it shouldn't go, theres a reason why it shouldn't go there, it only gets you in trouble. For example, stop dreaming about something that you don't need, because if you do, you'll start needing it, and then when you can't have it, you're bound to get upset. So the simple solution is to want nothing. I think the Buddhist monks had the right idea, its just so hard with all these things in this world, that are just oh so attractive...

Things just aren't going my way today, my new 300mm lens came in today, but my phone decided to go against me, and not let Joffy connect to me, and hence now I'm left over the weekend waiting for it, and once I get it on Monday, I can't use it, as I have to get that essay out of the way. Sometimes, things just don't go your way.


Alright, little bit about the new template. Its simple, and thats the idea. As I said earlier, I'm trying to simplify things, and hence its time to simplify the blog as well. Sorta following the Web 2.0 aesthetics, except I didn't think it needed any gradients, or rounded edges. I like it as it is, in black and white.

I'll leave you with these thoughts, as I haven't really thought about anything constructive today anyways :P

Am I merely a brown idiot??

After a long discussion with one of my classmates, we've came to a conclusion that Universities are going to the shits. Years ago, Universities were full of people who wanted to be there to enrich their lives, or simply to use their head to add knowledge to an already existing pool of knowledge, and increase its capacity. The idea was that everyone would discuss ideas, enlighten their minds, and in the process refine knowledge as time went on. This is no absolute truth, or one way of thinking, and hence everything had to be questioned for it to constantly be in check, and so that the knowledge was constantly evolving with the new knowledge that comes in. This was progress...

Somehow, going to University became the "norm" as if it was the only way to get anywhere in life. It is probably mostly an issue of economics and business. Universities relied on their students' to meet their financial goals. This was not so much of an issue with public universities, it is the private universities who've brought about this downfall of this realm. Constantly aiming for more profit, and hence admitting more students. In the name of education they fill their banks with money. With their marketing efforts making everyone think that this was the only path to a better life that everyone needs. People can have great lives with specialization, not everyone needs a University degree. In this sense, universities have become "cheapened." The people who come to universities, come here to just merely attain what they are here to do, and not really challenge themselves in anyway. Never adding any criticism or value to the knowledge that we are here to analyze. Its a shame, people don't take interest in what they are learning, and hence makes the whole exercise less beneficial for the ones who are there for the envisioned dream.
People turn up to class so well dressed (and not in the traditional sense), but as Miss 8 points out, as if they are out clubbing. No wonder being a student holds no values in anyones eyes. We are seen more as a nuisance. And its a shame.

Also the people of today are becoming quite ignorant. Around the world, people spend less time learning about what has happened in the past. We can only protect ourselves from future mistakes only if we pay attention to the mistakes of the past. The past holds great value, that the present can never show. This can be seen in one of my favorite quotes:

"Those who control the present, control the past. And those who control the past, control the future." - George Orwell 1984

That line in itself shows the persuasive nature of the past, if we know what has happened in the past, then we can base our future judgments on that past. So the past is really where we learn, the present is already become past by the time we have understood it. The reason why I bring this up is because it has come to my attention that a lot of people around the world have no idea about imperialism, or colonialism. I am not saying this for them to feel bad about the past, but so that they know the truth. Many people believe that the developed nations of the world are simply developed because they are superior than the non developed nations. That certain people are just inherently more stupid than others. This is where racism originated from. But for most, I guess ignorance is bliss, and in their eyes, my opinion will be less valuable than anyone else's.... This is where I leave you tonight...

Addictions...

Decided to simplify the layout of the blog a little bit. I'm kinda trying to simplify as much as possible, so why shouldn't the blog take the same road?? This will do for now, if somehow during the two week break, I find a lot of free time on my hands, which I doubt, then I'll make another layout, but don't count on it ;).

I've just realized that I love coffee. I've always liked coffee, but this is more about love. It allows me to do the things that I want to do, keeps my concentration level up, and tastes pretty damn good. I've been more productive than I have been on most occasions of this semester. So for now, I've decided that lots of coffee is a good thing. I think this years going to have a lot of coffee in it.

Started one addiction, and think of the old one in retrospect. Its quite scary how my mind can be institutionalized so fast. Just over a month ago, I was smoking about a pack everyday. I've quit, and last night, I realized that I don't spend anytime wanting a cigarette anymore. I don't really like the after smell on people, and I stay away from them. And that also brings me to new rule... Not dating a girl that smokes...

I've been told that there is Dr. Pepper somewhere in this city, and I'm going to have to locate this stock. That would simply make my year. And also figured out that we don't get pop tarts in this country!!! Hehe I guess I never went looking for it, so I never knew. When will we really have complete global marketing??