Reign Of The Non-Apologists

This one is all about a new name.  I've never known anyone by that name before.  Or at least been close to them. 

I feel uncomfortable with everything.  I woke up this morning freezing and I felt that life did not agree with me.  Well I don't agree with life.  Why do I need to get up?  Why do I need to be here?  Why do I need to do anything?  There's no point second-guessing.  I should just know that I'm wrong from the get-go.  But at least my waiting period is done!  I can finally talk, and I'm happy to.  It's just what I need, actually!  It has been far too long. 

The tiredness has crept back in and all I want to do is sleep.  I can't focus.  I can't concentrate on anything at all.  Even if it's the stuff I like doing!  That's not a good sign.  I would just like to feel ok.  Is that too much to ask? 

Nothing grandiose to say, no meaning to be drawn from anything.  It is all chaos.  We only try to get meaning from things because we are all scared and lost.  Desperate for some sort of explanation so we reach out and cling to anything that surrounds us.  That doesn't make it truth.  Not objectively, anyway.  It only becomes our truth because we make it.  I'm not going to ask, because I don't want to know what the answer is.  I've aged ridiculously over the past few years.  Stress has gotten the better of me I think.  It's not like I had strength anyway.  I want to just pass out where I am.  I'm not cut out for this. 

Nobody wants to apologise for anything.  At least not anymore.  It used to be a show of being mature, being the bigger person.  But now it's all about pride, and not showing any weakness, and generally, society has suffered as a result.  I've been getting back in to Salon.com and their articles.  I first got into it during University as I was introduced by a tutor there.  It's really changed!  It is now very aggressively left wing, but using a very tabloid-y approach to stories.  I think the journalism itself is still strong, but the way it clickbaits people is really a bit on the nose.  But I'll keep reading!

I hope I haven't set a new precedent, that wouldn't be good for me.  But it would be my own fault, I guess!  As per usual.  Keep calm and carry on, I say.

I'm really fed up with the hypocrisy of so called 'developed' nations.  Australia has one of the worst human rights records in the world.  Just look at the treatment of the indigenous population.  Look at how we treat refugees.  Look at how we treat ourselves.  We have handed the government so much power to do anything with information about us.  We do it so willingly, and those who dare to question it are branded traitors, or get accused of having something to hide.  But places like this are always quick to point out human rights violations in places like China and North Korea, and claim to be superior as a result.  It's all just for political gain.  It's just for you to hate someone else and regard them as inferior.  It's all just grose hypocrisy.  We really need to re-think all forms of government, because none of them appear to work.  The political economy is a flawed game.

I really hate to beat on like a broken record, but something is really not right with the weather.  This has to be the mildest summer we've ever had.  I'm even wearing a jumper today, and it's late January!  That's not right.  Something is wrong with the entire system.  And of course, we ignore the problem and get riled about about silly things such as people being persecuted.

You know what's messed up?  There's always a big deal when Australians get caught overseas with drugs.  It's almost always in a country which has mandatory execution laws for drugs over a certain amount.  This happens all the time, because people think that they can get away with it.  But anyway, inevitably when people are caught, they are sentenced to death, and the country gets upset and says only uncivilised nations kill people.  It all wreaks of ethnocentrism.  Here, drugs are a massive problem, because of the way the black market operates, and how offenders are allowed to continue their operations once they're released back into the community.  Generally, Australians were upset over death sentences for the Bali 9 ringleaders Myuran Sukkumaran and Andrew Chan, as well as to Van Nguyen in Singapore.  They asked for clemency, staged demonstrations and what not, only for them to fall on deaf ears.  But in all of this, they forget that they could save the lives of others.  Refugees who come and are not criminals, who have committed no crime are always sent back to their nations to face further persecution, or are left to languish in brutal prison regimes in detention processing centres.  They could save the lives of these people, but they don't.  They want the best for their citizens, no matter how much they've messed up, but they won't give a second thought to the lives of the innocent.  I'm reminded of the Barrabas story in the Bible, when the Romans offered the citizens the choice between Jesus and Barrabas. 

Just a few more hours.  I can't even wait.  Well shit, it looks like my afternoon is sorted for me.  Not so much fun.  Just pointless busy work.  It's only 2pm?!  It feels like 4pm!  Ahhhhh!!!  Still 3.5 hours more of this shit to go!!!  I'm not going to ask for anything.  It needs to be offered.  Maybe everything has changed and it will never go back to the way it was.  And I guess that's ok.  I guess I shouldn't have been expecting so much. 

