It Could Be Anything

Already awake. Not good.

That's why it's making life so difficult. If only I was paying attention, things would be so much easier.

Can't even put 2 and 2 together. Because it wasn't what I thought it was. Cause I was way off.

There's still a chance. Half a chance. I still hold out hope.

Hmmmm.

I am Joaquin. I'm out.

And Just Like That

it's 5am.

I can't sleep.  I just can't.

And it's like that I'll lose my mind.

I've already lost my shit.

AHHH!

I've worked myself up to a state that even if I knew the answers, I could fucking GUARANTEE that I would not be shocked, because I'm wrong.  And I want to be right.

It's Not What I Thought It Was

And now I can't sleep.  Too many thoughts running through my head.

How can it be?  Was I lied to?

Have things changed?

ARGHHHHHH!

For fuck's sake!

Can I please catch a break?  That's all I need.  I suppose everything else has been down to sheer dumb fucking luck.

But now I realise I've been wasting time when I should have been busying myself with other shit.  Goddamn! Now I've run out of time and my life just feels like a waste.

I guess I can keep my options open.  Let's see.

Joaquin out.

The Wrong Stuff

Had another difficult night's sleep. I kept waking up and just couldn't get settled. I'm just so tired today. I'm feeling old! My body hurts and I just couldn't get with the program this morning. I suppose it's all downhill from here, right?

"I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving" - Thank you Morrissey. Quote for the day.

I don't know what's up, I'm feeling very strange today. Mortality seems very prevalent as the clocks tick away.

I was thinking about it last night (I don't know what spurred it on), but I don't really have any close friends. Nobody really knows that much about me, and I guess I'm ok with that. I don't really like people.

Today was deceptive. Looked outside and it was sunny, but it was actually blisteringly cold. "When the cold wind blows, it'll turn your head around" - Thank you James Taylor. Haha, look at me, talking about the weather, so lame!

Don't make lists, just live your life.

I'm starting to think I know what's going on here, and I don't really like it. Crushing a man's spirit. Such monotony. Such inherent failure in the system and the world.

Finally, a weekend of not having to be interstate. I'm just going to relax and play games. Not that any of that stuff makes me happy.

Some people have truly fucked up emotional coping mechanisms.

Have you ever had a weird moment where you saw an image superimposed on something else and realised that you will dream about it later? You hardly ever dream about things literally, I mean you won't pick up a stick and have it behave like a stick. It'll take on some weird properties or something like that. But today I had a moment where I saw a weird image and realised that's how my brain will reinterpret it when I'm dreaming. Hopefully I'll remember it, so when I actually do dream it, I can post about it here and see if I was right.

And in the reflected shadows, my dreams came true. It sounds like a wonderful thing, doesn't it?

Finally cut my nails and am playing guitar like a champion. Got a new chord progression going which I'm absolutely in love with. Something I never thought I would be playing. But it's ample fun.

Damn this weather, it reminds me of bad memories.

Just need to make it another 90 minutes before I can get the hell out of here.

A driven will to succeed damn it. That's what I'm lacking right now.

Oh god! Still 40 more mins to go of this boring tedium? Ahhh! At least I'm trying to keep myself occupied.

Well let's call that a day.

Joaquin out.

My Dreams Get Real Bizzarre

And I just really don't want to wake up in the mornings because reality is much harder to take.

Jesus! It's been a hell of a day in the office, let me tell you! My brain was fried in the morning from doing jack all, and then things got busy in the afternoon with a lot of urgent and important stuff. It's not good when you get rikroll'd by your boss on all your comments and ideas and suggestions, ouch! But oh well. I take it as birthday karma. Everything just tends to get a little shittier as my birthday approaches and leaves me. Haha! Rules to be me!

I absolutely detest women who wear leggings/jeggings as a legitimate form of clothing! Not just that, I can't stand it as exercise wear either! Idiots! It makes no sense, I just ask WHY!

I hate it when you go to fill out forms on the Internet and big places (universities, banks etc.) haven't correctly formatted them, so you can't read everything in there, or there's no room to input additional (but relevant) information. Should probably hire more people who didn't fail High School internet classes. Haha! I can't believe we had classes related to internet use when I was in high school! I can't imagine that they would even need to do that now. Kids these days just scare me with what they know and how they go about their business. I hope they get their fearlessness kicked the shit out of them! Then again, maybe I think that because I'm jaded.

The sunshine looks amazing when it reflects off the flag, as the wind blows wildly.

The news was reporting the other day that some quantum physicists have postulated that there is the possibility of the soul being located in the brain. I love how the media jumped all over this and said "science proves existence of soul". I think this is where the future of science lies though, in quantum mechanics and these sort of advanced hypotheses, because in a way it makes sense. No energy is wasted in the universe, it merely becomes other forms of matter. Hell, maybe it becomes dark matter or even dark energy?

I'm fighting my own atheism here. It's attacking me with the vigour of a new convert to any theistic religion.

Today I read that non-creative behaviour (i.e. routine-ness) is learned! Well holy fuck! I knew it! A life of education and boring bullshit 9-5'ness is killing us. That's why we're all divorcing and being unhappy. Life is killing us, yet it's the only way to make a living. But don't you think it's funny how money tends to snowball?
When you come into a substantial bit of cash, it will typically need to more of the same? I've found that my wealth has jumped quite a bit over the past few months, as my savings has obviously increased, but the rate of growth just seems like more, despite me not spending any less or earning any more, it just feels like it.

I also read that Noel Gallagher believed that under a Thatcher lead Britain, that great art was created. I tend to agree, dictators, tyrants, and other neo-conservatives lead such a repressive regime that the people have no choice but to rebel through creative outlets and create new things. But as Mr Gallagher rightly pointed out, these days when people tend to have it good, they won't just write songs any more, they will tweet about it. And I guess in that, society loses a lot of its artistry. More Gallagher brothers, please. Less Rob
Delaney's, please (despite his hilarity).

Yikes, it feels like I'm having a stroke here! I wonder what the hell is going on. Looks like I won't get to be a member of the 27 club, haha! Sorry Miss Winehouse and Mr Cobain.

The use of language isn't as important as the context. Let's say someone calls you an idiot. You will probably just laugh and carry on and wonder why they couldn't think of anything more insulting to call you. I think it depends on the person making the comment, though. If they hardly use profanity and then out of nowhere, calls you an idiot, that's a massive deal. Maybe even more so than your friend calling you a fucking retard, right? So there you go, I think it all depends on the intention of your remarks.

Well that's good! Looking back on this blog, things seem a little bit more normal. Hopefully I can keep this up.

What the hell are you doing?  I don't even know what I'm doing.

Joaquin out.