Never thought that the fire was going to burn us...

Sometimes life is just strange... The colors of the lights look different, the feeling in your stomach just seems to throw you off. Life is kind of like that right now...

Time goes by so fast, that we forget about the past so quickly, its a little bit scary. People who were so close to us once become memories, that slowly become harder to remember. We don't even do this intentionally, those that we do are alright. Pain of a high school ends, and we move on with our lives, to go find bigger better things. We all go our own directions to the distant parts of the world, in search for what we are all looking for in life. So caught up with our own lives, however insignificant our lives feel at the time, it is the only thing that we are thinking about. The people who you spent everyday with, slowly melt away with the rest of the horizon. Did we take the time to stop and look behind? Did we ask how that person was doing, did we think we were all invincible? I'm pretty sure that I often did. Days flew past, many times I've thought about a good friend, but put off communicating with them just for another day. The other day that never comes by, the other day that gets lost among many other days. Slowly we drift further and further away from our past. We move on to new places, new lives, new goals, and that takes up all of our time and attention. It has become normal in our societies to look forward, and never to stop and think of how we got there. This life has gotten too fast for my liking, I'm not sure how to slow it down. There is so much that needs to be done, and only 24 hours in a day. So many friends I have to get in touch with, but so little time. At least the internet is getting us closer together, or is it? There are a whole bunch of people who are on my messenger list, who are online 24/7 just like me, but we never stop to catch up... This seems like a crying shame... We need to make sure that we are all alright... We come to believe that everyone will be fine in their own world, everyone carries on, everyone will float on... But every now and then someone falls, and we wish we were there to catch that fall... Why is it always an after thought? I'm not going to feel guilty about it, I'm going to try and learn, and be a better friend...

This all has been brought up, because I just found out that over the weekend, a close friend of mine from high school decided to call it quits and end her life. I don't quite know the details, and I'm not going to go looking for it, her not being here anymore is loss enough. I haven't really been in touch with her over the last few years since high school, and that is really a shame. Putting things off for the next day, now the next day doesn't exist. For the past few years, I've had this feeling of invincibility that nothing can go wrong. So many bad choices in life, but I am still here, now fixing those mistakes. Never thought that anything could happen to the people that I know. I've been brought back to reality. Sometimes it hard to keep in touch, but we all have to make the effort. There have been many deaths around me, and I've heard of a lot in the last few years, but I don't think that any of them affected me as much as this one. Friend of mine, I hope you have found the peace that you've been looking for. We'll miss you...

Postmodernism is a topic that has really been interesting me lately. I remember when I was doing my bachelors, it was a topic that I tried to understand, but never quite got the grips of it. Maybe because I was buying too much into the modern concept, and didn't want to question what I thought was working. Years later, I've realized that there are flaws in most of what we believe in, and there maybe there are no real solutions, or there is no real. Most of the material that talks about these issues are quite hard to digest, and probably the reason why I'd skipped them before. But it all makes sense, or well there is no real meaning to anything at all. This morning, most of my class didn't want to turn up, as they thought this topic was a pain in the ass, and the writer was a pretentious bastard. Which he might be, but makes a good point either way. By the end of the class, most of them figured out that I actually liked this stuff, and they were ready to kill me. Hahaha it was one of the highlights of this semester so far...

I'll leave you with these thoughts, nights have started to get longer again, and I'm quite pleased... But I've got to start sleeping by 2 am...

A Note About Salt [Sweet Surrender... and of course... cuciz...]

It is worth mentioning that much of what Tool says, you need to take with a HUGE grain of salt. A lot of it is made up (an interview hinting at 24-minute songs, and an April Fools' prank about a highway accident come to mind), so be careful when you choose to believe something you are being told. If anything, it is probably a good reminder that we should exercise our best judgment and not be sheep in the herd. (One of Tool's main messages seems to be that people need to think for themselves more.) After all, the falsehoods are usually well told, but do tend to seem a bit peculiarly off-the-wall. Best of luck.

[This note was quoted in the Official Lollapalooza 1997 Magazine.]

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I know, I know. I know exactly what you're thinking. "Wtf?? Tool again??" Yeah bitches... Tool again!! :P I thought I'd had enough, but I thank "Jimmy" for pulling me back in. Awesome song.