Well hey, at least I had a few good thoughts this week.  I got some work done too.  I got some guitar in.  What more could you want? 

I'll cram it all into my mouth thank you.  Yes, I saw you.  I saw it happen.  You can't deny it.  But why would you lie?  To save face?  I will get to the bottom of it.

Joaquin out.

Crushed Beyond All Doubt

I've gotta get a move on.  There's things happening out there and I need to be a part of it.  But the question is, do I want to?  I could just sleep it off and let it all get away from me.  Had to take a day off yesterday because I was hurting.  For some reason my leg has been killing me for the past few days, and I don't know why.  Yesterday it was unbearable and I couldn't take the pain so I just stayed in bed for most of the day.  I think my preferred sleeping period would be getting to bed at 3-4am, and sleeping right through to 1pm.  That would be perfect if I could do that everyday.  But then there's work, life, obligations.  It's all a great pain isn't it?  Pain, pain, pain.  And they say pain is a phantom of the mind.  But it's always there.  And there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm concerned about going too far, getting too deep into the water.  It's going to drown me.  I've almost drowned before, and the experience was not pleasant.  But this is entirely different.  Is this a situation where the second option is actually really wanted?  That would be the best.  But all good things must come to an end at some point.  Can I not enjoy things as they are for now?  So long as I don't dig myself deeper.  Exercising patience can be a real bitch sometimes.  I don't enjoy the way it makes me feel. And I'm concerned about what it does to other people.  I think about it more than I should.  In fact, it's my only overarching thought that haunts me from morning until night.  Sometimes I can't even sleep, just like last night.  I speak too soon!  I wonder if these feelings and thoughts are reciprocal?  And yet I'm here stuck thinking about the weather.  Just how different life may have been.  I'm the victim of my own choices.  Why?  Because I didn't think about what was at stake.  I wonder what it all could have turned out like?  I don't want to wait, but I have to.  There is a key difference. 

It strikes me as very weird that my life is so caught up in the goings on of a University I did not even attend until I had already become a post-graduate.  It's really strange.  Maybe everything fell into place as it should.  Then why am I left feeling so confused?  I can second guess myself.  That's ok.  I will become my own pariah in this search for truth. 

Crappenfest!  Still have 3 hours until I'm done.  What I'm amazed by was how much I got done while home yesterday.  90 minutes to go!  Ahhh, not going fast enough. 

Growth is a ridiculous thing.  The world is finite.  We can keep growing as a general population, but there's just shit that does not make sense at all.  Take businesses.  Just say you have an idea to sell napkins.  Napkins are made out of paper (mostly), right?  You sell your idea with the idea to expand market share and what not, and gradually have everyone using your products.  But is such a thing possible?  There will be other napkin makers.  At some point, you will reach saturation point, and your product can't grow anymore.  The business can't grow.  So what does that do your stock?  There has to be a point at which the stock would stop growing.  Unless the system is built on permanent cycles where things dip and grow to recover what was lost.  So what's the point?  Not everything can be napkins.  Trees are going to stop growing eventually.  Get what I mean?  There has to be a limit to these things.

I'll call it here.

Joaquin out.

Who Is That Girl?

I have referenced the same song multiple times in the past few posts!  I guess because it's the first song I listen to when I load up my muzak at work.  It's a good song anyway.  Ok, I've had some time off, and now back at work I realise why I hate everything, and I'm reminded of just how tired I am.  I just need so much more time off to just relax and devote more time to not caring.  It's actually an incredibly tiring and involving activity - this apathy!  I got in some serious guitar time yesterday.  I'm impressed with how much I was able to do.  I think I'm due for a nail cutting though.  Should help with some of the more intricate pieces.

So the worst has finally happened, and my hard drive has finally packed it in.  My own fault really.  I should have changed it as soon as I noticed it was having problems.  But that's Western Digital for you!  These stupid Green 2TB hard drives!  All my time in owning computers and it's this one that is the first to pack it in!  I can't believe it.  So it looks like I've got my weekend all sorted.  Annoying!  I just want to sleep it all away.

