My Hair...

It's been quite a while since I've gotten a hair cut. It been almost 2 semesters now that I've been growing it. Everything has a reason, and I think I've explained this one with many different reasons from time to time. The last year and a half before this, I'd been walking around without any hair, to make things easier on myself. I don't think I really know why I kept that up for so long, but I think it felt good not to have to gel my hair up everyday in the morning. Possibly it was influenced by other peoples opinions, I've been quite a push over in the past. Whatever those reasons were, they are long gone.

First time I thought about growing my hair, it was because I wanted a change. Change from the norm that surrounded my life at that time. I had figured that I was going to go back to Bangladesh at the end of last year, and get a job. So the final semester of my University life was going to be the last chance for me to grow my hair, one last chance for a shade of rebellion before I plunge into conformity. Its quite funny, the last 2 years of my life I spent trying to conform to everything that I oh so dearly hate. I sold out for a while, lets hope that that was it for my selling out.

Life turned sour, and out went the conformity. I looked to my past and brought out everything that was me before these years. I reverted back to myself. My hair grew, with all the emotions that were seething in me. Longer and longer overtime. To me sometimes it feels like these locks are a sign of how long I've been walking down this way. Within them locked all the emotions that I've felt over this past year. Slowly letting it all grow out of me, an extension.

Over the vacation, Jester and I used to joke that I've been growing my hair just so I can hide my eyes behind them. Its actually funny, I think that it is a good place to hide. Hide from everyone who once knew me, and it worked, people don't always recognize me on first look.

Now its just become who I am, and thats why its still there... I don't think it needs a reason, its simply there...

Automatic Stabilizers

There are so many people I've come across in the past, who just aren't satisfied with who they are. Always want more to satisfy something that they are missing inside. To know inside that you're quite alright, or even better than that is important. Some have done so much to other people that they are guilt stricken an no matter what they do, a self loathing exists that they cannot dispel. It like an automatic stabilizer, or even a form of karma, just not in its traditional sense. Not enforced by a higher being, rather yourself. No matter what you do, you can't run away from your guilt, they will always be there. But if you do enough good things in you life, then there is form of give and take, judged only by ones own head. You can lie to a million people, but you can't lie to yourself. I've seen some 'shiny' people loved by all, living like kings, but behind closed doors, tears roll down their cheeks. They live their lives by others judgments, but never quite happy with their own. Constantly looking at the 'stars' of this world, looking for a hidden meaning, a loop hole, but there is none. Reading through self help magazines, reading all those self help books. Eventually, either they have to rectify their ways, or run a course which is distended for worse. To make amends with yourself is all you can do, you should try it before its made illegal.

This is something I've thought about quite a bit in the past. Met a few of them in my life time. No one can save them, they can only find themselves. Started thinking about it all over again, after coming across "low place like home - sneaker pimps." Kick ass song, and a top band, give them a spin if you get the chance...

Low place like home - Sneaker Pimps

You walked all over, in your blunderstones
In your own road movie, with your one armed man
Gonna make it to the problem page
Trouble-shoot your life
Gonna make it to the problem page
Need some time and space

Just to find yourself
I hope you find yourself
In a low place like home
Low place like home

You talked it over from your bedroom throne
Making sense of nothing, like your one armed man,
Read your future in the magazine, search your stars for clues
Read your future in the magazine, tells you what to lose

Just to find yourself
I hope you find yourself
In a low place like home
Low place like home

You fall all over, in your small town heels
Catching hold of nothing, like your one armed man,
Treat your life like a tragedy, self-inflict abuse
Treat your life like a tragedy, precious else to choose
Crucify yourself, I hope you find yourself

In a low place like home
Low place like home

(Lyrics from song)

It Just Wizzzed Past...

I think there might be something in the past that I've over looked. A hidden mean, a silent cliff note. Somewhere in there is a little statement that makes us all burst into laughter. Things go in circles, not always the same circle, but I think it just gets bigger and bigger each time it does a full orbit. Sorta like the rings on the trunk of a tree, or Fibonacci's sequence. It exponentially increases. There are certain things in my life that seem to happen around the time when things take a turn, certain events that mold themselves together. Today Weezer got me thinking about this theory of mine. I remember when the green album was there, I was someone else, someone with everything sorta planned out in front of him just not willing to take the chances that he needed to take. Afraid of what might be there if the doors were opened. Regardless the doors did open, and I found a life I never thought I'd have. Some good, some bad, but never the less a lot of memories. Memories I cherish, and memories I'm glad to have shared with the people that I have. I don't think many or any of those people are still hanging around. Maladroit, pain of a high school ended, life took a turn, did some seriously crazy things that took me to places and lengths that have taught me a lot of lessons. Took the time to figure out who I was, spent a lot of time on my own. Collected my thoughts, and started afresh. Life stayed static for a while, doing the same thing everyday that need to be done, with an ultimate goal in mind. A goal that I achieved, but not entirely in the manner that I had thought I would at that particular time. Years later, the next weezer album came out, end of 2005. My life took a complete turn after that, a roller coaster from which I still get motion sick from time to time, and something that I'm still recovering from. Regardless, life altering, personality shifting... In about 9 days time the next weezer album is coming out, and I don't know what to expect, or whether its going to make a difference or not this time. I guess all I can do is sit an wait. All I know for now is that my life is in extreme order, not something I'm entirely used to... Let me see where this is going to lead...