Faith kills me. People have always believed in shit they could never explain. It just totally kills the phrase "seeing is believing". Ah, but who am I to prove people wrong? I mean, that's gotta be the hardest fucking job imaginable. Not to mention, something that could lead to my untimely demise, considering all those extremists who could blow me away with their suicidal tendencies. So to "educating the masses" I say "Fuck you!!". Let them believe in what they want, it's not like they think about it every hour of their lives. Heck, some even commit "sins" and still keep on believing they'll go to "heaven" (pffft! haha!). So I say let them... leave them be.

Life is going pretty well, by the way. I quit smoking, which means the world is finally coming to an end. :P The first two days were pretty rough, but I feel better today. My head feels a thousand times lighter, and my throat's clearing up. I just thought it would be great to get in shape for once. (My belly's showing. :P)

Haven't been able to write any songs yet, but I'm getting there. I'm still searching for a good chorus. I'll try something new tomorrow. I'll leave you with my work in progress. 'Til then, hasta luego.

SWEET SURRENDER

You say you never knew why
And I never could understand
I remember our perfect day wasted
As we parted ways again...

I feel the heat of it all
Charging through my veins again
I feel our troubles dying away
As we struggle to face another day...

Nobody's looking...
We can finally breathe again...

I think they are joined at the hips...

Time is just not on my side these days... There is so much I want to do, but I only get around to doing the things that are really important, and then run out of time to do the things that I want to do. I should at least be happy that I'm doing the things that need to be done. Today, I am a happy person, I got myself a hair dryer... Don't ask, just something I need. Also today I got called Pablo Escobar again. I was told once in Dhaka over the vacation that I looked like him, and today again at the bar, I got called that. Quite funny I tells ya. Hehe and that I was going to use that hair dryer to dry the cocaine faster... I'd either be a millionaire, or be dead if that were the case...

I've realized one thing, there is a reason why married couples only have other married friends. Ok, most of you are probably thinking "Duh" but I never quite got it till now. Sometimes I wonder why people think that they become one person, because most of the time they really do. Ok, I'm talking about a situation at the moment. I had to really good friends, really close. They didn't get married, but they moved in together, and now its as if they don't exist anymore. Not that I don't see them, they are just not the same people that they used to be. Its not possible to see one of them without the other being there. They were both close friends and I used to talk to the 2 of them separately about separate things. Now that never happens. Its as if I lost two friends and got a new one, one that is nothing like the ones I used to know. And it sucks, but there is really nothing one can do about these things, and I wish them all the best. They are good together, and I'm happy for them, but I still do miss my friends... I guess I'll have to replace those conversations with conversations with someone else... And this is why married, or psudo-married couples can never be friends with single people, we have different priorities in life... Especially ones that have decided that they have to be with each other 24/7...

I'm waiting on my SLR camera to arrive, and in the meantime I am working on my proposal for my thesis. Its keeping me quite busy, and hence I'm going to have to keep this one a bit short... I've decided to write about issues that I think of over the day... Let just hope that I remember my issues, or I'll have to start taking blog notes like the other....

Murder now the path called "must we..."

I'm finally getting the hang of sobriety, and I feel great. I feel like a whole new person. I guess the only thing left now is to learn how to drive a fucking manual. :P

Damn this country and double-damn its internet. Blasted thing won't let BitLord (or any other client for that matter) connect. I dunno what to do now. Bleh, guess I'll have to rely on spyware virus-free download sites for the time being. If I can find one of those, that is. :P

I want to thank Knaves for keeping my mind off the stuff I'd usually fuck myself up with. I'm glad I can read tabs now, since he sends me stuff to work on. I think I did a pretty good job with one of his pieces (called Dynamic Act). It's still a work-in-progress, and I'm trying my best to finish it. I think I can finally find the rhythm to write some more songs, and this time around I'm gonna try writing real music instead of depressing, fucked up pieces of poetry. I'm still searching for a tiny bit of the inspiration I used to work with before.

My taste in music is what some would call "weird", but to me, it's just a mixture of thoughts, feelings and perspective. Although, I gotta say my "love" for Tool is slowly fading towards a mild "like". I'm slowly going back to my roots as well as learning about new artists on the rise.

*sigh* I guess I'll be off now. Gotta get me some grub and get a little studying done. College admission exam's tomorrow, so wish me luck.
Later.

A tank of gas is a treasure to me...

Well, first off I wanna apologize for my absence. Not like anybody cares much... yet. :P I was writing the blog about MJK, but the whole thing just seemed so... cliche somehow. Confused the fuck outta me. The other problem is that I am totally devoid of any inspiration whatsoever. Life is sort of shoving pitchforks up my ass for the time being, and I can't say I'm liking it one bit.