Crap, and I don't think I have anything to say.  Why does it always work out this way?  So much going on in some facets, and now I am starved for ideas on here.  Just who is this person?  I really hate where things are going.  It would have been much easier if it was just like the rest.  But it's not, it's all entirely different!  And it scares me, because it is nothing but uncertainty.  That is the only certainty, and that definitely bothers me.  Outclassed, outmatched, outboxed at every opportunity.  It has been a real eye-opener of an experience.  How does someone like that even exist?  Okay, I may have let you have the last word yesterday, but I'm sure I'll have it today.  Does it go to show that you were thinking of me?  The same way that I think about you.  Not bloody likely, I'm afraid.  It can't be possible.  Not for me.  At least not in this circumstance. 

It was recently Australia Day here.  It brings up a lot of issues.  It's a celebration day of the arrival of the first fleet in Australia.  But it also signifies the explicit genocide and massacre of the indigenous population, and the theft of their land.  It's also an excuse for crazed conservative types to put on Australian flags as capes, get drunk, and chase after some 'foreign' looking people, because they can't possibly be as Australian as you.  In fact, they're not even Australian, they're just different, and therefore deserving of your misplaced aggression.  Australians love it because it is a public holiday, but they refuse to acknowledge the fact that Australia has a black history.  They want to discount the shared suffering of a bunch of people, and you will see stupid comments like the Prime Minister saying that there was nothing here before white colonisation, this is despite the High Court admitted that the country was not empty.  Until these things are rectified, you will never have peace. 

Left wing Australia Day: complain about the inherent racism of the holiday, then support a radio music show that features an overwhelmingly white bunch of artists.  Irony, engage!

Damn, it's only 10am and I've already checked out.  When can this day end so I can go home?  The only certainty is the impermanence of life.  None of this is being regulated!

And that's it!  I'm done.  I have nothing.  I'm sorry.  This is a waste of a post, it's a waste of a life.  Only got myself to blame.  There is only me to resent.  Maybe I can work today.  Cause I'm dysfunctional. 

At least it's Tuesday?  But it feels like a Wednesday.  That doesn't bode well for the rest of the week.  But hey, at least I'll get paid this week.  That makes this monotony a bit easier to take.  Only a bit. 

I read this great speech by Steven Spielberg at a Holocaust memorial thing in Poland.  He said that what we experience as children has a profound effect on us as adults, and I think that is very true.  These seemingly insignificant things can shape our whole identity.  That is because of who we are as children.  Without other external information to counter it, our beliefs and mindsets solidify quite quickly.  And that's important, because even later on, as adults, with more information and more education, it becomes almost impossible to change your views on something you picked up as a child.  Humans are weird creatures.  If animals could learn how we could, it would be interesting to see how this would impact who we are.  And how we are.

This body is really falling apart.  It's all just downhill from here.  I guess pain becomes something I will have to live with everyday.  Great, physical and emotional too!  Together at last! 

This is going to be one of those years!  It's super-Australian based ethnocentrism for 2015.  This year will mark the centenary anniversary of the ANZAC Gallipoli landing.  This is something that is central to the Australian-founding concept.  It is all about mateship and sacrifice and all these grand ideas that Australians love to spout off about, but don't actually practice when it comes to things like multiculturalism or accepting refugees and so on.  Of course it is all about warfare.  People aren't concerned about the idea of being in a foreign country and invading it.  People don't care that there were brutal prisoner of war murders and massacres of innocent people (on both sides).  So much stock is placed in the idea, this myth, that to question it is to draw upon the greatest of scorn from all groups.  You should be able to question everything, and point out facts.  People like to look the other way whenever it suits them.

There's no such thing as the Australian experience.  There is no Australian way of life.  To think that way is incredibly stupid.  There's no shared experience.  Everyone is different.  We are all individuals.  There could be a human experience, but all you could say is that there is birth, life, and death.  That's it.  No two experiences will be exactly the same, nor should they be.

