Do You Know Adabana?

Lies and other such fruitless flowers.  The fakery of it all is baffling.  So I survived another unventful week of my life.  The clouds are rolling in and it looks like a storm is coming.  I could have sworn I had things to blog about but I am just trying to wind things down for this weekend and sleep.  I may have also just run out of things to say.  I'm sure over the life of this blog, I've probably covered all the things I wanted to cover, and every new item is just me repeating myself, or just adding points to issues that are generally covered.  So what's the point?  Well I do it for me, cause it's my blog (shared with the other, of course).

So who are you?  Do these words mean anything to you?  Who are the people that read this blog?  Are they just passing posts?  No regard to who we are?  No understanding of who I am?  I don't even think this blog does a good job of explaining who I am.  But I guess I prefer it that way.  You see what I want you to see.  But I don't really do this for the audience.  I do it for me.  I'll always be writing here regardless.  It's my escape.  It's my release.  Anyone else who blogs should also have that in mind.

I'm just tired.  Tired of it all.  What do you do when you get to that sort of situation?  Nothing.  You just sleep and wish your entire life away.  I would love to actually see...crap and I totally forgot my point!  Hahah, I should have finished typing it before doing other stuff, now I have no idea what I was meant to be talking about.  My phrase for the day is going to be "fuck it" just keep trying.

And that's really all I can do at this point.  2.5 hours until I'm out of here.  It's a question of what I want.  My head is buzzing and I just want to collapse right here.  This is a very dark, dark hole I am in.  There's no way out.  Just further in until there's no light. 

Hmm I just feel like playing something randomly. 

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Is Nothing Better Than Something?

So tell me, is it?  The status quo prevails and I am still here.  I don't feel a thing.  Is there noone to back me up?  Nobody to count on?  There's nobody in my corner to throw in the towel.

I'm feeling so old lately.  I'm pulling 30 shortly.  Where did my life go?  Jesus.  I used to be young.  I used to be in university when I started blogging here with the other.  And now look at me.  It all just goes away.  Time just keeps going and we are all dying, day by day.  More of us lost.  It's a war of attrition and we just keep breeding in the hopes of sending more numbers to the front to create hope but this is a fight we cannot win.  What do you do?  One day you're 'it' and you're young and enjoying life, and the next second you turn around and you're old and just over things.  Ahh time, you are the variable we just don't need.  I would love existence in a static universe. 

Going back to a point from yesterday, I really don't like how Apple is now annualising its products.  There's always a new iPad or iPhone the next year, after they've touted what they've just released as a world beater.  That's the problem.  Apple have lost their way.  They have no visionary at the helm, and everything seems so uninspired.  They're just copying themselves.  They're out of ideas!!  Basically each new product is the same as the old one but with something silly attached that isn't really vital to the product or to the consumer.  And therein lies the problem of big business.  To make the products and get out in the world, you need to float the company and sell shares to the public.  But investors want the best return for their dollar, so they'll force companies to keep releasing products, even if they're not the best thing the company can release.  It's all about investor relations and that's incredibly sad.  It's what holds back true innovation and forward thinking, but that's today's capitalism for you.  Capitalism should inspire investment and industry, but it has brought out all our greed and worst qualities.  It really is the bane of the world. 

I've been enjoying a lot of Dilbert lately, as well as garfield minus garfield.  It's a brilliant thing.  I really need to finish my novels though, because I want to read paradise lost by Milton.  It looks epic.  I really should be taking the time to read more.  It's a great activity for everyone, and for those who are illiterate, I feel for, I really do.  For the information of the other, it's currently 11:11.  Spooky!

I swear last night and this morning that I had some great ideas to blog about, but right now my mind is drawing a blank. 

Man I'm even lacking the motivation to live, let alone get up in the morning and do anything worthwhile.  Why am I even bothering?  Why even look?

What I'm understanding now is that my generation are the ones that have been in the workforce for some time now.  What I discovered was that teachers are now putting up examples of mistakes (albeit humorous) from their students and putting them up on social media to show their friends.  Often you can identify the students (and thereby the school and the teacher), and it is highly unprofessional.  Imagine what that child must be going through, and just try and empathise with the humiliation and degradation involved.  That's the problem with people my age, they put everything up on social media, even when they shouldn't.  If your child is taught by someone in Generation Y, follow their social media accounts very closely, trust me.

I'm done for today.

Joaquin out.

In Lieu Of Real Words

What really irks me is that I get the best blog titles at the most random times, like just as I'm drifting off to sleep or first thing in the morning.  This of course usually means I have forgotten it by the time it actually comes to write up some blog notes.  Made the big mistake of having a nap when I got home last night for about an hour, and this of course resulted in the inability to sleep when it was actually bed time.  What's annoying is that I could have just slept through until today during that nap, instead of having to get up and then ruin my sleep.

As a result I was not able to wake up properly this morning and couldn't go to the gym.  It also didn't help that I had the weirdest dreams.  Friends with a bunch of people I've never seen before and interacting with people I hadn't seen in a long time, like 15 years or so.  It's all poison for the mind.

