Am I Having A Stroke?

Just had the weirdest feeling ever at the back of my head.

Well if it is, it's been good.

Joaquin out (maybe well and truly)!

The 5 Year Plan

Does anyone know what they're doing in 5 years?  As in, what is their 5 year plan?  I hate getting asked that question, because I really don't know what I want to be doing.  All I can tell you is that it's not this.  Work is killing my spirit.  Life is just killing my spirit.  I didn't choose this, why must I be here?  How does anyone know what the future has in store?  And 5 years is a long time when you think about it, but I'm sure it can just pass by in the blink of an eye when you compare it to your entire life.  How is anyone supposed to know?  You can't really control life, can you?  What good is your life- what value is it worth when all you have to look forward to is tasting the unopened bottle of orange juice tomorrow?  That's not enjoying the little things, that's being stuck in the mundane, with no hope of escape.

I'm looking forward to getting back to getting back into Chivalry Medieval Warfare.  Got the update last night and played it a bit - it seems very smooth.  Loving the fisticuffs map, too.  But 20 mins for that is pretty long.  As a result, didn't get to play as much guitar as I wanted, but that's ok.  I'll get into it this weekend.  That and some gameage.

What you're reading here is the blog of someone who doesn't matter.  Someone like you.  This life has no bearing on the world.  Not even in an imperceptible way.  What of it?  Is there no common thread pulling us all together?  Or maybe it's what's driving us apart? 

Excellent, only 1 hour to go before the week is done.  It would be easier to deal with if my chest would stop hurting.  I don't know why the pain has returned.  I thought I slept ok last night.

The fruit is bountiful, yet the water runs dry.

I just need to relax.  Relax and just let it all pass me by.  Relax until there is nothing left of me.  I'm here just fading away. 

Does any of this make sense?  To anyone?  Cause it doesn't even make sense to me, and I'm the one writing it, so I don't know how the hell anyone else is meant to make any sense out of these ramblings!

Only a little while longer, just have to hold on through all of it.

To crouch down and hide, and not be counted.

Joaquin out.

Blistered Hands & Bruised Egos

Yet the drudgery of it all continues.  Sometimes I wish I was never alive.  Not dead - there's a clear difference.  A complete lack of existence compared to being alive, just to lose existence anyway.  Why?  Why did this body have to be mine?  Why did I have to inhabit this consciousness?  Couldn't I just not be?  And it's these things which keep me up at night.  It's all just a bit too much.  Why, why why?  Why me?  Why not someone else?  So that I wouldn't even know what I was missing.  There had better be something else in the end.

From here I can see the shadows move.  Life is moving on when I wish it did not.  I'm looking for convergence.  Not for my own life, but for everything - all lives.  Compress it.  Have I turned into Ultimecia from FF8?  Who knows.  Everything, all of it, at once. 

The lines on my face are showing.  The softness of youth fades away to the harshness of time and decay.
I don't get this new version of iOS - when I send an e-mail from the app, the plane whooshing noise (usually to signify that your mail has sent), is heard before anything is sent!  It makes the noise, then it makes the connection, then it sends.  What strangeness!  They have to patch that, cause it's really disturbing!
Oh man, I can't believe it's only Thursday!  It's a short week, too!  It already feels like Friday.  I don't know how I'm going to come in tomorrow.  And I really don't want to nap tonight.  Better rest up though, going to test drive some cars on Saturday.

Arghh, I'm trying to avoid falling asleep at my desk here.  An interesting factoid for you: we are receiving a lot of hits from our 2004 period lately.  I wonder what's spurred it on?  I've had a look through the posts coming up in the analysis screen, and it doesn't really relate to any topics that the public would be after, or maybe so you would think?  Probably just spam bots trawling for data.  But interesting, nonetheless.
It's getting cold again and I can't cope.  Ever since I got sick last year, I've found it really difficult to maintain body temperature.  I'm always feeling cold or hot.  Never comfortable.  Wonder what that is?

Time wasted can never be gained back.

Can I keep blogging, always?  To be honest, right now I don't see a time in the future where I'm ever not blogging.  In which case, let's all just continue on as business as usual.  But maybe one day it will just stop.  But until then, read on. 

2 hours to go until home time?  How am I supposed to do this?  I'm also ridiculously hungry!  How can I put up with this?  I could really do with some sleep. 

What I'll never understand are films related to people who have everything but are forced to realise that maybe they don't.  They are popular, well liked, have steady relationships, and are successful with their careers.  But through various trials and tribulations, they realise they aren't happy with such a supposedly shallow existence and seek to actively change it.  But that really annoys me - the things they have are what we are taught to strive for!  What more can they change about their lives in order to be happy?  Don't give me that shit, because films like It's A Wonderful Life make people realise they are lucky and should enjoy their own lives - which is a good lesson.  But other films which tell you to seek out more are just complete contrivances.  People who aren't happy with their lives can't relate to films like that, because they don't identify with characters who seemingly have everything they want, yet aren't happy.  Way to alienate the audience - films like Any Questions For Ben take note!