This brings me back to warfare and hero worship of monsters.  It is no secret that I am a pacifist.  I think people rush off to wars at the drop of a hat these days, without ever really thinking about the consequences.  But they probably just want the short term boost in popularity.  But the fact is this: you can't just drum up a bunch of racist, nationalist pride to get someone to go overseas and kill someone for you.  You need to strip away their humanity, foster something disgusting and subhuman in them that was probably always there, and give them a gun, a licence to kill, and little recourse for their actions, unless you can cover it up.  This brings me to American Sniper.  I haven't seen the film (but I will), but I've read the synopsis, and I'm familiar with the story of Chris Kyle and his autobiography.  The film has inspired a renewed sense of nationalism and hatred for all kinds of foreigners.  Clint Eastwood has struck paydirt here.  He may be a conservative that didn't support the war, but he has made something that will deliberately polarise the audience, but will still get bums in seats so that they can make up their own mind.  Racist conservatives will see justification, and a new jesus-type hero in Chris Kyle, to rally the nation to its cause.  Left wingers will see an anti-war film, and the effect of PTSD on soldiers, and an immersive character study from Bradley Cooper (who has gone from strength to strength as an actor).  Chris Kyle's book is the unfiltered, more personal view of his account of the war, and it shows just how warped he was.  He joined the military after 9/11, hoping to kill terrorists.  Yet the majority of his book and the film is dedicated to the Iraq War.  A war that was cooked up by the Americans to deflect attention away from failures in Afghanistan, and tried to draw a really laughable link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein and weapons of mass destruction as a linchpin.  If he had these weapons, don't you think he would have used them?  Anyway, Kyle had this unshakeable belief that everything he was doing was right, and killing everyone was a good thing, because they were all 'uncivilised savages'.  I'm sorry, but there goes your humanity, buddy.  I don't care if you came back to help other veterans.  You're all the same.  Some may have gone with good intentions, and got messed up by what they saw and what they had to do over there, but Kyle seemed to have that 'serial killer' like thing going on in his mind, and the army was the appropriate outlet for someone like that to thrive and be a hero, and kill countless people as a State sponsored murderer. 

Chris Kyle was killed as he was attempting to rehabilitate a fellow veteran, at a gun range in his home state.  Here comes the crazed myth now.  They are now painting his killer as a psychopathic murderer, when he was just in the same position as Kyle, but didn't enjoy his job with the same blood-thirsty glee.  If Kyle had flipped out and killed his wife and kids, I'm sure they would find some way to justify it, or to explain that he was suffering from PTSD.  But someone killing this 'hero'?  Of course the other person was a vile villain who deserves to die!  Such rampant hypocrisy.  I'm not that bothered that he's dead.

What really bugs me about work, no matter where you are, managers have a hard time letting go of work.  If there's something that's annoying and crappy, they will totally delegate that in no time, and wash their hands of all responsibility.  But when it comes to good, new tasks, they will always keep that for themselves.  There's extreme micro-management and craziness. 

I'm just...I'm really just trying to get a grip on life.  I'm about 30 now.  But I don't feel like I've lived 30 years.  Sometimes I feel like I've lived too long.  But the other issue is that no matter how long I feel like I've been alive, it seems that everything can be compressed into just the past year or so.  That doesn't seem right at all.  And to think we could all just be bits of binary data.  If only the matrix were real.  But if it was, how come some people get to live so well, and others don't?  Why not keep everyone happy in delusional fakery?  Even our robot slave masters didn't believe in equality!!  Hahahaha.  Crazy.

Oh man, still 3.5 hours to go today.  I don't know if I can hang on.  Damn, this post suddenly got better, out of nowhere!  Haha, I wasn't even attempting it. 

It dawned on me a while back that I am the Earl of Lemongrab.  Sigh, 2 hours.

Better call it here.

Joaquin out.

The Letter For Today Is "M".

Rated M for mature audiences only.  It's not the proper first letter.  I'm trying to be a little different.  It's all a little bit strange.  Is it just awkward flirting?  Am I just crazy?  Or is that how things are?  It is all just strange and new to me.  Slowly but surely, I'm able to play guitar again.  Just need to work up a bit of coordination and then work on the speed.  Never the other way around, or it will mess you up.

I get the feeling that this is the last time I'm going to be doing anything.  It's not even a case of "oh my god" but more a case of "let's get this over with".  I'm tired of waiting.  I slept lateish last night, and again I couldn't sleep until my alarm went off.  I was up about 45 minutes before and couldn't get back to sleep.  Not so great with all the stuff I need to do today.  I just know it can't be good.  Oh well.  I could do with the rest, no matter what form. 