Back to other pressing matters, I have to make a decision about this job by the end of the week, and I still have no clue what to do.  I don't really want to have this conversation.  So many risks, so many pros and cons.  It doesn't help that I'm too tired to think properly.  I've been enjoying guitar, even though I have been playing popular songs and brushing up on my chord memory, and not really focusing on my own stuff.  It's a shame, cause I really like going through and consolidating ideas.  There's nothing that beats the pleasure that comes from combining two separate ideas into one really great idea.  I still need to get a loop pedal so I can accompany myself.

What concerns me about the entire games industry is that it appears that everything is annualised and created to cost consumers more money.  Remember the old days when your Sega Megadrive or Super Nintendo lasted like 10 years or so while they kept creating games for it?  Now the focus is on graphics and processor performance and not so much on fun experiences or compelling story telling.  These days, consoles barely have shelf lives of 4-5 years before they are being replaced in their entirety.  Then you also get games that are annualised, like the Call of Duty series and what not, and gamers are just burnt out.  They're not getting their full value from the $80 or so they put down on these games, especially when game companies expect them to buy multiple games over the course of a year or so.  Time constraints are also a major problem as people get older and have more responsibilities at home, and that's not good for game folks because these are the people who have the disposable income to buy the stuff.  These days I can't really put down the several hours per turn to play some Total War, but I can spare a few doses of 10-15 minutes to play a few rounds of Counter Strike Global Offensive or Chivalry Medieval Warfare.  Cause there's no buildup, you just go for it guns (or swords) blazing, and after some hardcore intensity, the match is over and you can go back to living your life.  Reminds me of my old school days of playing Unreal Tournament during College or University as stress relief.  I'd play assault maps and just thrash everyone.  Haven't played that in a while, but I guess it's not AS fun on new computers because it runs so smooth.  I enjoyed the choppy and stilted action from my old PC, those were good times.  2-3am during holidays just going nuts in front of the fan to cool the faulty computer cooling while getting my Unreal Tournament on, ahhh those were the days.

Life just moves too fast.  There's no time to stop and smell the figurative roses.  Everyone turns into vultures, and they're all too prepared to feast on the corpse of success at the expense of everyone else.

I'm hating this, I'm really hating this.  I think I'll turn it down, there's just too many complications.  Story of my life, right? 

Hmm, I'm kind of reminded of a quote which I'm sure I've botched up somewhere.

Is that it?  Is this it?  Am I watching my dreams die right in front of me?  Somewhere I guess I just lost my way.  But what point was that?  I guess where I was born.  None of this should be happening.  It could be worse, though! 

I think I'm done for today.  I don't want to check my e-mail after rejecting that job offer, but I know I have to, in order to send this to myself so I can actually blog later on tonight.  Blaaargh.

Ok, no more typos!  Gotta start proofing my own shit.  And I'll also have to finish blood meridian!  Damn you, Cormac, damn you!  Addictive writing.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Joaquin out.

Singing Low Then Singing High

Must be so taxing on the voice and throat, but not like I'd know, because I can't sing.  Or at least I don't think so.  I've never really tried.  I think it would take some confidence to at least start well, and that's not something I have.

I still haven't made my mind up about this job.  It's not a sure thing.  It might put me in a worse situation, so I'm not sure if it's something I want to do.  Or it could be me on to the path of something else even better.  Isn't that the gamble of life?  It all is.  But then again, I guess the end result is the same for everyone - that is if you believe death is really the end of everything.  So what's the point?  We might as well just be ordinary and try to just enjoy things while we can.

I was reading a really interesting story about children who believe they've been reincarnated because they can recall in vivid detail elements of their past lives.  They know stuff they can't possibly know.  They're well informed about things in the past, and it's just really a disturbing and interesting concept.  Very few religions focus on reincarnation, and most write it off as a fallacy.  Spirituality as a broad concept agrees with it, but scientifically speaking, it could have some basis.  I mean, we're all made up of the same matter and particles.  If some of those items are later re-combined and can remember that they were together before, then why couldn't past lives be real?  It is food for thought.  Then that leads to harder questions such as the possibility of karma being real.  No energy is ever wasted, there is a finite amount of information in the universe, so things have to get recycled.  There is a system in place, but we don't really understand it, because the interplay between what we can see and that we can't see is incredibly complex.  There's dark energy and dark matter, and the recent proof of the Higgs-Boson particle.  I want to jump ahead 100 years and see what we do with the information.

Another factor in these children being able to remember things is that they are so young that they haven't really had a chance for the present to overwrite their memories and channel them as new individuals.  That's an interesting way to think about how time works.

I guess we're all still learning and we keep doing so until we die.  But at some point, it has to be over for humanity.  And then what?  What does this become?  What do we become?  Isn't that also a horrific idea that there are no real consequences for your actions?  We're just a random assembly of matter and particles.  Gosh, is it just me or does this thing just keep going in circles? 

