It's rhetorical! Wow, Adventure Time is truly fucked up.
Oh, fuck me. Am I really starting to believe my own hype? This is a worrying trend. I'm starting to question what is going on with me, physically and mentally. Since I was sick at the start of the year, I've just found it impossible to put on any weight. That and now my brain is becoming so frequently scattered that I can't even string together more than 2 connected thoughts anymore. I'm worried about myself. And I still have to be here for a good 2 months without any substantial time off. I miss the private sector shutdown period. We almost had 3 weeks off, and I just totally went nuts with afternoon workouts and watching movies and playing games. I was in a different city then, wow. What a strange realisation.
T-Boy has gotten me into korean music, particularly K-Pop and I'm addicted to Girl's Generation. Well specifically Sooyoung and Hyoyeon, haha! They're hot, what can I say? Catchy melodies and just generally good music, what isn't there to love??
In hindsight, I should have gone back, just to see what would happen. But there's a limit to how much my body can take. Something bad could have happened and I would have ended up in hospital, or worse. But I need to know. I don't get my fix until the end of the day now, as opposed to when I took time off and I could feed my obsession almost instantly.
Gah, I am so fucking tired and feeling unwell today. Just feeling lightheaded and dizzy all the time. And to top it off, I'm as hungry as a motherfucker, what's wrong with me?? I just want to gorge and sleep. Is that too much to ask? I'm just so bloody miserable. On the plus side, there's literally no work to do right now.
Guitaring is just phenomenal. I've been playing the other's songs as well as my own and there's just so much potential for greatness there. Interesting chords and rhythms that lend themselves to vocal lines so easily. How melodious!
So irate. So bloody irate. It's all calculated just to piss me off. But it is other people's naivete and foolishness that are at play here. You reach a goal and then you should just let it play out and see where it goes. What would you do? I mean really? Things just get more complicated when it's not just about me anymore. There are others to consider. Things used to be so much easier and less complex.
I mean how much of this is there? 60 or so years? Does it get any better? Will I learn to appreciate it? Do I have to crush all obstacles to my happiness in the process?
And I ask, how could someone be so cold and callous? How could others get that sort of treatment? Yeah, just call me maybe, hahaha! There will be an again. Trust me.
As the flower of youth disappears and the grim spectre of middle age is upon us, the self delusion just takes off, unimpeded.
Shit, it's only 10:42! How am I supposed to get through this day? At least there is a weekend on the other side of it and I can hopefully relax and get some much deserved sleep. I think that's where the tiredness is coming from, I don't really recall sleeping last night. Shit, I'm starting to lose it here, I'm just THAT tired.
No hard feelings, right? They're the only ones remaining.
I wonder why I didn't blog when I was overseas last? In fact, I don't even recall if that's true. I'm up to March 2010 at the moment, so I'm slowly catching up, though I suspect 2012 might be an impossible year to catch up on.
It's dry dead heat outside right now, but I can't feel it because I'm in an airconditioned office. I'm in a weird mood right now. I would love to go for a walk, but it's almost 40 degrees celsius outside (104 F) and I'm wearing a suit without a blazer, so that would be a dumb idea. Well unless I could walk home to a cold shower. I'd like to get out there and explore. And I guess in a way I did while I was off, but not as much as I would have liked.
Hmmm, next week should be interesting, we'll see what happens. Confrontation was never big on my plate, but if that's what it takes, then so be it.
We live in a world where people on the roads don't even stop for ambulances or fire trucks, even in an emergency, as you're supposed to do. When did people develop such contempt for others?
Things need to get worse before they get better. What am I being seduced by? I think it's probably elements of my own psyche.
Aiming to get into some Counter Strike GO this weekend. I love the fast and frenetic pace of it. You get nailed by someone, and when they zoom in on that character, you most of the time in the midst of their death throes and it's absolutely hilarious. Nobody lasts very long in that game!
I really like the dark tone and nature of Evangelion. Is Anno-San right in his belief that children should be exposed to the realities of life as soon as possible? If that's the case, shouldn't we try to change those realities? After all, nothing is certain.
I was built up, like a machine. Just to fail. Just to break down and be useless. What do you say when given the chance? If only I had known more. This mediocrity is killing me. I don't like how I was treated. Amends need to be made.
Ahh, why am I just not feeling it?? It's like a return to what I was feeling near the start of the year, except instead of anger and grief, there is only nothing. A deep chasm where I used to be. Coffee and cigarettes, right? I'm not even granted that anymore. The anonymous crowd and their ways. Jesus, I didn't need to read that, now I'm pissed off even more. It's all just so dead inside.
Actions, how you act, or even how you fail to act can change people's lives, sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the best. Just be mindful of that, the next time you interact with someone, no matter how innocuous the whole thing seems. I guess some people fail to realise that.
Ok, now it's 3:30, so only 90 minutes or thereabouts until I can go home and just forget about this week. Alas, the stress and anxiety doesn't end there. It's probably only just starting.
Going back over the other's earlier posts and a common theme seems to resonate around karma and fate. This gets back to the circular argument, if there is fate and no free will, why should we be held accountable for our actions? Let's take an extreme example where person A hurts, or even kills person B. Under the law they should (rightfully) be punished. But then the argument is, if the person was destined to do such a thing, why should they be punished? They couldn't help it, right? Well then you could also argue that the relevant punishment is also their fate. But wow, what sort of a shitty existence is that, where you do not have the freedom of choice to do the right thing.
I can't move on, nobody can. What did you do to me?
That's it for today. Probably won't blog this weekend, but I'm sure I won't be missed. Just want to stop this existence. Move on to the next one, just to experience it. This self hatred, I wish it would go away.
Joaquin out.