Well hey, at least I'm leaving early today.  That sure beats having to hang around for 4 hours!  But It's just 3 hours thank you very much. 

People are just weird.  I've noticed that people drive so erratically and dangerously almost all the time.  I live in a relatively empty city of 380,000.  We have good roads and wide lanes.  But people speed all the time, they dive in and out of traffic, run red lights, don't stop at stop signs, tailgate and so on.  It's like we are slowly edging towards third world anarchy.  I've been to places like that.  You can't get on the road there, it's complete and utter chaos.  People don't follow rules, they just drive, and somehow make it to their destination.  People are just animals, laws unto themselves.  When you're on the road, you're not just taking a risk with yourself, but with other people on the road too.  So I don't get why people feel the need to drive like idiots.  Do they not know what the consequences are?

Do you think humans are really clued in to the animalistic nature of their origins?  Does that explain our violence?  Does that explain our crazy need to have sex all the time?  You have the best chance of survival through safety in numbers of course.  To prove your point and make sure you can't be challenged for resources, you turn to violence as a result.  But animals realise things in packs, or at least some of them do.  Do you think group behaviour in humans in large spaces can determine whether something bad is going to happen?  Is there some sort of shared awareness?  We're not even a hive mind.  How is that even possible?  Maybe it radiates like a wave?  Can it only be determined once something bad has happened and one person reacts to it?  Is it much use then?  Reminds me of the plot of person of interest. 

I should have been paying attention at that stage.  It was all important information!  I'm not warm.  That's my problem.  I wonder how pacing in the real world is different to it being artificial?  My back is killing me.  I wonder what teh hell is going on.  It never hurts like this.  Not so good when I need to sit down for 3 hours to drive. 

This is just a nothing post isn't it?  I'm sorry!  I've just got nothing to say.  I don't even think I have anything on my mind.

But crap, I still have just under 2 hours to go before I'm out of here, so I better make this count. 

Marriage is an interesting concept don't you think?  I can understand its pagan origins and what not, but isn't it weird how it still pervades all modern day secular behaviour?  It does hark back to religious overtones, and a time when women did not hold a lot of power in society.  Marriage ensured they were protected, even if they were treated like property.  But divorce laws ensure that women were protected after separation, in the event of anything going wrong.  But things have changed, most definitely in the last century or so.  Women are working, and aren't treated as chattels anymore.  So why are there divorce laws that reward women for separation when they have sufficient earning capacity?  If a guy earns 50 thousand, and a women earns 25 thousand (which could happen, because there is a disgusting disparity in earning), how come she's suddenly entitled to half of what he has earned and paid the majority for over the life of their relationship?  She can still earn.  It's an inherently unfair power relationship before the law.  You get a lot of cases where guys get mistresses and then try to kill their wives to try a new life.  Why is that?  Why can't he just talk to his wife and say that he has found someone else?  It's because of divorce laws!  Wooo controversial!  I'm trying to get all freakonomics on you.  If he had nothing material to lose, maybe he would have communicated with her and her life could have been saved?  It's interesting food for thought.

I'm done for today. 

Joaquin out.

So Many Pretty Ages

It's a strange experience being me.  If I was given the choice, I never would have picked anything in my life.  It's all a bit...stale.  Have you ever eaten stale bread, after it's been stale for just a day?  It's just not quite...right.  That is my life.  If I had a perfect analogy for it, that would be it!  The stale bread!  Haha, oh that's so sick.  Why can't it be Friday already?  I just want to not do anything.  Ever.  I give up.  Can I make that election now?  I raise my hands up and surrender.  Life has taken me as a prisoner.  As I've said many times, I never chose any of this.  Any of it.  It was all just thrust upon me.

The longer I'm alive, the more I search for meaning or relevance in this life.  And I think the true tragedy is that it's all subjective.  You can't possibly have any objective truth, because that's the nature of being human, and us existing as individuals.  Why would Shinji choose that life?  Instrumentality makes much more sense to me, and I hope it does for you too.

Why do we go about life in the way we do?  Everything is a fight or a struggle to survive.  I mean away from the cushy comfort of how most of us live, life is tough for the vast majority of people.  The issue is that we are not exposed to them until they become a threat to our resources.  We have become selfish and self-serving as a result.  We don't deserve what we have, because we live so well at the expense of others.  But nobody really considers that.  Especially not those who live so well.  It's all about acquiring more, and never being happy with what we have.  And I suppose that's mankind's greatest test.  We can't consider the big questions.  Why?  Because there are no answers.  There's only the illusion of the answer we think to be correct.  If we all realised that, we wouldn't go on living, because nothing could be done to fix it.  There's no truth, no righteousness, no justice. 