Ahh Le Sigh, still 2 hours to go until I'm out of here, and I have nothing to do to fill up my time.  But I know there is!  There's stuff I gotta do!  And I should be learning notes on the guitar. 

Damn, too many missed opportunities.  Decisions, decisions.  Just fucking me over.

I think I'm done with today.  I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  Actually, maybe I do.  But getting it is entirely something else.

Joaquin out.

Soft Synth Shuffle

Hahaha, I don't know why, but that title made me smile.  Who woulda guessed?!  I was actually looking forward to this working week last night, but now that it's here, it's all fallen by the wayside.  It's a bit cold, I'm incredibly tired, and I'm just mentally not here again.  So I get in and realise I have to pay my tax liability this year, which was freakin' astronomical!  Baaah!  Hahaha and it was supposed to be a good week!  But that's out of the way, and hopefully from this year onwards my liability won't be so high because I've paid off my school loans.

I've read that Christine McVie is interested in coming back to Fleetwood Mac!  That would be absolutely awesome!  If she comes back, I'll definitely go see them live, because they can't sing little lies without her.  That's her song pretty much.  And it's my fave, and as I'm sure I've told you, everyone has a favourite Fleetwood Mac song. 

I have an idea for tumblr, and I won't place it on there, because I don't think it needs to be.  Yes, it's avoiding the cliche.  Why can't tags be cross-referenced when you search?  If I want to search for more than 2 tags for the one post, it can't be done.  I have to do it one tag at a time, and most of the time you're going to end up with mostly irrelevant things.  So why not be able to search more than 1 tag and narrow things down to what you need?  That would make more sense to me.  Or at least allow boolean queries for tumblr's search.  Then again, I don't really use that many tag searches.

There's something really odd going on with the whole thing.  A dialogue I'm not aware of.  Perhaps it was all a little bit of too much too soon.  The endorphins from this morning's gym session have hit me and I'm ready to just drift off to sleep.  Doesn't help that I'm nursing an SRI (sex-related injury) at the moment in the form of my shoulder.  Just feels like it's separated from my entire back, but it's not quite dislocated.

What is it with banks trying to help me get more money?  Here's how my setup is at the moment, a transaction account which I run at a low balance to stop me from buying stupid things, or things I don't need.  I also have an online savings account which all my savings goes into.  It used to have an absolutely epic interest rate when I opened the account, because my brother called me an idiot for only having one account (transaction accounts pay shit all interest).  Gradually, they have reduced the interest rate on that online account to barely anything, and then today I was talked into getting another online account with really heavy transaction limits.  So now I have like 5 accounts under my name.  Great, so much for things becoming less complex in my life!!  Yeah yeah, I know, I have money, but it's really not all that much. 

Screw this technical revolution, give me a pen and paper any day of the week.  You can branch off and do whatever.  You don't have to stick to text, you can change to pictures, and do mind maps and diagrams and what not.  No computer or system can do that rapidly.

Don't do what Dony Don't Does!  Hahaha, I'm having one of those moments right now.  Did I mention that I was given a job offer back in Sydney?  It's slightly more pay than what I get now, but the title seems like a step backwards.  What's more is that it's only for one year on contract while covering someone else.  It doesn't sound like what I could go for right now.  I guess I'm really concerned about having a GOB Arrested Development style "I've made a huge mistake" sort of moment.  But I picture it in my mind and all I want to do is destroy it.  Maybe things are a little warped in my mind.  I will not be Gatsby'd out thank you very much!

It's not so great when you get deja vu and realise it's in relation to wasting your life.  I'm not proofing well enough, and I keep making silly mistakes and typos.  I guess I'm just over it.  I need a break, or I need something new.  One or the other.  Or both.  Ahh decisions, decisions.  And I still have 90 minutes until I'm out of here. 

With all that we know about the world, I feel that we're now more inclined to be cynical and disbelieve things.  The magic of the world has faded, and it's affecting all of us in negative ways, don't you think?

Anyhow, I'm done for today. 

Joaquin out.

Pacific State Of Mind

My trip went well.  I had a good time on my own, but everything did feel a bit rushed.  Didn't sleep at all for a good 48 hour period, and I am badly in need of a shower.  But I'll get on to that.  Blogging comes first, you know!  Things were very busy interstate and I worked hard.  But I also got to relax.  Went down to the casino and played some no limit hold'em poker.  Well holy shit, it was intense and seriously hard.  Paid $200 for the buy in and lost it all in 3 hands.  Then re-bought in for another $200 and played damn slow and tight. Ended up with $560, so it was a net gain of $160.  Won't be doing that again, even if I did come out on top. Just too intense for me, and time consuming.

Are we moving to zero hour?  Things have to happen.  Things are just too unexpected.  Burn it all.  Burnt it all down so it resembles hell.  Things are going to be interesting.

I'm still pretty exhausted, but in a way I am sort of looking forward to work tomorrow so that I can blog.  I received a job offer in another city, for a little bit more pay, but it's only one year.  I don't know if I'll take it.  Decisions, decisions.

That's it for today.  More cohesion and ideas tomorrow, folks.

Joaquin out.