Toffee Hats & Licorice Flats

Woke up and just didn't want to deal with things today.  The best part of my day is sleeping, because I'm not here.  Everything else is just not worth it.  Maybe I can't even tell the time anymore.  No, things are just simply not happening.

Nothing works.  My body is falling apart, when I need it to be together.  I have to make some changes.  It's all just a pack of lies that I was fed.  I just quit, because I can't cope with it.  I want to get in and just write.  I don't even want to eat.  I just want to sleep it all away.  All I look forward to in life is life being over.  Right now, that seems as hard as finding a four leaf clover.

Do you believe what's in front of you?  The clock is ticking.  I'm slowly progressing with work, but as usual, I don't really want to.  Like I've said before, I just want to go home and sleep everything away.  At least I only have an hour to go before this week is over.  And believe me, I know it's a wasted week.

There are assets everywhere.  If only.

Joaquin out.

Crashing Into Fate At The Guggenheim

I wonder what that would look like?  The entire scenario is just ridiculously fishy.  Doors and windows all closing at the same time.  I'm in no headspace to figure things out.  I am tired, beyond exhausted.  At the end of my rope, at the end of my noose.  It's all a puzzle, but the pieces keep changing.  When you think it's done, it all starts re-arranging.

I'm not even drugged out, and I am struggling.  This is terrible.  I just want to stay quiet and get on with things, but there's no motivation to even do that.  I want to just waste a day.  Just stay in bed and say fuck it, not contribute to anything in the world for just a day.  This is no partnership.  Shouldn't there at least be some sort of meeting of the minds?  No, it's a manifestation of something else. 

Just a weird situation.  Did I see him?  I think it may have been.  But what was he doing there?  There should have been a confrontation.  I'm sure in my current physical and mental state, I would have gone down, and gone down harshly.  But it would have been worth the rub, right? 

Was it delusion?  Was it vanity?  Slowly losing sanity. 

I should let you guys know that I don't queue any posts on this blog.  So if I don't post for like 2-3 months, you can just assume I'm dead.  At least that way, you can have a complete record of things.  You can read from start to finish - how good would that be?  A complete picture, for once.

This all just goes out to everyone, doesn't it?  Everything is designed to test me, and to make me sick.  Don't believe me.  Don't even believe in me.  The plot thickens.  Something has to be done. 

The issue is this: this way of life is killing me.  The problem is that it's not killing me fast enough.

I wonder what ever happened to Liiv7?  I enjoyed her youtube videos.  I guess she grew up and lost the faith in what she was doing.  But I guess that's the story of us all.  Sigh, at least I only have 40 minutes before I need to get out of here.  I'm just so tired and just so much crap to do when I get home.  My life is just being taken up by silly stupid tasks that I just can't get away from.  Why can't I die?  I'm feeling older.  I'm not invincible.

I've done a decent amount of work today, so I'm just going to laze away the rest of this afternoon doing research for my trip.  I just wanna scream and be done with it.  Nothing in the tank, not even running on fumes.  Borrowed time, all of it.

I'm done.

Joaquin out.

There's Absolutely Nothing

Nothing at all.  Does it mean anything?  Well it could only mean one thing.  And the problem with that is that I can't verify it.  Not without the time.  And a huge part of the issues I'm facing now is that I can't be where I have to be, where I need to be.  And I don't have the means to pull off my dreams, which is terrible because I have the intellect to do it.  That, I suppose, is the worst sort of knowledge and failure.  Cause at least then you know where things are headed.

It hit me just last night.  I hate my life.  I truly do.  Everything I do just saps my spirit just that little bit more.  There's still so much more work to do, blargh.

I think I know what's happening to me.

Joaquin out.

There's So Much To Lose

Or is there?  It depends on what you value.  And what you value depends on you and what sort of life you had, and how you were brought up.  That begs the question, can people overcome the nature vs nurture question?  Are we really in charge of what we do?  Determinism vs positivism.  Fatalism vs hope.  I've got so many things I want to write about, but with work being the way it is at the moment, it's just a little difficult.  Especially since I have to be gone in a few weeks.  February is going to be an awful week for travel.  It'll be a real test of my stamina and patience.  But I'll soldier on through.  I always do, I always march brave.

This isn't so much a partnership.  It's a loose collection of necessities.  And maybe what was said before could be said to be right.  Convenience?  There's a lot more that can be done.  Let's hope karma can rear its head.  And it was true for the other day when for the first time in a long time, I wished I was dead.  The problem is I don't look my age, but in some way, I'm thinking I'm starting to feel it.  I've got 2 more of these left.  At best.  Jeez.

Done.

Joaquin out.

Who Is This? What Is That?

Is everything designed to upset me?  Is this just what it is?  It's a question of loss, and one of hypotheticals.  There are a lot of unknowns, but maybe the field narrows slightly.  The world isn't what it used to be.  But there is an answer for everything.  There just has to be, right?

And what do you do?  In a purportedly Godless universe?  If there is no meaning or reasoning in life, then everything is just random.  There is no accountability, and there is little point to everything.  Can you even afford to be afraid?  Is that the normal response?  What of self-actualisation?  It's all a sick cruel joke, perpetuated by nobody!  That's the worst part of this entire charade.  When everything you know, everything you considered to be certain ends up as nothing.

How did all this happen?  How did my life turn to junk?  Did I have potential?  Did I have talent?  Have I left the land of logic and become creative?  All things considered, it's a little too late, I'm sure. 

What strange dreams.  Dreams of friends and just general weirdness.  People who don't know each other or associate with each other all suddenly brought together.  And me there to not even facilitate it.  It doesn't make sense.  My head is not in the right place, but I suppose it's just my subconscious.  What does it want? 

I've been working hard this week, and I've minimised the amount of work I have to do, but it's still substantial.  So I suppose I better get some of it done!  Also need to plan travel for my next trip. 

This day is just turgid.  That's as best as I can describe it.

Joaquin out.

Duo Doldrums Take Place

While it was fun to get into some guitar last night, it wasn't for anywhere near long enough.  Even with my nails coming out really long like claws, I'm still able to play pretty well.  I'm even deliberately trying some new strumming patterns and it's working wonders.  Can't wait till the weekend when I can finally cut them and play well.  I regard growing nails and playing guitar equivalent to training for fitness and strength by wearing weights.  So that when you finally take them off, you will be even more proficient/powerful.  Though I'm not sure this will work for everyone, it works wonders for me.

I've lost motivation these days.  Is that what giving up feels like?  These dreams weren't worth the brain they were conceived in.  Thursday already?!  What is this shit?!  I'm so busy!!  So much to do, arghhh! 

My issue with snapchat is that I think the system is not decentralised.  You take a pic and send it to someone, but it's not directly phone to phone contact.  It goes to your carrier towers, then it goes to snapchat's servers, and then it goes to that person's carrier towers and to their phone.  Judging from what I've read about the guys who made snapchat (i.e. drunken frat boy jocks), I am willing to stake that their central server saves your personal info as well as your photos.  And judging from how I understand most people use that application, that would not be a good thing for most of you.  If they sell the program to an entity like facebook, they will know your name, your phone number, where you live, what you look like, and what you like to do in your spare time.  Would you want that information commodified?  Used against you?  Think about it.  Think about how you engage with technology.

The internet used to be an exciting and wonderous place, but then the Government got involved with their monitoring, and savvy developers cottoned on to our stupidest desires and impulses about people related information and not subject related information, and it's just become trash again.  How sad.

Do I have enough to say?  Is there anything more I want to? 

Who cares?  That's the important one.  Perhaps I'm just not even thinking.

Joaquin out.