I shouldn't be concerned about wasting my time.  We are all going to die anyway.  So anything and everything is a waste.

Don't let me have the last word.  It makes me edgy.  Life got a little more interesting, if not a little more complicated a few weeks ago.  I'm doing my best to ensure history doesn't repeat itself.  It would spit in the face of everything I've experienced.  But I also question why I'd bother growing or learning, if there is nothing to show for it?  Shouldn't I just do what I want?  Well, no, because the outcome of that would be bad for everyone.  Was I a bad omen?  For most people I've encountered probably.  This is ridiculously different.  I just feel outdone at every corner.  It's refreshing.  I think I'll just enjoy myself.  Don't get too caught up in things, cause it's making me feel like I'm stupid and inadequate.  Well I guess that's what I am.  It's so difficult to be truthful.  I ask myself, are they smart enough to read between the lines of what I'm saying?  Or did I deliberately make it too difficult to deciper the things I only alluded to?  Nothing lasts forever.  I'm aware of that.  Time will come for all of us.  I come in every morning and shudder to think about how I'm going to pass 10.5 hours.  But I do.  Not through any tenacity on my behalf, but because time will come.  Whether it's fast or slow.  Whether I'm having fun or not, it will just come.  Things change.  We change.  Except me.  All that's really happening is that I'm getting older and edging closer to death.  I shouldn't even have been on this side of life anyway!  This is all just a big mistake.  Only one thing is keeping me going at this point, and it's something that will go away eventually.  So why bother putting any effort into this?  I hope it's not because I think it's something else.  That mistake has already been made.

Not entirely sure if I can blog tomorrow, but I'll try my best.  In fact, the whole weekend may be taken up, but I'll see.  It would be nice to write, but it would be even better to play guitar and see what new stuff I can make. 

You hear some strange news every now and then.  I try to live like a hermit because there's no point getting wrapped up in other people's drama.  But I've come to hear some really weird things.  I recall in High School McAlistair was head over heels with Lex.  They seemed to be cut from the same cloth - regular charlie church's.  I remember it well, because we were on the bus to go home, and I called out to him to get on so that he wouldn't get left behind, but he was talking to her.  He got on and he was really pissed off because obviously he did not want to come!  I had no idea.  Anyway, as they got older, they grew apart.  She married some weird guy, very young (as most religious types tend to do).  I was told by a very reliable source that she was engaging in an affair.  Okay wow.  That's a shock.  I haven't seen her in 8 or so years, but it still shocked me.  There goes my entire perception of this person.  The more you know, eh?

An old friend announced the news she was looking to adopt because she was infertile.  I remember back in college that she was highly desired because of her outstanding natural beauty.  She also became a super religious type over time, and moved overseas to get married.  Then came news of all this stuff.  It's interesting, because I'm always reminded of the term 'bad things happen to good people'.  Well bad things also happen to bad people.  Good things happen to good people.  Good things happen to bad people.  There is no element of causality or of consequence.  It's all random chaos, and dumb luck. 

There is colour out there, I'm just not seeing it, or taking it all in.  I'd rather keep it all here.  It doesn't need to be anywhere else.  I'm slightly disappointed that I didn't hit 200 posts last year.  I'm sorry.  Things just kind of petered out and I couldn't keep up the momentum that needs to be kept up for that kind of output.  But that's ok, I think I got some good stuff down.  Who knows when I'll be able to read over all these posts again?  It won't be for some time, and I'll need a lot of time off to get it done!  Let's just see how this year pans out.  I might just need a month to just sleep.  Maybe I'm not regulating my mood properly.  Need to be more active.

I remember an old story from college, where Lizzy was helping me deal with girlfriend issues.  She told me to ignore her for a few days, and that's what I did.  It was scarily effective, she came crawling back.  Oh my god.  Why did that even work?  It makes me ill every time I think about it.  Why would something like that work?  I've even employed it to accidental effect later in life.  Isn't that messed up?  4.5 hours to go!  Seriously?  Well just like I said, it's going to happen no matter how slow it goes.  Is there some respite in that?  I wonder!  I have no more stories or anecdotes to share with you this day.  And that's a shame, cause I don't know what to do with the rest of my day.