My best laid plans have left me open...

Its been a while I know, and its alright. For the last few weeks, I've detached myself from the world that lies outside of my room, cept for work and a certain overwhelming library. Its not you its me, or maybe I just lied, and its a little of both. Maybe I figured that the solution to the worlds greatest equations is simpler than we presume. Replace all the x's and y's with 0's and it will all add up to 1. Myself. The ultimate prime, 1. The most important number of them all, because thats one more than nothing, and one less than a lot of problems. You can't get an argument with yourself, you can't break your own heart, you can't really screw with your own head either, if there isn't anyone else screwing with it in the first place. Hows that for some insight. I'm sure my supervisor would quite agree with me on that one. In his words, 'women, the reason for all the failures in a mans life.' Ultimately might be one hellova thought.

Photography and work keeps me sane. There is beauty even within the most monotonous thing in the world. Canberra is getting old really fast, but you seem to notice a lot more if you look closely with a lens. A practice I'm getting quite aquanted with. Packing box after box, no matter how much you back, there are just as many people out there who are helping unpack the shelves. Supermarket, one of the greatest inventions of my lifetime. Its a therapy for my broken sould, an endless amount of time to think about whatever I may desire, and get my muscles worked out, and get paid all at the sametime. Beat that for multitasking.

I've even disconnected my MSN, who needs that anyways? If people really think that I'm worth the effort, then they can come and meet me in person, otherwise, I've had it with these virtual people. I'm living in the real, for once in my life, and not trying to escape by any means possible, so why not make the most of it. I'm not going out of the way to make things happen, they will happen in their own pace. What must be done now, must be done now.

There is a hole in my tea cup somewhere. No matter how many cups of tea I make, when I turn to take the next sip, it always turns out to be empty. Or maybe I'm just using that for a metaphor. I think that just happened on its own, I didn't intend to write such words of wisdom. I thought I loved coffee, turns out that I love tea even more, never been a big fan of bitter. And as I turn to take another sip, I realize that my cup is yet again empty, so I'd better get to the microwave, watch my cup spin around, till I have some more brown liquid to sip on. Don't let the rain wash you away... Night...

On a side note to anyone who has a clue about my 11 issue. In the episode "LOL" of californication while Hank is talking on the radio, the clock behind him is stopped at 3:11. If thats not enough, the other day I was watching Number 23, and he wakes up to see the clock at 2:11 (though it moves on to 2:12 for the movies plot line, but still, why did was it at 11??). And if even thats not enough, there are all these ads around town for telstra, and the time on the phone is static on 3:11... All over town!!

Mixed up the break with the accelerator...

Its been a while, and somehow a lot has been happening in my life, and left me neglecting my blog. As always, I'll be back at some point to write up whats on my mind.

Its been an interesting few weeks, busy trying to get things in order, and now reaching the section of the semester where I really have to get my ass in gear, and finish off these last few things that have to happen soon. This semester is my course work semester, as next semester, I don't really have classes, I just need to get myself to writing this paper. The work load is quite high, but its going to really test my skills. Even though I doubt myself from time to time, I know that I'm not a quitter, and don't leave things in the middle when I know that this is something I want to do.

In the words of Marshal McLuhan, the camera is an extension of my eyes. And god I love my eyes, I don't know what I'd do without them. The beauty would have been lost forever. I've been having a great time having the equipment that I need, and snapping up the earth in the way that I see them. The camera is wonderful, you can take slices out of your vision and preserve them for later viewing. Truly uncanny, and truly fascinating.

It think in some respects, my priorities have been in disorder, and now its time to shift them around to do what needs to be done. I don't necessarily think its the worst thing in the world. Only from a realization of this sort, can I be driven back into order.

I haven't written in a while, and this is a jump start on that process. I'll be back soon, in normal swing... Till then...