House arrest has to be the gayest possible way to keep a person from fucking up. Ironically, though, it's working pretty well. I've been sober for 4 months now, and I have only my family to thank. But the constant nagging and "can't meet your friends" shit is really getting to me. I was supposed to meet this Wiccan friend of mine yesterday, but sadly, the only place I can meet her is where my sister works. She's a teacher in this Australian school and I'm a volunteer there thanks to her. So I asked her if my friend could come meet me there. Bad move. She starts this "tantrum" and yells at me going, "What type of girl would come all the way here just to meet someone she doesn't even know?!". Well, I guess she would've agreed if I told her the girl was a lesbian who's tougher than most guys and is deeply into Wiccan magic and voodoo shit. Heh. Probably would've just hurled a fucking basin at me or something. :P

So yeah, I think you can guess how fucking sad my life is. I just hope I can get my ass outta this country soon.

I've been picking up a lot of songs lately. (Finally learned how to read tabs. :P) Just last night I picked up "Apple Shampoo" and this cool version of "Cat Like Thief" by Boxcar Racer. Although, while playing and singing those songs last night, I realized just how much I miss Blink-182. The new AVA songs are so fucking BAD!! Tom Delonge is dead to me, and I agree with the other. He's a fucking git for choosing fame over friendship. I hate what he has become. "A coward" the other called him. And the saddest fact is, he's doing pretty good for himself. *sigh* Just wish it didn't have to end the way it did.

(On a funnier note)
I was talking with a friend of mine online a couple of days ago and he said something that made me laugh so hard, I choked on my pizza. A friend of his (and mine) recently got into this college in Maryland. He's majoring in economics and minoring in "The history of rock 'n roll" (or might be the other way around, but that's not the point). So my friend says, "... they show him Hendrix videos and he's like 'YAAAH JEEEEEEMEE HAANDREEEK!!'" hahahahahahaha!! You might not find this remotely funny, but trust me, if you ever meet the guy, you'll understand. :P

Well I guess that's it for now. Heh, I just hope I have the energy to blog tomorrow. 'Til then, adios amigos.

Teach me to read faster!!!

Reading takes time, I wish some how I could simply input all this information that is available in these books into my poor little brain. I'm finding it a real struggle trying to focus on what I have to read most of the time, and I've decided that maybe its a good idea to go down to the library a little more often, as there are just way too many distractions in my room. I like my distractions, and I wish I had more time to play with them. Oh well, such is life...

For years, I've been unhappy about the manner in which I had to deal with my internet connection here. Quotas, and other such bull crap. I can finally say that after years of struggling and trying, I am at a point where I'm mostly happy about the way it works. Everything I want to do from a computer I can do. Now only if I could get my mobile phone to work on these servers, but thats not going to happen anytime soon, and it really shits me!!

I hope to have a new layout for this blog soon, I'm still waiting on my laptop, and hopefully it will be here soon, so I can make those changes. I think I'm going to make a cleaner interface, not necessarily flashy... I'm thinking quite differently these days, even design wise. Unfortunately there isn't enough time in a day for all the things that I would like to do. I need to figure out a way to work twice as fast as I normally do, or find a way to slow down time... Its been a while since I felt like this, actually I can't remember the last time that this has happened actually. I think its the load this year, and mostly feel that I have to do so much more than I must do. I think soon I'll get used to the schedule more, and I'll spend less time procrastinating. Only time will tell.

I have realized something lately, as I've been looking at it from an outsiders point of view. Addicts don't really hang around with each other because they like each others company. The honest truth is that they hang around with each other for sheer comfort and convenience. Comfort because they know that they will never be judged by the people who have the same habits as them, and so they can just be themselves. Convenience, simply because they all want the same thing, the next fix, they can work with each other. Carry each others burdens, and it is a complete way of life. Once broken out that schedule, I don't think that many of them would hang out with each other. I think someone should do a study on this, hmmm, I wonder if its too late to change my dissertation topic :P. I don't think it has anything to do with communication really.


Since I quit smoking, my appetite had been going crazy, and I'd been eating like a pig. Lately I think its stabilizing, its still better than before, but I don't think I'm always hungry anymore, there is a limit to how much I can eat. I need to go measure my weight to see if I've gained any weight. I'm pretty sure that I have.

Alright, I'm going to hit the sack, so that I can wake up to another day without any classes, but a lot of reading to do. Sometimes I wish that I had classes instead... I wonder if I keep reading this much, if in a months time I will learn how to read a lot faster, and then have more free time on my hands??