I'm feeling so tired again.  I need time off.  When's the last time you realised you would be doing something?  Do you even recognise it?  Was that the last time you'd ever drink coffee?  Was that the last time you would take the stairs?  Was that the last time you made love?  I guess none of it really matters in the end.  I wish I could wake up and actually focus, but I can't.  It bothers me somewhat that the symptoms fit.  It would be nice not to have this everyday thing.

I can see the places I pass on the way home.  It's not the most direct route, but it's scenic at least.  I can enjoy listening to music on my way home.  It's really only 10 minutes door to door by surprisingly efficient public transport.  Ok damn, with 3 hours or so to go, I may as well attempt to get some pointless busy work done.  It's a weird insight into myself, isn't it?  I love being surprised.  Haha who am I kidding?  I hate it!  I like my own surprises.  They only eventuate after having forgotten something.

Oh my god.  It's just struck me.  I've got a bad feeling about this.  The past few weeks have all been heading to something.  And I think I know what it is now.  It makes sense. 

Ahhh one more day.  Is it D-Day already?  I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Intelligent Troglodytes

Hahaha is such a thing even possible?  I have reached new realms of tiredness and exhaustion.  I woke up this morning and really debated whether I should bother coming in.  I feel like I haven't slept in days.  I look tired.  There are massive rings around my eyes.  My body is here, but this isn't me.  I can't even channel enough effort to acknowledge my own existence, or input any sort of consciousness to what I'm doing.  On top of that, I'm just generally not feeling well.  Can I go home already?  It's 9:30 in the am!  Hahah this isn't good.  I'm kind of hoping it's a quiet day, because I won't be able to do any work if it comes my way. 

Oh man!  Everything is feeling mighty weird.  I shouldn't have come in this morning.  I should have just stayed in bed and slept it off and felt better for tomorrow.  Wouldn't have thought it would come back to haunt me on a Wednesday, but here I am.  I need to be fine for Friday, or it's game over.  Maybe I can catch up on some sleep, that would be ace.  In some ways, I don't want things to change.  But as I've been told, the good things never last.  They always change.  They just have to.  Nothing is constant in the universe.  It is all open to evolution. 

Can I even be honest with myself?  I don't know.  I hope I'm not chasing past stupidity.  Things have to be different.  I think I'm stronger now.  I wish I wasn't, but I am, and that's something I have to live with.  Phew, well that's one headache out of the way.  Time has slowed right down.  It's not going fast enough!! 

Is this all new?  Or is time just really shaped by our perceptions?  I ask because of phenomena like deja vu.  If we have done it all before, it can't be true, because time is linear right?  Well it's meant to be circular.  Otherwise information would have to be destroyed at some point, and I don't think that's the case.  What if the universe was like a bathtub.  Information is being created all the time.  There's stacks of data all over the place, but for balance to remain, and the water not to spill over the edges, it needs to be drained - like with black holes.  Information can be preserved, but it needs to be cycled in order for the system to remain balanced.  Does that make sense to you?  But going back to my earlier point, what if time and deja vu was just a construct of human perception?  Time is really nothing?  That would be so weird.

I really wish I had something good to write about.  It just seems like all is just boring.  I'm feeling a hint of relief, but I'm still totally not with the program.  Is my life so worthless that I could be hit by a truck tomorrow and nothing would change?  Yeah I feel like that's it.  I would just be erased from history.  Maybe that would be appropriate.  I don't think I was supposed to be here in the first place.

I really need to change what I do when I get home.  Too much time is wasted on just doing nothing.  I should be more productive.  I can't believe it's only Wednesday.  I want this week to be over.  This is a life of no meaning or relevance.  I don't think I'm going to ever find it, either.  So why bother?  These are all shallow experiences.  I don't recall the last time I actually felt something.  I think things all the time, but feeling things is entirely different.  Just forgotten.  Cast away into the wind or the ocean.  Here's the 64 thousand dollar question - what am I going to do with the remaining 2 hours I have until this day is over? 

Maybe tomorrow will be better?  But that all depends on me waking up.

Joaquin out.