Just had a very good idea!

Anyway, I find it really odd that people find it difficult to get into the public service.  Firstly, why is it so hard?  I think it's a question of attrition, just like any other job hunting exercise.  You'll get something eventually, as long as your application is decent quality.  The other question is why would anyone want to work there?  It's not a good workplace, it's just full of terrible management, terrible practices, and awful bureaucracy.  Why would anyone sign up for that?  The opportunities in the private sector are so much better.  Well at least at high end places.  That's what you should aim for.

Net rolls over tonight and I have a gig up my sleeve!  Hell yes, can't wait to waste some bandwidth and continue with my youtube exploits.

So what's the deal with social media?  Well my deal at least?  I use facebook, twitter and tumblr, and I suppose this counts in a way.  This is by far my favourite medium, but followed quite closely by tumblr.  I get news, humour and personal interest stuff on there that I can just enjoy.  Twitter is mostly not funny and doesn't really cheer me up.  Facebook is boring, my friends don't seem to be doing anything interesting, or at least they don't put it up on there anymore.  So I should just use this and tumblr!

Anyhow, I'd better leave it here.

Joaquin out.

So Now We're Back To This?

Yes, indeed we are.  But that's cool, I'm happy to keep writing.  Ahh, but what is there today?  The weather has turned, and at the risk of pulling a game of thrones cliche - winter is coming.  Damn right, it's overcast, cold, windy and it blows.  Got some hardcore guitar playing in last night, which I'm very happy about.  It's amazing how much my mind can remember in terms of chords and progressions and melodies.  I'll make sure to get some more of that in tonight.  Happy with my playing, and thankful that last week's run of terrible playing is over.

Despite how well I play, despite how fast I can get or technical and whatever, I'll always tell you that the best piece of instrumental music is from kd Lang's constant craving.  It's not even a solo, it's an instrumental music in the break of the song.  It's not even a guitar, it's a mandolin.  It sounds amazing. 

One thing I'm not liking is cars with numerous models under the one name.  So for example, you can get Car A stock, luxury, or racing model under the same name.  Why?!  If you have different specs, why not give them different names to reflect the different pricing options, don't put them under the umbrella name!

Ok, just need to make 90 minutes before I can get out of here.  Sure I can do it!

It will be good to get out of here and just relax tonight.  Getting close to my download limit for the month.  Just need to put up with it for a day or two before it rolls over, thankfully.  Don't want to get shaped again!  Also been raging to get back into Chivalry Medieval Warfare.  It's been a while and I've got a hankering for some spankering!

Ok better keep it there for now.

Joaquin out.

This Post Had A Good Title

But now I can't remember what it was!  Haha, I remember I was at the gym and the title entered my head and I was like "oh that's a great idea for a blog title" but of course it's now like 4 hours later and I can't remember what it was.  Oh well, I'll just continue.  Good to be back at the gym, I'm fitter and stronger than I ever have been in my entire life.  I can run faster and harder, lift and pull much heavier weights than I used to be able to, and it's all great.  What's interesting, however, is that I haven't really gained that much net weight, despite having put on a lot more muscle mass.  Oh well, as long as I'm feeling better.

What I find really interesting is the ability of operating systems and programs to use up less space in subsequent builds.  What I'm referring to is the latest iOS (6.x) something for iPhone, because I remember I had only about 2 gig free at the start, before I upgraded.  Now I have 4.4 gig free, and I have put more music on there, so the new build is much more streamlined, yet offers a much better user end experience.  I wonder why the programming was never that good in the first place?  Ditto with my solid state hard drive on the computer, where I was down to 1.5 gig free (off a 64 gig HD), and I was paranoid that things were going to mess up, but luckily a recent update (I haven't deleted anything off that drive) has resulted in 14 gig free, with room to breathe!  I love it. 

Updated some more new music on my HD and iPhone, and I've been really getting into Haim.  For those not in the know, they are a great 4 piece (including 3 sisters) who specialise in gorgeous harmonies and simplified music that's still danceable and funky.  Check out their stuff on youtube, it's fantastic, quite reminiscent of 80's Fleetwood Mac (which in my opinion, was their best period).

It's mid-morning and I've already completed all my work.  What am I supposed to do now?  This isn't good! 

It's time to fuck with the status quo, methinks.

Alright, just need to make it an hour and a bit until I can get out of here. 

Joaquin out.

Dirty Writings

Just going to write even though I have no motivation or any content to blog about.

Been enjoying the new iOS, which has fixed up my 3G issues, which I guess related to the carrier settings, which has all now thankfully been fixed.

The new iTunes has caught a lot of flack for the difficulty in navigation, but I actually find it quite intuitive, and very easy to use.  But that's cause I didn't use the old iTunes that much, so I hadn't learned all the old things I needed to.  Overall, I'm left as a winner, not bad at all!

Hahaha.

Ok, it's time for some guitar.

More posting tomorrow.